umiibig parati at muli

Salamat Lord, palagi mo saking pinapaalala yung mga dahilan kung bakit kailangan ko pa magpatuloy. ❤

(WARNING: I don't want to trigger someone's anxiety and depression. This one's kind of a testimony of mine, so you may stop reading if you know you may not take it. Thank you.)

I've had so many episodes of breakdowns in my life na ako lang ang nakakaalam. My whole body was numb. I can't breathe. My heart was really in pain. Minsan hindi ko alam kung bakit ang lungkot lungkot. Kung bakit ang bigat bigat sa dibdib. Gusto kong mapag-isa, gusto kong nasa dilim lang, nasa kwarto. Gigising ka palang, feeling tired already. Yung feeling na pagod, burn out and empty at the same time, ganon. I've been like this since I was 11 years old and I'm already 20years old now. I tried running away from home when I was 12yrs old. Minsan pa akong kinausap ng guidance ng school because someone tried asking for help na gusto ko maglayas, that I have my possible suicidal attempts. What's funny is that I don't remember some of my memories from childhood, bago ako maging 11 years old. According to researches, maybe it was because of a mental trauma. Memories I consciously deleted when I was in pain. Hindi ko pa alam noong mga unang taon na may word pala na anxiety at depression. How i cope up with pain was not really feeling it. But forgetting.

Years later, when I was 15, doon ko lang nalaman kung ano yung nangyayari sakin. I tried different alternatives expect going to a psychiatrist or taking medicines. Yung mga nakikita niyo ngayon sa facebook and tiktok na kapag nagbebreakdown ka or you feel anxious, maglalagay ka ng ice sa kamay mo para nandoon yung focus of pain. Totoo yun. Yun yung naging alternative ko noon tsaka yung pagpitik ng rubber band. I do that to keep myself away of thinking na may mga gamot at matutulis na bagay sa tabi ko.

Until now, i still suffer from it. Pero hindi na kasing dalas ng dati. Most people in my life doesn't know any of this— what i feel, what i think, what i do. But it is not a big deal. I don't want anyone to suffer because of me. I don't want any of my friends and family think that I might break any moment. I want them to see me strong. That's why I'm still fighting— conquering the silent battles of my life alone.

Point is, even when it is hard for me all this years. Ayoko maging selfish. I have tried doing bad things on myself. And it only caused me pain. Sabi ko, ayoko na, hindi ko na gagawin yun. I'm suffering now pero kapag ginawa ko yun, yung mga taong maiiwan ko, mas magsusuffer dahil sa gusto kong gawin.

Everytime i do feel like i'm falling apart. And when anxiety hits me, I pray. Tinatanong ko siya, "Bakit kailangan ko tong maramdaman? Bakit mo ako hinahayaang mahirapan?" But then He always answers, "I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for." then I surrender. I surrender my problems, my pain, myself to Him. I believe that all this will come to an end. Na ang lahat ng naranasan ko, lahat ng masakit, may dahilan at may kapupuntahan para sa mas magandang hinaharap na Siya ang nagplano para sa akin.

Nalulungkot ako kapag naaalala ko yung mga ganong oras ng buhay ko. Hindi ko na maalala kung ilang beses akong naging mahina at muntikan sumuko. Yung hindi ko na maramdaman yung sarili ko, hindi na ako makahinga, iyak nalang ako ng iyak kasi ang sakit at ang hirap. Sinusuko kona yung sarili ko kasi hindi ko na kaya.

Kasi hindi ako yung pinili. HAAHHAHHAHAHHA

Today I wonder, kamusta na kaya yung taong yun? I’m certain he moved on already. O kaya hindi na ako nadadaan sa isip niya kahit isang beses all this years. Ganon ahaha. Pero okay lang.

and i wanted you still

yet i deserved someone