- ghosted.

‘ i only know how to stab , punch , or skewer things . ’

There was no surprise at Freyja’s words, Cat had long since known that this was what the other woman thought of herself. The panic in her eyes, the fear, whenever things were going well was too familiar for Cat not to recognize it. It was the expression of somebody who never had a good thing in their life last, who never experienced love without having it taken away too soon. This ache was one that she herself felt too, one that might have been numbed beneath years spent with Nik and Midas, but still raised its ugly head in the middle of sleepless nights. Normal people probably learned to trust in love and happiness during childhood, something that they had all been robbed off one way or another. Instead, it had left them with a severe lack of trust in fate and love. 

Grabbing Freyja’s hand, Cat pulled her closer, looking into her eyes with a look of urgency. Still, she was hoping that maybe one day she could get through to her, start healing her wounds bit by bit. Caressing the back of her hand with her thumb, she tried to decide on what to say. “These hands are only made for violence?” She asked, with a soft smile on her face. Turning the brunette’s hands in her own, she gave them a close inspection. “They seem to fit perfectly with mine though, see?” Her gaze travelled to Frejya’s eyes again, still holding on to her hand. “Do you want to know what I think?” She asked, taking Freyja’s hand and laying it on her chest, right over where her heart was beating a calm and steady rhythm. 

“I think you know how to be soft, how to love, you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. The only thing you still have to figure out is how to trust in that.” Sighing, she pushed a strand of hair out of Freyja’s face, letting her hand rest against her cheek. “It’s hard for all of us though, so maybe at least you don’t have to feel so alone with that anymore.” 

The clang behind him is piercing. It, and the wind from the crack in the door, chills him to the bone. A chill more grim than one brought on from a Russian winter storm. This chill cuts to the core and he knows he can’t leave now. Not when she stood maybe a couple feet behind him. Not when her voice makes his legs want to buckle and penetrates his heart, long defunct, as easily as a knife. It picks up in speed, too, but he can only keep his hand on the door in a crushing grip in an effort to ignore the way her voice made him feel. She sounded broken, and it has his soul blowing apart. Neither of them ever thought it would be him to make her feel that way again.

Silence, like a cancer, grows. There is little he could say to her in defense. He had no defense. He deserved every word she threw at him like a dagger dipped in poison. Nothing he faced in Russia hurt like this. But, he finds himself fixating on a single word. Easy. She says it so simply. As if it were true. As if it were capable of bubbling down to that one small word — easy.

“Not easy.” It was never easy. Leaving her was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. It’s even worse considering he left to return to the people who took the one person he cherished most from him. They killed his sister, and he had to go back to killing for them. He had to bite back all of his desire for revenge for Freyja. He had to bide his time for months, killing for those monsters, before he ripped them apart limb by satisfying limb in a moment of absolution. A moment of knowing they would never have him again nor the people he cares about. Or so he would have thought, but Freyja chose to stay still. They still had her. He closes the door. “I had nothing. I felt nothing.” He still doesn’t. All he felt since leaving for Russia was a roaring fury trying to quell a lifetime of pain until it turned into nothing. Endless, echoing nothing. And it never goes away, always lurking in him, suffocating even as he just stands there staring at the door. Not easy, he repeats in his thoughts. Not just because he lost Catalina, but also because he lost himself in the process and he doesn’t know how to get that person back again. Or if he even can.

Maybe it had been a foolish plan from the first, a stupid thing to place her trust into, for two broken people to be able to fix each other. Maybe the thing to surprise her shouldn’t have been him leaving and her falling apart but rather that it had worked so well for so long. Looking back now it seemed stupid of her to think that there could be such a thing as a happy ending for herself. Yet that hope apparently had been the only thing keeping her alive, keeping her human. These days she felt more like a ghost than a human again, having returned to her old ways of coping with the sheer pain of her own existence. Her dependence on the other was just another point to add to the long list of things that made her never want to look into a mirror again. 

Seeing the way he was brutally holding on to the doorframe, she thought he was probably frustrated at not being able to leave without a sound, now that she had caught him. Her bare feet were freezing on the cold floor but she barely paid any attention to it, all she could do was stare at his back. She wasn’t even sure whether she wanted him to turn around, whether she would be able to look into his eyes. They used to be so full of warmth and love whenever he looked at her, she was never unsure of him because all she needed to do was to look at him in order to see her own feelings mirrored in his eyes. Now she was scared of them being gone, scared of him turning around and seeing how broken she was while he was okay. 

Still, his words made the anger rise in her chest once more, pushing away the fear and the overwhelming feeling of being lost. He had pushed the door close so apparently, he at least wasn’t planning on immediately leaving again. “It certainly seemed easy enough, leaving without a word. You took the easy way out because you couldn’t look me in the eyes and turn your back on me. So you did not only break all your promises, but you also took the cowards way of doing so.” Some part of her wanted to hurt him just as badly as he had hurt her, even though she wasn’t sure that could be accomplished. It was, however, the only thing that kept her standing upright, the only fire burning within the dark nothingness inside her.  “You had nothing? Felt nothing?” She asked, taking a couple of steps closer to him, now daring him to turn around and face her. “At least you had a choice, Nik. Something you never gave me.” Her voice was now getting steadier, her tone harsher. “You just left me alone in a life you promised you would build with me, in a city I barely knew, with people still out for my life. You left me vulnerable and alone and I still have no idea why you felt you had to do that.” Talking to his back had become more and more frustrating so now she laid a hand on his arm, trying to push him to turn around. “Fucking look at me, Nik!” 

Her fingers tightening against Catalina’s, Freyja’s eyes briefly shut as she stood there to intake the moment. She wanted to never let go, for them to be like this forever. What a thought. Eternal happiness had once seemed like such a foreign concept, but perhaps; just perhaps she would have this. “Not as good as you do.” She murmured back as she began to chuckle lightly at Catalina’s words, as she replied teasingly, “Well I’m going to hold you to that when you eat burnt food, clean plate and all.” Her thoughts all lost of cooking and of the person holding her, she began to lean into the other’s figure as she marvelled at how damned lucky she had been to receive so many chance from this girl, from the others — their understanding of her skittish nature, one who had never quite trusted to let others in. Perhaps she must have done something right in a past life. “Oh is that so?” She asked with a raised eyebrow as she finally disentangled herself from the other as she replied, “Well then, I guess we better add that ingredient to the breakfast then, hm?”

Chuckling at Freyja’s teasing, Cat just shrugged her shoulders in feigned indifference. In all honesty, she was probably the pickiest eater within the house, having grown up with a professional chef cooking for her each day, it was only one of the departments she had been hopelessly spoiled in.  “The things we do for love.” She replied with an overly dramatized sigh. “Though I do sincerely doubt you’re going to burn this... unless I manage to distract you properly.” Her mood for once was too good to be dimmed by any of her darker thoughts. For once her life felt bright, soft and utterly manageable considering the most difficult thing on her mind right now is keeping her hands of Freyja as to not ruin the entire kitchen as well as breakfast. “I guess so. I mean we don’t make the rules.” Standing up on her tiptoes, she leaned forward, unable to tame the smile spreading on her lips. “I can’t believe I get to do this every day now” She mumbled, before pressing a careful kiss onto Freyja’s lips, tasting the morning coffee she must have already had. “That’s what I was talking about.” Her lips only left the other girl’s for a second before pulling her in again, now kissing her more passionately. Breakfast would have to wait for just a minute. 

Standing in front of the mirror, inside her walk-in wardrobe, Cat tried to decide what to wear for tonights gala. There were several dresses that had been sent to her by different designers and while she usually decided over things like this earlier, she didn’t have time to make the final decision until now. The rest of the day from the moment she’d decide would be filled with getting her hair and makeup done until they’d have to leave. Before that she should probably figure out what charity this was for, to avoid awkward conversations. For some reason people at those events took it rather serious when you talked about child cancer the entire night when truly the foundation was for animal shelters. 

She was just trying all kinds of acrobatics in order to zip up her dress herself, when Nik showed up in the doorframe, looking at her with an amused grin on his face. His gaze traveled up and down her frame, making Cat raise her eyebrows at him in question. “How are you? How’s your butt?” He asked, definitely in a good mood if he was up for teasing. Turning in order to see her own butt in the dress she was wearing, she mirrored his grin. “Looking rather spectacular I would say. Even though you most definitely left your mark last night, if that is what you’re referring to. ” Turning back around she motioned for him to step closer. “Zip me up?” She asked, lifting up her hair so that it wouldn’t get caught in the zipper. “I’m still undecided on whether I’ll chose this one or the red one over there.” She explained while motioning to the other dress with her chin. She could feel his fingers grazing her back slightly as he slowly zipped the dress up and shivered a little. How much rather she would have grabbed his hand and dragged him back to the bed she had struggled so much to leave this morning. 

“I could show it to you if you…” Her breath got stuck in her throat when he finished zipping her dress up all the way, and started to instead let his hands travel over her bare shoulders and arms while bowing down to press a kiss to her neck. Leaning back against him, she closed her eyes for a second, wishing she could live her life simply the way she wanted to, in which case she would definitely not leave the house anytime soon. “I need to get ready Nik.” She warned him instead, not quite able to make her voice sound as stern as it should have probably been. Standing up straight again, she turned around and a new idea formed in her mind, accompanied with a smirk on her lips. “I could however give you a little fashion show of my different choices.” 

Freyja had found herself not being able to sleep that night, restlessly tossing and turning in a flood of nightmares that spread from losing the trio to having them never forgive her for the many wrongs that she had committed. Yet every time she arose to find herself next to the others had quietened her racing heartbeat, a small smile appearing upon her features when she remembered just how truly lucky and blessed she had been to find such humans as these. Her hand stirring one of the bowls whilst her powers mixed the other with a flurry of wind appearing from nothingness, her smile began to widen as she realised Cat was in the room beside her. “Well can’t say I’ll be Martha Stewart anytime soon, but I can cook some mean eggs.” She replied with a small chuckle before setting the bowl down to wrap her arms around the ones that had suddenly appeared around her waist. “Well then I guess I’ll just have to do it more often then.”

Laying her head against Freyja’s shoulder, Cat took a deep breath in. “You smeel so nice.” She muttered, unable to stop herself from smiling before she chuckled at the other girl’s words. “I haven’t had many people cook me breakfast, aside from if they’re getting paid for it, so I’m going to be impressed not matter how it tastes.” Ever since Cat had forgiven Freyja and Nik for leaving, she found her heart felt like bursting whenever she saw them. It was truly the best feeling in the world, even though there were moments when the thought of maybe one day losing it again scared her more than anything else would ever be able to. Trying to banish those thoughts from her mind, she stepped next to Freyja, looking at her work so far. “You’re going to regret having said that the next time I wake you to make me those eggs again, which I will definitely do now that you offered.” With a teasing smirk playing on her lips, she turned around and leaned against the kitchen counter, her head still turned to look at Freyja. “You wanna know what is an essential ingredient for a good breakfast? Kissing.” 

Cat: *gesturing to herself* Does this look stunted to you?

Cat: Restraining order.