Wallflower

Did ect, php appointment, and dental appointment all in one day while New York is experiencing a 💯 plus heatwave. The fact I did not pass out on the street from heat stroke speaks volumes. I deserve a medal for this day. Also thankfully is uber and air conditioning. Home for the evening and just plan to listen to music, scroll on social media and watch reruns of curb enthusiasm. I’m honestly just physically and mentally exhausted and want to get some sleep. Tomorrow I see a friend for an exhibit in the city and Sunday I’m going to the liberty science center with nephew, sister and brother in a law. Saturday not sure what I have planned but going in the evening to my parents to use there printer to print out records for my extension on my disability claim. Thankfully there is my chart. I was also officially accepted back into php so I start week one on Monday. Deep breathes.

Finally was able to fall alseep around 4am, had to wake up 5am for 7:30am ect in the city.

There’s no one safe to talk to……this is what true loneliness feels like

Sometimes I wished I believed in god, praying, etc…maybe it would save me

Before my most recent hospitalization I bought a pack of color gel pens from Amazon with the plans of using them to color coloring pages. Today I had no plans/appointments scheduled and I’ve basically just been in my room crying, fighting urges. I can’t myself to open the pack of pens and color. I don’t know what’s wrong with me

They say dbt is the gold standard treatment for borderline personality disorder but honestly threw out the Php program I’ve found it so unhelpful

I was given the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder a few years ago. I remember laying in the hospital bed recovering from yet another overdose and a psych doctor come by to talk to me and just causally say you have borderline personality. You think after receiving such a stigmatizing diagnosis someone would had sat down with me and explained it to me…let me process my feelings around it. But no one came and till this day no one has come. It’s all over my records and the silence continues

I hate summer….can’t stand the heat

They keep on telling me that at the end everything will be alright…but will it or do they just tell themselves that because the reality is hard to actually face

There’s so much I want to say to my sister. I have felt so unsupported by her throughout the years. I honestly feel she cares more about Israel than she does about me and my well being. But over the years I have stayed silent for one reason. The reason is my now 8 year old nephew. I don’t want to loose being in his life. So I stay silent and the sadness builds.

Since March I’ve been on medical leave from my job, I’m a social worker. I was in the hospital for about 2 months and then started a 6 week php program. I was scheduled to return to work July 6. Recently I was in my 5th week of the program, had been honest with my psychiatrist about something. The next day I went to php, thought it would be a normal day, was about to go the first group but was then called into a meeting by my php therapist and the head of psychiatry. Basically they told me I’m not making progress and they are concerned for my safety. They also said they would my jobs hr to tell them I’m not cleared to return. Long story short I was sent to the hospital against my wishes. At the cpep ( psych emergency room) I met with the psychiatrist, told him I don’t know why here and I have no plans to kill myself so there is grounds to admit me. He comes back and says I’m being admitted involuntarily. I was transferred to another hospital, spent a less then 2 weeks there. I got home Monday. Basically the only way I would be discharged was if I agreed to do php again. The cherry on top is that I have to repeat the whole 6 weeks again. I have to extend my leave again. I spoke to hr yesterday and requested the extension. I called my manager this morning ( we open at 8) and told her. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry but of course I did. I just feel so bad. She was understanding and said do what I need to do. On Monday when I returned home, my roommate came up at night. I went to greet her and she basically told me she is thinking of moving, that she can’t do this anymore and is afraid she is going to come home and find me dead. I felt gutted to say the least. We have been roommates for almost 9 years. She is more to be than a roommate. Through tears I told her at the end she has to do what is best for her mental health. I apologized over and over. I feel like such a bad person. I’m just hurting everyone around me. I woke up this morning crying, everything feels like so much and honestly I just want to self harm.