i am {}

And that's the decision I make.

I want to escape poverty. I don't see myself achieving that at least for the next 5 years. How is 610/day minimum wage livable? Our monthly expenses is at least 19k and we barely eat enough. Even just considering my own expenses, I struggle to understand how to budget 12k monthly salary for transportation and food expenses. I need a plan I believe in. I don't feel motivated to struggle without having something to live for - hope that things will improve if I just work hard and smart.

June 19, 2023 Monday 5:30pm We were invited for a meal at our neighbor's. Today is Pau-pau's birthday. I heard he would've been 20 years old now. The other neighbors greeted Pau-pau with a happy birthday. "Happy birthday Pau-pau!" That's what I should've said when I entered the house. Or when I was getting food. I could've asked how old he would've been today. I could've talked about my stories of him, what he was like, what he did, what happened.

I was desperate for advice. WikiHow gave a surprisingly good one.

아침 7시 15분쯤 끝

I did most of my writing by combining 9 different things other people said to compose my own text. I don't think I've ever written something that came out from my own ideas. How did I survive this long? I don't think I've never properly learned to write. Every time I start to put my thoughts into words, I struggle. Multiple phrases come to mind. I keep thinking that this isn't the right one or that something sounds better than this. Then I end up not writing at all or spend hours trying to perfect that text by scouring the Internet for ideas. And then, I look back at that moment in that room, me sitting, competing for that editorial writing competition. I remember preparing a lot despite my sudden participation. I was stuck. I didn't know what to write next. Every thing I could think of seemed dull. I didn't want to write something that didn't sound great. It was about the disaster caused by the typhoon and I barely wrote the first paragraph. Our teacher asked me what I wrote and I imagined her reading that paper and I felt embarrassed. I hated it and never want to feel it and put into that position again. It all started with me agreeing to being a substitute for something I wasn't good at. I couldn't say no and no more than three days later, we were on the way to a DepEd district office for a journalism competition. I sat in a cold room and just froze there. After that, I refuse to write something that my heart feels nothing for. I'd hate to read it. I'd hate other people to read it.

Peach Mango Pie

오늘 아침에 카드 뱅크에 가서 대출 신청했다. 오후에 파일 정리하다가 두 시간 넘게 잠들었다. 만화를 읽고 노래방 방송을 봤다. 빨래를 하고 한국어 숙제를 했다. 오늘은 별일 없고 그저 그렇다. 바쁘게 지냅시다. 아, 한국 독립 만세!