words and photographs letters and tragedies

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You were right. I may never find you again. And maybe that’s a good thing. It’s sad, horrible even, but a good thing nonetheless. You want to know why? Because I don’t think we were ever meant for each other. Of course, when I met you, I felt that we were. Seven years ago you were this bubbly girl wearing a mask Everyone we know thought you were happy but I saw through your smiley facade I told you it’s annoying how you keep pretending to be happy so you stomped on my feet That was our first fight and we weren’t even a couple yet But you admitted later that it was for that reason you fell for me Because I saw the sad little person that you are in just five minutes And you couldn’t believe how I did that. I couldn’t believe it, either. I was never that guy who can  read people But when I saw you, I just knew. Your sad pretty eyes were a dead giveaway And the  first time I saw it, I just know that I want to make them smile For the rest of my life But I guess, I failed at that, too Because your eyes are sadder than ever now And you’re right about the raisins. I fucking hate raisins but you love them so I didn’t protest I wanted to love everything that you love no matter how much I hated it But you were wrong, I didn’t leave those food to rot it’s not my fault you buy too much shit that can’t even fit inside the fridge And it’s true, I fucking hate your Cameron Diaz haircut But I didn’t tell you that upfront because it reminded me too much of Melody And if I  mentioned her to you, I just know you will throw a fit Like you’re throwing one now So forgive me for dodging a fight and for sparing your feelings Even though you never apologized for the fact that I had to put up with your haircut for months That’s okay, that’s all in the past now. See, how easy I can move on from that? You should try it sometime. You were a difficult person because of your dramatic bullshit but you’re not hard to love like everyone else say you are In fact, I loved you more than I loved myself at some point and I hated that I did Because I think that love made you the person that you are now And I hate the person you are right now So if you’re asking if there is someone else, there isn’t But there WAS someone There’s this spontaneous girl who caught my eye because she was sad and I thought I could make her happy but she made me happy instead She laughs at my jokes no matter how horrible they are and she leaves me notes all the time with cute  drawings in them She gets me and she makes me laugh right when I needed it the most She always, always replies to my messages and she calls me embarrassing nicknames in public and the more I tell her not to call me ‘pumpkin pie’, the more she does it I always miss her whenever she leaves for work and I am always jealous at the people she hangs out with because they get to see her every fucking day But she’s gone now She looks just like you but you’re not her anymore And the more I try to picture the old you, the more she blurs Maybe I wasn’t in love with you after all Maybe I was in love with the version of you that you have created for me And you got so tired of pretending, I can’t even recognize you anymore What pisses me off is that I thought I was the one who took off your mask It didn’t occur to me that I was the one who put it there So yeah, you’re probably right I will miss you so much it’s going to physically hurt me I will miss the little things we used to do and I know I know I will keep searching for that YOU in every other person I will ever meet Because as disappointing as this sounds I haven’t really found you yet Because I never did And perhaps I never will

You can leave. In fact, you can take all our memories with you. In fact, I think you need them more than me. Because when you take a step out of that door, please know that you cannot come back in. No matter how hard it rains No matter how cold you are No matter how bored you are No matter how much you hate your life after me I will not let you inside again I will not be sorry However I will allow myself to miss you To think of you whenever I see cats (because you love them) or whenever I say hi to Charles (because we always say hi to him together) I will allow myself to laugh at some old joke you once told me I will allow the hurt, too, probably. Because you came into my life with that and I have accepted it Because you know, I thought it would disappear by the way you loved me I guess we both just placed the hurt at the back of our minds and never thought of it because we were kids Like how you would push the food i bought you that you didn't like into the back of the refrigerator and leave it there to rot so you won't have to eat it Yes, that's right. I know about it. No point in being sorry though since you're about to leave and all But it would've hurt less if you just fucking told me you didn't like food with raisins I also know that you only pretended to love my haircut back in 2014 I can tell by the way you always play with my hair and making those snippy noises as if you wanted to cut them shorter You didn't know but I did that to surprise you because I felt ugly and unwanted I never had a haircut like that again since because I know you hate it even though you said I looked like Cameron Diaz Then a month after that you mentioned how much you hated Cameron Diaz That's when I knew. That's when I noticed. And I don't know the reason behind all of these but if there is someone else and you're hesitating between her and I Do not choose me But you're going to miss me for sure I know you won't admit it because your ego is blocking your common sense but i know what you're going to miss about me You're going to miss me staying up late with you on the phone You're going to miss me singing you to sleep You're going to miss my random calls in the middle of the day just to tell you all about this hilarious joke I heard at work You're going to miss me joining in on your sarcasm because everyone hates you for it because they don't get it as quick as I do (not even your mom) You're going to miss me laughing at your horrible jokes because everyone will find it tasteless and offensive You're going to miss me calling your boss, pretending to be your mother, so they would believe you're not feeling well when you don’t want to show up for work You're going to miss me replying so fast to your messages because I didn't want you to feel ignored No one is ever going to be good enough for you after this I swear You're going to miss the littlest most mundane things about me because no one is ever going to do that for you but me After you walk out of that door I swear You will spend the rest of your life Trying to recreate what you had with me with people who will suck at playing my role You will spend the rest of your life searching for me in everyone you will ever meet but you will never find me again

Maybe I'm just really tired, I don't know. But the moment I laid eyes on the night sky tonight made me realize that you are not the center of my galaxy. There's a vast universe I have yet to see and you're just a microscopic dust in the heart of space and time. It's weird how I've let you ruin my entire world but see, I'm rebuilding and pretty soon I'll be a planet again with my own moons orbiting me and everything. I won't stay here floating in the abyss forever waiting for chances that will not come. This time, I'll be my own big bang. This time, I'll be my own creation. I am my own universe.

Your heart is not a bomb shelter. Get out there and face the war. You are not bullet proof. You will get shot whether you like it or not, soldier. You might as well fight.

Just because you fell in love with the river doesn't mean you're going to go and drown yourself in it. Learn to fucking swim.

Don't be sorry. Humans have a natural tendency to destroy things that they touch, including each other.