loop of genry

In our institution, we are assigned to a mentor and a mentoring group. I really like my mentor. I learn so much from her every session even if we've only had a few. She's full of wisdom, and always says things that I need to hear. I just wish she was more clingy. And by clingy, I mean that she wants to meet us more instead of us reaching out to her. I think mentorship is really important not only in medicine, but also in life in general especially as a first generation doctor.

Four years after graduating with honors and a special award (still my favorite achievement!), I still feel no sense of accomplishment in life. The voice at the back of my head that feeds my anxieties and insecurities whisper, "I should have been farther in life by now." The expectations I've set for myself where I should have been right now were not met.

I felt (and a little part of me maybe still does) a huge sense of failure. At night, when I cannot sleep because dark thoughts rush through my mind, I detest the past three years prior to entering UERM. When unhealthy and unhelpful thoughts overcome me, it becomes easier to think of those years as a waste of time. It makes me feel and think that I have lost some of my prime years because there was no sense of progress. Delays crept in and setbacks ensued. Things in my life tracker did not go the way I planned them to go. I was at my darkest. The first year was exploratory and fun, it was my first gap year after all. It was also the year I got accepted to my childhood dream school. I was the happiest because I got to go backpacking and enter my dream school. I checked some things off my bucket list. The second year was half fun, half destructive. After living my dream, I had to leave the institution I have been pining for for years. I lost all self-confidence, and replaced it with self-doubt. I was in a bad place. It was terrible. It felt like there was no going forward from there. Year 3 was productive. I got to experience employment in research, which I really love. I had the best boss I could possibly ask for, and learned a lot. Mentally, I still was not in a good place. I tried to start my journey to healing but couldn't because I was on a state of preparing for plan B.

In reality, those three years taught me life lessons I would not have learned had I not took the gap years. There were life-changing experiences and opportunities that came my way. I would not have met the best people I now cannot imagine living without. I would not have the level of growth, persistence, and grit I now possess. It is easier to notice everything that has gone wrong because they do not align with my plans than to count those that have gone right.

With all that has happened, I stopped planning. I stopped setting age limits to my goals. They just are that– goals. They do not need expiration dates or age limits. I still have bad days, and some days are better than others. There are days when I still cannot sleep computing rough estimates of where I would be in life at a certain age. More often are the days I feel as invincible as I felt in high school after growing up being taught I can be whatever I want to be. I look forward to achieving the new goals I have set for myself. I look forward to where my feet and my dreams will take me.

I woke up 3.5 hours before my alarm today. Excitement, perhaps? I have been looking forward to year two for a few weeks now. Starting year 2 means ending year 2, and ending year 2 means getting closer to graduation. Yes, I think about graduating and moving forward into a new life chapter everyday.

Goal setting part I. Academically, I really want to work toward a GWA that would be eligible for a partial scholarship. Quick background, my year 1 GWA came really close! If I do not qualify though, it would be fine. As long as I keep my GWA as it is, I would still be happy. Other than this, I have no other academic goal. I sure am excited to learn a lot of new things this academic year. I also stepped down from being a trans head/editor. This year, I will be a part of a trans group. I am looking forward to that, too because I really want to expand my circle of friends. I got through year 1 mainly with the help of 2 friends. This year, I really want to make an effort to be more friendly.

Goal setting part II. For my personal goals this academic year, I really want to be /that/ med student who works out regularly and lives a healthy lifestyle. I began my weight loss journey and transition to a healthier lifestyle (from my previously unhealthy way of living) when the year started. I have lost 12.6 kgs since then. Since being diagnosed with PCOS, I have been consistent. I just really want to continue what I have started. This time, I've been losing weight the healthier way without starving or depriving myself of one of the great things in life (food!!!). I am happy with my slow and steady progress. I just want to continue it. I also want to actually follow my study schedules this year. I want to make the most of the time I am awake so I can actually have a restful 7.5-8 hours of sleep every night.