Private diary!

Hi, diary

it’s been a while right? Why am I writing now? I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about stuff. A lot happened in just a few weeks. Since I am a father of a beautiful girl and I need to take care of my family, of Jenn. I was busy I was very busy. I was not paying attention to people around me thinking that they just don’t want to speak to me. I’ve been always like this - paranoid. Thinking my things even tho it was wrong. I never listened to my heart I always listened to my head in those situations - which is wrong.

Yesterday the Halloween party started. And I guess it is all where my brain started working properly again. Did I feel this... betrayal? I felt betrayed by my so-called friend, the so-called leader of our band. The opening performance was held by Taehyung and apparently his new band. I spoke to him and he said it’s mainly our fault not to add him to our new chat, man we have like 3 of them I did not know which one is the right one. And he was not paying attention to us.

I’ve been in a band in my previous city and I know what it means to be a leader. First of all, it is a big responsibility and if you want to leave or do something else it would be nice to contact your CURRENT band. But whatever... Since he done so much shits to my girl I did not expect him to be honest at all. I always knew he is a dick.

What hurt me a lot was seeing Hoseok being up on the stage with him. I mean... we were not in the contact that much lately but I trusted him. He was the one I ran for advice because of our band. He knew how pissed I am that it is inactive. He knew everything... I feel betrayed.

And today? All just fell apart when I had this little fight with my... with a person I used to call my friend. TY he used to be my friend, my buddy. But apparently, I was not his friend in his eyes at all. Never. He calls me selfish, he always did. He called me a faggot, he called me so many ugly things yet I still wanted to be in contact with him I wonder why. Why was it? I don’t know. I guess it was a destiny for me to end up like this. Is it karma? Maybe

Another thing is that I saw... Joy is in a relationship with Jimin. I wish them the best, they both deserve it. I broke them both. It was my fault all of what happened. Maybe I am selfish? Maybe I am lost Who knows. Anyway I decided not to contact them anymore. They will be better without me.

Is this all karma for my sins back in Vancouver? Is this a gods punishment?

I wish I knew the answers.

I am thinking, maybe it’s the time. Maybe it is the time when you leave this fucked up school. I was thinking about taking Vic and Jenn to Canada. We’ve been talking about this earlier before Vic was born. Jennie said she would go with me. 

Oh yeah and I started smooking again 

Hey diary, Last entry was more than a month ago right? And I can’t even say that there was nothing happening. Because there was a lot of happening! But today is the day. I have to write!

So... a few months ago Jennie told me the biggest and the best news ever. She was pregnant. So I decided to move her to my house. And since then we lived together with my family. My mom was helping her a lot (what an angel my mom really is!), father helped me to move Jennie in and change my room a bit. And so on... one day I told myself "Mark... it's time!" And I planned a big surprise for my princess. I prepared a romantic dinner in a park under a gazebo. Jisung helped me a lot to do that and took some photos which I haven't seen since. I asked Jennie that night if she will marry me. And she said yes.

But we needed a signature from her parents, that they agree. Because she is younger than me. It was bad, really bad. Her father hit her, her mom screamed at her and so on. Jennie ends up in hospital, because of a stress... Jisung came later and surprised us with paper which had the signature, that they agree with the marriage. Still, have no idea how he has done that, but that little boy is fucking brave and genius. 

Another bad thing was Jennie's brother. He basically rejected her. He even said, that he does not want to become a father of our child, just because it has my genes. Jennie came home all crying. It was so hard to calm her down. I played her on guitar. That night I seriously thought about leaving the band. I really want to do it. I just can not stand that guy. How can somebody say something like that about the unborn child?

I hate her family. How can somebody be like this to own child?

But stop with the negative! Today. Today was the day D! 22th of September. Monthly anniversary for me and Jennie being together. I became a father of the most beautiful princess Victoria Lilian Lee ♥ She was born prematurely. But she is completely fine and healthy.

Dear diary,

Is it been a while right? Looks like I don't need you that much last days. Because I am happy like never before.

Everything bad is good for something right?

So… me and Jennie are good. She is having her moods but that's alright with her state right now. 

Jennie and Jisung made me the best birthday ever! They asked a few people to come over, having a small pool party with Hawaii theme, because I wanted to take Jennie to Hawaii but broke my arm. And plus now we are awaiting small human, so... SHE BOUGHT RANGE ROVER FOR ME! I almost died from happiness. We had our time as well you know what I mean ;)

Ah, so many things happened. But the most important is. I asked her to marry me today. And she said yes! I made it fancy, making dinner in a gazebo in a park, putting tons of small lights on it. I printed our photos and hanged them everywhere with help of Jisung. Ordered her favorite food. And dressed like a real gentleman. She was so surprised! So cute! Almost crying haha. Love that face! So from today, we are engaged :3 

Jisung was making photos secretly. I can not wait to see them :D

I am the happiest person in the universe!

Dear diary,

DEAR FUCKING DIARY!

So everything will be as it should be. I mean, you remember last time I wrote some depressive shits and then went out for a ride with my car. Well, how unlucky I was when my car met with a fucking huge tree? I probably should not také so many pills at once when I'm driving, it was a very stupid idea. I lost control in a bad location and bam I remember only darkness. Then waking up in hospital after few days of being in some sort of coma I guess. I made everyone sad and worried I am so so so sorry. But there is a good part of it. My head kind of you know bumped into the steering wheel and everything turned around in my fucking head. I mean at least for now (and I hope it will stay like this). I started being so… happy? I guess? Jennie is taking care of me now. She is an amazing nurse, making me breakfast to bed, helping me with clothes and stuff. Even walking JADE! She literally won't allow me to do ANYTHING without her. So cute! AND THE AMAZING NEWS She told me something today! Something AMAZING! The last time I got news like this I was pissed because I did not want it. It was too soon, and plus not mine. But now? I am happy. I love it. I want it! We even told our parents and the reaction of my dad? Hilarious! He did the thing I told Jennie he is gonna do. Patted my back with "I'm proud of you son" I'm gonna die, he's such a jerk… like me haha Mom cried, but not from being sad. And Jisung? I hope he will stop using that word "ujo" :D But he is so cute. Jennie's family was not that nice, unfortunately… but IM GONNA TAKÉ CARE OF HER! OF US! She is still making fun of me being a baby, but I will prove her I can be a good and reliable man I'm gonna make another big step, but I have to think about how I will do it properly.

And last thing. Jimin literally spammed my FB with messages when I was in the hospital. Wow, I mean… he offered me to be at his place for some time. He said he can see me being different and he is scared of me. That man deserves the world. I hope he will find happiness as soon as possible. Better happiness!

Hello diary,

My head is spinning like never before. I think I’m gonna puke every second, but I have to put my mind on paper. Before I will forget... of... will be forgotten.

It’s been a long time. I sometimes forgot to write down my thoughts.

I stopped talking to people because I tend to make mistakes. So I thought it will be the best for me and Jennie if I will be a loner like I was many years ago. The only person I wanted to talk was Jisung, but after speaking to someone I realized he does not talk to me. I mean not on purpose, but what I know. We used to be so close, now we are nothing. Or at least he won’t come by himself to talk to me. Our rooms are basically the opposite side of a corridor. Yet we do not meet.

Kook and Hoseok have each other, they don’t have time for their stupid fucked up friends.

Jennie want’s to break up... like... I though we are good again? Why? What did I do wrong again? She said she kissed someone... why would she kiss someone? To make me mad? To make me pay for my mistake? Or is this the punnishem from god?

I hurt Jimin, I made him mad. But he was right about what he said that night. I should put myself together... but.

I am tired

I am tired of trying. I started taking pills, not helping. I started cutting myself, not helping, I started making music again... but I can not when I am dead inside. How do you put feelings into music when you are feeling like crazy? 

Every day something bad happens. Maybe I am not worth living, maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I should do something. End it probably would be the best.

Look at my parents, all I do is making them worried.

I wish my father never got a job in this fucking town. My life fell apart since.

I have two options: 

a) Move to Canada and try to live the old life. But can I do it, when I am so broken?

b) End it all. End it and let myself go. Let me go please. I don’t wasnt this anymore. I cant take it.

or there is option c) I will get back to being a fucking asshole. I will not care about anyone anymore and just let myself swim through life. Everyday high, drunk... But that would make my parents even more sad... and what is life when you are not happy?

Dear fucking diary,

When I left Canada with my parents I was mad... mad as never before because a) U didn't want it b) I lost all my friends and had to attend school full of rich bastards and dicks + girls who only fucks around c) I lost the longest relationship in my life

I guess that's what changed me so much. 

I met Taeyong, my closest friend. Actually, he was the first person talking to me. He took care of me (making funny shit jokes about me being a faggot). We spent a lot of time together, smoking weed, drinking alcohol, discussing girls... He said which one was good, which one was bad. That's right I turned myself into a fucking dick. I fucked so many girls at that time until I met her. Yeah, the girl I recently hurt.

It was hard to fell in love when you are mad at your family. When you want to leave but stay at the same time. Plus I was so broken from my break up with Canada girl... that I hardly let myself open to this. But as the time passed I got used to it. I got used to one-sided love. I made an amazing relationship with her. We talked about everything.

Then I got into a relationship with Joy. She was unique? In good and bad same time. I liked her, but when I look bad I wonder if it was love or not. Anyway, Jennie was dating my best friend so... how could I hurt them both by opening up about my feelings to her? Right... pathetic. So I left that inside hoping it will disappear and wish them the best, even tho I knew TY is a fucking dick for relationships :D

But as the time passed these feeling stayed. And I realized that maybe... maybe I should give it a try and so I did. I talked to her about my feelings finally and... she said she feels the same! Oh god, bless how happy I was at that moment. But it probably ruined that amazing relationship between us.

After some time she stopped telling me everything. I got through so many depressive days. My anxiety got back, I wish I was healthy. But we dated. I love her so much. I really do. But I fucked up.

I... have this friend which after TY left is one of my closest right now. But... well let's say it's a different kind of friendship. I guess TY would not hug me that much cause he was fucking homophobic about everything. What an asshole.

So one day, actually quite recently got to my house, both bored as fuck with tons of alcohol. Cause I have good a lot. And we drank... and drank and drank. And suddenly I was on top of him cuddling like that faggot Ty would say. And then it went soon. Kisses and... you know. It escalated pretty quickly. I do not remember everything. But... I guess when you woke up naked with another guy in one bed it means something happened. Plus my ass hurt a lot!

Never knew I will end up being fucked. Well, whatever. That is not the point. The worst is that I probably hurt him. We had a fight and then I told him to leave and so he did. He told me not to hurt friends. Not to hurt Jennie. And if I want to fuck around to not be in a relationship.

I never wanted to be a guy who fucks around and cheats his gf. I love her. I fucking do. So I thought if I tell her honestly, maybe it will be better. But it was ... a mistake. She is not talking to me rn. She cried so much. I could not touch her. I wanted to hug her and apologize. But, she won't let me. And now I'm scared to talk to her. Maybe she hates me. Probably yes. I would hate myself as well... wait I do hate myself. I so fucking hate myself that I cut myself again and again and again... not on visible place. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. But I deserve pain for being an asshole!

And there we go again... me making bad decisions. 

Me hurting people

Anyway... There is something I want to write down but I don't know how.

I experienced something amazing and beautiful but bad at the same time. What should I do? Probably nothing. It will be better not to think about it now even tho I do not regret it. I have to stay quiet and not think about it.

I’m overhyped of their songs again.

So it’s finally official after a long time. Me and Jennie finally officially a couple ♥

Man, I’ve been waiting for this to write for almost half a year? I mean. I was with Joy, I was with Hyuna. But something was still different than I wanted. Jennie was just perfect from the start. From my silly trying to take “private lessons in korean” at her house. I think she knew it from the start that it was just fake reason. That was the first time when I was with her alone. She is just perfect. And even though I still have depressions from time to time or anxiety attacks. I am happy. I am satisfied. I love her. And now I can walk with her outside not hiding anything. 

But I am still sad because of TY disappearance. Even tho he was in my way, he still was my best friend. Which makes me think about Hoseok. He is not talking to me so often as he used to do. It makes me sad. Guess I’m not worthy for him. He probably talks mainly to Jungkook... I wonder what is better on him. I mean he is so cold this guy? He is funny and he even talks to me when I write. But I bet he would never write me by himself. 

Wait a minute

Almost no one writes me first. What am I doing wrong? (except Jennie and Jisung, and sometimes Ten) And William disappeared. ANOTHER PERSON I WAS CLOSE TO? Like thanks Dear God, yeah you are making it right for me. Is it because I stopped going to church on Sunday with family?

She’s definitely the one I wanna stay with forever ♥ She understands my feelings, I just hope she’s open to me and nothing is secret between us

Why? Why? Why?! THE FUCK WHY?!!

Why are my anxieties keep coming back to me?! I hate it. I am scared I want to die. I want to be alone. I don’t want it anymore.

It’s so hard to hide it from my friends, before my love. I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t. Jennie is watching me like a guardian angel. But I don¨t want her to see me like this. Hoseok started ignoring me. For no reason. I miss this idiot telling me ugly words.

The worst thing is...

I hurt Jimin’s feelings. I did not want to. I like him a LOT! I would die for him actually. Feels like the similar feeling to Jennie, but not like that. I don’t know how to explain. I want to be his frie... friend. But guess I should leave him. I’m just messing things around again. In the end, I will lose everyone...

But now I need to release this FUCKING FEELING. 

but how?

Jennie will see if I ut myself again.

Should I smoke weed? I used to smoke a lot... I used to smoke with TY....

I miss him...

I will go out, have a drink... with my skateboard

Even though I try to fight my demons, even though I try very hard, they always win. I wonder why? Am I that weak? Am I that useless? Am I that bad to the world? 

I lost another friend today. And trust me it hurts. Why does she think I am selfish... am I really that selfish? Why does she think I am selfish. It’s second friend disappearing from my life because of this “selfish me”. Is it because I defend myself? Is it because I'm on my guard. Last time I even apologized. No one cares. She does not care, why would she. She has that... psycho idiot. Who bullied my friends. Don’t expect me to like somebody, who bullied my friends.

God I’m a mess... I cry over people who things bad about me. Maybe I am selfish...? Maybe... maybe I should really leave back to Canada. To my brother. I will be soon 20, will someone celebrate my birthday if I am losing people like this? My best friend is gone, another friend don’t talk to me, my newest friend just stopped talking to me... 

Maybe I could end it if I wasn’t coward.

I wish I was never born.

Sup diary,

there is something I’m keeping a secret. It’s been some time since I started to keep it as a secret. Now I can stop. I can just freely do what I want. I mean we can freely do what we want. I was waiting for it quite long and I am happy I was patient. It was a rough and hard way. But it was so fucking worth it.

I still should not talk about it properly, but... everything is on a good way and I am having luck this time finally. Pils are working, my parents are better, Jisungie is happy, almost everyone is happy. I have friends a lot of friends. 

Plus I am working on music every day like crazy. I started making my own song, it’s for someone and I hope that person will like it. But it is not done >< need to work on it more.

And yeah am things are going great ♥

Do not get drunk when a hoe is around. 

Dear diary :) fuck me

I am getting tired of being down. Tired my friends pity me or lecturing me. I don’t want it. I want to be happy. Not to feel anything. So I went to the doctor and asked for those pills that make you better. You are sleepy but better.

Yesterday evening I experienced something... bad. Painful. But Jiminnie is cheering me up. He is an amazing person. I wish I could stop crying like a baby over this problem. But really can I? These pills will help me. It actually works even better if you smoke weed on it or drink alcohol.

I am tired even now. I am writing nonsenses.