Looking Into Infinity

Dear S.,

You were the definition of mixed signals. How can someone shamelessly flirt with a girl for an entire semester, finally get the girl, then decide they don’t want the girl after all? How? I’m asking honestly, because, to this day, it doesn’t make sense.

Granted, the night we finally got together was a drunken blur, which is never a solid foundation to build a relationship upon, but the following days were blissful. We fit together seamlessly, or so I thought. I had never dated anyone I had classes with, let alone shared the same intellectual passions with. The chemistry between us was undeniable. It seems the intellectual powers that be wanted us to be together.

But when it came time for you to be accountable for your actions, you took the easy way out. You blamed me for making things too stressful. I will never apologize for holding you accountable when your actions were less than cavalier. 

What girl wouldn’t be upset to find out that during a small gathering of drunk friends another girl took her top off in your apartment? I don’t care that you could only see from the back of the neck up from where you were seated. It was your apartment and you should have told her it was inappropriate. Not to mention, she was drunk and you should have advocated for your “friend” so that she wasn’t taken advantage of by the guys in the room. But you didn’t and that sucks.

Then, after that was swept under the rug as me overreacting, to find out that same girl was invited back to your apartment with one of her friends while I was out of town...and this time it was just the three of you? But when I called you out on how awful that situation looked, you told me that I was making things too stressful? The only stressful situations were the ones you continuously put yourself in. If you wanted the freedom to see topless college “friends” and have one-on-one hangouts with single girls, you should have never pursued me in the first place.

The second time you came back into my life was an absolute joke, one which I had apparently blocked from my memory until you, yet again, ghosted me this past year.

You were in town for the weekend and had invited me to meet you out. I had to take 3 shots before I called an Uber to meet you downtown, which should have been foreshadowing for the events to come. While we were out, a quick glance over your shoulder revealed that you had basically texted every fling you had in college whom you deemed to still be single. Apparently I was the only idiot that took the bait. While we were together that night, you repeatedly told me I was beautiful, to which I replied, “shut up” because we both knew that whatever was happening was nothing more than superficial, at best.

You dropped me off the next morning and refused to kiss me goodbye because of, and I quote, “morning breath.” Why couldn’t I remember this when you resurfaced in my life last fall?

This past fall, I gave you a third chance. I reasoned that nearly a decade had past since college and maybe you had grown up since then. I guess somethings never change.

We met for dinner to catch up on each other’s lives. You remembered details about me that seemed so minuscule when we were together all those years ago. It made me feel special. I knew my fate was sealed the second I agreed to go back to your house for a glass of wine.

Sometimes it amazes me that our bodies can pick up right where they left off. When you touched me, it was as if no time had passed at all. Our bodies were old friends. Too bad my brain couldn’t stop sending danger signals to the rest of me the entire time we were together. I should have listened but I was lonely and hadn’t experienced human touch like that in a long while. So I gave into temptation and regretted it almost instantly afterward.

And you still ghosted. That’s the part that gets me. As a 30 year old adult, you chose to stop contacting me. After I deleted you on all social media, you asked me if I was upset with you, as if that wasn’t already glaringly obvious. You claimed you were too busy at work and that communication is a two-way street. Trust me, I’m well aware of that sentiment because I tried, in vain, to communicate with you, but was met with one word answers or no response at all at every turn. So I gave up.

And I was the bad guy for not being more persistent? You had over a month between our date and asking me if I was upset. During that time period you could have easily contacted me if you wanted to. But you didn’t, because I wasn’t a priority. I don’t hold that against you. I fully understand not being into someone and not wanting to give them as much energy as they probably deserve. What I was most disappointed with was the lack of transparency from you in the first place and the complete lack of ownership of the part you played in whatever happened between us.

It’s become abundantly clear that you and I were never going to work out. We both want different things. Like, I want someone I can depend on and you want someone that isn’t going to hold you accountable *shrug*

Dear T.,

Good god. If there was ever a picturesque idea of how I envisioned a normal relationship playing out, you were it. We had so much fun together. I’ve been trying for years to find someone with whom I’m able to have the same connection while still having fun together and have yet to find it again.

It saddens me that the boy I fell in love with no longer exists. You’ve changed and shifted your ideals in such a drastic way that who I am today and who you’ve grown into would no longer be compatible.

While it was upsetting that you couldn’t place a title on what you and I were, I took solace in the fact that everyone around us was able to tell that what we had was special. The second time you ended things with me, I called my best friend in hysterics. You had said “It’s over. I’m done.” and hung up on me. I crumpled to a ball on the floor and wailed. I’m almost positive my neighbors two doors down heard my heart break. But my best friend answered my call shortly after and told me “It’s not over. You know it’s not.”

And it wasn’t.

We ended up back together a few weeks later. I can’t remember how or when or why, but we were back together. And it made my heart sing. I loved my time with you, even when you were unsure of us. I was so sure that we could be great together.

But then things abruptly ended. You moved two hours away and didn’t want to even try to make long distance work. I’m almost positive that the phone call that ended us only lasted 10 minutes. You said you didn’t want to try and I gave up. I had begged too many people to stay in my life over the years and I couldn’t stomach doing it again. So I let you go.

I recently watched the movie “Someone Great” and it so perfectly encapsulated our time together. While I’ll never stop believing that what we had was real, it was time for us to end. I’ll never forget how it felt running into a very drunk B. a while after we had ended. He said “You two were great together” and it broke me all over again.

He was right. We were great. I fear that I’ll spend the rest of my life searching for another relationship that makes me feel as alive as I felt when I was with you. But I also find closure in understanding that the boy I fell in love with so many years ago no longer exists. You’re an entirely different version of yourself. I never thought you needed to change, but you felt you had some personal growth to tackle before the world could accept you for who you were. You were always wonderful in my eyes.

I watched a TikTok a while back that asked you to imagine every person you’ve ever had feelings for or were in a relationship. Line them all up in your mind, one right after the other. Then imagine something tragic happens. Who do you run to? 

I chose you. 

But I chose the version of you that I fell in love with. That boy no longer exists. And while I’m sad about it, I know that you finding this version of yourself was so important to you. I’m glad you’re happy and I know you’re destined for great things. I miss how our time together made me feel.

But I’ll continue to chase down that feeling until the end of my days if I need to. I want to feel that alive again. That cherished again. That connected to another human again. 

I can’t even be upset about our last night together. At the time, neither of us realized that it was our last night. It was such a normal night for us. I came over. We watched a movie. And we laughed until our sides hurt. What we laughed about I can hardly remember. We snacked on junk food, crawled back into bed and spent the night curled up in each other’s embrace. We woke the next morning and I kissed you goodbye, not knowing that it would be the last time.

And it was perfect.