Let’s Talk Submissive Safety...
Walking the journey of a submissive can be one that is both difficult, and fraught with personal danger, but there are many ways to make that journey safer. Let’s talk about some of the ways in which YOU as a submissive, can minimize your risk, while pursuing your kink journey…
In isolation, you have no one to turn to for help. One of the single most disturbing types of asks I have gotten over the years have been from submissive people who find themselves in an unhealthy relationship with a partner they are living with, but have nowhere to go, and no one to support their leaving. Once you cease trusting someone’s intentions toward you, you need to have a place to bail to, and people who will support a healthy decision to get out, and start over. Without a backup plan, an abusive relationship is able to evolve unchecked, with the abuser able to feel like they have the run on their destructive behavior without accountability.Â
THERE IS SAFETY IN NUMBERS…
Once an abuser understands that you have support, and that their behavior may lead them to trouble with the law, obliterate their reputation within a community of kink, or in any way become answerable for their actions, it becomes more complicated for an abuser to run the table on your limits and consent.Â
It is in no way fucked up to ask a prospective Dominant who you can talk to about them, or just go on your own accord to ask people you know who are their acquaintances what kind of partner they perceive they would be for you. A good and safe candidate for a Dominant would understand this as a safety practice, and not become offended. Any Dominant who becomes incensed by you asking for, or going and digging for references, is likely someone with shitty things they’ve done that they want to keep hidden. If he doesn’t have submissives he’s cared for in the past that can talk highly of him, how likely is it that you will be the first that does?
How can learning keep you safe? You’re reading this post, aren’t you? If you take to heart some of what is laid out herein, will you not be safer? The more you know about the rules and etiquette surrounding kink, the less likely you are to be taken in by those who aren’t interested in pesky “safewords”, or other obvious signs you’re not speaking to someone who should be considered for your submission. Â
FIRST “IN REAL LIFE” MEETINGS
If you’re meeting a prospective dominant in real life for the first time, do it in a public place. A dominant who would be a good candidate for your submission will not try to steer you from meeting in a public place, or push you towards doing things that would take you away from that public place.
TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOU’RE DOING
When meeting a prospective Dominant for the first time, tell someone you know and trust what you’re doing, and arrange to check in with them several times during your date so they know it is going well, and you are safe. If a prospective Dominant has a problem with this safe practice, do not meet them, or exit the date promptly when that is made known.
One of the most important skills a submissive can hone, is their ability to screen prospective Dominants. During this time you can ask a million questions about their views on life, philosophies in kink, experience, personal lives, or what kind of dynamic they would build with you, and their plan for carrying it out. This is a time to get to know and trust the person who you may ask to control multiple aspects of your life. You want to really KNOW this person. There is nothing more dangerous than an excited submissive who throws caution to the wind in this realm. Being a good screener, is part of being a good, and safe submissive.
Never let a Dominant forbid you from keeping or using a safeword as a way of stopping anything that may prove beyond your limits within your dynamic. While some D/s couples choose to put them aside and respect a basic, “no”, or “stop” from their partners, the safeword is meant to be one of the few universally understood last vestiges of power a submissive holds within any power dynamic. Any dominant who limits or forbids you to keep one, and use one, is to be avoided. If you are being pushed past your limits without a way to make it stop, you are being abused.Â
Be A Smart and Safe Submissive
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