Finally
No one reads these anyway. After close to a year of trying to fix my living schedule, thinking more positively and taking care of my health, I am now somewhat able to hold a job and work on finishing my education. All of it was due to family and friends actually giving a s**t for once. Lately I’ve been looking for long-term options and the lack of them left me drained and lost. I’m still trying my best to see past my pessimist bs. Ups and downs until the past few days, suddenly friends are cutting me off due to fake bs someone told them. Stressed me out but took care of it. Then my dad starts talking s**t about every bit of effort I’m putting trying to get my shit together, saying I’ll fail at this new job like every other job and I’m a lazy this and that. I don’t have a clue what I did and/or what happened for things to blow up this rapidly, or what to do to fix it. I am still alone in the end and I don’t see any reason to push myself getting healthy. I went to get help for my lack of sleep and hunger, which gave literally no results other than having “chronic insomnia” and “chronic depression” signed under my name without any treatment. I got told I wasn’t serious and I wasn’t trying hard enough. I can’t help but feel guilty when I wake up with a dry-heaving fit that keeps me pinned on the ground, too weak to eat. I know other people who have actual illnesses and are infinitely more optimistic about life. I gave up on feeling “normal”. I don’t want people to feel bad for me, as my dad says “help yourself and god will help you”, but I tried and I don’t see any help coming. I don’t laugh anymore, I don’t cry anymore. I can’t even find something to do now that I have money.
I don’t get those chills from life anymore, only when I close my eyes and feel myself falling... Then somedays, I think being aknowledged by someone could also take off some weight.
So I’ll wait until I can’t.






















