do i have to do this all over again?

Brian had hellish tempers and fits and 'lock-outs', and he'd vanish for days. He would just flip out. We weren't too aware of it. It was later on we started finding out about these things. He'd come to a crisis now and then, and the whole business would stop because he'd been on sleeping pills for days on end, and wouldn't be awake for days. Or beaten up by some docker on the Old Kent Road. Suddenly the whole business would stop because Brian would be missing. I didn't see him deteriorate. There was a period of about two years before he died when we didn't hardly see anything of him. After we stopped touring, he had nothing to do, really. The money just came in from records. Billy J. [Kramer] and all of them were sinking fast, and all his other proteges - his bullfighters and all those people - were vanishing. So, really, we grew apart. Whenever somebody dies, you think, 'If only I'd spoken more to him, he might have been a bit happier.' I felt guilty because I was closer to him earlier, and then for two years I was having my own internal problems, and we didn't see him and I have no idea what kind of life he was living. It was always very embarrassing. 'Shall we [the Beatles] have dinner together?' So we didn't see him. With the four of us and him, it was heavy. There would be an atmosphere, and we'd gradually break down, and turn him on to acid and all that jazz. Or try and straighten him out - which was what we were trying to do. But we didn't: he died instead. I introduced Brian to pills - which gives me a guilt association with his death - to make him talk; to find out what he was like. I remember him saying, 'Don't ever throw it back in my face [that I'm gay],' which I didn't.