wolf den

if nothing else please help by signal boosting https://gofund.me/d271bd71

heres a long winded back story incoming, and worth the read

i grew up on dirt bikes and construction, mom was ALWAYS there for me NO MATTER WHAT..dad well work was always more important even on holidays, all 3 times i broke my arm....it was mom running me to the hospital, get in trouble at school..yup mom..with dad starting up a const company in 79/80(which eventually failed after moms accident) bout the only days off were random weekends out in the woods on bikes as a family, and me..well i was slave labor from concreete to handing over the finished homes keys we did it all remodels new builds, but money was ALWAYS tight with the need for tools employees walking off etc

in 1987 me n mom went on vacation just us drove from portland to sandiego , i remember that trip well as its the only vacation ive ever had, on the way down running thru LA, a cool car blew past, me riding shotgun as always i told mom i wanted a better look, she pinned it and that lil 86 subaru gl10 turbo jumped up and went as she downshifted to pull more, we were in into the triple digits when we pulled up beside that lotus esprit, mom matching speed so i could get a good look at it, i gave the guy a wave and a thumbs up and he pinned it and was GONE, we were doing about 110 or so at that time....we did all the touristy things like hit the zoo and wild life park, i remember hugging a tiger, but a big one i remember is walking on the beach with mom in sandiego at the wooden roller-coaster with the moon hanging low was probably 2am, which for us really wasn't strange, late nights working const coming home just before the sun would come up etc, but the thing is..that would be the LAST time she walked on the beach

in oct of 1988 mom was with dad on a const site putting in drainage for a mobile home park, and they were packing it up early for the day, i was at school, mom was unloading an aircompressor from the frontloader into the back of the old 60s big boy uhaul truck, the tractor jerked and pinned her between the blade and the truck, another inch or 2 and it would have resulted in decapitation instead it was a broken collar bone and crushed c4-5-6

life flighted into portland, with alot of time in the hospital, she went so far as to order and get delivered me a cake for my b-day so i could have my 13th bday in the hospital with her, disabled from the chest down with no finger control but wrist control, limited abdominal control, funny enough they dont have a category for her, she was half quad half para, or low para high quad.. after time had passed and she was safe to leave the hospital they sent her to a nursing home, and to be honest after seeing her with all the tubes etc on life support when she was initial injured, the sight of her in a nursing home broke me...i begged my dad to bring her home, she stayed in that nursing home less than a week, and funny enough there is no record of her ever being there......we were given a ppl in her position rarely live past 5-6 years, and never past 10-15

the first 2 years were rocky, and ugly, we initially got some government support which promptly vanished in 90/91, which ment we had caregivers, now let me tell you..if you want to be robbed blind, and have to constantly wonder if the care will actually be there..they are great for that, my days were rough id ride my bmx to school, then since i was bullied for being too tall and standing out, id typically ride home on flats at lunch only to need to feed, get up, clean up actual crap etc, whatever mom needed since care givers were gov paid those first year ish, they didnt have to show up to get paid, and often didnt or late, dad well he was too busy, and eventually was busy with a caregiver, and left and flat out to my face blamed me for leaving because i caught him.....

mom went on a pretty huge drinking binge for a year, and had a semi caregiver full time bartender that basically kept her drinking 24/7, to be honest tho it was a fun time, picking her up from bars at 3am when she would close them down..on a few occasions id get stopped by police on my bmx flying thru town  to get her, one decided to call my "bluff" as i walked into a bar to get her, that whole bar tore that poor cop a new one for harassing me

school was more trouble than it was worth and i was getting a work out running back n forth , when i turned 15 it was clear i needed wheels, mom gave me a budget of 1500 to get something, long story short i found me a 69 cuda coupe, for 1600, god knows id more than earned it, thru HS it was more of the same but we had done away with caregivers entirely..it was a waste and always left tooooooo many questions to much stolen stuff and it just wasn't worth it, so id get up early get her taken care of, deal with the incontinence issues  and head to school usually late, id head home for lunch and deal with anything that may or may not have come up, grab lunch and head back, eventually i got kicked from HS for leaving a "closed campus"...yeah sorry but my moms more important than your rules

i tried working real jobs a few times but honestly they never lasted as i needed to jump if something happened with mom, cant really expect an employer to understand hey moms shit herself and ive gotta go clean it up...somewhere during that time i stopped looking at mom as mom and more as a kid as it somehow made it more easy to deal with, mind you she was still paying the bills her head still sharp as a whip never missing a beat, her body had just failed her, so i started doing whatever odd work i could at home, dragging home projects etc to try and have a lil extra money to take the "load" off as life got more expensive, going out with friends was never an option,so as far as a social life..i never had one my own grandfather called me up one day, and TOLD me "you need to dump her in a nursing home and get on with your life", my response wasn't even thought out as i blurted "so you would expect your kids to just dump your ass in a nursing home and forget about you and get on with their lives?, shes my mom and my responsibility and ive accepted that", he hung up on me and never spoke to me again...but i know i made my point clear

over the years we have had some close calls, as she was VERY hyperactive unable to sit still for long so to speak, she played WoW, everquest, MMud's, she would run all over the place in her wheelchair doing stuff, we had a lil money coming in from the backhoe settlement, "just" enough to keep our heads out of the water, but too much to get ANY form of assistance so EVERYTHING including her wheelchair came out of pocket, which means we often did without one thing or another to cover something else, we made do, had a cherry 73 challenger fully restored, that was TRADED in for her a new wheelchair and we still had to make payments on that chair for many years

2 years ago, she was getting on a wheelchair lift, it was early so i wasn't out there with her, and they managed to catapult her off the lift flipping her onto her back, it was caught on security camera, broke her right leg as it impacted the side of her chair with insane force her catheter connection actually bruised the bone, the bruising got worse and worse, till it erupted(we have the vid and pics of step by step of everything), at which point we found out it was angiosarcoma a very rare very nasty cancer, there is ZERO cancer in the family, we went after the lift company about it and they offered 10k..really WTF slap us in the face would ya?, and yet we still cant find a dr to even give a hypothetical response to the cancer connection, could the cancer have been there and simply got jump started by the injury?, she was diagnosed with the cancer for her b-day, her leg was taken after xmas, to stop the spread, tests came back and she was cancer free, new-years last year she was re-diagnosed with it

if you know of a dr who would be willing to review everything and give an honest opinion even hypothetical answers would help so many things i wish for, covid was pisspoorly timed, she wasnt safe to be out in the world immune compromised on chemo, let alone with covid going nuts, chemo took too long to get going, due to needing to get a hospital to sponsor her, then we had an air bed pump fair one night resulting in a hip/but pressure sore to the bone, nothing new to us weve delt with worse, but they halted chemo, which inevitably led to the cancer spreading like a wild fire...

for xmas last year i managed to make her a dream of mine for 30 years..an offroad wheelchair, built from honda quad parts and the guts of the same wheelchair that we gave up that challenger for, and i got her on the beach for her b-day in october..and gave her the BEST bday shes veer had..her own words

there's a long road ahead and the change is immeasurable, 33 years of basically the same routine, get up/wake up check on mom, get her up n fed, check on her thru out the the day, get her whatever she needs , typically go run some errands or take her to some dr appt or get her out of the house for something random since she was basically a hyperactive kid, then come dark get her fed again probably get her back to bed, check on her again before bed and get her setup for the night ive spent more time taking care of her than i have myself, 1988-2021..your typical caregiver burns out in 10-15 years of 8 hour days,never mind my 24/7/365 this wasn't my job it was my life! and i did it for FREE...

no one else was going to do it..so i stepped up...no vacations, no sick days, no relief help no state/gov funding, the ONLY time i got time off was if mom was in the hospital for some extended period and i wouldn't call the stress it gave me time off, running back n forth, needing to go in and adjust her, position her, change how the hospital would have everything as they would FAIL at making sure she had everything within reach, and don't get me started on the fact they would put her in beds she had no way of controlling or how many times id find the call button on a try out of reach how many of my friends have heard hey yeah i cant because Ive gotta take care of mom, or, Ive gotta get back mom needs something, and NEVER once was it a lame excuse,i lost track of how much i had to drop and go at a moments notice...heck how many times did we just hang out at my place for that exact reason? its no wonder a "real job" wasnt an option sometime after getting kicked out of HS i stopped looking at mom as mom and more as my kid, i dunno i think it made it easier with as much time as id put in and as much time as i knew id put in think about this for a second, how much total time have you spent with a parent, a loved one, a friend, ACTUAL hours, and you start to understand the kind of time i put in those closer to me know i made mom alot of things to make her life a lil easier, the offroad chair, hand built adjustable tables, lamps, portable gaming consoles that could be hung on hospital tv screens, her arcade stick so she could game, hell i built and repaired more medical equipment from broken parts than should be possible wheelchairs included, and she cherished every last lil thing i made to make her life easier, all the way down to the stupid lil piece of ABS plastic i mounted a set of nail clippers to so she could cut her own nails

sadly shes been taken way before her time, before her plans were finished, before everything she wanted to get done was done

one of the last things she said "im not done raising him"