Lolong Anjing

Can I handle this torment on my own? For at least a year I must bear my longing. Soak myself inside his arms. Feeling safe. Comfort.

Meaningless.

These feelings of desire, want, longing, are too strong. I almost afraid my heart'd explode.

This heart, this small heart couldn't contain the longing that catches me like a beast.

My heart ache. Something is off. Something is about to happen. Something bad. I can feel it somehow.

I no longer can feel excitement of pursuing future. There is nothing there. Nothing cool. Nothing meaningful.

I do want, wish, hope to marry the man I dated in high school. He's the nicest boyfriend I've ever had. But he has some part that I don't like. Parts that I guarantee will make me sad, mad, and unhappy.

Thinking about my parents is painful as hell. I can't even bring myself to write about them.

I had dreams of being a wife, running my own home, placing furniture, doing my hobbies, finding new hobbies. I dreamt of a life so peaceful where I can draw, write, messing with crafts, cleaning, taking care of my children, and the whole thing a wife can do at home.

I do realise that I don't deserve to be happy.

The state that I am right now, the stuff I did in the past. Being lazy, has nothing good to show, to be proud of. I don't deserve to be happy. The seeds that I planted weren't good so I'll harvest those bad fruit of those bad seeds.

I cannot see bright thing in my future. All too fuzzy. All too uncool.

Thinking about future no longer excite me any more.

Those dreams no longer excite me any more.

Nothing can excite me any more.

I want to die so bad.

I hate myself for always waking up everytime I took nap or sleep while wishing to die.

Gosh! I'm in LOVE. Hahahahhahahahhahahahahhahh