Hana 花

I honestly feel like this is going to be my fate too by the time I graduate.

Anyway here's an example below:

Idk what these girls are going through I just hope they get better and gain some clarity in life. Just do some sports and eat clean instead of starving yourself damn. Weight loss isn't easy and it shouldn't be if you want to do it in a healthy way.

All these skinny-feel posts are making me feel like a fatty lmfaooooo.

Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love but I guess this is for the stress of falling out of it.

I am an avid cave-town listener but this line in particular has always had a super close place in my heart. I've never had issues making friends, I have a great relationship with my parents but I've always been super unlucky when it comes to love.

When I was in highschool, I had a teacher rudely tell me off in front of everyone that I'm so scattered as a person that I'll never settle in life. As someone who has struggled with neurodivergence as a kid, this didn't help. I have multiple hobbies and interests for a reason. The teacher saying that basically made me hyper fixated on the idea of settling down and it just so happened to be in context of a relationship. I endured a three year long whatever that was I don't even want to call it a relationship anymore and I feel like I did it all because I wanted to prove to myself that look, I don't just jump around from one person to another. I can settle down.

Lol don't get me wrong. I always date with the intention of something serious but I feel guilty every time I prioritise myself and part ways. At this point I just feel like I'm super unlucky in love and yet I can't help yearn for someone who will finally get me or at least make the effort to. I feel like as much as I want to be in love, I'm always worried about how I'm going to eventually fall out of it or get bored because that's what my adhd brain has always been like. I've never been able to hold onto a particular thing as a kid. All my hobbies are either left untouched for years or they're picked up after such long gaps that I'm basically jack of all trades master of none.

But yeah, one day I hope to get over it. Idk if this resonates with anyone who read through this and if you did, thanks for hearing me out. It means a lot and have a great day ahead.

~Nixie XOXO

In high school, there was a violinist I'd met at a music competition who looked nerdy and SO my type. I managed to find him on instagram (which I used back then. Now I HATE that app). I struck up a conversation which now that I think about it, I was so down bad. Like I had zero self respect. I used to straight up reply to his highlights like girl, GET UP. That was borderline stalker behaviour. Anyway, he used to listen to a lot of rock music and so I also kinda forced myself to listen to the songs he liked. He had like 5-6 other girls on his roster so I don't understand why the hell I was still thinking I was gonna pull him. I eventually kinda ghosted him cause it felt like a humiliation ritual getting replies every 5 business days. Alongside my infatuation of him, I even left listening to rock music behind cause it felt like it wasn't my type.

Turns out it wasn't yet my time to like rock music because 3 years down the line, I organically discovered bands I enjoy listening to and I did end up liking rock eventually. I found out I love Iron maiden, AC/DC and Ghost. Yeah maybe my taste is basic but who cares.

The moral of the story: don't force yourself to like things due to external validation. I got no validation from him and got ghosted eventually...have some self awareness, self respect and just be yourself girl.

-Nixie XOXO

I should really be studying right now, but the urge to do everything else on the planet hits a little too hard which is why I'm here...in Tumblr of all places.