HARD TO LOVE

i have that song he wrote for me

stuck in my head

it was pretty good

i think of that line -- the unopened box on the top of my shelf -- was that how it went?

slow down it was called

twelve and a half years later

he makes goth synth music

in l.a.

it's pretty good

when i go for walks during the work day i like to look at all the people my age, women my age, and think what are you all doing out here

do you have jobs

some women are in little matching bike short sports bra outfits, in that baby blue and that dark red that are so popular now, headphones on, gold necklaces layered and i wonder if maybe they don't, maybe their husbands (so heteronormative of me!) work, maybe they are trust fund babies, maybe they are unemployed but just making the best of things, making time for a walk at 3pm

maybe they are "working from home"

some women are in work wear, in slacks as i am, taking a walk by the river during downtime, taking a late lunch hour -- when i see women walking in twos or threes i wonder what it would be like to have someone at work to walk with --

how silly

of me —

i forgot

to tell you

it just occurred to me: maybe i have not spoken about this enough

but! newsflash :

i am giving up

no need

to be alive

i am not living

i am barely

so sad, so tragic —

voyeur,

perfectly fine

maybe i actually died back then, thirteen years ago