어린 반항의 눈빛

–––– @lmjaem ; 

donghyuck doesn’t know how to feel yet. there’s a tug of war going on inside him when jaemin comes home from signing his contract and in a few days, he’ll go from sleeping in the same bed as jaemin, to not really knowing when the next time he’ll see him is. the reality is harsh and unsettling, yet in the same breath, this is what jaemin’s been reaching for and now, he’s finally got it. donghyuck still wish he knew that jaemin would have to move out upon acceptance. perhaps he could have prepared himself better, perhaps he’d know what to say when jaemin asked him how he feels. 

he’s looking at the piles of clothes, scattered in the bedroom as jaemin starts packing up his things. donghyuck picks up one of jaemin’s sweatshirts and holds it close to him before sliding it over his head and the plane white shirt that he’s already got on. he’s looking at other few boxes that are full of the things that jaemin will be taking with him and he feels a part of himself start to dissociate, slowly, like his thoughts are pieces floating off into a vacuum of space. 

the worst part is, he hasn’t cried yet, partly because he’s not sure this is really happening. but donghyuck becomes afraid to look at jaemin for too long, pushing his gaze away when he feels it linger too long. he’s afraid that crying will only make things worse, make jaemin feel guilty about leaving, or that his emotions will work themselves up like they usually do. 

simply put, lee donghyuck does not want his boyfriend to leave. 

but he also does not know how to tell him this, so he doesn’t, and worst of all he lies when jaemin asks him what he thinks or feels, not that he thinks jaemin can’t see through these empty words anyways. he lays down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and pulling the sleeves of the sweatshirt over his hands and pulling the hood up before turning on his side. donghyuck barely hears jaemin enter the room, lost in a forest of never ending vague emotions, all too scary to face head on. 

jaemin never imagined that he'd be packing up like this again. he thought that when he had left his chidlhood home and moved in with his boyfriend, that was the last of it. anywhere with lee donghyuck is home, that's what he had thought since. he had found a reason to care, to... stay. when apollo knocked on his door, he needed a bit of time to think about whether signing with such a big company is what he needed at the time. even with the hesitation gnawing at him, he knew from the start that passing up on the opportunity was something that he will regret for the rest of his life. and so he made a decision that he felt was fitting at the time.

it wasn't the 'leaving' part that was difficult, but the process... the packing of his stuff, what he'll leave and what he'll bring with him. he'd steal glances at donghyuck as he did it, seeing the way his boyfriend looked at his things, all taken out of its usual arrangement, segregated into piles of what stays and what he probably will be needing when he's there. this passion for music blossomed because of donghyuck, because of how much jaemin loves and will always love him. there would have never been a na jaemin who makes music without all the love and support that haech had given him.

he'd never imagine he'd have to leave donghyuck like this, at least not like when it almost seems like he's choosing his dream over donghyuck. he isn't, that wasn't it at all. "baby, have you seen my favorite..." he trails off as he goes back into the bedroom. "sweatshirt..." there's this cold feeling that rushes to his chest, and a pang of guilt as he sees haech lying on the bed with the item in question. "i was worried i had packed it somewhere," he continues, a small smile on his lips. "i was going to leave it with you." he adds as he makes his way to the bed, lying next to haech.

Sicheng snorts, eyeing the coffee in front of him nervously. 

“Old man’s choice, huh?” he picks the drink up and swishes it about a bit before he takes a sip, grimacing at the overwhelming bitterness that floods his taste buds, a thousand times more intense than anything he was used to; he was only a coffee drinker in his most desperate moments, when he really needed to squeeze a couple more waking hours out of his day. “Shit, okay, I see what she means now. It’s literally just…coffee.” 

He laughs, taking another sip, trying to appreciate the flavour a bit, the acrid tar water that it was, and anticipating the ability to see through time and space the moment the caffeine hit his bloodstream. 

“I’m doing alright.” he says with a lazy shrug, wishing that the drink in his hand was something sweeter and creamier, but deciding to tough it out because he was too lacking in social energy to go and order something else, “Tired and…tired. Just very tired. Not in a bad way, though. Training isn’t so bad, usually, I’ve just been trying to nail down this routine for evaluations so I’ve been…staying later than I should?” he takes another sip, reaching out to pinch one of Jaemin’s cheeks, holding in a laugh as he did so, his voice suddenly saccharine, “What about Nana?”

jaemin watches closely as the older drinks the coffee. rolling his lips inward at his reaction as soon as the taste hits him, trying even harder to hold back the laugh. but his composure fails him, and he lets out a light one, only to mask it with a cough. he shakes his head and takes a sip from his cup, acting as though nothing had happened. he doesn't even realize that he missed being someone's younger brother until the mischievous thoughts overtook him. "that's real coffee, not like those candy infused things with whipped cream people order..." he adds, wrinkling his nose.

he can't help but smile as sicheng takes another sip. at least, he knows how to appreciate a good cup of coffee -- or tries to. he's been missing his friends lately, at least those that he haven't seen in a while. but of course, he'd never admit that, they'll gloat if he did. he could just imagine the looks on their faces when he does, and he'd rather not deal with it. but he does listen, humming as and nodding his head slightly as the older began to speak.

donghyuck can’t help but be overwhelmed by an wave of emotion when jaemin hums, and so he smiles as his boyfriend starts to speak, blushing when he looks at him and holding his hand. “subtle,” donghyuck whispers to jaemin before looking back to the woman who doesn’t seem to mind. she shuffles the deck and when she stops, she lays the cards out in a spread. donghyuck holds jaemin’s hand tighter. 

he knows that his boyfriend may not believe in tarot, however he does. tarot has always been something that interested him and he is drawn to the cards for guidance to navigate his chaotic thoughts, feelings, and general path that his life has taken. they always have something interesting to say back to him. donghyuck cranes his neck to see the spread as she lays out the cards for them. her eyes move to himself and then jaemin before back to the cards. 

“for you,” she begins. “and the one you love…” she looks to donghyuck before moving back to jaemin. “the future holds many things. you’ve spent your life together, it looks like many lives together… i see some big changes coming. perhaps in career? does this sound… familiar? is there something in particular you want to know.” donghyuck turns to jaemin and smiles softly. 

jaemin only believes in a few things, so few that you can count them with one hand -- and tarot is definitely out of the question. he liked science above all else. it made…sense. In a sense, it is tangible and universal. there’s only ever one right outcome, that of all things is what he liked about science. there is but one result no matter who or where it’s done, for as long as the methodology is done just as instructed. there’s also this part where there is a control group that becomes the standard.

and yet despite his unyielding passion and faith in the sciences, he finds it in himself to look into what donghyuck is interested in, what he’s passionate about. he finds it adorable though that even if his boyfriend is as smart as he is -- maybe the only person that jaemin would ever admit to be smarter than him, he’s into this sort of stuff, tarots and all. jaemin could only smile as he watched the way haech would try to see the cards being laid. it’s always been like this, him being so distracted with haech that he forgets that the world isn’t as accepting just yet.

he looks over to the woman again, unshaken and unafraid of what she might think of them. he likes what he’s hearing so far, but the cynic in him tries to speak louder, that this is all vague. but he looks at the love of his life again and he figured, why would it be so wrong to believe in things like this anyway? he hums as he realizes that the question was being directed to him, “oh… career?” he repeats, looking over to donghyuck, seeing him smiling so cutely at him that he couldn’t help but smile back, “it does, yes…” he replies with a slight nod.

donghyuck wishes in some sense, that he was as brave as jaemin. in recent events, he cannot think he’d be able to handle the stress and upset that jaemin’s endured while participating on starfinder. donghyuck cannot stand being vulnerable– especially in public. but jaemin, unafraid, or rather, courageously using the fear to push forward is so much stronger than he. donghyuck also wishes he was passionate about something, like jaemin with songwriting. and he wishes that he felt like he could go to school, do something with his time, like jaemin is. 

his boyfriend is outrageously productive and it kinda makes him sick.

it’s nice to see jaemin back to his normal self, a handsome college student with eye bags of stress and probably a little too caffeinated. donghyuck would have turned him down when jaemin proposed a tour of his university campus, but donghyuck had nothing better to do and he wanted to appease jaemin, and see a little bit of where he’s been wasting all of his energy lately.

“wow, impressive, jaem,” he says following jaemin’s gesture and sitting down beside him, reacting to the cold concrete. “it’s cold out. why are you sitting outside? do you wanna catch a cold?” donghyuck pushes jaemin’s hand away with a scowl and looks around them, watching the hustle of students to and from the many buildings. “it’s… definitely a school.” donghyuck wishes that he didn’t see a million broken childhood dreams while being here but he doesn’t mention those to jaemin, only giving him a smile instead. “have you become the campus heartthrob?” he says with a smirk. “tell me, how many girls have given you their number?”

everything haech does is endearing in jaemin's eyes. even as he pushes his hand away and even scowls, he only smiles and thinks how precious his boyfriend is. he hums as haech continued to speak, knowing well that there was more to what he's saying, that there was something that he couldn't quite say out loud just yet. but he knew better than to probe, haech will tell him what it was in his own time, and what is jaemin if not patient. "it definitely is a school, yes." he says instead, stroking his cheeks before taking out his phone to check his schedule.

even when he wasn't looking, he could hear haech's thoughts, feel it weaved with his every word. the young man puts his phone away and focuses on donghyuck, suddenly feeling the cold as he had pointed out. perhaps he's been too distracted with schoolwork and the constant annoyance that he doesn't realize the weather in the last couple of months. "a what now?" his brows knit together, then one raises as he looks at haech incredulously. he holds back a laugh and rubs his temples, amused at this idea that haech is telling him.

–––– @lmjaem ; 

yangyang skips down the steps of the stage, taking a break from his set before he finds the bar and orders a few shots of soju. he looks at his phone before texting his friend, well online friend. he’d never actually met jaemin before tonight, only talked to him on instagram and then finally after exchanging phone numbers. he’d finally taken the opportunity to invite jaemin to one of his shows, the same one really that he does every saturday. 

he sees a text telling him that jaemin is here already, sitting at the bar. yangyang takes a brief moment to look around to see if he can vaguely recognize him from the pictures that he’s seen so far. finally he spots his friend and downs his last shot before walking toward him, reaching out to shake his hand. “jaemin, right?” he assumes before turning to the bartender and ordering two shots. “i’m glad you could come. i can show you around and what i’ve got going on in the dj booth if you want? here,” he says giving jaemin the second shot. “to new friendships.”

jaem couldn't remember the last time he was in a place like this. when he and haech started to date, he didn't find any reason to silence his thoughts with loud music or to numb the way he feels with alcohol. the days when he'd spend long nights with strangers that will remain as such are long gone, and it almost feels foreign to be even be there even as a bystander, uninvolved and just watching from the outside looking in. in his eyes, it's all lackluster now, or perhaps it's always been that.

he takes a shot, feeling the familiar heat run down his throat. his brows knit and his nose wrinkles as took his first breath after downing that shoot. the young man shakes his head a bit, smiling at how unaccustomed he is to drinking when it was all he did way back. he sends a quick text to his friend -- well, sort of friend because they haven't met each other in person just yet, and stays by the bar so he could easily be found. if this had been months ago, jaemin would not have felt so awkward in the scene.

yerim reaches over to squish and pull on jaemin’s cheek with her free hand as the other one holds the blanket close to her chin. “squishy jaem,” yerim coos. “you’re so squishy and soft.” for some reason folding herself up to sit against jaemin never felt weird or like too much skinship; jaemin always felt like her rock and she’s thankful for that. she warms herself up further, pressing even close and leaning her head on his shoulder. 

“you wrote a diss track?” yerim says perking up for a moment and raising her eyebrows in slight shock. “for… starfinder?” yerim almost shudders at the mention of such a shitty string of memories for herself. she knows it was that way for jaemin too, just the frustration of trying so hard in the shadow of the plotline of the show. “maybe if you knew how to dance…” yerim teases, trying to lighten the mood and giving jaemin a kiss on the cheek. “i’m just kidding.”

he can't imagine letting someone be this close to him other than yerim. she's probably the only person in this world he'll ever be comfortable with a little close to the way that he is with lee donghyuck. choi yerim, like haech, is someone who he sees and knows will be constant in his life. even in the future, he knows that she will be there (and if she isn't, jaemin was sure that he's going to do everything to bring her back). he couldn't really see a future without having her there, that's the kind of person she is in his life. not that he'll ever say it out loud, but surely, his actions were already saying that much.

jaemin groans as yerim starts squishing and pulling his cheeks. he leans away slightly, acting his part of the annoyed friend who disliked skinship when in reality he actually didn't mind it. "can you please not..." he mumbles, trying to grab at yerim's wrist but not fully stopping her with her antics. he sighs when she finally calms down again, pressing closer and he smiles softly as he wraps arm around her shoulder pulling her even closer.

–––– @lmjaem ; 

the deadpool costume is riding up, not as freeing as his princess leia last year. but jaemin looks just as good as he did as han solo, so no complaints from him. he can’t really breathe with the mask on, so he’s opted to just shove it in his pocket as he sits down in front of madam choi with his boyfriend’s hand in his. he swallows before he drops jaemin’s hand, forgetting where they are for a moment before giving jaemin an awkward smile and patting him on the leg. 

“a question, jaem,” he says after he hands over the right amount of money. “we gotta think of a question, right?” the woman sitting in front of him nods and shuffles a deck of worn looking cards. “do you have a question?” donghyuck says with an eyebrow raised and a small smirk. 

jaemin had grown to like halloween over the past year. mostly because donghyuck seems so into it, and he like seeing his boyfriend's eyes light up whenever he talks about something he enjoys. he had no complaints about the costume -- but haech didn't need to know that, he just couldn't resist how cute his boyfriend reacted whenever he groaned or whined about something. this year was not different from last year, they decided to go in a couple costume (sort of) again.

he wasn't fond of the suit or the mask, but he was having a great time so far that he was trying to pay it no mind. like haech, he takes the mask off when it started to get a little hot. he runs his fingers through his hair as they sat down in front of someone they called 'madam choi'. he looks over haech right away when he drops his hand, seeing that smile on his face makes jaemin's inside go cold a bit, but he smiles back at him still.