Crème De La Crème

I do not miss you.

I just miss that feeling of being irresistible. Of being craved.

I miss that jumpy, heart in your throat, hormone fueled lust.

I do not miss you.

Well at least the you that you turned into...

I am happy where I am.

I could resist you.

Even if you were slathered in chocolate icing and trying to give me 1 million dollars.

Yup.

34 weeks pregnant today with my daughter....

I finished the laundry for you baby girl. We have your basinet now to set up. You are getting so big and I feel like I'll see you sooner then I expected....

I cant believe how crazy this year has been. January 2020 I was still slightly toxic....still talking to people I shouldn't. 🙄 they weren't real conversations but it was still me doing things just to do things. When I found out I was pregnant, my whole world changed. Everything I did was this precious little life...its exactly the world telling me I was making the right choices in life again.

I lost alot family though. I saw people for who they really are. Now im sitting here in an environment full of love ( a little hectic but at least we are wanted here)

I've realized I have this tendency to try to hard for people who would never even remember me if they could. Im now focused on the future...my family...and my own happiness.

I feel so good, so calm....i feel healed.

If the lizzy from two years ago could see me now.....she would be so in awe. I wish I could hug that lost girl. I love her. She was insane.

I want you to know I found my self worth again.

I found it in my best friend, my soul mate. The man who stood next to me even when I ran away from him Into your cold forgetful arms.

I remembered why I stayed with him for eleven years. He knows my everything. I know his everything.

When I was in pain afterwards....when I cried over you....he held me and stayed by my side. He knew. He understood I was so broken that only time and love could heal me. I told me every time I said that day was the last on earth, that the future was so bright, and to just hold on.

I fucking did.

Now I'm going to be a mother.

My dream since I was little is finally coming true.

I am not alone like I thought I would be two years ago. I am swallowed up in love.

I am not dead. I am so alive and growing every day to be the women this child will need and deserve.

People die every day, but the lessons they teach you live on forever.

People Are dark and cruel and in pain, but you can't let that darkness consume you.

So much light is just around the corner.

But I still fucking am.

Deflection and the art of pretending there's nothing really wrong.