My little princess

I am being forgotten. I notice it in some capacity each and every day. I notice it from my friends, my family, society, even my own self. And I’ve been trying so hard (not THAT hard, it’s been two weeks) to try to lose weight and exercise every single day and eat in caloric deficit and I’ve stuck to it and I weighed myself today and I have gained 5 pounds. And naturally I got in this headspace of thinking I will never be loved until I am no longer fat, I will never be valued unless I lose 30+ pounds, I will never love myself unless I am thin. And it’s so challenging because I know for a fact I was valued more and more of a stand out person when I was thin and attractive and now that I’m fat and considered to be unattractive by societal standards, I receive zero attention or I guess…..compliments from the outside world. This is all vapid bullshit but it really sent me into a tailspin to see that the work I’ve been putting into bettering myself has been absolutely useless and truly the only thing that ever made me lose weight was anorexia and bulimia and it’s almost laughable at this point, like why the hell did I even bother trying the healthy way??

Long story long, after I was fucking livid for the entire day, the tiny kind little thing in my brain that is holding on by a thread, dangling over shark infested waters, kept pushing a rewatch of this goddamn movie on me.

One of these days I won’t relate to her, and it will be a good day, but it will also undoubtedly make me very sad. She taught me so very much about myself, about the way others may view, Elisabeth Sparkle opened my eyes to a perspective I hadn’t even considered which is hey—it doesn’t have to be this way, I don’t have to despise myself and put my body and heart through absolute hell to appease the masses that never really even saw me at all.

I’ve always questioned myself as to why I watch this movie so often and think about so often and, for tonight anyway, I’ve just come to the conclusion that watching and feeling this movie is very much the only time I feel even an ounce of empathy towards myself and even self love. It’s so difficult to explain without seeming insane, watching this movie just makes me view myself from a different, more compassionate lens. And I think that’s why Demi losing the Oscar has felt like a death. I’m still just so angry over it and just so frustrated that the validation was not given and that this performance will just be, well, forgotten.

My heart just absolutely breaks for Elisabeth Sparkle. This movie split me apart and somehow, slowly but surely, has put me back together.