Finding Elizabeth

Exhale...

A new year, just another revolution around the sun.

Smile...

You made it!

One day at a time, girl, you are strong.

Stronger than you will ever realize.

Say it again...

A new year! A new chance to become everything you've dreamed of. A year to focus on you. To become better than you ever knew possible.

Open your eyes and do better than survive, LIVE!

I long for the day when people will stop looking at me with those sad eyes.

They ask me how I'm doing and when the answer is something other than "I'm okay" or "hanging in there" they look surprised. When I respond... I'm good today or even great! Ypu hold your breathe and the look I get in return... it stings my soul.

It's almost as if my past and how I have choosen to move forward is not as they had foreseen and is therefore completely wrong in their eyes.

The thing is... I reach out when I need an ear, but see I dont need your judgement along with it. We as humans, as friends, as family, we judge whether we like it or not. But please... I dont need to see it in your eyes as well. It makes moving forward harder than ever. It makes me question myself and my motivations. It's hard enough as it is without that...look.

You know the one I'm talking about. The sad longing eyes, the oh poor girl shes so sad eyes, the it's okay to cry eyes!

I can't fucking take it!

What happens behind closed doors... how I choose to deal with my relationships and my life decisions are mine alone. You can come with me for the ride, or you can hop off the trolley. You have a ticket but not a hop on hop off pass. Things may get tough. Sure. But if you stay close for all of life's ups and downs, you sure are in for a great ride full of laughs and happy memories. Of course like any adventure there will be tears to accompany the highs, but that's life. You learn lessons and you keep on pushing.

When we first met I gave you something of mine.

But I made a mistake.

Not because I didnt want to give it to you, but it was never mine to give.

It's meant to be shared, and spread like wild fire. Between strangers and family alike. Shared from one curled lip to another. To share in its joy.

6 years ago I gave it to you and we would share, but then suddenly it disappeared.

It was lost among the dust. Nearly forgotten.

I counted on you to hold it close, it wasnt yours to give away, any more than it was mine.

I counted on you to share it with me when I was down, when I was upset, when I just needed some relief from the monotony of day to day.

And.

Last night.

I found it and took it back.

I saw it on the faces of strangers, and in happy moments, and when I looked down there it was!

I will no longer count on you to share, but I will use it freely, as I nor it can be controlled by you any longer.

See I will share it with you from time to time, and I hope to share it often...

but...

I will never give it up again.

Because I have learned the hardest lesson.

Who are you when you are completely alone?

When your standing in an empty room and left alone with your thoughts.

No distant chatter, no traffic coming from the street on the other side of the window, no buzz of your phone, no whistling of the wind...

When the world goes quiet... will you find yourself?

Will you find the dreams of your distant self tucked away in the corner?

Will major events of the past play on the walls around you?

Do you know what you would find?

Tap shoes of a little dreamer, trophies from an athlete, pictures of amazing places from a world traveler, report cards from a scholar.

When you surround yourself with your past can you see the lines in the sand that shapes you?

They go every which way and as you try to make sense of it all the ringing in your ears from the silence grows louder and louder until the pain is too great to bear.

And in an instant you are surrounded again. The chirps of the birds, the glow of the sun on your face, the music in the air.

And suddenly your at peace....

Pull away the skin from your chest and show me your heart.

Put aside everything that conceals it - -

Show me the blood pumping into your chest keeping you alive.

Show me what makes you move, what makes your heart skip a beat, show me what motivates you.

Show me your soul - -

Your thoughts, your desires, your goals, who you are, and what you strive to be.

Who do you want to be?

What dreams do you hold on to at the end of a long day when your head hits the pillow?

Tear away the skin that keeps you locked away.

But.

No...

Our world is full of distractions. Things that take our attention away from the moment.

You will never be as young as you a right this very second.

Every second we are distracted is another one that is just gone, in the blink of an eye. As I sit here and write. We will never get those seconds back.

The first time I heard something like that I was in sixth grade. It was like a light bulb that turned on in ny head! Every minute is precious time.

It feels like every day we find something else that takes us away from the beauty around us. I mean walking into work how many faces do you actually see? Blatantly, I see a lot of tops of heads, with their faces buried into their devices, headphones on and blocking out the world.

Now I'm not saying advancement and technology are a bad thing! They keep us connected. To our families, friends, groups, near and far! We learn about the world. Our reach is so wide that we lose sight of the people and places right in front of us! What we see of people on the internet, what is going on in their lives, is only what they want other people to see. What they choose to show the outside world. We end up looking into ourselves and thinking that we need to do more, see more, go more places. When the reality of it all is that all we need to do is pause, to look up, and look around.

We miss the sweet smelling flowers in the bushes on our walk to work. All the smiles that could be exchanged. All of the relationships with new people around us every day that we pass on the street, or in the hallways, where we are right now. How often do you take a minute to appreciate the beauty in your every day life? How often do you look up at the sky and see the clouds and remind yourself to be thankful for this life? The life you have in this place.