livingwhileican

My brother has tried to kill himself 4 times. The most recent time was a little over two weeks ago. He nearly did it too, took enough potassium to kill 3 grown men, had drank a liter of vodka and was within an hour of dying when he stumbled into the house at 2am. I’d never called an ambulance before. I never knew how many questions they asked. Now they are scarred into my brain, as is the image of my brother looking like a dead man walking. He was grey, words slurred, heart beat slowed.

I’m posting this because I need to say it out loud, I need it to be out there for my own sanity. That night, before my brother stumbled in, I prayed. I’m by no means religious, I don’t believe in god, nor any other dieties, it was more so a plea for the world to hear. I asked them “don’t let him be in pain, whatever the outcome is, don’t let him hurt anymore”. In that desperate plea I said my goodbyes and I had never felt more hollowed out. My big brother, my life long companion, in that moment, was gone.

Fast forward to when he was placed in the behavioral health facility - I get a call from some weird number and pick up just to see what ridiculous sales call it would be.... then I heard my brothers voice, and I was shattered. He sounded empty, broken, he didn’t sound like my brother at all. I didn’t eat for about three days as the pit in my stomach had filled it entirely.

My brother has always been a cocky, arrogant bastard, but he’d be there for the people he loved no matter what. I could always rely on him to support me. Yes he’d attempted at his life before, but he’d never come so close, and I had never seen him look so dead. Even after his attmpts he’d still act like a big brother towards me, he’s only a year and a half older than me, and has always been there to shoulder the weight of the world with me. But the weight on his back was too much to bear, and he’d never let anyone help him.

Now I get a text from from dad asking me to come over and watch the dogs for the night until the sitter gets there tomorrow, my parents are divorced and I live with my Mum. I agreed and didn’t think twice. Then I remembered my brother is there and could easily watch the dogs.

I wasn’t there to watch the dogs...

I was there to watch my big brother.

As of recently I’m finding it quite hard to articulate my feelings, frankly because I’m not quitesure what to make of them. I just want to push everyone away, retreat into isolation and safety, not be bound by any relations.... yet I love people, and I crave affection from them... I adore the bonds I have with these people as I adore and love them, I would do anything and everything for them... I’m just... not sure.