Living Beyond the Mask

Are you thirsty?  

I’m not talking about getting more fluids in your body.  I’m referring to something deeper than that.  

I’m referring to that aching feeling of wanting something so bad that you’ll do whatever it takes to get it.  You’re pressed. Anxious. Growing increasingly impatient because you don’t have what you perceive you need.

According to urbandictionary.com, the term thirsty means “too eager to get something; desperate; wanting someone or something really bad.”  The Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes thirsty as “having an uncomfortable feeling because you need something to drink; feeling a strong desire or need for something.”

I’ve been on both sides of this seemingly unquenchable thirst.  I had a friend who was so thirsty that I felt she drained the life out of me after our meetings.  I have also been thirsty for love. Thirsty for acceptance. Thirsty for promotion…for success.   The list goes on and on.  In my efforts to quench this thirst, I wore the mask and put obligations and demands on people, who could never fulfill or satisfy my longing.

However, what I’ve learned and continue to experience is that no person can quench the emptiness I so desired to fill.  Only God can.  

In John 4:1-15, Jesus meets a woman from Samaria who went to draw water from a well.  He asks her for a drink, but she initially refuses because she is Samaritan and He is Jewish and it was custom for the two not to associate.  However, Jesus explains that the water He provides is living water leading up to eternal life. “Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst.”

Although Jesus was making reference to eternal life, I believe it also applies to quenching the thirst in our hearts.  Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” In verse 19 of the same chapter, it states, “And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”

So I take my needs, wants and desires to Him knowing He will quench my thirst with His peace while I wait for an answer to that which I have petitioned.

Last week, I celebrated my two year anniversary of freedom and transformation--removing my mask.  So much has happened this year both good and not so good.  However, my experiences are teaching me the following lessons:

1.  I am learning to live by faith and not by fear.  For so much my life, I was afraid of “living” by trying to please others out of fear of rejection and judgment. I am learning that people will always judge you for one reason or another, so make sure you do what is best for you. 

2. I am learning to trust my gut (the Holy Spirit, my “spidey” sense).  It’s usually right.

3. I am learning to “let go and let God.” Yes, we’ve heard this phrase many times, but it is easier said than done. However, when I release to God rather than resist Him, I give Him permission to do His perfect will in my life.  I am learning His ways are so much better than mine, so I am working to let go.

"So I like what I see when I'm looking at me

When I'm walking past the mirror

No stress through the night, at a time in my life

Ain't worried about if you feel it

Got my head on straight, I got my mind right

I ain't gonna let you kill it

You see I wouldn't change my life, my life's just fine."

"Just Fine" by Mary J. Blige

The other day as I was in the car with my husband, this song came on the radio and I immediately began singing the lyrics.  It's from Mary J. Blige's 2007 album, Growing Pains.  The album title is a good description of what I've experienced this past year, and the song lyrics depict where I am today.

I recently heard a pastor say that sometimes there is hurt in the healing.  The same can be said of growing pains.  What growing pains? The choice to remove my mask and to embrace my vulnerability.  The decision to slow down, to get quiet, and to reflect on my past (no matter how painful) so that I could learn from my mistakes and heal from them.  It was stepping out of my comfort zone.  It was learning to forgive and to accept myself.

As a result, I'm living life and loving myself and others more authentically.  You know what else?  I'm fine.  Everything is not perfect, but I'm fine...just fine.

Several years ago I heard a pastor tell his congregation that the act of love is your willingness to inconvenience yourself for someone else.  In this self-centered, "selfie-centered" world we live in, that couldn't be truer.  The very act demands you to defer importance to someone other than yourself.  Ask yourself the question, "When was the last time I inconvenienced myself to support another person other than my child, spouse or parent?"

Well, I recently had an experience where I canceled an activity with a cousin, who I had not seen in a long time, because I had a "deadline" to meet.  It wasn't an all-day activity, only a couple of hours over a meal and to visit with my Mom.  It was an opportunity for me to bless my cousin, a single parent who is trying to raise two children.

Instead, I chose to cancel the activity not taking into consideration that my deadline could be adjusted.  In my haste and anxiety to meet my so-called "deadline," I caught a nasty virus which prohibited me from--you guessed it-- meeting the deadline, which was the very reason I canceled the activity in the first place.  Karma?

I believe when we choose to do the right thing and commit it to God, He has a way of blessing our choice and will redeem the time (if necessary) in order for our plans to succeed.  Let this be a lesson.

A few days ago, I was in a panic thinking about all the things I need to do for my home and the new consulting practice I've started.  I was frustrated because I did not have the time to exercise consistently as I was accustomed to do.  As I began to rant about it to my husband, he calmly told me that I have control of the never-ending to-do list as well as my calendar.  I thought about it for a moment, and he was right.

Sometimes, we get so caught up in our to-do lists and things we want/should be doing for others that we fail to set boundaries to take care of ourselves.  This can be difficult because it will require you to say "no" sometimes to the things and people you want to support. However, you are no good to others if you do not put on the "oxygen" mask first.

Whatever boundaries you need to set in order to preserve your wellbeing, do it.  Make others aware, if necessary.

This morning, as I reviewed my calendar, I made sure to create a daily appointment for exercise. I am committing to treat it as I would any other important task or meeting because...I am worth it.

The following is an excerpt from my personal journal.  The date was Wednesday, August 6, 2014 at 5:26 a.m.  That is the time I finally awakened to the "life" I was living.  It's raw and I can't believe I'm sharing it, but I hope it will bless others to awaken to their most authentic self.

"Can't sleep any longer. Can't fake the funk any longer either. I must use this time (of unemployment) to get my house (me, hubby, home, etc.) in order.  Can't present one way outside of the home and live another way inside.  Tired of hiding behind my mask like I have it all together when I don't. Tired of staying in bondage to the public perception I created for myself.  Tired of living like I just got my first home. Tired of the clutter. Tired of the dysfunction. Tired of the lack of organization. Need clarity. Need process. Those things that I applied in business need to be applied in my home with the same level of intensity."

Later that day, I wrote:

Early one weekday morning I awoke to find that it was steadily snowing outside.  Although the local school systems closed for the day, the Federal Government had not at the time.  As my employer followed Federal Government closures, I knew I was expected into work that day like many others.  Despite my husband’s pleads for me to stay home, as the snow was accumulating, I was going to press the full 25-mile one way trip to work. 

I don’t know about you, but there was an expectation at my job that you showed up to work regardless of the weather outside.  If you called in, it was a sign of weakness or a slacker (even if you worked from home).  Upon return to the office the next day, you would know about from the snide comments here and there about your inability to rough the elements and come to work. 

I was determined that I was not going to be a recipient of this judgment, so I put on my mask and told myself that I could make it into to work safely.  I’ll show them.  Although most of my colleagues lived within 10 miles of the office, I will show them that my 25-mile trip in the driving snow is nothing for me. I got this!  So, off I went.  It took a while as the roads were slick and dangerous.  But, I made it. 

While basking in my warped sense of accomplishment, I soon find out that the Federal Government finally closed and so my office was officially closed for the day.  When I walked into the office, my colleagues were nowhere to be found.  They were probably at home, a place where I should have stayed. 

On this 4th of July, as the country celebrates its independence from British rule, I too am celebrating my independence from the bondage of my past. The thoughts, habits, emotions and strongholds that I protected with my mask have passed away and all things have become new (2nd Corinthians 5:17). Today I walk in the newness of life! 

A friend recently asked me what three things I've learned about myself this past year. After giving some thought, I came up with these:

1) I'm a lot stronger than I originally thought. It takes strength and courage to walk away from something you know--that has defined you--to journey on a path of self discovery.

2) I like myself and the person I'm becoming. For so many years, I allowed others to define me and wore the mask to protect their perception and guard myself from their judgment. Today, I'm more vulnerable, authentic, genuine and happily imperfect. 

3) I am enough. For years, I thought I had to be more than to be accepted. Simply being myself wasn't good enough. I had to be a director, a Vice President, belong to this organization, etc. I didn't think I was worthy. However, thanks to my healing this past year, I know who I am, whose I am, and my value. I no longer feel the need to be more than who I am, which is enough.

A year ago today I submitted a letter and paperwork accepting a 16-week severance offered by my former employer.  It was also my last day of employment.  I wasn't too concerned at the time because I've always worked since I was 14, so I was pretty confident about getting another job.  However, during my job search, I realized something.  I did not know myself outside of work.  My very identity was my job.

You see, I had dedicated most of my adult life to building my career, oftentimes, at the expense of my health, family and home.  Although my work provided me with a decent income and the ability to do some things, it came at a cost.  At the end of the day, I was still let go.  I guess I shouldn't complain because, at least, I got some money to leave.  But for someone whose life revolved around her work, it was hard.  So rather than immediately finding a new job, I decided to find my life.

This blog is a part of that journey.  I call it "Living Beyond the Mask" because like many professional women, I wore my mask well in public to hide my insecurities and problems with my health and home  As far as the world knew, I had it all together.  I even believed it myself.  But God knew otherwise and, by His grace, He humbled me and put me on a course of healing and self discovery.