Hiding In The Corner

I’m not sure I want to see next year to be honest.

I’m really good at meeting people. Giving them a compliment comes easy to me. Usually things I find attractive or beautiful.

I feel very bad right now. My grandma has a surgery tomorrow and I wanted to look somewhat pretty because tbh it’s a hospital with cute doctors and when I told my sisters that one of them cringed and I feel bad about it. I feel like even as a joke it wasn’t and isn’t possible for me to be considered desirable. Tbh I don’t think I even deserve that kind of attention.

I am a burden to everyone I love. My existence costs too much and offers so little.

I am a pack mule and that’s all that I’m good for. No one wants me around for me they only like what I can do to help make their lives easier

My life feels especially worthless tonight.

My little sister just asked someone to be her boyfriend and im happy for her of course but im also sad because im so lonely

Most days I feel like an object rather than a person

Sometimes I think people only want me around because I’m useful. Not because I’m a person

Sometimes I wonder if you can see the sadness in my eyes. I know my face always looks sad to some extent but do I ooze it from every pore like I feel I do? Sometimes I just really want someone to notice and I don’t know I wanna be babied.

My fictional husband’s birthday is coming up and I’m very excited for that. A friend’s themed birthday party too and I’m trying to make myself look good for both events. For the fictional husband I kinda wanted to closet cosplay but I don’t really have nice clothes so I’ll have to figure out what to make with what I do happen to have

While I may be constantly crushed by an overwhelming loneliness, I do have friends! And yeah sure some days I think my existence is a plague, but I’m actually kinda funny!

Overall I’d say I feel I could describe myself as: ugly. Dumb. Selfish. Gross. Annoying. Unlovable. Bothersome. Useless. Manipulative.

I’m dying to be less lonely. I wanna talk about my insecurities or at least post about them but I don’t want my friends or family to see and be concerned or rather bother me about it. And all my socials have eyes on them now except this place so bu ti also can’t be completely open on here because I have this constantly badgering that I’m bothering people and yet no one is here with me so who am I bothering but my imaginary audience

No one would miss me if I was gone.

There’s nothing for me here. There’s nothing for me here. There’s nothing for me here.

Lately I’ve been feeling very in cable of being loved. From the shape of body to my features to my personality. I can’t envision a life beyond what I am now and it makes me sad. One day everyone is going to outgrow me and by then I can only really hope I won’t be here anymore