Little Sad Bookworm

OH MY GOD , I AM BACK AND I FEEL AMAZING !!

Ya know last year November people on the net did no nut November 

well guess who had a no nut November and no dick December and I feel amazing getting to know my body better did me amazing, I got to fall  in love with myself and yeah I know it sounds clique but I have never felt this love for myself 

I realised love comes from within and not just from someone.

well I went home and worked there for awhile and got tired 

I watched Call me by your name and Wonder and I cried like a baby at both 

Christmas came and gone...

Ate a shit ton of food and desserts 

New year’s as well 

But one of my childhood friends (let’s call him skeleton)  asked what I was doing on a weekend after new years cause he was organizing a sleepover for our mutual friends and that was something I needed , we played Cuphead  and little nightmares(which is amazing!!!!)

Well I caught up with my other friends M , Panda and Babe ( new additions to the group) Me and babe got cuddley cause we haven’t seen each other in 7 months which felt amazing I felt loved..

Maybe Babe will be a new bae?

But it feels good to be back 

Hey cinnamon buns 

So , can yall remember Loverboy? Turns out he got a new girlfriend...

After he said/ told me he doesn’t have time for a girlfriend, but I am not going to be sad and bitter about it.

I knew he came out of a serious relationship and I was a girl interested in his sadness and he was the man I chose to be my pillar but we were both burned and we encouraged each others bad habits (our smoking and my drinking ). We weren’t ready for relationship but us breaking up was for the best it may not feel that way and he and I might still love each other but I am happy for him. I am just sad I couldn’t make him that happy.

I feel like this hasn’t really been my year, I hate feeling like I am gonna mark off 2018 as the year of regretting life, relapsing, almost committing suicide more than once, giving into people ,breaking real relationships and loving people that don’t and never will love me back.

But I can’t actually do that because 2018 was the year I learned what love is , how to kinda take care of myself, that I have A-M-A-Z-I-N-G friends that stick to me like glue even though I hurt them, that I can make people laugh and that I learned depression is a sickness and that I should’t give it power to take over my life.

Anyways , it was Curly’s birthday party this weekend and I am a tired bitch. Cause we (i.e me ,curly and her friends lets call them Blondie and Smokey) stayed up until like 01:00 talking about ghost stories of our old highschools, and I only woke up at  like 11:00 o’clock.  So ya bitch is tired 

And to make matters worst I blocked my appendix 2 or 3 weeks ago and I have to take medicine that makes my tummy work.. (TMI I know but its flushes it out) 

 But like I said in my last blog I am gonna be away for a while cause I am going on holiday bitches!!!! 

I am going back home for a while( 2 months)  I will try and blog but I will mostly be posting pics on my insta(@caramia_baker)  of my family and me :) 

So if I don’t blog before Christmas, Merry Christmas , Happy holidays and all that shnit... :)

heyo cinnamon buns 

Once again I am back after being quite for awhile, cause ya girl has exams...(AND I AM ALMOST DONE !!!)

But to get to Halloween, yeah I like the idea of it and I do celebrate it and I like the idea  of begging people for candy and if they don’t give it to you you trick them..But once again where I live it’s not really a thing like people don’t trick or treat, cause here in SA it’s seen as a devil thing tricking people for not giving you something is seen as taboo and horrible...

But there are a few bars and clubs that see the awesomeness of Halloween and how it’s ok and kinda cool, and some zoo’s and parks have like sing-a-long movie nights of Rocky Horror picture show (which is one of my favorite!!!) and others have like Saw or Final destination movie marathons (and once again final destination is my favorite horror movies I recently watched all of them again)

Since I have only like 3 subjects left that means I am almost going home!! I can’t wait !! I get to see all my hometown friends and have a hot christmas, so this also means I ain’t gonna write a blog for a while... Cause I want to spend sometime with my family and friends, I really do miss having my family close to me...

But yeah..

heyo cinnamon buns

I’m once again back , I’ve been revising my school work cause that helps me a lot, but I am now quickly taking a break cause I’m writing Psychology tomorrow AND i AM EXHAUSTED !

My exams are luckily short and quick so yeah... 

Pimples , now I don’t have the most healthiest skin and exams season brings this out, I get pimples everywhere and oily skin and black head.... 

Now I know I can prevent this , but I can’t go back to a dermatologist (I kinda have a fear for it) and they are just gonna give me a shit ton of medication to drink.

But yeah I might stop writing a blog (for now ) 

Cause YA BITCH IS GOING ON HOLIDAY !!!

Yes sweetheart I am going home and I might (might not) blog . 

:) 

much love 

Hello little cinnamon buns !

Once again I am back!!!

Sorry I’ve been quite it’s been a few rough weeks like I said in my last blog my mother came to visit and it was horrible. She has been diagnosed with dementia and early on-set Alzheimers which means she forgets everything, and I mean everything.

She forgot my name, my sister’s name and even her own dog’s bloody name. 

but no use crying over spilled milk..

And she saw my scars and made a huge thing about it, she wanted to know what happened and I made up a cock and bull story about how it was the cat that scratched me and it was itchy(that’s why it looked red and infected), and she believed me too. So sad when my own mother doesn’t she my pain. 

Again I am struggling with sleeplessness, I get like 3-4 hours max(if I’m lucky). And to make matters worse I have exams again.(crying on the inside) 

In other news Bracelet boy and I are slowly becoming friends again. Yeah that’s a story for another blog. 

Purple hair girl isn’t talking to me funny enough it doesn’t really bother me at all.She is kinda distancing herself from me, I don’t fucking know why.

But at this moment I am using time from my break to quickly write this post cause someone dm’ed me too ask if I was still alive and yes ... barely 

OH MY GOD...

SHE LIVES !!! 

Oh hi , I’m alive if you forgot. I made bad decisions this past week. Well it all actually started with my best friend Bracelet boy, yeah we aren’t besties anymore. He wrote me off for something stupid I did. We are just friends now.. I hate it but it’s for the best.

Ok, getting to the regretting life. 

When this whole thing blew up in my face 

I went into my bathroom put on a soundtrack I found on Youtube called sadness/suicide playlist, I sat on my bathroom floor, and I took a razor apart and started cutting, I started blacking-out I could feel the hot blood drip down my arms. purple haired girl was the first person I called but she is in a place without signal, and I was out of breath getting black spots so I voice noted her. I told her how much she means to me and how much my other friends me to me. 

I passed out for a whole 5 min until my phone buzzed with a message from Purple haired girl, she told me to pick myself up and take a bath , eat something and everything.

I drew myself a bath with boiling water which I put my arm into it shocked me back to reality, I saw my bath water turn red and I saw my oxidized blood crust on my arm.

I literally bathed for a whole 2 hours and my arms were stinging and numb from cutting and things. When I got out of the bath I found out I wrote sorry on the wall in my own blood, in my native language and in English. I saw where I passed out a smuged line under I am sorry.

When I finally got myself together I counted my scars (cause ya know OCD) I have 24 on each arms and now and again my left arm thumb goes into pins and needles.   

I think I need a help.

I went to the store today and everyone couldn’t stop staring at my scars, one little girl (who is  a student at the school I did my practical for Uni) asked me if I was ok, if I fell. Of course I looked at the mother and she judged the fuck out of me I just lied and said yes.

The cashier couldn’t stop looking at them, but I asked her why she was so quite. She looked scared and rung up my things. 

But I yeah, I hate life at the moment, I am thinking of dropping out of uni because I am failing most of my classes. 

My best friend hates me, my parents don’t care and I don’t love life anymore.

Maybe if life is better in two days or so. 

Oh and I have to hide my scars cause my mom is  coming on Friday, or at least come up with a cock an bull story.

Heyo 

I AM BACK !! Sorry I’ve once again been away for so long but yeah.

Life update:

I am still sick (whoop whoop) 

I’ve once again lost my hope in ever finding love in my life or even in South-Africa 

I miss my home.

I want to escape the heat (we are in a mini heat wave and as Ned from the try guys said in the “The try guys try pregnancy bellies” ‘Oh lord this heat!!!!!’)

Now to get to me being a piece of shit human. I drank a lot on Sunday since we were having a kinda mini party after we watched The Nun and might I say AMAZING MOVIE !!!!!! It was like conjuring but so much more they actually told the Nun’s back story. 

But yeah to get back to the vomiting, I kinda maybe threw up on the walls and on my carpet like I said PIECE OF SHIT HUMAN!! 

Do you know how hard it is to get vomit out of carpets?? I had to in my hangover state clean this up with Vanish Carpet cleaner, and the smell of vanish for the love  Jim Belushi every time I sprayed it I wanted to vomit more and more. 

But I am worried about myself, I recently started taking medication for my depression, and it mixed with alcohol is dangerous, like seriously I am really worried. I don’t know how to handle this.

Don’t get me wrong. I have help and All that but yeah..

heyo 

I AM BACK FROM THE DEAD !!

I mean flu, I had flu and was knocking on death’s door.

But yeah of course when I get sick I almost always DIE..

But to get to the being drunk beyond myself. I got wasted last night , so much I had a friggin panic attack and woke up this morning to a friggin headache pounding and friggin killing me and coughed myself blue. And I have started drinking anti-depressants and I am feeling kinda better  

new exciting news bracelet boy is back motherfuckers !!! Me , him and purple hair girl drove around alot so I naturally sit at the back cause yeah sitting in the back is my thing. 

I am sick ... 

One of the learners gave me the flu:( 

Early Morning Rants 

YeAH ...

 About this...

Due to my high blood pressure I get nose bleeds and not your

                               “oh no my nose is bleeding ... help...”

I MEAN FOUNTAINS OF BLOOD FLOWING DOWN MY FACE, AND SOMETIMES ON MY PILLOW... 

I never had nose bleeds , well since I started uni it happened.. One of the causes is of course stress .. I kinda hate this cause sleeping over at someone and waking up and seeing their faces horrified when they see my nose bleeds..

To get to the little heart attack, yeah I actually not ready to talk about it. 

Tomorrow’s EMR (Early Morning Rant) I promise.. 

Yeah day 2 done !!! 

it’s about 08:00 here in SA (south Africa) and I am awake.

I kinda like waking up early, this morning I got to see the sun rise and eat my breakfast a bowl of soggy cornflakes and a cup of black coffee. I got to eat on my stoop and hear my neighbors hustle and bustle of their morning and the junk rats scratch through our trash and say good morning to each other.

Ya see being a student teacher we did three weeks of practical , we go to a school and work for teachers we are kinda their assistance in the classroom, we took care of the class , marking books, taking kids to the bathroom and of course walking around correcting kids if they called you something other than teacher. But anyway I had to wake up at 5 o’clock in the morning which was a HUGE THING FOR ME!! I love my sleep and LORD SAVE THE SOUL THAT WAKES ME BEFORE 8 OR SO. 

I got to see people yawning and scratching their eyes , little kids excited and stressed to go to school..

Ya see I was one of those students in high school and primary school that hated waking up in the morning. Because my mom and dad both had jobs , which meant that they woke up at 4 o’clock in the morning and we left home at 6 o’clock. And I wouldn’t see them until 14:00 in the afternoon’s.

I miss waking up this early actually and I wish I didn’t snooze my alarms in the mornings.