Loneliness

I haven’t posted here since a year ... And a lot happened in a year. I don’t even know where to start. I was so happy to have my class for the year and my own apartment. All of that went great. I couldn’t travel a lot because of covid and really miss that... It was really hard with anorexia at first but then, it went better. I’m not fully recovered but almost now. And ... I met someone. I met a man. He was great. He was perfect. I felt in love. He was kind, smart, good looking, caring, he was all I was wishing for. But. But he broke me. He is what we call here a “pervert narcissique”. He come and go, he took all my energy, my positivity, my strength because he needs it, like a vampire. He manipulates me into whatever he wants to. He lies. He harasses me, then throws me and disappears. He comes back, acting like he told me he would hurt me. But each time I go away he comes back to take me. He always comes back. And he takes me in his arms and ... And feeling him make me fall back each time. When my body touches his nothing matter anymore, all the pain disappears. And then I think it will be better, that he is a good person, he loves me and when he will be ready we will be together and everything will be fine. But no, it’s been 9 months and nothing change. It’s always the same. He is my neighbor, he lives upstairs two weekends per month. I heard everything he does. It’s a nightmare. I feel like I’m in prison. But I’m starting to let go. I’m planning on moving without telling him. I have no choice. I can’t stay. I have to move on. I deserve better. I deserve someone who truly loves me, who doesn’t manipulate me. But thanks to this, I feel better in my body, I don’t want to be a little girl anymore, I’m a woman, I’m 25yo. I know what I want. It really helped me with anorexia. But now I have to find something to replace how good he made me feel sometimes, I have to find something to replace what always make me fall back. I’m not done with therapy ... that for sure. As always, I will get up and move on. I will recover, rebuilt myself. I’m going to start traveling again. I’m going to live again. #anorexiarecovery #ed #toxicrelationships #sky #sea #photography https://www.instagram.com/p/CRZInmlp4Jl/?utm_medium=tumblr

🍃It will be ok. You got this. 🍃 ___________________________________ This last year have been so difficult. It was supposed to be a new beginning and I was ready even if I didn’t know what was coming. Turn out I wasn’t ready. I was a teacher without a classroom nor pupils. I went from school to school sometimes for weeks, months or day. Knowing where I had to go day by day, I wasn’t able to rent an apartment as I was supposed to move quick. No stability, no point of reference. I was lost, not able to plan anything. _____________________________________ So I fell back into anorexia. I was even sicker than before, I don’t even want to talk about it. I was sad and angry. _____________________________________ But after all of this, I can’t focus on the negative ... all I see is that I met a lot of people, I learn a lot of new skills, especially social skills, I am more confident about my work, I built really strong relationships with my old friends and new friends, I have a diagnostic and have a therapist and doctors who took care of my illness. And I’m going forward. ______________________________________ I’m ready for new adventures again, this time I know I have one class full time and I’m about to have my appartement. Everything look great but I’m still scared for it to collapse. But I will see. ———————————————- I’m proud of myself for making it through all of this. And I think you can be proud of you too. #recovery #anorexia #sea #sky #photography https://www.instagram.com/p/CCmPJvyJYmf/?igshid=1f341ovlof4h0

“Being here, for the second time, do prove how strong you are and that, in fact, you are able to make it.” My therapist really is the best ✨ #eatingdisorderrecovery #sky #sunset https://www.instagram.com/p/CB76gE0pcqp/?igshid=ippi1zbifjl

I hope I will be able to come back this summer. When I went to London during Christmas Break, I felt so good I promised myself I will go back by myself during summer break. But things aren’t the same now. Like I expected, I relapsed and went back into anorexia, depression and anxiety. This time it’s hitting me really hard. This time I lost a lot of pounds. This time everybody see I’m sick. But this time I’m officially diagnosed. I am anorexic. I have anxiety. I even have pills. I have to go see a nutritionist and a psychologist. I have support from family, friends and colleagues. This time I face the truth. This time I’m honest. I’m not ashamed. And I’m ready to fight. #eatingdisorderrecovery #anorexierecovery #london #bynight https://www.instagram.com/p/B7_5exoC0dM/?igshid=7u4j3ifpnywb

Lately, people have asked me a lot how I am doing. Well, I’m not ok, I’m really not. This year, as I am a new teacher, a young teacher, I’m a substitute teacher. I’m just so lucky because I was able to go back to my school from last year. So I’m with my pupils and my colleagues since September. But I had to go to other schools often to replace teachers. And I just hate it. I hate being called at 8:30am to go somewhere I don’t know, I hate having to take care of kids I don’t even know the name, I hate having to work in a place I know nothing about the way it works, I hate feeling inadequate. I hate it. I hate being anxious and scared every second of my days because I don’t know where I would be the next minute. I hate it. I just can’t deal with not knowing anything about what my day will be about : where, when, with who, what... I don’t even have a home as I’m staying at my sister’s... As I can be called to go far away for a long time at any moment, I can’t rent an apartment.... I can’t deal with this anymore. I’m so scared to have to leave for a long time and leave the school for good, the kids and my colleagues. I can’t think about what I will be doing in some days, weeks or months and it makes me sick, and sad, and empty... my minds are empty. I don’t sleep well, I don’t eat well. I don’t eat enough. I started skipping meal as I was feeling really bad for a week. Now it’s just an habit. I eat one meal at night and that’s all. I have to hid it from everyone. I never done that, even when I was really sick. I didn’t eat lot but I wasn’t really skipping a lot of meals. I went from having a healthy weight, that I work on since 2013 to the weight I was when I was in the « best » part of anorexia. I’m just a few lbs from my lowest weight... and I just can’t believe it. I just can’t believe I’m falling into anorexia again... I can’t believe I lost almost all the weight it took me 6 years to gain. I can’t believe I’m severely depress again. Just before Christmas. I’ve never been this sick during Christmas time. Everything went so fast... but it was exactly like the last time. So here How I am doing. #anorexia #ed #tw #mentalhealth https://www.instagram.com/p/B6BmYl8i57q/?igshid=17yhy8mr3w2je

I just notice I haven’t posted here in a while. I had a really busy year : part time teacher, part time student, lot of projects in my personal life. I don’t really know how I feel lately. I just finished university so I’m done with being a student. I can’t believe I made it through this really rough year. I’m done studying. I passed all of my exams. I succeed through 20 years of school as a student. I just knew since the beginning why I was doing all of that, it wasn’t easy but I was lucky enough to never fall and never fail. Now I’m done with student life and I’m a full time teacher. Here we go for 40 more years at school ! I’m quite lost in my personal life and I can’t denied that it makes recovery harsher. I’m still trying to find balance when I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what I want. But this year I grow as a person. I learned about myself and what I was able to do. I had fun and enjoyed the moment. It still was a rough year and I’m still trying to recover from it. University was some of the best years of my life and I never thought it will be. I’m so glad I met all these people and done all these things. It was new and scary but so worst it. I wanted to give up so many times because I was scared. What helps me is that I truly believe that, wherever I am, it’s for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. #disneylandparis #recovery #university #teacher #depression #eatingdisorder https://www.instagram.com/p/B0T5AVmilmm/?igshid=6jgucskp1mgm

Take time to do what makes your soul happy. #sky #sunset #nature #photography #sun #clouds https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt1riRPAEek/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=w8ivpjumk0hg