Life Update
So it’s been a while since I did one of these. But I’ve been posting less and I want to explain why. Not just because LittleChubstr to me is about openness and transparency but also because it’s beneficial for me to talk about this. I’m certain I’m probably not the only one that has either dealt with similar or who is dealing with it right now.
So I’m still gaining. Or attempting to. My weight has been in fluctuation a lot and there’s a few reasons for that.
So firstly I’ve now been unemployed for over 2 years. I had to leave my workplace back in May 2024 due to lack of support for my AuDHD from management. Despite the UK having laws in place such as the Equality Act 2010 people with disabilities continue to be discriminated against. For me personally not getting the support I needed (which I’ll add was the bare minimum such as better communication etc) led to my health deteriorating. I’m diagnosed with Hypertension and I have been since I was 18, unfortunately it runs in my family alongside other heart conditions. If I hadn’t of left I am almost certain I would’ve had a heart attack by now like my grandad did at that age (27). Obviously however leaving employment has meant being around £500 worse off a month which is no small amount and whilst I do have friends to help on occasion I do not like asking. So when it has come to food intake it has been significantly reduced.
Secondly I am still suffering with stomach issues. I’m on the wait list for several things to try and determine what exactly is going on. But it has meant that the amount of food I’ve been able to eat comfortable has reduced. This in turn has knocked my confidence in many ways. I know as a community we all say that there shouldn’t be any comparison or pressure and I truly believe we uphold that. However I also believe lots of us do compare ourselves to others and out pressure on ourselves. I certainly have been. It’s very easy to put yourself down when you see gainers smaller than you putting more food away or when you see others seeming putting on weight so quickly.
Thirdly and this ties into the paragraph above. But my mental health has not been great. Comparing myself to others and getting frustrated with myself has led me to start restricting my food on occasions. It wasn’t until recently that I even recognised that part I was doing this. Whilst the recent heat has not helped I know I’ve been using it as an excuse in order to justify not looking after myself. The same goes for my stomach issues. I recognise I’ve been using that as another excuse to just not eat. This has obviously resulted in my weight fluctuating a fair amount which has then fed into that resentment I’ve started to have for myself. Thankfully I have recognised this and as such I can actively work towards ensuring I’m no longer in this headspace.
Fourthly and finally. I have lost a lot of confidence in myself. Especially on a sexual level. There are some physical health issues that have contributed to this but there are also some mental health issues. As mentioned above I do compare myself to others and it has been to the point I have convinced myself that people would rather spend their time with others. Unfortunately with my AuDHD as well my brain attempts to recognise patterns and so this has contributed to this headspace as well. Not only have I lost confidence in myself but I know for a fact I have started to pull away from people because I convinced myself that people don’t want to hear from me. If we were and/or close and you have felt this way then please know I am sorry.
If you’ve read this far I want to say thank you. It’s a lot to read and process. I’ve got a lot to work on to get back to the confident person I use to be but I will get there. Recognising all of this has been the first step. I need to have a better relationship with food again and in time I know my gains will come through. For now I’m just going to try and put a lot less pressure on myself.
Much love
Tyler
