Listening Line

It can be very frustrating when you allow someone and welcome them into your friendship group and things start to happen to make you reluctant into having done so. Obviously now that you have mutual friends the thought of saying anything to her may bring them into it. A lot of situations do go this way when we're looking out for someone else and then the situation flips and you feel like the one on the 'outside'.

It sounds as though, because she now feels welcomed into your group, she thinks she has a right to prey on your insecurities and disguise this as some sort of joke. Of course, by mentioning yours this may be her own feelings that she's expressing and using you as a blanket to hide them. Remember, she's only in this situation because you were lovely enough to introduce her to more people. Effectively she's still a bit of an outsider compared to you and your other friends so she may be doing her best to 'fit in'.

I think you should take her to one side and tell her how you feel. Regardless of whether she tells someone else, which she may well do, it isn't fair to let someone treat you in that way. If you understood it as a joke that's one thing but you don't and it's making you feel bad about yourself which nobody should have to feel. As a friend she should understand and back away slightly. As well, talk to one of your friends in the group. Sometimes it's good to have an eye opener to the situation from someone elses point of view - you never know you might not be alone in how comments are said to you.

Feeling pushed out is a horrible feeling but sometimes we don't feel like we're doing it to others. It shouldn't be a case of one in and one out. You should all be able to feel welcomed in your friendship group and make this clear to her - that you can all get along together rather than it having to be awkward/there be tension. Why don't you mention organising a group thing with everyone?Be confident in yourself and don't compare yourself to however pretty or intelligent she may be. You're beautiful in your own way and beauty itself is subjective. To you, she may be enviously pretty but that doesn't mean you're not too.

hiya

that definitely sounds like a tricky situation, but one that a lot of people have probably been in. it sounds as though this guy is trying to essentially 'have his cake and eat it too' - infront of you he slates his girlfriend but to her the relationship may be perfect. at the same time he's essentially stringing you along in terms of talking to you every day, perhaps to keep you sweet in case he does lose his girlfriend.

apart from the obvious issues of the fact he has a girlfriend, a lot of people view the 'other girl' as a bad place to be but it's so more complicated than people judge it to be and i can understand where you're coming from. to you, if he was single it would be a 'perfect' situation. he sounds as though he's very much messing you around - going to and fro between you two. perhaps consider, as horrible as it may sound, are there other girls he could be doing this to? maybe you're not the only person he slept with/did stuff with whilst he was with his girlfriend.

when you sleep with someone feelings do sometimes get in the way, as much as we might try and avoid it. it's completely up to you in terms of what to do next but consider that he still hasn't broken up with his girlfriend even after what's happened. it is important to remember yourself and respecting yourself. if you've got an inkling that he might be messing you around or sending off mixed signals then trust your gut instinct. 

i'd definitely say to not go near him when he has a girlfriend as you may be dragged into their relationship somehow (if she were to find out etc). perhaps try and cool off the contact with him as well: take longer to reply, don't send a text first etc. a summer fling does sound ideal and lovely but would you grow attached and would it really work out? trust your gut towards him. if he really is interested in you and you think it'd work out as a quick fling then surely he'd try harder to break up with his girlfriend. if he really doesn't like her (as he makes out he doesn't) then, although breaking up is hard, why is he so willing to cheat on her but not as willing to let go of her?

i haven't posted all the asks as there were 5 but this is the last one and my reply to your ask as a whole:

hey

i'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in in terms of your over-protective parents. it can be so annoying to feel like you're still being 'babied' even though in yourself you feel like you should have more responsibility and independence - which of course, rightly so.

i'm glad you've chosen to talk about it as sometimes when we feel sheltered we can sometimes converge into our own little 'bubble' but you're not alone. a lot of people can feel the same. when we're growing up we want to explore life not feel like we're being hidden away. you're not different to others, it's a part of how you've been brought up and that's in no way your fault. it sounds as though you've taken a positive in terms of knowing how to treat others though and having children yourself - so it's not all bad, you've flipped a negative situation into how it can improve you. that's a lovely, kind and commendable thing to say and do.

have you tried talking to your parents? it's your own right as a person to have feelings for other people, want to talk to other people and feel as though you should be allowed more privacy. unfortunately, in the UK, you are not considered an adult until you're 18 so until then it doesn't feel like there's much you can do ... however, i think you should sit down and have a full conversation to them. tell them what you've told me. take them away from an environment where they'll be distracted or unwilling to listen to you.

you've said that they physically hurt you. i want to raise the importance of how that isn't acceptable and i really, really would like to urge you to please tell someone. talk to someone at school - a teacher you can trust or a guidance counsellor/nurse of some sort. there's obviously an issue here in terms of aggression and i know it's a very, very scary thing but someone needs to know. unfortunately there's not much advice i can give over the internet but please tell someone that you can trust to help handle the physical side and please open up and tell someone in your real life situation.

hey

i'm sorry to hear that, it can be very difficult to know what to do or how to feel when these potential thoughts crop into your mind. at the same time, as hard as it may be, it's not fair for you to continue in a relationship where you're unhappy and sacrificing your own feelings to save his is, whilst selfless and a lovely gesture, not entirely fair to you.

the first thing i'd say is to make sure you know what you want. if you do split up and then you realise you do still love him then in a way it's hard on the both of you to then keep coming back together etc. secondly, have you tried being on a 'break' before or taking time apart? that way it gives you the potential chance to see how you feel without being with him. then you could perhaps come to a sensible solution over your relationship.

if you two do break up, which it sounds as though that's what you currently want, then that's a fair enough decision that both of you can accept and respect. not being friends with you after is slightly selfish on his behalf although i can see where he's coming from - break ups can be very painful for one or both people. when you do break up i don't think you can expect to be friends straight away and perhaps a week of not talking to each other is essential for him to help get over you two. emphasise how you love him as a friend but can't see yourself falling for him as more than that and how your time together can work out as friends somehow. perhaps this plea can make him see that it may be better to have you as a friend than nothing at all.

hiya

friends with benefits are a good arrangement if it works for both people - but a lot of the time it seems that at least one of the people tends to fall a little bit for the other. the only issue with this is that if you're unsure that he feels the same it may make things slightly awkward in terms of a potential relationship and, if that's not what he wanted, it may not be able to return to friends with benefits.

if he's into you then keeping him interested shouldn't necessarily be an issue although i understand your concern. at the moment if you're seeing each other semi-regularly then texting won't be your main form of contact but, during the summer, increase the way you talk via text, phone calls, emails, facebook etc... maybe even write to each other. also, perhaps arrange to see each other once every 2/3 weeks if you can - it'll be good to see that the flame/spark's still there between you two whilst still keeping it relatively casual.

it sounds as though you two are doing a good job of keeping interested in each other so far. i realise this is due to seeing each other but if you carry on as you are there shouldn't seemingly be a problem. of course, the problem is that you feel more for him than just 'friends with benefits' so you might be worried he might 'stray' from the arrangement if you two aren't sleeping together etc. 

i think in order to feel less concerned about this you could perhaps tell him how you feel. it's very daunting but if he has an idea of your feelings he may be more careful to keep in touch with you. of course, this may work in the opposite favour as it's a big leap from benefits to feelings/emotions. it depends on how you two work together, if you can genuinely see it working with him and you're prepared for the potential consequences then you could perhaps tell him.

hey. 

that's a really lovely thought of you to consider her feelings in the sense of not adding stress to her life and it's nice to see someone putting another person's feelings before their own.

this is a situation that a large amount of people go through and it really is difficult. it sounds as though becoming involved in helping her end up with your crush would make your feelings towards her stronger knowing that she's interested in someone else. you've clearly thought about liking her and it doesn't sound like something you're rushing into without considering both your and her emotions which is a good thing as you seem sorted within yourself rather than weighing up whether you do or don't like her.

i think either way both have positives and negatives - if you were to tell her you like her would you be prepared for a potential knock back and how would that affect your relationship afterwards? on the other hand, if you don't let her know of your feelings would you be able to continue without regretting telling her how you feel for her? i think it depends on your reaction and preparedness. have you fully considered a relationship with her and whether you could see it? if you could and you're happy to let her know how you feel then i think you should perhaps 'go for it'. you may always live with the regret that you wish you'd have told her. 

perhaps, regardless of whichever decision you take, it is best not to be too directly involved in helping her with her crush. becoming so connected to a situation that you might not necessarily want to happen can hurt your feelings so if you were to go down that route per se i'd say to distance yourself slightly from what's happening - be an ear to her but without the active role that could hurt you and subconsciously upset your friendship slightly.

hiya

i'm sorry to hear that! it must be both upsetting and frustrating for you to interpret what's happening. you haven't said if there's any reasoning to this - a build up or situation that may have lead to this.

i assume, as you're together, that you know her reasonably well and are close/comfortable with her so perhaps ask her why in a moment when she is calm and seems okay to talk to you. you're aware of what's happening which is key as you're obviously assertive enough to understand that something might potententially wrong.

hey 

it can sometimes be a risky business sleeping with someone that has connections to your family - especially in terms of friendships etc. of course, this was both of your choice so it's as much his issue as yours.

it sounds as though you two do like each other in more than the physical level you're currently carrying out. having sex can be an intimate thing and the fact there could potentially be more is both awkward (given the situation) and at the same time a really nice thing. how does going into a more personal level make you feel? if it makes you happy then it's nothing to feel bad about. although you're 'going behind their backs' essentially at the same time not everything has to be in the air and in a way it can be seen as 'your business'.

of course, it entirely depends on your family situation - how close you are and how comfortable you are with the situation. it looks to me as though the fact he's friends with your brother and cousin is obviously playing with your mind and an issue for you from the way you've described it.

it depends entirely on how you feel. if you want to be with him i'd like to think that, depending on your family's situation, although they may be shocked/surprised if you two were serious about giving a relationship a go and you sat down and told them together then essentially you could. be prepared that obviously it may take them aback and cause some conflict but if you want to be with each other and that's the only thing stopping you then perhaps consider why it would be an issue for them. there's no reason that a relationship should hinder friendships with people and keeping your family and relationship life separate is always an option. of course, if it really would be a problem with you, him or them then it can be reconsidered.

it's completely up to you but i definitely think you two should talk about it. the key is communicating how you feel with each other - if you want to be together it's best to approach your family first to let them be aware of the situation. of course, if you're still unsure that's completely fine but going from having sex to seeing someone and properly being with them is quite different in comparison.

the problem seemingly with open relationships is obviously... that they're 'open'. obviously you took it as a joke but the issue is that within an open relationship it obviously encourages being able to 'see' or 'do stuff' with other people. there might have been many reasons to him suddenly ignoring you - if he's asked you into a relationship he might not know how to handle your answer, not have expected it etc.

have you spoken to him about your uncertainess? rather than guessing what he's feeling i think perhaps have a word with him and explain what you said to me. sometimes, and a big strain on the sometimes as i don't generalising, guys don't overthink their actions or even realise they're ignoring girls/people in general. sometimes they do and i'd say in order to fully understand where you two are at, what he wants or what happened to change things it's best to just ask. 

hi

i'm sorry to hear that you two've split up after such a good start as well. it's a shame as well to hear that your relationship became all about the physical aspect as opposed to being able to be comfortable with each other and love each other for reasons other than sex etc.

i can see why you're upset about losing your virginity to someone that doesn't mean as much to you as they did at the time but please, please don't eat yourself up about it! a lot of people worry about losing their virginity and that the person they want to lose it to was important to them. it is a big thing and i respect that opinion however, i think the way you felt at the moment you first had sex is more important than your emotions now. 

of course, it must be very upsetting but i really do think that worrying about it isn't good for you. at the time you were in love with him and it was going really well so it was a natural build up within the relationship. i think if you were happy at the time then try not to compare how you are now to how you were then. you may not be together anymore or think you mean much to him but when you look back remember that you were happy and it was what you wanted at the time. you may regret it now but it's not a healthy thing. it's a very hard thing to do but cut off the moment between then and now. it's generally part of the build up within a relationship so it's completely acceptable that you had sex. 

honestly, worrying about it will just stress you out and i don't like the attitude of 'what's done is done' because it's very brash but there's literally nothing you can do about it. i think you should feel happy within yourself that you had a good relationship when you did have sex, a lot of people lose their virginity when they are drunk or don't even remember it etc so the fact you lost yours at a time you wanted to is a good thing. as long as you're happy you needn't worry about other people. (if you are worried about other people asking or anything then they don't have to know if you don't want them to!) also, you have the rest of your life to experience any other sexual experiences and, as much as people say they 'always remember their first time', if you're not satisfied the way it ended out with the two of you then it can always be made up with satisfaction in other relationships with other people.

in terms of getting back together with him and trying again are your reasonings because you really wanted the relationship or could it perhaps be anything to do with him being the person you lost your virginity to? of course, only you know your own feelings but it sounds as though your relationship fizzled out to something largely physical rather than enjoying each other's company and getting along as partners rather than just two people that have sex in a relationship. the finally decision of course is yours and if you do want to get back with him i'd say to tread lightly and mention to him that you perhaps want to try again.

hey

this is a really tricky situation that a lot of people are in so i can understand where your problems lie. communication in relationships can be difficult but especially when one is away - not only is it essentially 'long distance' but it's also hard in terms of when he's not working you may be busy and vice versa so it's hard to find the balance.

your view are completely valid and i respect you for staying in the committed situation for a long time - especially given the circumstances that you're not in 'first' place in comparison to his work. kudos to him that he's told you this from the beginning so it gave you an idea of what to expect but at the same time you probably feel a little left in the lurch. it's especially hard as he's the one that's in the army and you may essentially feel 'left behind'. 

i'd say firstly to have a word with him and explain that you do feel a little like second place and explain how you understood this when you got together but let him know that it's getting you down a little now. perhaps when you see each other you could have a 'date night' or do something more special. that way although you're not getting quantity with him the quality may 'make up' for it. of course it can't make up for the lack of him being there with you but then it may make the days go quicker to feel excited for the next weekend you see him. as well, emphasise that you'd like to talk to him through the week. at the moment, i hope i haven't got it 'wrong' or sound insensitive but it sounds like a 'part-time' relationship in the respect that you rarely speak to him and see him. that's not fair to either of you. especially you given how you say you're feeling.

you should feel treated. i'm sure you're a lovely and wonderful person and you deserve to feel good about yourself and that you want the attention and love that you deserve. dedication to a relationship like this is a wonderful thing and i have so much respect for you to going through it as you have. the strength of your love is obvious. however, if you're not happy and feeling like you're not getting anything back then i think you do need to be honest with him over how you feel.

talking to another guy is absolutely fine if you say it's harmless. it's good to be surrounded by people that make you feel good! in fact, i believe everyone should have friends like this. it sounds like you should have a word with your boyfriend and attempt to set aside time where you two can become closer and spend time together in a way where you feel more treated. spending weekends together is still brilliant in regards to his job in the army but if you feel like you're not getting any response during the week or feeling treated then the quality of the things you do may need to be changed rather than the quantity. 'long distance' relationships shouldn't have to be an issue in terms of time as long as the time you do spend together is one where you both feel special and looked after.