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@lipsthatbleeed

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“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand…”
— Sylvia Plath (via amargedom)
Pablo Picasso , Spanish 1881-1973

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I was on the way to the bathroom and this older woman was outside, I see her often obviously and I always try to smile and/or say hi. I smiled as I walked past her and went to the bathroom. She entered after me and asked me “how are you doing sunshine?” I didn’t know if she was speaking to me but no one else was in there so I answered and asked how she was doing. She said “I call you sunshine cuz you’re always smiling at me” I didn’t know what to say, said something like it’s nice to smile and be friendly, to which she responded “it makes people feel good”. I wanted to write this down and remember it bc lately I haven’t been feeling like a people person. Tbh I’ve been so negative in regards to other people, more than I ever have been in my life. But her saying that reminds me why I’ve always tried to smile at people, because when someone would smile at me it would really warm my heart. And I think we need more of that and I have to remember patience and kindness.
realization: not everyone deserves to know you.
Bebe died yesterday. I can’t believe she’s gone. I saw her maybe two weeks ago. She was so sweet and good. Wasn’t much of a cuddler but loved to be around her people. I wish I could hear her breathing/snoring. See her little curly tail wag and circle around me. I wish I could give her another kiss and hug. I hope she knew how much I loved her. And how much I regret not spending more time with her before she was gone. If that last time I saw her I could’ve known, I would’ve held her so tight and taken her with me. I wish I had taken her. I can’t help but wonder if maybe she’d still be alive. But maybe it was her time to go. RIP Bebe. I will think about you and love you always. You will always be my baby girl.

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I have a million thoughts racing. Not sure what to talk about first. The fact that I’m crazy af??? Or that I have no one to talk to?? No friends? I have a boyfriend but I treat him like shit?? And I know I’m being crazy but I just let my emotions take over and then I feel guilty but then the cycle just resumes later. My insecurities are getting worse. My self esteem is at an all time low. I used to think I was a good person. That I was nice and sweet. Idk where that girl went. She probably doesn’t exist anymore. The sweetness turned bitter. Now I am this jealous, angry hateful person I never wanted to be. But that’s who I am now. I hate being me.
Lol I’m a fool! To think someone can love me for me! I don’t think anyone ever will.
Still I rise // Maya Angelou.
J is being annoying again. The yoogsh, ghosting n being lame af. Why do I put up with it? Oh ya cuz I need to get some errands done 💅🏻👄👙✈️🏝💸💵💄👸🏼💃🏼

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I base my worth on my attractiveness. I hate it. But it's the truth. It drives me fucking insane. Everywhere I go, whenever I see a pretty woman...my heart sinks down to the pit of my stomach. I feel sick. I feel immediately inadequate. Lol. Wow. It's good to write things out.
Somewhere in my mind I realized that people liked me (at least it seemed that way regardless if it's true or not) when I was pretty or whatever etc. in high school I was trapped and hid in my sweatshirts and rain jacket. Baggy shirts. Just so uncomfortable in my skin. I think I subconsciously connect my unattractiveness to having no friends. And then when I finally did try, which maybe didn't really change how people saw me but maybe with feeling like I looked better I felt more confident and able to try and make friends more.
Idk tho even with that realization I just wish I was the most beautiful. I wish he wouldn't have left me. I wish I was pretty enough for him to not have cheated on me. I wish I was attractive enough for him to not want anyone else or to even look at anyone else. But I wasn't. No matter how much he told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever known or been with, it didn't matter. Because how could that be true when he would cheat on me? Seek out other women behind my back. I still love him. I know deep down I still want him. I still wish we would've worked out. I wish when rosy had said those 2+ years ago that she thought we would get married that she would have been right. I wish I could go back to the very first time we met, when we didn't know yet what a hell we'd be going through. When it was just pure...idk excitement...hopefulness. Blissful ignorance? Idfk. But it was just so sweet and pure of a moment. lol if I knew then what I know now.
I just thought to myself, 'you're only remembering the bad...there was a lot of good too" which is true maybe but I need to get over him and move on and if that means thinking of the bad then that's what I should do.