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I was on the way to the bathroom and this older woman was outside, I see her often obviously and I always try to smile and/or say hi. I smiled as I walked past her and went to the bathroom. She entered after me and asked me “how are you doing sunshine?” I didn’t know if she was speaking to me but no one else was in there so I answered and asked how she was doing. She said “I call you sunshine cuz you’re always smiling at me” I didn’t know what to say, said something like it’s nice to smile and be friendly, to which she responded “it makes people feel good”. I wanted to write this down and remember it bc lately I haven’t been feeling like a people person. Tbh I’ve been so negative in regards to other people, more than I ever have been in my life. But her saying that reminds me why I’ve always tried to smile at people, because when someone would smile at me it would really warm my heart. And I think we need more of that and I have to remember patience and kindness.

Bebe died yesterday. I can’t believe she’s gone. I saw her maybe two weeks ago. She was so sweet and good. Wasn’t much of a cuddler but loved to be around her people. I wish I could hear her breathing/snoring. See her little curly tail wag and circle around me. I wish I could give her another kiss and hug. I hope she knew how much I loved her. And how much I regret not spending more time with her before she was gone. If that last time I saw her I could’ve known, I would’ve held her so tight and taken her with me. I wish I had taken her. I can’t help but wonder if maybe she’d still be alive. But maybe it was her time to go. RIP Bebe. I will think about you and love you always. You will always be my baby girl.

I have a million thoughts racing. Not sure what to talk about first. The fact that I’m crazy af??? Or that I have no one to talk to?? No friends? I have a boyfriend but I treat him like shit?? And I know I’m being crazy but I just let my emotions take over and then I feel guilty but then the cycle just resumes later. My insecurities are getting worse. My self esteem is at an all time low. I used to think I was a good person. That I was nice and sweet. Idk where that girl went. She probably doesn’t exist anymore. The sweetness turned bitter. Now I am this jealous, angry hateful person I never wanted to be. But that’s who I am now. I hate being me.

Lol I’m a fool! To think someone can love me for me! I don’t think anyone ever will.

J is being annoying again. The yoogsh, ghosting n being lame af. Why do I put up with it? Oh ya cuz I need to get some errands done 💅🏻👄👙✈️🏝💸💵💄👸🏼💃🏼