LionsDen'

First year Darkness, the midnight we knew

It was the virgin year, year of virginity….in many ways than one. There was always a corner of darkness within the fireworks of that year, always one aspect of it that lived in the shadows. I am not too sure if the things that I wish I did out-weighed the things I wish I didn’t, but either way the dichotomy of light and darkness was ever constant. It was a first of many, first for sex, first for love, first for lust and first for trust because in that flux of spontaneous behavior there was the formation of habit. Habit in the sense that friendships were made, friendships that we believed would last a life time, friendships we believed that wouldn’t fade away as the years did. Friendship that was unconditional, but as the years passed the darkness was unavoidable, the naiveté of that life caught up to us and four years later everything was dark again. Darkness without light, without hope and without sight.

Lets start with love. Crazy stupid foolish love, the love that a child has- fearless and without question. Love for the stranger sleeping in the room beside you, love for the girl in your building who would keep you up at night and love for the darkness within us that made us special. What is love without trust, and what is trust without fear. I feel that you only know how deeply you trust someone or something until it betrays you..betrays you in the sense that it exists like the darkness does in our souls. Truth is betrayal and it is the one and only thing which truly exposes how much trust one can have, similar to the way that our darkness exposes how much light there is within us. Only when the lights turn off and everything is black do we get a glipse of our light, the light that shines within our soul. I know this light, ive seen it in myself and more importantly ive seen it in others. I ve seen it in the eyes of a friend and in the lips of a woman. Ive seen this light in the fit of rage of a loved one and also in the tears of a enemy. Ive seen this light like it was at the end of a tunnel and I was succumbing to nothing but blackness, ive seen it shine in places that no one cared to look. Most importantly Ive seen it in you.

Lets talk about pain. Pain was my friend, pain was my lover..pain was the person I could always count on to be by my side. Pain was the feeling that I could take in my hands, hold in my fingertips and run across my body in a plea of control. I would grab a hold of it by the throat and with a slight motion of the hand paint “I am your master” over my body. Pain was the magical thinking I had that if I was its master and allowed it to come and go as I pleased that it would give me happiness. It didn’t give me happiness it merely left me with scars. Pain was what I would see in people eyes, and they would see it in mine. Pain was my connection to the world. Pain is what I saw in you.