L o s t

Lazy pinned hopefully-temporary post--this is a multi-muse featuring Genshin Impact, Honkai: Star Rail, Tales of Series and some extras (hopefully temporary muse list below the cut). General RP etiquette, I have an exclusive Zelos, etc. etc. written by Leon (he/they 25+), re-est. 2/17/24

Oho~? Could that long hair belong to who he thought it did~? Nonchalance seeps through the bird's being to an uncanny level as he slinks along the streets behind his target, giddy steps near giving away his reconnaissance 'til he gets close enough for confirmation. It was--and so the bird crept ever closer 'til he was within arms length to reach out and flick at the wolf's ear from behind.

Zelos had fully expected Presea to say anything other than what she had. That in itself was a foolish mistake for if anyone here would greet his theatrics with complete neutrality, it would be Presea. What he should have expected was the same strange and profound musings that she always seemed to have ready. A unique perspective that only someone who has gone through what she has could give. Some may say it cold and logical but sometimes logic is what is needed in times of distress. He could feel the fear bubbling beneath the surface of his skin. The fear that he was showing too much and being seen for what he really was.

A pathetic, miserable excuse for a living being.

“Maybe it’s only straightforward for people who have a clear conscious.” Or people who are too stupid and naive like a certain someone they know. What does he think it’s all going to accomplish? And if he does manage somehow, another problem will come up. That’s how it’s always been. Always will be. At least the problem Zelos poses can be easily solved.

Even if there’s sometimes a voice in him that asks what will it accomplish? It won’t make up for the things he’s done. Realizing he had gone silent for a little too long, he turned to look at his companion with a stern gaze. She’s right of course. It is not another’s choice to do something like that. But they still play a part, don’t they? “Humor me just a little longer.” It almost sounds like a plea.

“Do you think… offering up one’s own life could work for atoning for the unforgivable?”

She makes a point to keep her eyes on him--but not in an obvious way. He wavers in her peripherals, afraid to turn to him fully, to fully embrace this near taste of vulnerability, of something almost real, lest he run and hide like a startled deer. This was not a hunt, but it felt like it took the same sort of persistence, a patience required to not flush out prey from bush before the right timing, lest she have to start anew to wait again for sincerity. It felt a topic where a slight misstep would remove the possibility of ever hearing such words from Zelos again.

   “I--don’t think so. That--”   This was especially difficult. A detachment from emotion gave one a logical take, an ability to learn and retain information but it rarely seemed to serve her well. She could feel a sort of logic to this question, however--   “If someone seeks another’s life, it’s payment. If--someone gives up their life, if no one’s asked for it--that is... escape, I feel. It’s not payment.”

Perhaps it was callous, a cynical outlook to take, to call a life ‘payment’ but it was the best way she could put it. From her own experience, she wanted to take everyone involved in the experiment that caused her to lose so much, and wring her lost time out of them, to take some sort of payment to ease the hurt. She wanted the death of some of them, but if that death had come from their own hands? Their own choice--to ‘atone’? She was far from an expert at figuring out her emotions, but she knew that would leave her feeling cheated or frustrated that after all they’d done, they’d changed their minds and done--nothing. Worse than nothing. Escaped from any actual fixing of anything.

If she had to deal with the consequences of their actions, so should they. They should pay.

It did not not surprise him that Presea’s first response is one of confusion. The question itself is after all, at odds with everything that made up a living thing. It goes against the instinct for survival and defies imagination. And yet… And yet there are still people who feel that way. They believe life is a curse rather than a blessing. When Presea continued, he found himself being aware of the weight on his chest and found it slowly lessen as she tried to wrap her head around it all. At least someone was trying to see that point of view. At least someone’s gut reaction isn’t to yell about how stupid that was, how selfish.

But maybe it’s that relief that makes him unworthy of the gift of life.

Zelos remained silent for a little while longer as he mulled over her words. A choice rather than a right, huh? Yes, he supposed that made sense. Rights seemed to be more of something given whether or not they were asked for whereas choices were left up entirely to the individual. So what does that say about him?

Shortly after, he gave a dry and short laugh. One more suited to someone having just experienced a moment of awkwardness rather than the heavy atmosphere they now sat in. The Chosen turned to look at her with one of his well-practiced smiles. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just talking. Since I love the sound of my own voice, right?” Yet he wants to ask her more and found himself unable to stop before letting loose another question.

“I mean… it’s a pretty straightforward choice, don’t you think?” Nor can he stop himself from letting his voice from wavering that tiny little bit.

He’s putting on his mask again. It always hurt her heart to see his easy slip back into smiles and cheer, as if anything else was a mistake. As if there was only one way for him to be a proper person of worth, and she couldn’t help but see how such a mindset reflected upon her, a person who couldn’t smile. Sometimes, his forced cheer, that well practiced laugh to ease tension and smooth cover, sometimes it felt like an attack against her inability to do the same, though she knew it had nothing to do with her. But more than any harm that it might do her, she worried more still for her friend when he covered up any glimpses of sincerity he’d show.

   “I don’t think such a choice is straightforward at all.”   She’ll not respond to his self-mocking--experience tells her that is way to push him back, to that mask he loves and she hates. So she’ll do her best to not react--a specialty of hers, if she might say so.   “And--I don’t think--it matters what I think. It’s not my choice to make, for someone else to take their own life.”

It’s oddly soothing, hearing that she is also in disagreement. Just knowing he wasn’t the only one who had ideas that clashed with their leader put him a bit more at ease. He too liked Lloyd’s naivety and his drive but that’s all it was for him. That sort of thought process was unrealistic and foolish in his eyes but he was content to let Lloyd continue to pursue his impossible dream for now. He’ll learn and it certainly wasn’t his place to teach him. The silence between them brought his gaze back down and eventually a turn of his head to look at her.

The one time left behind.

“Right… Some things are just too horrible to ever be forgiven.” Things that he had done. That he will do. For a moment, he considered asking if she thought Regal should be further punished before changing his mind. That’s not his place, it’s not his business. Besides, he had more pressing matters on his mind. A matter that made his lips twitch into a sad smile and his gaze drop instead now to the dirt.

“But that kind of begs the question…” If any of their group had to hear him, Presea would be best. Presea would not cause a scene. Presea would not yell at him for daring entertain a thought of this caliber. “Don’t some people then, don’t they have a right to die too?”

Too horrible to ever be forgiven. People who used others for experiments, who stole others’ time and lives, people who killed little sisters--some people deserved to face consequences. To die. Perhaps it was merely her emotions clouding judgement--but after so many years spent unfeeling, she would hold onto what few emotions she could still feel, and that hate had kept her with purpose when everything was so overwhelming, kept her from falling apart. But even logic dictated horrible people would keep doing horrible things until stopped. 

Zelos’ return question stumps her, however, brow furrowing and frown forming as she tries to figure out what he means. A right to... die? Living was what was given, a right that could be taken away. Dying--was having that right taken away or given up, wasn’t it?

Is he okay? Is he ever?

All he gave her was a quiet mumble before some life seeped back into his eyes. Something had been on his mind for quite some time. It had been bothering him ever since he first heard it and every time it has been said by their leader. He’s just a kid. A naive one. Sweet, yes and kind but much too naive. Presea at least, she was smart enough to know reality. She had to face it every day. Maybe she could help.

“Hey, Presea. You know how Lloyd keeps saying everyone has a right to live?” He paused and turned his gaze skywards, expression falling back into neutrality. “…Do you agree with him?”

She’s not sure what he first says, and this concerns her further. Zelos is good at platitudes, she knows, and that he cannot properly elucidate makes the small girl want to reach out, hand hovering as she’s not sure how receptive her friend may be to comforting touch. There were times it was not wanted, and she wasn’t aware enough of social cues to tell when and not.

   "I--do not. I think... some people deserve to die.”   She likes Lloyd’s idealism, his enthusiasm and willingness to work towards what he believes is right and just--but she does not think she could ever be like him, or think like him. She’s simply been through too much, seen too much of the wretched nature of others to have come out clean. Her hand slowly retracts, fingers gently touching the crystal at her throat. Some people had to pay for their actions and choices, and their debts accrued ‘til only one thing could even begin cover the costs.

𝐏𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐎𝐌 𝐕𝐈𝐒𝐀𝐆𝐄  :  ghostly, fleeting image of renounced youth with cheeks lightly aglow. however, whether the gentle, almost unnoticeable dusting of rose ‘cross his cheeks is a result of embarrassment or inebriation was … indeterminable.  ❝  you? honest? i’m surprised.  ❞  a jest immediately followed by a smirk. if there was but one everlasting quality to his character untouched by the blackening of his heart, it was his classic wit  /  confidence without so much as a sliver of shame. present, even now, during this time of transformation from vigilante to pure villain. a rare softness taking form in this lighthearted persona, reserved specifically for only him.  ❝  is that right? missed me that much, huh?  ❞  perhaps, he would miss the man he knew even more should he know what tragedies were created by yuri’s own hands during their time apart. ❝  how can i make it up to you?  ❞  his own performance now following suit.

   “I’ve turned t’ an honest man, truly--!”   Oh, he’s hurt, injured, laying on the cold hard ground at the (completely correct) accusation that he might be anything otherwise. He is, at the least, a more honest man that before--not every word was fabricated lie and colorful story. Why, to the wolf at least, if the right question’s asked, he might even be wholly truthful. But who took the last beer? Not him.