Pretend You Know Me

From the producer who decided all these movies were a good idea comes…

Me, Captain Hook

The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe: The Reckoning

Karate Jesus: Laser Pope’s Deception

Miss Muffet: Curse of the Spider Queen

Captain Ahab: Whale Stabber

Dr. Suess: Steampunk Robot Fighter

George Washington Carver: Jack Frost’s Revenge

Do you guys remember that jingle for Just for Men hair dye?  Well I do and I love it, it goes “it looks so natural, no one can tell. Just for Men.  No one can tell with Just For Men”.  I love this ad campaign because it doesn’t try to manipulate the consumer. It is basically saying “Hey, you feeling a little older because of your grey hair, but you are also embarrassed that you care about it because society says men aren’t really supposed to care about that sort of thing or be insecure in that way.  Well Just for Men will keep your secret.  Also, you will still be able to get younger women to sleep with you."  There isn’t much more to say than that.

I think we would have a lot more interesting ad campaigns if other companies had this same approach. Here are some examples.

Kid Leash

It’s just easier than trying.

Magnum Condoms

They’re a little too big, but you feel cool buying them.

Hickory Farms

It doesn’t taste very good, but crossing off ten names on your Christmas list feels REALLY good.

See’s Candy

Come in because of the free sample, buy because of the guilt.

Summer’s Eve Douche

Something might be seriously wrong, but it’s less embarrassing than going to the doctor.

For some unknown reason I have always loved the idea of being the last person on earth.  When I first saw the trailers for 28 days later and I Am Legend, I was very excited because I thought that was what the movie was about, then the dumb monsters showed up and ruined everything.  Don’t get me wrong I love monsters as much as the next guy who also loves monsters, but I love the idea of being the only person on earth more.  I think I mostly like the aspect of not having any of your actions have consequences. 

I have spent more time than is probably healthy thinking about what I might do with this opportunity.  Keep in mind the things I am about to say I would do are meant to be funny but also there is a grain of truth to them.  When I imagine this scenario I don’t really think about why I am the only person left and I don’t imagine any sort of terribly calamity.  I don’t want bodies in the streets or a nuclear wasteland to deal with, I want everything to be just the way it is but everyone disappeared.  Like a deadbeat dad, one day they are there and the next they’re gone. Also water and power still work somehow, I know it doesn’t make any sense but it’s not gonna happen anyway so I can make it whatever I want, and no packs of murderous dogs either.  There are dogs but they are all sweet and give me kisses, kitties too.

Anyway, one of the main things I would do is look through peoples stuff.  I would sleep in a different house every night, some night it would be a mansion and some nights a crack house.  If I am the only person on earth I don’t really have to worry about the neighborhood.  When in these houses, I would search to find all the embarrassing stuff people own like giant dildos, porn, and spandex pants.  When I leave the house the next day, I will leave all this stuff on the front lawn, one, because it’s funny, and two, so I know I have already been there. 

Over the years I have worked at some truly crappy places (foreshadowing), it all started with my first job at discount store Big Lots.  When I started working there it was called MacFrugals, which I actually love as a name for a store, while I worked there they changed the name.  At first it was going to be changed to Big Lots Odd Lots, then they decided on just Big Lots, not much better in my opinion.  My mom had worked there for a long time and when I needed a job she talked her boss in to hiring me as a janitor.  The thing is stores like Big Lots don’t have a Janitor position. I think she made me that because she was hiring me as a favor to my mom, who she was sort of friends with, and because it was a favor I hadn’t earned a coveted regular stock person job.  It’s fucking Big Lots bitch, nobody who works there has any experience. That is the kind of lady the boss there was, she had weird unreasonable opinions about things that she held to for no reason.  To put it simply she was a stupid, illogical person who thought she was smart and should be respected because she was a manager.  She was manager because she had worked there for like 20 years and if they don’t make you manager of a Big Lots after working there for even 15 years the governments secret Pathetic Squad comes and shoots you in the head.  Clearly I didn’t like the boss.  This is not because she was mean to me, actually she liked me because I am a hard worker.  I only had to be a “janitor ” for like a week and then I got to unload truck and do stocking.  I didn’t like her because she was dumb and would do stupid, unreasonable annoying things. 

My first day on the job she had me climb up a ten foot ladder and change the halogen lights on the roof.  I am 5'5" and the roof there was probably about 17 feet.  So to change the lights I would have to stand on the very top of the ladder on my tip toes and reach as far as I could.  Also, the store was open so anyone could just bump into my ladder whenever and kill me.  She didn’t have anyone help me either, so for every light fixture that held four halogen lights I had to climb down the ladder and back up carrying a six foot light bulb.  It was soooo dangerous and terrifying.  I knew it seemed like a bad idea but it was literally my first day working, ever, how was I supposed to know this wasn’t normal.  I found out later that stores are not supposed to have employees do that job, at all.  It is supposed to be contracted out and done by professionals.  I once saw them do it at another job and guess what they had a much bigger ladder and there were two people, one to climb and one to hold the ladder and hand the other guy the light bulbs.  See, she would have to be a moron to have an eighteen year old, on his first day on the job do this suicide mission.  I wish I would have hurt myself then because I could definitely have sued.

I don’t have much more to say about my boss except that I ended up telling her how stupid she was to her face and quitting. One day this guy I worked with was talking to me while we unloaded the truck. We were both working hard and the unloading was going smoothly as ever, unloading trucks is hard ass work by the way. She came back to the stock room and yelled in the truck that we needed to stop talking.  I asked if we were going too slow, in actuality we were going faster than they could keep up with.  Whenever she was in charge of the truck unloading process this would happen, it didn’t happen when other people did it because, as I said before, she was bad  at her job.  So I told her that it was ridiculous and arbitrary to tell us not to talk then, what did it matter if we talked as long as we were working and keeping up pace.  There were no customers around and we were pretty much alone in a truck. She said something like because I am the boss, that sort of terrible logic is a huge trigger for me so I nicely told her what I thought about her “management style”.  My mom saw the whole thing and told me that I was actually very calm and reasonable the entire time.  I explained to her why I thought she was a bad and stupid manager and for every true point I made she would start yelling louder and louder. I say my mom told me because I was filled with so much adrenaline at the time that I can hardly remember.  I do remember her pretty much screaming nonsense as I explained that she manages the stores resources poorly and then blames it on the staff when certain things are not done.  I love telling people off, but I do not think it is useful to yell, you should do it calmly and just be honest, no petty insults or anything, those are best saved for behind their back.  I have done it a few times and a few people have witnessed it over the years. I am not some big jerk though, all the people I have ever told off were definitely the bully in the situation and really deserved it.  God, I wish I could do that as a job, it really is fun.  It is sort of sad that I actually like all the people I have in my life currently because there is no one to tell off.

I want to talk about another one of my friends.  I mentioned before that in grade school I wasn’t very popular. The friends I did make tended to be weirdos.  In fourth grade the only friend I had was a mentally challenged kid, he was actually one of my favorite friends.  The other two I remember best were this kid named Michael who I will be devoting an entire post to at a later date, and this kid John King,  who I will be talking about now.  Normally I don’t use last names but this guy is a total dick and I do not care, plus it allows me to tell you that every time I bring him up to anyone I say “My friend, John King”, I have no idea why I do that.  I don’t really consider him a friend anymore and usually I am talking to my girlfriend who has heard about him before and knows who he is, so yeah, I’m dumb.

I couldn’t find a picture of John but this is my guess as to what he might look like now.  It is pretty much how he looked then plus a mustache and beard.

Time for another story from my childhood. Again it centers around the fact that I was a rather large chicken. My parents somehow had gotten a pop up camper. I really have no clue how that happened. I also do not remember us ever using it for what people usually use campers for. We did go camping every summer but I don’t think we ever used the camper. We just had it parked in our front yard like the classy folks we were. I was around 12 while we had it, so obviously it became a club house. It was pretty awesome although I think it was actually in fairly bad shape. It looked like something from a horror movie. Me and two of my friends were going to sleep in it one night. I should also say we lived in the country so there wasn’t much around us but a school and an apple orchard. My friends wanted to sneak out and walk around the country. This filled me with a terrible dread. I don’t think I was scared of anyone attacking us while we were out. I also don’t think I was scared of getting caught because I knew if we were caught my parents would probably just say we shouldn’t have done that and moved on. Regardless I really did not want to sneak out. My friends however really wanted to and made me feel like a total loser for being scared. I agreed to sneak out but first I had to go to the bathroom. I went in the house and immediately told my parents about what was happening. They told me to sneak out. My Dad said that he would catch us and then I wouldn’t look like a sissy and they would learn a lesson.

This is a similar camper.  It looks even less fancy than I remember.