friends, please read. gender announcement. may be a long one because there's a lot to explain, also to myself.
i first realised i was a guy (well, at the time, boy) when i was 14. i was, however, definitely a girl between ages 6 to 10. i dont really remember what was up before 6, i think i was a boy as a small child but it was a long time ago. in any case, my gender changed a few times in my life, but this didn't really dawn on me until recently. when i first learnt about the concept of trans people at the age of 14, i spent the better part of a month trying to convince myself i wasn't that, then i thought hey maybe its ok if I'm genderfluid or something. then i had to come to terms with really just being a boy, because i definitely wasn't changing gender every other day. and i didn't realise yet that i have changed genders a few times in my life already.
the born in the wrong body thing, or the "i was always a boy" thing never rang true to me though. i always said that i grew up a girl and then with puberty i changed into a boy, but i never meant it in the genderfluid way. it's just how i rationalised my relationship with transition. for 9 years at this point i had been a guy (as i am 23) and until some months ago i thought hey, i did it, im most of the way through my medical transition, i have fully transitioned socially, im confident in my gender, we did it, pack it up. well, turns out that i am genderfluid. just not every other day, or week, or whatever.
after 8 or 9 years of being a man, over a few months my gender slowly shifted again to being a woman, which is weird and it kind of sucks because i transitioned so i'm dysphoric again the opposite way. who knows if my gender will change again in five or fifteen or fifty years, maybe this one is the final product, but i thought that about the previous one too. irl ive only told my girlfriend so far, she's cool with it, being bisexual and all. working up the courage to tell everyone else. i dont want people to think i got it wrong, because i didnt, i probably never wouldve become a woman if i didnt transition to being a man in the first place, but people can be fucking weird about "detransitioning" (i genuinely don't know what's the right word sorry. is detransitioning okay to say?). i will never tell my mother. getting her to see me as her son was a hard enough battle.
the actionable information: she/he but i still like my friends to call me he, in the butch way. other masculine terms are not preferred. i still wouldnt call myself cis. being trans is a core part of my identity, and however long the girl phase is, even if forever, im genderfluid. my name is still jack, for now, i think it will stay but im not sure yet. i do actually want to change my hungarian name but it would complicate things with my mum so i won't be doing that, i can live with it.
that's all i think. sorry for the ramble i really wanted to get my gender across correctly because it feels really complicated right now. ask away if any questions, i do enjoy talking about this atm because it also helps me sort my thoughts and feelings out. peace and love bye
