Lindsay Rises

I think about this space and the wonderful people I’ve met here. I’m not sure why I don’t post more. My last post was over a year ago. Yikes!

Quick update:

Things are going well. ❤️

My dad is doing well. He’ll be 82 in May! 💚

Ramsey is…well, he’s Ramsey. He’ll be NINE in a couple of weeks! 😻

Ramsey still closes and opens his bedroom door, closet doors, and kitchen cabinet drawers and doors. Last week when I came home, I heard water when I opened the door. I thought, “What disaster is this? Broken pipe? Rain water coming into the basement?” Nah. It was just the kitchen sink. So I either have a ghost, or Ramsey has a new “talent.” 😹

I’m still ridiculously happy with my decision to go back to teaching. It’s my 2nd year back and I’m part of a school community where I’m surrounded by people - students, staff, families - that make my life and me better. 💜

I started playing pickleball last June and I LOVE it! I do not say I’m good at very many things, but I’m good at pickleball. For the amount of time I’ve been playing, I think I’m really good. Wheel of Fortune is the other thing I am really good at. 💛

Hey! Hi! Hello!

A little update, bullet-point style:

Things are going well. Going back to teaching has been the BEST decision I could have made! I LOVE my team, admin, students, families, and everyone else. After only teaching kindergarten for four years and first grade for ten years, I am loving teaching fourth grade.

I taught at this same school before (my first year in this district, 12 years ago). It was not a good year. At all. I swore I would never teach here again. And, here I am. It is completely different. It feels like home and I can see myself teaching here for a long time.

I really wanted to be back at the school I was at before taking a break. I was there for nine years. I didn't want to teach above second grade. I am so incredibly thankful things worked out the way they did.

Ramsey is good. He's still doing Ramsey things. :)

I still love New York, as you can see from the picture Ramsey plopped down on and the snow globe.

My dad is good. He turned 80 last May. He takes care of Ramsey every now and then. We call it Grandpa Camp. Ramsey is actually at Grandpa Camp right now.

I still love flowers. And candles. And all cozy things.

The flowers in the picture are from my brother and sister-in-law. They dropped them off today because....it's my birthday!

I got an early birthday "gift"....influenza A. Ugh. I missed work on Thursday and Friday.

I feel fine today, except I don't have a voice. So, another day off tomorrow, and another set of sub plans to write.

Hey! Hi! Hello!

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays! Wishing you only the best & *brightest* blessings today & in the new year! May your days be filled with *light* & L❤️VE.

I started a hey-i-missed-tumblr-snd-life-update post yesterday. I'll probably come back to it later. Maybe.

I don't know where else to put this. Tumblr feels like the best, safest (as in "few ppl irl will see it" vs IG or FB), and most understanding place to put this.

Let me start with this: I'm safe and I know (ok, maybe right now hoping more than knowing) that things will get better, but right now...things are not good.

Ramsey is fine. My family is fine. My friends are fine. I have a safe home. I have food. I have reliable transportation. I have a job. I have a therapist I really like. But yet, I just feel so....empty...so...hopeless.

Do you ever just think, "How the fuck did I get here?"

And/or, "This isn't how things were supposed to be. How do I course correct? Is it even possible?"

And/or go back and replay every decision that you feel led you to where you are at - even if, at the time, the decision seemed right, but now all you can hear is the critical self-talk and feel every ounce of your body fill up with self-hatred?

I feel like a shell of myself. I used to be so strong and resilient. Most days, I feel weak & fragile.

What the fuck happened to me? Yeah, failure is never fun, but I'm so terrified of failing - hell, even making a mistake - that I don't even try. Anything. Ever.

It's like I'm so afraid that after a setback I won't ever recover from it that I don't strive for anything better. Ever.

Goals? Dreams? What are those? Plans? I used to make plans upon plans upon plans, but took little action, if any action at all. Now? I don't make plans at all.

I am constantly on edge. So many things cause intense anxiety. Most days it feels like I'm worrying about things that might happen and trying to anticipate how to handle said things (that likely will not happen and/or are completely out of my control) from the minute I wake up in the morning until the minute I drift off to sleep at night.

Do I know, deep down inside that I am worthy of and deserve a better? Yes. Do I feel like I am strong enough to build a life I want? No.

I'm hiding from the world. And I have been for a really fucking long time.

I feel slightly better just getting that out. Thank you, tumblrs.

Happy Caturday! I wrapped Ramsey up like a burrito in his favorite quilt...a purr-ito if you will. 😺