You call this a connection?

She was genuinely hurt and he could see it in the way she spoke, the simple great, and the way that she continued the conversation as if it was one she had been having with herself for a while. He knew he had been laying on the charm thick, he had done all the right things and pushed all the right buttons. He had thought at the time it was a mutual understanding of why each button he had chosen to press within her was pushed, that she had been playing the same games with him. Hearing that her intentions were genuine, that when she kissed him back it was more than just the logical progression of their intricate dance with one another. It was a genuine wanting. Seeing her tense as his body pushed itself towards him gave him slight pause. He didnt want to make her uncomfortable, but he didnt want to allow her too much distance, he had always been this close with her, always let their bodies stay on the line between too close and not close enough. He placed a hand on his lips and let his fingernails graze over his lips. He wanted nothing more than to know what to say to her, but words escaped him. She had been one of the most genuine people he had ever met, the idea finally becoming painfully evident to him, that she would have never played the game with him that he did with her. She was incapable of being so disingenuous. Lincoln bit his lip softly before letting his hands cup hers. He brought her hands to his lips and kissed her fingertips softly, nothing meant by the movement, just feeling the need to comfort her in the way that he knew best. “I didnt know lilybeth..” he uttered his hands releasing hers, though not leaving her, he rested them against her calf. 

@tfniels

The week had been excruciating. He had spent most of it using everything that he could to escape. The night in question was no different. Laying shirtless in his bed he puffed at a joint he had rolled and let his stormy blue eyes lazily dance over the screen in front of him. He had wanted to escape, wanted to not think about the words that had been said to him by the man he had grown to care about so much. He hadnt realized what a hole it left in his week when the smaller brunette had not been around. He was sure that things between them were thoroughly through. Nothing left to say, it was clear, Lincoln Connors was the monster that he had been made out to be, and all that was left to do was live with himself. He was ready to put the jay down when he heard the knock. He checked his phone first, no messages, it wouldnt be the first time someone had shown up at his place without a warning, but who? He took a breath in and released it in a huff when he pushed his body out of bed, setting down the jay he made his way down the stairs from his bedroom to the living room. There was no second knock, and he wondered if they would have left by the time he would have gotten to the door. While a late night adult sleepover wasnt out of the question, it wasnt what he was looking for tonight. He opened the door without looking through the peep hole, his shirtless body now facing the brisk cold, he didnt know if it was the sight of him or the cold that brought goosebumps to his skin. He didnt know what to do. He was never speechless. However in this moment, his mouth agape and his head cocked to the side in confusion he just looked at him. Fuck was he gorgeous. Lincoln finally came to his senses, his hands on either side of the doorframe. “hey” he breathed out into the night 

Lincoln let the cold air be the thing that forced the air from his lungs every time he exhaled, the piercing night keeping him grounded. He was unsure of what to do now that the admissions had made their way out into the void of cold New York. He didnt know what to say, until he felt her arms around him, her head tucked into his jacket and his body took over, I know how to do this, it said. He wrapped his arms around her, and brought her close to him, a small breath let out to sync their breathing as he rested his head on top of hers. “I know bambi” he let out, his body pushing closer to hers still, he kissed the top of her head and just let this moment breathe. Let it be for a minute, let no words leave his lips, let his mind go blank. He broke it with the most simple utterance. “you and me will always be good, at least in my books” he pulled away just enough to see her face and tried to catch her eyes, but couldnt, for some reason there was something too honest about what he had said and his body didnt want to deal with what his mind had overflown out into existence. He continued “you have nothing to be sorry for. This is just the life we live.” He pulled her back into his chest. He just held her for a long moment and let the cold air whip around them. He knew this was far from over, that they had a lot more to work through, and that the moment they stepped back inside, things would be the same as they always had between them. Chides and taunts, playful grins and knowing glances, but right now in this moment there was no walls, no borders, and Lincoln didnt want to let that go yet. 

Watching her as she moved to be closer to him, was frankly a lot to handle, from the way that he friends almost tried to stop her, from the way that she soured in his presence. He used to make her light up, used to watch the sun shine through her eyes as she laughed. How far they had come. He let a small smile play itself across his features and took a few steps to close the distance between them. “I wanted to watch you perform, its the first time you have been close enough for me to not have to make it a thing” he said with a small shrug. That wasnt the real reason, he wanted to apologize to her, he didnt know what had possessed him to want to do this, because standing in front of her now, the words wouldnt come. He felt them, but they were not going to bubble to the surface, and he knew it. “Ive always loved seeing you so happy up there” he said with a smile, knowing how unbelievably inappropriate that admission was. He had no right to see her so happy, he had no right to see her ever, but here he stood, uninvited and unwanted, one feeling he knew well, the other was new. 

@reignxnova​

The pain was the first thing that was noted, like a literal stab in the chest it was getting harder for him to breathe, he clenched his jaw just a little bit and turned back to look at him. The man he cared for so deeply standing before him and he could only see a stranger. In his head this conversation went differently, they would be on the couch smoking together at this point, his arms around him as they passed a joint from one set of lips to the next. He would be biting at his earlobe and making stupid comments about the universe, as he listened to the other on one of his signature rants. This however was not the reality that they lived in and Lincoln had to accept that harsh truth. “okay” was all he could utter in response. The male had always been known for his effortlessness, the way he could breeze through situations as if nothing phased him and nothing got under his skin. That was not the man who stood in front of Niels. He hated it, he hated being so out of control. He pulled at the door once more and finally exited the apartment out to the cold January night morning. He looked back once more “yeah, maybe” he said with a small shrug at the goodbye being offered up by Niels. He shook his head and closed the door behind him. Walking out into the night he pulled out his phone, composing a message that he knew would never be sent before deleting it all and shoving the phone back into his pocket.

Lincoln could feel the storm brewing inside of him, and if he it had been anyone else, it wouldnt have been so apparent to him. In the time that he knew Sebastian he found something deep within him that so closely resembled himself that it was almost scary. In these moments it was like his thoughts were being shouted at him by the smaller males eyes. He could see every worry and every doubt and every bit of pain that was in there, because it resided within him too. He took a moment, hearing his small statement, he pressed his lips to his forehead, keeping them there for a brief moment before pulling away and sighing ever so softly as he heard him continue. “I..” he started before he was cut off by his best friend speaking to him in French, a laugh escaped his lips. He couldnt help it, it still shocked him that someone, anyone, saw him the way that Seb did. It was endearing. He let the laugh subside and pulled him in tighter before starting to speak. “bien sûr je comprend, tu ne me vois pas comme je suis” he said back, his words reverberating through his chest before starting to speak once more “I understand more than anyone else on this planet, what that feels like. When was the last time that I truly had someone, that I let everything go, that I pushed past everything I perceive as holding me back and just let go like you did?” he looked down at him for a moment. “what you did was the strongest, bravest thing anyone could do, just letting yourself love and be loved by someone else.” he looked down into his eyes and did not break the contact “but people are fucking messy, and sometimes shit gets too tough and you lose sight of your strength, but mon amour, you are one of the strongest people I have ever met” he placed one more kiss on top of his head “the only other person who compares is Jesse, and if any two people can work through shit its you two.” he spoke against his forehead. He pulled away once more and took a deep breath in. “you arent the person you are describing, you deserve happiness, and you will feel it again” he said finally. 

Lincoln savered the small moment of pure intimacy between the pair. It was fleeting but it was needed. He was glad to have moments like this with him, it reminded him that he did have a heart, that there were people who needed him, that he wasnt utterly fucking useless. He wasnt the monster that some people made him out to be, and it was relieving in a way he would never be able to thank Elton for. He smirked as he turned in his arms, looking down at him as he did so, never loosening his grip, never wavering in his hold on him. Just consistent and unending support. Lincoln laughed at he males words as they left his lips. “half spanish huh?” he teased “what would that even look like in a meal, I mean I know what it looks like in a snack” he teased playfully, shooting him a wink before laughing once more. “but I stand by my previous statement, there is nothing better than greek” he didnt let the smile fade from his lips before letting out a contented sigh. 

When her tone increased he knew that he had said something off color, he couldnt place what it was but it had riled something up deep within her, and for that he was sorry. He didnt know how to deescalate the situation, she was already almost at a yell, and he didnt want to make a scene, this was not what he had intended in showing up to her event. He didnt want to make it about him, he didnt want to make this something sour for her to deal with later, he wanted to support his friend in the way he always had. The one thing that had always connected them so deeply. “Charlie..” he said in an almost coo. “this isnt bullshit, this is our lives, we chose to make it public, we basked in the limelight and these are the consequences” he stated almost too simply. “but we are not bullshit, this whole fiasco is” he shook his head again. He was in desperate need of escapism, he wanted to be higher than he was, he wanted to be drunker than he was, this whole situation was entirely too sobering. Lincoln took her by the elbow gently, “come with me” he said, his blue eyes piercing her, not allowing there to be room for discussion, they needed room to breathe. He took her through the maze of the gallery and out into the frigid air. Hoping it would be the shock to the system they both needed. “I dont think you are even capable of being stupid Charlie” he said once they had made it out into the night. “and I dont want you to ever think of yourself that way. I am sorry I said what I said, I shouldnt have” he was even shocked at his words, he had yet to out right apologize to almost anyone else in his life, his apologies always being sort of round about, leaving room for interpretation, not this one. Not with her. He took a breath in and surveyed the night sky, hoping for clarity. “you do know I love you?” he said his head still tilted towards the sky. “thats not changing ever. You get on my fucking nerves, and sometimes I dont know if I can stand to be in the same room as you, but I fucking love you Charlie” he said finally turning his head back to her. “you are one of my best friends” he had never given her any snippet of this, never given her honesty, clarity, truth. Now was a good a time as ever, as the rest of his life crumbled around him, he knew that some relationships he couldnt let crumble. 

Lincoln looked down for the briefest moments before looking back to the taller male that had so willingly accepted the wayward man in to his home so many times previous. He shrugged and scratched the back of his head. “what can I say? Im a fuckup?” he offered with a laugh before motioning he wanted to enter the apartment, escape the freezer that was New York in January. He took a moment before entering, almost uninvited, he kicked off his shoes and shrugged out of his jacket. “okay.. so if I tell you I have fucked everything up again, on a scale of one to ten, how shocked will you be” he laughed, turning to see Ace before putting his hand up as to stop him from speaking “ten right? cause I have” he sighed. Thinking of all of the things imploding around him, he shouldnt have been shocked with himself that he was so desperately seeking out Ace. 

The tension in his home was palpable, he could feel it everywhere Jesse went, it was an air of self loathing and pain that echoed in every room he found himself in. Out here in the public it was a lot more manageable, and a lot more open. He was glad for it, for the small reprieve in the heavy nature that had taken over their friendship since the separation of homes, if only for Jesses sake. Lincoln laughed and shook his head “acting like I didnt just show up and annoy you is commendable, but you cant take credit for that” he teased, the waitress arrived and he ordered his meal, handing her the menu and turning his focus back to Jesse. “you mean I cant have pictures of your feet? after all we have been through?” he feigned hurt and then rolled his eyes. “if I were into feet the whole fucking world would know about it by now” he said, laughing at the probability of it all. He shrugged just a little “its a thought, maybe get you out of your head for a bit, and even if its just like a select few shows on the east coast? Maybe invite seb?” he offered, immediately regretting it. “I mean touring was always a good aphrodisiac” he teased, his teeth gritting just a bit, hoping he didnt open a can of worms he wasnt intending to