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I've been listening to my friend Robin talk about her new boyfriend recently, and it's seriously starting to hurt.

One thing I've never truly admitted out loud is that before Robin ever got with her boyfriend, I liked him first. I'd known her boyfriend, Beagle, before her because we shared the same band class. And it wasn't until the last couple of weeks of school that I started liking him. I never mentioned it because, one, I knew he'd never go for me, and two, it wouldn't work well amongst the people around us. And though I've mentioned before that I'm lithromantic, the thought of dating him, or him even potentially liking me back, never disgusted me like it usually would. And even now, the thought doesn't sound bad. But because he's dating my dear friend, Robin, and their relationship is going so well, I'll never act upon it. Even if they broke up, and the breakup period had passed (courtesy of girl code), I'd still never say anything, or try and persue him.

The only reason my liking for him got this bad was because of a school trip we went on. My school's band and choir had gone to a nearby theme park as a final trip for the kids. The day was great for everyone in our group and was ultimately one of the best of the school year. Anyway, it's the end of the trip, and I'm overcome with a wave of tiredness, and my social battery had plummeted. All of the kids are waiting in a lot for the buses to come get us and take us back, and I'm standing with the people in my group, trying not to pass out. Sadly, that day I'd worn Converse, which had ruined my feet, as well as the fact that I have chronic knee and hip pain, so I was just dying. In an act to combat my pain and tiredness, I lean against Beagle, and nearly fall asleep. At the time he hadn’t been dating Robin, so it was a safe time to be doing something like that. I leaned against him for a moment before someone else in our group had said something so I found myself trying literally anything else to try and stay awake. I’d ended up standing and staying silent for a while. To which multiple people responded to with laughter. The days consensus was that I could only last about six hours with these people before I got too overstimulated and my social battery was drained. And one significant moment is when I’m yet again close to passing out and Beagle grabs my face in this way that woke me up a little. He had held my face and looked at me so softly. He was laughing and telling me not to fall asleep standing, but it felt like something entirely different. Eventually the buses showed up and got all of the kids, but on the way home I slept on his shoulder. It wasn’t honestly some of the nicest sleep I’d gotten in a while.

But the worst thing about that ride was that Robin was sitting on the other side of me in that bus seat. And it was after that day that she’d started pursuing Beagle. And honestly, I’d tried everything in my power to get them to not want to date one another. I’d done it mostly because I thought they wouldn’t be good for one another (which has recently been proven wrong), but deep down I’d done it because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Though I talk to Robin often, and she tells me about their relationship, I just sit there and listen. I don’t say anything, I nod and smile. But there is always a pain in my chest when I listen to her talk about him.

The issue on the table,

I'm actively dating a dude I have zero real interest in simply because I fear he might end up hurting another girl.

This guy, I'll call Lamb, was a long-time friend of mine originally. We met at the beginning of the school year in band (we play the same instrument), and Lamb was dating a friend of mine, whom I'll call Robin. So, at the beginning of the year, we're all friends collectively, and it's great. Second semester rolls around, and Robin breaks up with Lamb. This was a bit of a mess for a minute amongst all the people I specifically hung out with because the two were a part of different friend groups. After they break up, the two go on a streak of dating other people to try to get over one another. Most recently, Robin got a really great boyfriend, and Lamb broke up with his most recent girlfriend, whom he'd been with for a while and who was also an old friend of Robin. That's when Lamb moves his attention from his ex to me.

Not even a day after breaking up with his girlfriend, he starts talking to me, asking questions like "Do you think I'm handsome?" At first, I just ignored it because, one, I don't date. I'm lithromantic, and don't feel atrraction towards people once they start liking me back. And two, I didn't like him like that. I remember vividly the day before he started talkig to I said, "We really need to stop dating within our friend group". I said it because of the six people in our group four of them were already dating eachother, Robin and her boyfirend, Beagle, and Bluejay and her boyfriend, Cod. So, that leaves me and Lamb. I only gave into it simply because I convinced myself that I might be able to like him for real.

Which didn't happen.

We talked for a day or two before people really started informing me about his past with other girls. Lamb could only be described as evil. He had a past of touching girls when unwanted, being quite manipulative, and sending. There was even a time when I was on the phone with a girl as he was sending to her. Even worse, he was talking to me at the same time.

Then, we reached here. I talk to him daily and fall asleep on the phone with him, but it's all fake. Because I'm friends with Robin, we often talk about him together. She gave a lot of insight into my situation and is my only outlet, considering she's the only one who is in on my whole fake dating situation.