secret gardens in my mind

Cover Me - Chapter 3

Pretty When You Cry

Summary:

Before he could sprint out, his eye caught the crumpled figure sobbing, sitting along the walls painted with cartoon animals intended to calm and soothe those who had the misfortune of being in the room. He recognized the man and, for not the first time that day, he wished he didn’t. The man he had haphazardly kissed the night before.

WC: 4,203

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Dennis was well acquainted with death. The church he grew up in was his first introduction to the idea that life wasn’t permanent. Most reasonable people would never force a child to understand that not only do people die, but that a hellish afterlife awaited them if they did wrong. His Sunday school teacher loved to remind the mere 5-year-olds of that fact when the class got too rowdy. But he was also taught of Heaven, a place that promised peace and refuge from the misfortunes of life. There were times in his youth when he thought it certainly sounded better than taking another beating from his older brothers. Even his relatives rejoiced about death. They would always announce how excited they were to “return home to the Lord,” even if they were perfectly healthy. He was taught to believe that everything was God's plan and that he did everything for a reason, even end lives. For many years, this was a satisfactory line of reasoning for Dennis. It made the thought of death less scary, less gruesome. When he would help his father put down a horse or a cow that had gotten too sick, he would remind himself that they’re in a better place, even with tears streaming down his face. It wasn’t until his grandmother died that he began to question how merciful death really was. He was the closest with her because she was the only one in his family, besides his mom, who didn’t ridicule him for being “more sensitive” than the rest of his brothers. She always reminded him to keep his heart open and that it was never a bad thing to be the way he was. He watched her die a slow death; some form of cancer was all the doctors in his small town ever cared to say. They didn’t even try to save her, more just managed her pain until she finally passed in her sleep. Dennis held her hand that entire night while he listened to her breathing slow until there was no longer any air in her lungs. He recalls that night being the time he decided he was going to become a doctor, of some sort at least. He could no longer sit idly and watch death take innocent lives. 

He considered himself quite lucky that he didn’t directly see death all that often, but his previous rotations of departments weren’t necessarily the breeding grounds for death like the ED was. So when his very first patient died this morning, death sent a cold chill down Dennis’s spine. The same chill he felt all throughout the last night of his grandmother's life. Everything he had set out to do by becoming a doctor came crashing down around him. The same nauseating thought that he had lost all his competency flooded his brain when his attending insisted that he stop compressions and call it. Nobody blamed him; nobody had to blame him. He blamed himself enough.

“No doctor on the planet could’ve caught this,” is what Dr. Robby had told him this morning, as if it was reassuring. The whole conversation felt like a mockery and a regurgitation of all his Sundays spent being told that even the most tragic death that happened to the most innocent people happened for a reason. He spent 20 minutes in the bathroom throwing up before he felt even remotely okay to treat another patient. 

And as he found himself surrounded by death now, the victims of blatant violence and hatred laid out in the irony of the pediatric room, he couldn’t help but feel the same nausea pull at his stomach again. Before he could sprint out, his eye caught the crumpled figure sobbing, sitting along the walls painted with cartoon animals intended to calm and soothe those who had the misfortune of being in the room. He recognized the man and, for not the first time that day, he wished he didn’t. The man he had haphazardly kissed the night before. The man who seemed to follow him around the emergency room all day, like a shark swimming around its prey. 

It had seemed to Dennis that death had no effect on the man, with his fixed face and steady voice every time he encountered it. The young boy’s heart sank at the thought that his judgments had hindered him from seeing through Robby’s professional mask that he had all but nearly glued to his face by now. The hard-ass of an ER attending was struggling, and he didn’t see it. He couldn’t resist his body’s pull to the man. If he didn’t do anything earlier, maybe he could do something now.

“Dr. Robby?” Dennis' voice came out steadier than it felt. Robby didn’t respond, so caught up in his panic, it didn’t seem like he was even aware someone else was in the room. He was muttering something the boy couldn’t quite make out. After another failed attempt to get the attending's reaction, he took a seat next to him on the ground. 

Dennis was a little shaken seeing the man he had thought was so emotionally checked out clearly having a breakdown. It was like some sort of sick proof that the man was human after all, and for some reason, it hurt to see him like this. 

“They need you out there, kid. You should go. They need you.” Robby’s voice came out clear, which caught Dennis by surprise. After all the mistakes Dennis had made today, he couldn’t find it in himself to believe Robby’s statement. Dennis let out a little scoff.

“We need you out there,” Dennis couldn’t help but let the next part slip out. “I need you out there.”

Robby seemed to curl in further on himself but turn his body closer to the boy. He looked at Dennis for only a split second, but Dennis could see the tears filling his eyes. He could see the look of surrender written on his face. Dennis wasn’t exactly sure what to do to get the man upright again. He had already figured out that Robby wasn’t the kind of guy who needed consoling or was any good at it himself from the poor attempt he had made with the boy earlier that day. Then, Dennis thought of something. A ridiculous idea and completely demeaning to his boss, but he might as well give it a shot. 

“Look at me.” Dennis tried to make the command sound forceful, but the gentle nature of his voice ruined his efforts. Robby was still hiding behind his hand, ignoring Dennis completely.

“Look at me.” He tried for a softer tone this time and reached out his hand to grab the man's face. Robby felt malleable in Dennis’s hands, completely unlike how solid he had felt at the bar. When Dennis met Robby’s eye, he found it hard to read what exactly was going through his head. Though, nothing was signaling that he wanted Dennis to stop. 

“Breathe, Robby. Look at me and breathe.” Dennis modeled calming, deep breaths. To his surprise, the man actually complied with his instruction. 

“Yeah, that’s right. Good. Keep breathing for me.” Dennis watched the man carefully and took note of how his chest began to slow down as his breaths took a calmer pace. Dennis leaned into the man's ear just slightly to deliver the next instruction.

“Now slowly stand up. Take my hand.” He held out his hand and waited.

“I can’t.” Robby sounded shaky even as his breathing had become significantly slower.

“You have to. Take my hand. Use me for support.” Dennis reassured him. And Robby did just that. He seemed to enjoy letting someone else take control for once. 

When Robby finally stood, he shoved Dennis away from him, signaling that he no longer needed him. Dennis felt a very small sense of accomplishment in knowing he could help; that the man didn’t immediately put his walls back up and walk out, but he certainly wasn’t about to push the limits. He stood only for a few more moments and then began his way to the door.

“I’ll see you out there.” Dennis didn’t wait for a reply as he knew he wasn’t getting one. Whatever headspace Robby was in that allowed Dennis to essentially boss him around, he had already snapped out of. 

_____________________

Robby couldn’t quite believe the scene that had taken place just a few moments ago. Being guided and told what to do should have felt mortifying, if it wasn't for the mouth that the orders were being barked out of. He thought it was quite cute how the naive boy thought he could help, but Robby had to admit that, to some extent, it did. If anything, it pulled his head out of his ass for enough time for Robby to realize how dumb it was to be wasting precious time having a meltdown when there were god knows how many patients that still needed help. He didn’t have these episodes often, and when he did, he was almost always on the roof or in his apartment, where no one could find him. He didn’t mean for it to happen in a place where anyone could walk in, but he just couldn’t help it. This time, he had no control over when it happened. The sheer amount of traumatic cases today and the PittFest shooting, combined with the fact that it was the anniversary of Dr. Adamson’s death, made this one of the worst days in his entire career. Robby knew he was in no state to be handling all of this, let alone handling it well. 

The man took a few more moments and a few more deep breaths, just like Whitaker had forced him to, before he left the makeshift morgue. He looked at Leah’s covered body one more time and vowed not to let another patient die today; he was almost afraid of what he would do if he did. 

Making his way out of pedes, Robby found Whitaker almost immediately. He still wasn’t quite sure how to feel about the interaction and was even less sure of what to say to him. He was almost shocked that the boy who was so small and gentle had a harder side to him. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thought he might like to explore that one day. 

“Good job, Whitaker, Donahue.” Robby nodded at the pair taking care of yet another injured patient. He addressed them both, but hoped that Whitaker got the message that his attending was back to business, following the boy's instructions. Dennis only offered a cautious smile as a response, but Robby could feel his eyes follow him as he made his way through the rest of the ER. 

Robby quickly resumed his position as attending, lobbing out compliments and thank you’s to the hardworking team that he knew were just as, if not more shaken up, as he was. Though his niceties ended when his chief medical officer, Gloria, pressed him yet again about his haphazard efforts in saving lives. Robby and Gloria bumped heads a lot on this issue, but he found it completely inappropriate for her to be upset about anything after what they had all just gone through. He yelled at her out of pure frustration, causing looks from staff and patients alike. Though he didn’t regret it one bit. His “partner in crime”, Dr. Abbot, swiftly swooped in to break up the interaction before Robby could make the damage to his tenure any worse. 

“Robby, get some air, brother. Check on Triage.” The grey-haired man barked out. It reminded Robby of Whitaker’s instruction in pedes. It made his body go hot. Now he did actually need to get some air.

_____________________

Whitaker couldn’t believe how quickly the hospital shifted from just treating the shooting victims to being back up and running for everyone. It reminded him of his first trauma patient this morning, which had left him feeling the same dizziness he was succumbing to now as he felt the elevator swiftly travel down each floor of the hospital. He was a little disoriented as he made his way off, trying to stay on his feet as he could feel the exhaustion set in.  

“Whitaker, got a sec?” Robby didn’t wait for a response before putting his hands on the boy's shoulders and squeezing them like a stress ball. Whitaker perked up almost instantly at the contact. The warm, firm hands felt nice on his tensed back. 

“Uh, yeah, sure.” He responded, but it wasn’t like he had been given a choice. Robby was practically dragging him into a separate hallway before he had the chance to properly respond.

“Look, uh, thanks for the help earlier.” His attending’s arms were awkwardly at his sides now, and Dennis missed his warm hands. There was a slight unease in Robby’s tone, and Dennis could feel his face flush. He still didn’t know why he had chosen to be so direct with the older man, but given that it worked, he assumed it was the right thing to do. 

“Hey, no problem. Just returning the favor.” Whitaker replied, gesturing to his nose, which was beginning to really hurt again. The older man instinctively reached out to grab Dennis’s face and reevaluate his injuries. His arms stopped awkwardly in the air, and instead, he put his hands behind his head. 

“How are you doing?” Dennis took a second to answer, as Robby could be referring to any amount of shit the med student had endured that day. 

“I’m tired. Rethinking my decisions to become a doctor.” Robby could only laugh at the admission and offer a slightly sympathetic look. “How are you doing?” Dennis asked pointedly.

Robby rubbed his neck like he was hoping a genie would pop out and grant him a wish to leave this conversation. “This job will fuck you up if you let it. I hope that you don’t let it.” 

Dennis felt for the cross necklace that sat under his scrubs. It had belonged to his grandmother, and he wore it every day as a reminder of everything she had ever taught him. “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear.” Dennis recited the scripture he had heard so often from his grandmother's mouth. He didn’t even notice Robby’s slight look of shock until he met his eyes.

“It’s uh- Psalm 46… My family is religious, and I was an undergrad theology major.” Dennis stumbled through the words, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. “ I think it helps keep me grounded, as silly as it sounds.”

“You know, I don’t even know if I believe in God. Especially after days like today,” Robby stated. Whitaker wanted to eat his former words and make it clear that he didn’t exactly know where he stood either. He settled for a regurgitation of the older man’s words from this morning.

“A wise man once told me you learn to live with it and find balance when you can,” Dennis recited the words and watched as Robby’s face lit up in recognition. “He uh- also told me to get to know a guy before throwing myself at him.” 

Robby bent down to Dennis’s ear. “Well, you know me now, Whitaker.” Dennis shuddered at the sudden contact, and something bloomed in his stomach. Something like hope that the older man wasn’t sick of him yet. People in his life tend to do that pretty quickly. 

“I’m a quick learner, what can I say?” The younger boy laughed softly. He could feel his attending eyes on his lips. He felt the warmth of Robby’s hand on his hip, slipping something into his scrub pants pocket. Dennis glanced at the man, hoping for an explanation, but Robby pulled away and cleared his throat. 

“I’ve noticed. Keep up the good work, Dennis.” His attending was sincere in his words, but there was an edge of unease in his voice.

Before Dennis could begin to muster up a reply, Robby was swept off into a coding trauma, leaving Dennis alone in the somewhat vacant hallway. He took advantage of the privacy and slipped his hand into his pocket to retrieve what the older man had put into it. He found a folded slip of paper with nothing more than a phone number and “If you ever need me, call” written on it in sloppy handwriting. He smirked to himself, finding a weird sense of pleasure in the gesture. This day had tested him in almost every way, yet something about the ED kept him going. Something tall with a greying beard. 

_____________________

Robby had never been so thankful to be out of the confines of the hospital. The ache from his feet and back was almost enough to make him completely keel over, so he was grateful he didn’t have to walk far to the park bench. The past 15 hours had felt like the longest shift of his life, which is funny considering he had most definitely worked close to 36-hour shifts frequently as a med student. 

As other staff from the day shift sat along the benches of the park just outside the hospital, Robby was glad not to be alone. He never really enjoyed being alone, even on a normal night, but tonight was far from that. Even as exhausting as it was to socialize, he knew he needed a team around him right now. He gratefully took the beer offered to him by one of the day shift RN’s, Donnie, and took a greedy swig. He made small talk with Donnie and Princess, but watched his fellow attending, Abbot, with a careful curiosity as he began to take off his prosthetic and massage his leg. Abbot was a reminder to him that, as bad off as Robby thought he had it, it could always be worse. It was a sick way to look at it, measuring other people's pain and trauma, but he couldn’t help but mentally kick himself for being so fucked up when he had never gone through something that warranted being as fucked up as he found himself to be. Jack would passionately disagree and remind Robby of the fact that the job they do would be enough to send any sane person to therapy for years. He would then suggest that Robby start therapy, to which Robby would just silently shake his head. He had run out of excuses to put off getting help a long time ago. 

Robby’s attention was drawn back into the conversation as Donnie began a toast. “To the Pitt crew!” He lazily raised his beer in acknowledgement.

“To all the people we saved.” Princess chimed in.

“And the ones we couldn’t,” Jack followed. It stung a little, the reminder that while Robby was here, there were corpses likely still sitting in the pediatric room. People whom he failed to save. 

Before he could envelop himself in more self-pitting thoughts, three figures approached the make-shift hangout spot. Dr. Mohan, Mateo, and Javadi joined the group, and conversation buzzed around Robby. He only chimed in when Javadi refused the beer that was offered to her, claiming she wasn’t old enough to drink it. Robby couldn’t contain his laughter at the reminder that the poor girl was not even 21 years old, and yet she had just handled one of the worst mass casualties that Pittsburgh had ever seen. Everyone looked at him like he had finally lost his mind.

“I just remembered this was your first shift!” He managed to blurt out after finally catching his breath. The others now turned their focus to the young med student with sympathetic looks. “I can almost guarantee the next shift will be easier.” 

“I fucking hope so,” Javadi answered with a bit of an edge to her tone. Robby was honestly impressed by her demeanor, even more so by the fact that she was still standing on her own two feet. “At least I didn’t get kicked in the face by a psycho.” 

 The image of Whitaker’s bloody face in his hands flashed in his memory, and Robby went very still. It’s like he had completely forgotten that the whole rest of the ED knew the young boy. He was so lost in whatever bubble the two were constantly in, he almost choked realizing Whitaker was not only his to talk to and jostle around. 

“Awwww, poor Whitaker!” Princess exclaimed. “Where is he?”

“Probably quit,” Donnie answered. Robby felt the urge to defend the man, even in his absence. After all, he knew the man better than everyone else there.

“Nah, that kid’s tough. He’ll be back.” He tried to make his statement casual, like he knew only what the others did of Whitaker. It was filled only with hope that the boy would, in fact, show up again the next day. He hadn’t really considered the fact that Whitaker might not come back, and even though he was confident that he would, the thought consumed him now. Something in the pit of his stomach made it clear that he wanted more of Whitaker.

_____________________

“Wanna split this cookie with me?” Trinity asked as she made her way over to the balcony of their shared apartment. Dennis had already made himself as comfortable as the firm outdoor chairs would allow, practically in a catatonic state, reliving the events of the past 15 hours. Their balcony was kind of like his refuge after a hard day, and both of them had come to spend a lot of time together out here. It reminded him a lot of sitting under his favorite oak tree on his parents’ farm in Nebraska, even though the scenery was nothing compared to his childhood home. He just enjoyed the fresh air; being surrounded by nature had always been very calming for him. 

“Dreaming of the milking machine again, are we?” Trinity waved her hand in front of his face.

“Huh- What?” Dennis flinched at the sudden disturbance of his thoughts.

“I asked if you wanted to split this cookie,” Trinity repeated. She was too tired to even follow through on her joke. Dennis already knew it was one of her weed cookies that she saved for particularly hard days or long weekends. He usually wouldn’t indulge when he knew he had work in the morning, but his self-restraint was slowly becoming nonexistent with the speed of the last two days. 

“Yeah, why not. It’s not, like, super strong, is it?” Dennis cautioned. He wasn’t a complete lightweight in either the drinking or smoking department. Growing up where he did, that was practically all there was to do in high school, but he didn’t let himself do it too often after he moved away.  

“You can handle it, farm boy,” Trinity deadpanned. She split the cookie, giving herself the bigger portion for Dennis's benefit, and handed it over. The mousy boy nibbled the cookie, crumbs coating his zip-up hoodie. Much like the drinks the night before, he could feel the effects almost immediately. His rapidly moving thoughts became sluggish, and he could feel the tightness in his chest relax just slightly. 

“That was a really bad day, right? Like, it wasn’t normal?” Dennis muttered. Trinity was occupied with finishing off her cookie, but began to nod slowly. 

“Yeah, Den, it was,” Trinity wiped the crumbs off her lap and subtly eyed Dennis so he might do the same. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m confused mostly. Conflicted might be a better word.” Dennis felt like he couldn’t piece together actual thoughts about his feelings, as his memories were clouded over now. Death weighed heavily on his shoulders, nonetheless causing even more unnamed emotions to bubble up. 

“Well, it’s not every day you kiss your boss,” Trinity laughed airily at the ridiculousness of the statement. “It’s also not every day that you get a senior resident fired, so I guess we both had wild days.”

“Woah, what?” Dennis was caught off guard by his best friend's statement. Trinity just let out another airy half-laugh and shook her head. Clearly, the cookie was starting to hit her, too. Dennis shot her a concerned look and hoped she’d elaborate further without being asked.

“Langdon, he was stealing benzos from the ED, and I told Dr. Robby.” There was a harshness in Trinity’s tone, her brave face faltering. She didn’t explain further, and Dennis didn’t want to push her to. She didn’t open up very much, so he usually stayed quiet when she did. 

“You did a good thing, Trin. He needed help more than anything. I know that’s why you did it,” Dennis replied. He wasn’t sure that it helped her any, but he hoped it did. 

After a moment of silence, Dennis looked over to see Trinity’s eyes closed, slowly rocking herself. She began to hum an unfamiliar melody in a beautifully gentle voice. The boy shut his eyes too and found himself being lulled to sleep by his best friend. He was eternally grateful he had her, and somewhere deep down, he knew she felt the same. 

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Notes: Miss Me? I AM SOOOO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. I have been in a big slump as of late and couldn't write anything. Anyways I hope you enjoy nonetheless. I plan on posting this to AO3 soon but I think i'm still going to post them here for thoes who cant access AO3.

Cover me - Chapter 2

All This Touching

Summary: Dennis notices a familiar face from the night before on his first day of his ER rotation.

WC: 3,136

TW: Mentions of blood

———

“We’ve got newbies starting today,” Dana said plainly to Robby, who was already drowning in his charts even though his shift had just started. Robby knew he shouldn’t have come into work today, especially after his extracurricular activities last night. He usually never works on the anniversary of his mentor, Dr. Adamson, but he couldn’t seem to help it this year. Something was calling him to be here, or maybe it was him punishing himself. Whatever it was, he would never admit it to himself or anyone else.

“Grrreat!” Robby drew out the word with a sarcastic smile plastered onto his face.

“Just go easy on em’ okay? I know you won’t be on your best behavior today, but try?” Dana remarked with a gentle smile but a deadly look in her eye.

“Don’t know where you’d get that idea.” Robby set his face to look professional and friendly, putting his guard up. He was good at masking his emotions, or so he thought. Dana just rolled her eyes, not willing to fight with the man about his poor emotional state.

“Heard you went out last night.” Dana jabbed, sounding a little concerned. Robby is guarded as all get out, but he had his tells. Dana had been working with him long enough to pick up on them. 

“And who told you that?” Robby replied defensively, but not one bit ashamed. He remembered the night before almost perfectly despite the drinks he had. Although he had to admit, he wasn’t nearly as drunk as he needed to be to erase the memory of what he did with the dirty blonde college student he met last night. At least he assumed the boy was a college student, given how small and innocent he looked. His eyes were also a tell as the dark circles under them practically spelled out tired and overworked (a look Robby was all too familiar with himself). He could practically still taste the fruity drinks the boy had, almost definitely, gotten way too wasted drinking. 

“A little birdy, that’s all. Did you find what you were looking for?” Dana asked in her know-it-all tone. The couple of times a year Robby went out, it was always to take someone home. He had a habit of using people to drown out his own emotions and escape the few hours he actually had to himself. Robby looked away and focused back on the chart he was working on. After a knowing silence between the two, Robby instructed Dana to make sure the newcomers received a tour of the department and to bring them up to the central desk when they were done. He knew full well that Dana already had that under control; he just wanted to end the prodding he was being subjected to.

“This is our main desk, or, as I like to call it, The Hub. Above you is our board, where you can find information about who’s taking care of what patient and what patients you have been assigned to,” Dana stated to the newest faces of The Pitt. Dennis was only partly paying attention as the slight pulse of his head demanded the majority of it. He was feeling the repercussions of going out last night, but was trying his best to act like it wasn’t affecting him. It was his first day after all, and he had to make a good first impression. The group of newbies had met just about every attending and resident doctor and even some of the night shift who were heading out, but Dana brought them to the main desk to meet their chief attending. 

“ROBBY!” Dana screamed out, making Dennis flinch just slightly. Shortly after, a tall man with a dark beard, a few greys, and very beady eyes came out from one of the exam rooms. Maybe Dennis was worse off than he thought because he swore that his chief attending looked a lot like the man he was all over last night. Dennis flushed just slightly and shook his head in an attempt to shake off his thoughts.

“Hello everybody! I hope you all are in for a very long day, as the waiting room is nearly full, and it’s only 7 am.” Robby remarked. “I am Dr. Michael Robinovich, but everyone here calls me Dr. Robby, as you so gracefully heard Dana shout. I am the chief attending here at The Pitt.” 

Dennis went very still and could feel his whole body get hot. He knew that deep voice all too well. The voice that nearly coaxed him into following him home last night. There was no mistaking that this was Dennis’s mystery man. Trinity shoved his ribs, eliciting a wince and a shocked look from Dennis. 

“Dude, introduce yourself,” Trinity mumbled under her breath.

“Oh uh… Dennis Whitaker, MS4.” Dennis tried to laugh innocently as he had just been caught in full panic mode. He nervously rubbed circles on his wrist. He scanned the group, almost forgetting why he was panicking in the first place, until his eyes met Robby’s. There was something in the older man’s eyes that he couldn’t quite read. The pair held eye contact for an uncomfortably long time while Dr. Melissa King, or Mel as she would prefer to be called, rambled on about her experience to the small group that had gathered at the desk. Dennis felt like the surrounding air was getting thicker and decided he couldn’t stand there any longer. He barely moved his foot an inch in the direction of the staff bathroom before the ambulance entrance doors burst open. 

“25-year-old female, GSW to the shoulder, Conscious and responds to pain, Heart rate 150, bp 128 over 60,” the paramedics rambled off to Dr. Robby as the group swiftly took over the incoming trauma. Dennis quickly considered still booking it to the bathroom until he felt a warm, firm hand on his shoulder that guided him into the trauma room. 

“Time to shine, pretty boy.” Robby quietly muttered into the younger man’s ear, repeating the nickname he was called last night. Dennis felt as hot as he did on the dance floor the night before. He was shocked at his chief's demeanor, quite unprofessional of him, but Dennis imagined nothing about their make-out was professional. It certainly wasn’t professional to be as turned on as he was currently.

—

The team stabilized and dumped the trauma in the OR so quickly that Dennis felt like his head was spinning just slightly. It was unlike anything he had seen in his previous rotations. He was amazed at how practiced and methodical everything felt, despite everything being on the fly. He was particularly enamored by Dr. Robby’s leadership and guidance during the process, letting the med students take the lead while knowing exactly where to step in. He was disposing of his gloves and surgical gown as he felt a familiar firm hand grip his nape. 

“Good job in there. You were very impressive for your first case. Though you might want to look out for splashing liquids next time. You can change your scrubs just over there.” Dr. Robby stated very professionally, unlike the quip he muttered into Dennis’s ear before the whole scene took place. Realizing his attending words, he blushed slightly, remembering how completely soaked his scrub shirt was from a popped saline bag. During the frenzy, one of the nurses punctured the bag while hanging it up, and it sprayed all over his face and shirt, leaving his curls wet and scrubs clinging to his body. 

“Oh uh… Thank you!” was all Dennis could get out before the doctor swiftly walked out of the trauma room. He managed to find some privacy in an unoccupied room so he could change his scrubs and finally get a chance to breathe. Dennis was a very strong individual who usually never lets people get to him, or at least let it show, but Dr. Robby had him completely turned around. Even though the doctor complimented him, it felt completely undeserved as he fumbled and stuttered the entire time he was in Robby’s presence. He worried that his competency as a doctor was compromised permanently. 

“Hey Dennis, Dr. Robby told me you had to change your scrubs, are you…” Trinity trailed off as she opened the curtain to a very panicked-looking Dennis Whitaker. Dennis pulled Trinity into the empty room and pulled the curtain shut as quickly as possible. He knew that it wasn’t the most private space, but he had to tell Trinity. She was the only person who could ever calm him down.

“Trin… I… Uh… Did you notice anything about Dr. Robby?” Dennis whispered nervously.

“He seems to be pretty touchy with you, which is odd considering he’s known you for what? All of 30 minutes?” Trinity replied.

“Oh uh… no, I mean did he look familiar to you?” Dennis realized he might as well come out and say it. “That’s the guy I was… Uh… You know “with” last night.” Trinity’s face lit up in shock, and then a devilish smile crept across her face. 

“Wow, Huckleberry, I know you wanted to make a good impression. Didn’t realize you would go this far.” Trinity snickered, completely amused and not matching Dennis’s panic. Dennis looked like he actually might cry, so Trinity stopped laughing and did her best to reassure her best friend that the world wasn’t ending. “Look, is it kinda bad that you and your attending have swapped spit, maybe, but you both had no clue. No harm, no foul. It’s not like you would do it again if you knew, right?” Dennis hesitated to respond, thinking just how good the older man had felt against his body. 

“Right, right. I wouldn’t.” Dennis nodded. 

—

Robby watched his watch slowly tick to the 4-hour marker. It went as slowly as this day had felt for him. He had been pulled from trauma to trauma and was constantly being asked for patient consults. This was the typical job of a chief attending, but today it felt particularly grueling. He felt distracted, which he swore had nothing to do with the dirty blonde bouncing around his ER. It wasn’t new for one of Robby’s flings to be shuffling their way around the hospital, after all, he was known to sleep around with his colleagues. He was never phased by it, and neither were his partners, maybe because they were almost always around his age. “Dennis Whitaker, MS4”, here was different and nearly 30 years younger than him. He knew how wrong it was, but sickly, it almost made him want it more. 

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t even notice the older blonde hurling insults at him until the cold metal of her wheelchair hit his calf.  “I’ve got something you can stare at, fruitcake,” Myrna stated while pushing out her chest. Robby huffed and turned around to look at the woman who found her way into his ER way too often just to harass his staff. 

“Oh Myrna, you know just what to say to…” Robby started, but was interrupted by a commotion in one of their psych rooms. He could only slightly see the staff attempting to wrangle “The Kraken,” as Dana called him, to give him his anti-psychotic. Robby only began to head that way when he noticed Whitaker clutching his face as blood dripped down his chin and onto, what Robby assumed, was his 4th or 5th pair of scrubs. He had seen the boy earlier in nothing but a gown and his boxers. Robby had to admit, it wasn’t a bad sight. 

By the time he reached the psych room, The Kraken had already been knocked out by the medication and was being put into restraints. Dana tended to Dennis' nose while he pleaded that he was ok. 

“I must’ve missed all the action,” Robby announced. Dennis had to look up to meet his eyes from the sheer height difference between the two. He could tell the boy was panicked, and the sight of Robby did nothing to ease it. Robby saw the same look in his eye this morning.

“Doctor Robby, I- I’m fine, really. Just need a tissue, that's all.” Dennis sounded slightly muffled as he was still covering his nose with his hand. 

“What you need is a physical exam and potentially a CT scan if The Kraken here beat you up as good as it looks like he did. Come with me, Whitaker, I’ll do your exam.” Robby took the boy's shoulders and guided him to an exam room while listing off some supplies to Dana. He could feel how tense Dennis was and almost instinctively began to massage his shoulders. There was something about Dennis, maybe his eyes, that made Robby melt a little. He realized how ridiculous it sounded after only knowing the boy for 10+ hours, but he couldn’t help that his heart fluttered a little every time they met each other's gaze. 

Arriving at the exam room, Robby guided Dennis to sit on the bed in front of him while gently peeling Dennis’s hands away from his face to take a look at the injury. He only then noticed how quiet Dennis had been on the brief walk over to the private room.

“Relax, Whitaker. You’re making it hard for me to examine you.” Robby noticed a slight slump in the boy’s shoulders as he followed his directions. He could see it written in his posture just how stressful this day had been for him. 

“Sorry. This kinda hurts.” Dennis admitted meekly. Robby could tell the kid was in a lot more pain than he was letting on as he continued his exam on the, no doubt, broken nose. Being as close as he was, he could see the slight appearance of tears in Dennis’s eyes. Robby found it hard to focus back on the man’s nose as the pair practically stared into each other's souls, his heart fluttering like clockwork. Dennis’s breath shuddered and tickled Robby’s face, acting almost as an invitation to get closer. Robby moved away, but took the young man’s face into his hand as he guided him to look up. His hand now rested on Dennis’s rapid pulse, his thumb practically in Dennis’s mouth. There was still blood all over Dennis’s face and mouth. Usually, the sight of blood didn’t elicit any type of reaction from Robby; this time was different. The med student looked like he had completely surrendered under Robby’s touch. He was so fucked. 

—

Dennis was so fucked. 

“You won’t need a CT, just an ice pack and some pain meds.” Robby’s gentle voice took him by surprise. The man had been so careful while checking out his injuries, Dennis felt feverish and cold at the same time. He was relieved his nose wasn’t worse off because the pain he was in could’ve convinced him it was ripped off his face entirely. He couldn’t stay upright for much longer, so he laid himself down onto the bed and let out a shaky sigh. He could feel Robby’s eyes on him and decided he needed to say something about the night before. If he didn’t, he might not make it through this shift.

“Look, about last night.” Dennis’s voice was hoarse and barely audible. He opened his eyes to gauge his attending’s reaction. Robby’s face was almost stone, but there was a slight crack of concern. 

“You were quite bold,” Robby admitted plainly like it was completely casual to be having this conversation. Dennis blushed at the admission. “What were you doing out before your first shift anyway?” 

“Trin… Uh, Dr. Santos dragged me out. She convinced me it was to “get rid of my first day jitters” and I stupidly listened.” Dennis was a little shocked by how honest and open he was being with his boss. Though, nothing about the relationship between these two was at all normal. “I- I don’t normally do that,” he hoped the statement was clear enough for Robby to read between the lines. 

“Ha! I could’ve guessed as much just by the way you looked this morning. I thought you were going to run right out the door!” Robby laughed to himself, and Dennis thought he might just die from the embarrassment. “Well, as you’re attending, I have to advise you not to go out like that before your shift again. I’d also advise vetting a guy just a little before you throw yourself at him. Not that I minded.” He practically mumbled the last part, but Dennis heard it nonetheless. 

“I’ll uh, keep that in mind.” Dennis could hardly believe any of this was reality. What made it worse is that he enjoyed what was happening. 

“I’m going to leave you to get cleaned up. Dana should be back soon with supplies, new scrubs, and pain meds. Rest here for a bit until you feel clear to jump back in. I’ll cover your patients in the meantime.” Robby slipped back into his professional demeanor and left Dennis alone in the room. If he thought he couldn’t make it through his shift before, he certainly couldn’t make it through it now.

—

Dennis reluctantly stayed in the exam room for another 30 minutes or so. He couldn’t help but feel guilty the whole time for the sheer fact that Robby was covering all his cases. Trinity had come to check on him and to regale the tale of her and Dr. Garcia from surgery. He apparently wasn’t the only one who had a thing with one of their superiors. 

When he could finally keep his eyes open for more than 5 minutes, he emerged from the room to find Robby and tell him he was good to start working again. He searched practically the whole department and couldn’t find anyone but nurses hurriedly taking care of patients. He sauntered over to the central desk to find most of the staff huddled and murmuring with panicked looks on their faces. Dennis found Trinity quickly in the crowd and rushed over to her. 

“What’s happening? Did they call for a staff meeting? Why did no one come get me?” Dennis fired off the questions before Trinity would even answer one. 

“Slow down there, Huckleberry. Are you sure you're clear to work?” Trinity asked.

“Yeah. I’m fine. The pain’s pretty much subsided, and it’s only an hour or two before we’re off.” Dennis assured her.

“Well, actually, we might be stuck here for a while.” Trinity cautioned

“Huh? Why?” Dennis was beginning to make sense of the impromptu roundup.

“There’s an active shooter at PittFest.” 

———

Notes: Thanks again for the support on chapter 1. I hope you all enjoyed this one! This has been really fun to write so far and I can't wait to write some more. I would like to note that I am no where near a medical professional so my information might be a little rough, but I do my best to research and be as accurate as possible.

I'd also like to thank my bestie for reading this chapter 100 times over and for fixing all my mistakes. Special thanks to my shower where I get all my good ideas LOOOL.

Cover me - Chapter 2 *teaser*

just a little touch of what’s to come…

Cover me chapter 2 UPDATE

Weekly Newsletter (1.26-1.30) 💌

Where do I even begin this week? I really am at a loss for words or rather have an inability to describe how I’m feeling. I think the best way I can describe it is feeling very hollow and outside myself. It’s like I'm floating outside my own head but completely trapped in it at the same time. It almost feels like being two separate people and one of them is very, very mean. I think now is a good time to mention that my dog died this week. I have a difficult relationship with death much like everyone else. It’s something that from years 11-16 I yearned for, but selfishly hoped would never happen to anyone I loved. I’ve always seen death as peaceful, at least once you no longer can feel the chill of it, but can’t stomach the thought of it happening to anyone else besides me. I’ve been filled with the promise that “they’re in a better place now” which helps the grieving process not feel so heavy, but if they were really in a better place they’d still be here with me. I haven’t lost many people in my life and for that I am grateful, but the haunting of death permeates my mind. It’s the first thing that crosses my mind when I hear sirens blare out onto the street. It is the last thing I think about at night when I reassure myself that my last words to my mom were “I love you.”  

I feel unsure of how to react (to death that is), unsure of how I want other people to see me react. People expect you to cry, but look at you sideways regardless if you do or don’t. Though, crying feels so vulnerable I can’t stomach being seen doing it. It feels so embarrassing to be so open and vulnerable, baring your grief for everyone to absorb. There is a side of me that wants people to see me cry and try to piece me back together. I want to be babied, cared for. There’s a logical part of me that screams how pitiful it is to cry when things could have been so much worse and there are more people in the world feeling a lot more pain than I am. Unexpectedly though, this go around with death has only drawn out how lonely I really feel. It feels terrible to want in the face of something already so greedy as death. It’s almost as if it’s just jamming salt into the wound it has already carved out in me. I remember a time, back in high school, where my friends gathered around me as I cried. At that moment I could actually hang the weight of my problems without feeling weak for not being able to handle it. I haven’t felt that relief since. Memories are a fickle thing. 

🌹recently watched:

Song Sung Blue ⭐️⭐️⭐️: This was more climatic than I thought it was going to be and certainly held my attention. I totally agree with Kate Hudson being nominated for best actress for this film. Although Hugh Jackman during the bathroom scene when he fell was so fucking hilarious I almost pissed my pants. I was shocked by how well Kate Hudson sang also.  

The Girl Who Cried Pearls ⭐️⭐️ : It goes without saying that this is for Oscar noms because I never would have watched this on my own. It’s nominated for best animated (?) short film and I can see why, but I just thought it lacked a strong story and bored me. The art style was great if not a little creepy in a Coraline way.  

Two People Exchanging Saliva ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2  : Another Oscar nom short film. It was a very intriguing story, but I couldn’t help but think of those stupid tiktoks where they’re like “when you turn 18 and you find what powers you have” so I had a little trouble taking this seriously. I loved the erotic nature, but I thought the slap-as-currency thing added too much complexity to an already complex story. I found it hilarious when that one lady got thrown into a box and they went through her purse to find kissing porn LOOOL. “The porn in your fucking purse made my jaw. drop.” 

Da pitt ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: *ep 4 spoilers*: HUCKELROBBY STANS RIIIIISE UP! I promise I watch this show for more than this, but I can’t ignore what is literally unfurlling in front of my very eyes. I thought this episode was great and honestly was kinda shocked when it ended so anticlimatically. You might disagree, but they didn’t fully explain why there was a cause for concern with the leg infection and as someone who isn’t in the healthcare field I was like “ohh nooo” (immediately google MRSA). Anyways we're getting more sassy Robby which is always right up my alley (pieceofglass). I am troubled by the Whitsantos fighting but it's leading up to such a good storyline that I just have to sit back and watch. Last thing i’ll mention, the Amy and Whitaker debacle. It is in my personal opinion that Whitaker is canonically gay and therefore is truly just being super empathic and helping out Amy. I think it’ll lead to a good conversation with Robby about empathy and not getting too involved with patients.  

ER ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: *season 1 & 2 spoilers?*: As of right now I am on like season 2 ep 10 maybe. Obviously I am loving it still and I am loving watching all of the character development. I have been really thinking about the differences between ER and The Pitt and where improvements were made for The Pitt when they were in the process of writing it. I am also terrified for what is going to happen to my sweet baby, John Carter. I am sooo upset that he took that surgical sub I because he is not cut out for that although his confidence is very hot. 

🌷bumpin’ that:

I wasn’t even going to include this section because I have been all over the place this week. I think some highlights would be Funeral by Phoebe Bridgers, View Between Villages by Noah Khan, I Might Say Something Stupid Remix by CharliXCX ft. The 1975 & Jon Hopkins, and Big Star by Lorde. I really have been feeding my grief with songs because music really helps me let it out. 

🌼currently reading:

People We Meet on Vacation: I finally started reading this although I have not gotten very far. My first thought when starting this book was that Poppy writes just like I do LOOOL. I’m terrified with the conversation happening about not being happy once you’ve reached your dreams. It is such an unsatisfactory part of life that is actually so sick and twisted so I feel you Poppy. 

🪷grievances & gratitudes:

Grievances: Falling back into old habits

It’s hard to admit when you can see yourself doing something you thought you’ve grown out of or moved past and that’s what I’ve had to do a lot recently. It’s been hard to be in such a shitty headspace when I thought everything was fine for once. It can also be really hard to dig yourself out of those habits and sometimes I wish someone would lighten the load for me. 

Gratitudes: Distractions 

I have been escaping my life at every point possible these past few weeks and it has really been helping me. I am so thankful for film and television for being such a good way to get out of my own head. I seriously would have gone crazy by now If I wasn’t so locked in on The Pitt and everything else lmao. 

🌺brain food:

If you have a pet of any kind, go give them some love on my behalf. Cherish what you have while you have it and never let the moment pass you by, but also don’t feel guilty when the time comes when you have to let it go. 

💌 with love, 

Cover Me - a hucklerobby fanfic

The night before Dennis's first shift at the Pitt he gets real cozy with a soon to be familiar face.

Inspired by the wonderful fanart made by @koifee

———

Chapter 1 - Shapeshifter

“Let’s go out!”

“Wha- Do you think that’s a good idea?” Dennis looked at his best friend Trinity like she had just suggested jumping off the comfortable apartment balcony where they were watching the sunset behind the skyline of Pittsburgh.

“Aw, don’t fail me now, Huckleberry. Come on, I won't keep you out late. We’ll just get tipsy enough to get rid of the first day jitters.” Trinity remarked 

Dennis and Trinity started their first day at Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center the next morning, and both of them had been nervously pacing around their shared apartment the entire day. They hadn’t been roommates long, but had been close ever since Dennis’s first year at medical school. He was very aware of Trinity’s partying habits and did not particularly partake unless she physically dragged him out of his room. 

“You know I don’t really handle going out that well. I don’t want to be any more sick in the morning than I’m already feeling right now.” Dennis replied with a slight quiver in his voice. Trinity knew how uptight Dennis was feeling about his last rotation before graduating from med school. While she didn’t share that same fear, she felt sympathetic and eager to help him take

some of the weight off his shoulders. She hated how on edge he always was about being perfect and not making any mistakes that would land him back home in Nebraska. He nearly admitted himself to the hospital the day he found out he lost his financial aid for his campus housing, convinced he was going to die because of how badly he failed his parents. That night, after helping him move his very few things into her apartment, she convinced him to go out to her favorite bar to let loose. He got so drunk that he ended up on the lap of a man who looked about 30 years older than him and spent the following day curled up in the shower in the dark. 

“Look,” Trinity said with a defeated sigh. “I know you're nervous about this, but there's nothing to worry about, plus you owe me a night out. You are staying in my apartment rent-free after all. I promise I won’t let you get too drunk, and we’ll leave before it gets too late.” 

Dennis was weak to the slight pressure Trinity had just placed on him after the remark about living in her apartment, so he agreed with a frown and shook his head. “Please just don’t make me dance with anyone.”

----

Oakland was alive and buzzing with lively college students even on a Thursday evening as Trinity and Dennis marched their way to Trinity’s favorite spot, and notorious gay bar, “The Blue Light”. Regardless of how Dennis was feeling he could admit he always had a good time there. He felt safe to be himself when the rest of the time he stayed almost completely guarded and reserved. It was a considerable walk from their apartment, but a safe distance from campus, which Dennis liked because he was less likely to run into classmates that way. Dennis was very much still closeted, and the only person who knew was his roommate and best friend. While it wasn’t ideal the way she found out, having to peel him off another man at this very bar, he knew if he could tell one person, it would be her. As a queer person herself, she said she could “practically see it dripping off him,” but never forced him to say anything. Either way, he’s just happy he has someone who cares for him and truly knows him. After all, he wasn’t used to that. 

“Why so quiet, Huckleberry?” Trinity quipped. 

Being pulled from his thoughts, Dennis replied, “Oh uh, just thinking about tomorrow, you know, nerves and all.”

“Well, knock it off, your nerves are totally going to zap the fun right out of this place. It’s gonna be like Wii bowling, where everyone stares at you when you walk in.” Trinity deadpanned.

Dennis only half noticed she was trying to lighten his mood with her sarcastic quip. “Is it that noticeable? God, I feel more nervous than the day my Professor had us watch a live Thrombectomy!” 

“Wait woah, why the hell didn’t I get to do that? That sounds awesome! Ugh, anyway, not the point. Why are you so nervous about this anyway? You’ve done like a million rotations, and this is your last one. You should feel, I don’t know, a little relief maybe?” Trinity looked at him with curious eyes. 

“I just… I think it’s because there are a lot of really good doctors at PTMC, and I really want to do my residency there and all. I want to make a good impression.” Dennis was shocked at his own vulnerability but felt reassured by Trinity’s gentle hand on his shoulder.

“You’re gonna do great, Dennis.” She sounded very sincere; almost too sincere for Trinity Santos. “That country twang and southern hospitality will have them swooning for you in no time!” Trinity dramatically pretended to swoon while laughing at her own joke. 

“How many times have I told you I don’t have an accent and I’m from Nebraska, not the South!” Dennis playfully swatted at her, only relishing in her reassurance for a little bit before they reached the entrance of the bar. 

The bar was already pretty filled with people dancing to the high-energy techno mix the DJ was blasting through the speakers. The air was hot and stuffy as the pair made their way to the bar to order what Dennis would hope was their only drinks of the night. 

“Can we get two tequila shots with lime, please?” Trinity asked, practically flirting with the female bartender. 

“Jesus, starting off strong, I see,” Dennis muttered. To avoid being pulled to the dance floor, Dennis took a seat at one of the few open stools left. He just barely noticed the guy sitting next to him nursing a beer. He caught a glimpse of his side profile and took note of the man's tall frame and dark beard. The bartender returned with the two shots as well as the lime chasers and set them down in front of him. Dennis looked at Trinity with pleading eyes because he knew full well how many times he’s told her he hates doing shots. 

“Just one and then you can order whatever fruity little drink you want, Huckleberry. On me.” Trinity spat out after quickly downing her own shot. Dennis weakly took his shot with a sour look on his face, which Trinity found hilarious. “Good boy!” she teased as she ruffled his hair. Dennis could feel his ears go hot from both the remark from Trinity and the overwhelmingly strong tequila. It might’ve been a placebo effect, but he could already feel a slight buzz take over his senses. 

---

Only about an hour had passed, and Dennis had already consumed a green tea shot, which Trinity forced into his hand, claiming it was from the bartender she had been flirting with earlier, and a margarita that he ordered against his better judgment. He had somehow sauntered onto the dance floor all on his lonesome and now found himself awkwardly throwing his arms in the air at his best attempt to dance. Trinity made her usual quips about how bad a dancer he was, but Dennis was too buzzed to care. “I’m going to the bathroom!” Dennis shouted out to Trinity hoping it was loud enough for her to hear over the obnoxiously loud Killers song playing. 

“Ok! If you’re not back in 5 though I’m coming after you. We need to get your drunk ass back home.” Trinity screamed back. 

“I’m not drunk! Just letting loose, just like you asked me. Just following doctors' orders!” Dennis replied with a very (not) drunk smile on his face. Trinity laughed and then shooed him off, likely so she could continue her impromptu dry humping with her newfound dance partner. 

Dennis stumbled his way through the very lively crowd on his trek to the men's restroom. Just about to his destination, Dennis slipped ever so slightly on a mysterious liquid on the floor and went crashing into the wall. The wall was very warm and smelled like disinfectant and musk. He felt strong arms wrap around his waist, and confusion clouded his brain.

“Woah! Hey there, are you ok?” The deep voice was filled with genuine concern and surprise. 

Dennis looked up and saw the man he had sat next to at the bar earlier. Tall, Dark beard with a few grays that he could now see, and very, very hot. “Woah.” was the only thing he could manage to get out before he felt his already hot cheeks warm up even more. 

“Like what you see, kid?” The tall man squeezed his waist just slightly. It was then that Dennis realized he was still holding his waist. Dennis didn’t know what came over him, but he pulled the considerably older and taller man down to meet his lips. Still feeling confident, he completely bypassed the man's lips and nipped at his neck just under the ear. He felt the man groan into his hair; the height difference was becoming more apparent now, and it made Dennis feel a little dizzy.

“Come here,” the man grunted out. It was the only warning Dennis got before being pushed up against the wall and completely covered by the man who now had his own turn sucking at Dennis’s neck. Dennis had hardly even noticed just how loud he was whimpering until the man put his hand up to Dennis’s mouth and whispered a very soft “shhh” into his ear.

“You’re so loud for me, pretty boy. I like that, but maybe not here.” Dennis flushed at the man's words and almost instantly sobered up at the realization that this man wanted to take him home. He had been with a few guys here and there but had never really had a hookup before. The man’s presence was all-consuming and filled every one of Dennis’s senses to the point he seriously considered letting this man take him home. He responded only with a very passionate kiss, which was answered immediately with another loud groan from the man who was currently holding him. Dennis could taste the beer he had seen him nursing earlier. He never typically liked the drink, but now it might be his new favorite. He slipped his tongue into Dennis’s mouth, and he didn’t even fight it. This was the best kiss Dennis had ever had in his life. 

So lost in the moment, he didn’t even hear Trinity screaming his name until she was practically screaming in both his and the man's ear. “Have you seen my friend? He’s like tiny and has really sad eyes!” Trinity screamed. The two pulled away from each other to look at Trinity. “Oh my god! Huckleberry, I’ve been looking everywhere for you, and you’ve been eating this guy's face the whole time!” She screeched. Dennis blushed and attempted to clear his throat. “You’ve certainly got a type.” Trinity winked, looking the man up and down. “Now, seriously, let's go; it's getting late.” Trinity attempted to pull Dennis away, but was met with resistance as the man pulled Dennis’s ear to his lips.

“See you around, pretty boy.” He whispered into Dennis’s ear. He nearly finished right then and there. He could feel his bulge pulsing with need as a result of the hottest make out sesh he had ever had in his life. The man let him go and gave Trinity a polite wave as the two fled the bar. 

---

Back at their apartment, Trinity enquired incessantly about what the fuck happened between him and his “silver fox”, but Dennis was too overwhelmed to even begin to form a full sentence encapsulating the experience. Chalking it up to his level of inebriation, she dropped the issue and helped him into his room so he could begin sobering up. She left a glass of water and some medicine to help him in the morning, almost to make up for the fact that she dragged him out anyway. 

Dennis dragged himself into his shower, blood still rushing from his encounter with the man at the bar. He desperately needed to cool himself down and snap out of it. He’s never been this hung up on a guy before, and he wanted to know what kind of spell his mystery man had put him under. As the cold water hit his back, he felt almost no relief. The areas the man explored still felt hot. Dennis’s dick was nearly still hard and began to ache more painfully as he replayed the night's events in his head. He couldn’t help but give himself a few lazy strokes that elicited such a noise he worried Trinity might come check up on him. As he continued to stroke himself with increasing speed, he thought about the man's beady eyes, his sultry voice in his ear, and that devilish smirk that made Dennis’s knees feel weak. He finished to the memory of being completely covered while the two men indulged in each other. He had felt so safe and wanted in the man's arms, unlike any of the guys he had been with before.

--

Weekly Newsletter (1.19-1.24) 💌

Bros I have been in such a weird headspace this week. In short I guess I’m feeling quite pathetic. You see, I’ve been watching The Pitt and it's causing a bit of an identity crisis (if that’s even what you can call it). God, it sounds so dumb but let me explain. I think sometimes I feel so useless when I watch people (even fictional) saving lives and what not. My parents were both first responders to some degree and I always sorta wanted to do something brave like them. Unfortunately, it was just never really my dream and I guess I’ve always kinda beat myself up about it. I also feel a weird sense that if I worked a job like that maybe I would have a reason to feel as sad as I do sometimes. I live an easy life and I always have so I feel guilty when I start to feel so unsatisfied and worthless. When I was in middle school I used to dream about breaking a leg or just generally having an ailment that required attention from my peers. I remember just wanting people to care for me and the only way I saw that happening was some type of traumatic event. I felt so invisible and small back then, but I can’t help but feel that way now from time to time. I still have dreams like that sometimes. I think I’ve also crossed a threshold of loneliness that is starting to feel overwhelming. I watch and read so many love stories that I’ve almost grown numb to the longing, but it’s coming back around. It’s bringing out all my insecurities and making me think way too much. I’ve been reassuring myself for so long that I’m worth love like the ones in rom-coms that I’m starting to feel like an unreliable narrator. It’s all just such an awful feeling. It’s hitting me a lot harder because I felt like I was pretty content with my life and now I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s a good feeling that’ll push me to do greater things, or maybe it’s a fleeting feeling that will go away next week.

🥗this weeks eats:

A notable eat of the week was the lunch me and my bestie snuck into our showing of Dead Man’s Wire. It was a side kale crunch salad with a kids meal from chick-fil-a. It was literally so good and definitely my new go to from there. With a cherry coke it was just sooooo perfect.

🌹recently watched:

Dead Man’s Wire ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: Bill Skarsgard porn stache. This movie was unexpectedly really funny and I'm so shocked that it was based on a true story. I really couldn’t get over how tall and good Bill Skarsgard looked the whole movie. I was really losing my mind in the theater. Coleman Domingo as the, sexy as hell, radio dj also had me in tears (not the sad kind 🤤). I would’ve been obsessed with him too. I really liked the style of this movie too.

Da pitt ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: *spoilers* No Robby touching Dennis but that’s okay 🫩! I really loved hearing about some of Robby’s backstory and religion trauma even though people in twitter can’t fucking handle themselves. I LOOOOVED shot where Robby was wearing his glasses and I did scream when he showed up on my screen. I am enamored by the scene of Whitaker sitting at Robby’s station like woah. Also when Robby said “it’s starting to heat up!” I immediately thought of it as a nod to the possibility they may lose power or the ac at some point this season but maybe i’m just too freaked out and what to see everyone sweaty and hot 🥵.

ER ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: Just started this today (Saturday) and of course I love it. It really is helping with da pitt withdraws. John Carter my baby boy wow you’ve made a lot of mistakes. Also Dr. Greene I see you 😛. The episode where he has sex with his wife all day was CRAZY.

Elio ⭐️⭐️⭐️: Watched this for oscar noms and it wasn’t horrible. I hated that Elio was kind of a brat, but they would throw crazy bars out so casually about him feeling unwanted that I couldn’t really hate him. They’re use of Carl Sagan did get to me thanks to my Astronomy professor. I loved Glordon with my whole heart and he totally redeemed this movie for me.

🌷bumpin’ that:

A weird week calls for a weird mix of songs this week. I was bumpin’ Cover Me by Bruce Springsteen and Roadkill by Searows. CRAAAAZY mix and I can’t really explain it but yeah.

🪷grievances & gratitudes:

Grievances: My parents acting like they aren't fully functional adults

There comes a time every couple of weeks where my parents genuinely act they can’t do a fucking thing and It’s always a time where I really can’t help them or have to put off something I need to do to help them. I was literally sitting in the movie theater typing out a grocery list for them.

Gratitudes: Snow days

I yearn for the world to slow down and me to be able to rest without feeling guilty. I spent the entire day in bed cuddled with Kate, and watching ER without a single bit of guilt. It’s also so gorgeous outside and really makes me wish it would actually snow for Christmas because it is soooo Christmas outside. I’m really hoping that I don’t have to go to work on Monday so I can do this for three days straight.

🌺brain food:

Go out and play with the snow like a little kid!!!! Go pretend to smoke a cig because you can see your breath!!!! It WILL heal you!!!!

💌 with love,

Weekly Newsletter (1.12-1.18) 💌

Hi loves! What a week huh? I started this week desperately waiting for it to be over and dreading the start of classes, but I ended this week more grateful than ever to be taking the classes I am this semester. You see, I’m taking an Astronomy class which has nothing to do with my degree and is just filling general requirements but it has to be one of the best online classes I've taken so far. The lessons are actually engaging and I really feel like I'm taking in everything that I’m learning. I’ve always been entranced by the stars but felt discouraged because I could never recognize the constellations and it seemed too difficult to get a grip of. As it turns out, it’s not at all and I didn’t even need a star chart or app to go out into my backyard and see some impressively beautiful stars. I don’t live in an area that is great for star gazing but every night since starting my classes I've been able to go outside and locate Orion. The first time I saw it I genuinely started sobbing. Looking up and seeing constellations and knowing the names of the stars instead of just scattered dots in the sky was like looking at everything through new eyes. Stars always felt foreign and distant to me despite their beauty. I learned this week that the atoms that make up our body were (scientifically 🤓) once in a star. It might sound silly or even strange but how beautiful is that really. This might be the earth sign coming out but I feel the most connected and grounded out in nature among things that are not man made and are signs that our planet is alive. So now when I look out at the stars I know that a part of me is made from the night sky. 

Also this week (or weekend) I was home alone which unleashes a very scary monster that craves alcohol, cigs, and a hookup LOL. I think it's just the product of me being left alone with my thoughts but whenever I have to do a weekend alone I go through 20 emotions in an hour. I genuinely go from deciding I'll never be good enough and I need to never eat again to be pretty to thinking I’m the hottest thing alive that desperately needs a cigarette. It's mental illness babe and it makes me fear ever living alone, but I also kinda love it because I don't have to wear a bra or pants and nobody is there to judge me. 

🥗this weeks eats:

bagels for breakfast every day: breakfast is one of the hardest meals for me for many reasons but mainly because I don’t have much time in the morning (my fault 100%). I do really enjoy a good breakfast though and this week I bought these Dave’s Killer Bread bagels (cinnamon raisin) and they're basically like bagels but healthy so I felt better eating them every morning. They also have like 11 grams of protein so its not a bad breakfast and I'm gonna eat them for the foreseeable future. 

Tuna melts 😏: There is a significant list of foods that when I eat them they remind me of some sort of fanfic or book and I’m happy to add tuna melts to that list. I’ve had more tuna melts recently than I’ve had them in my entire life. To be fair they are really good and I can make a mean tuna melt LOOOOL (call me Ilya Rozanov). 

🌹recently watched:

Little Women (2019)  ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: I have put off watching this movie for entirely too long and for no good reason. I obviously loved it and it was the first time in a while that I was continuously sobbing throughout a movie (Hamnet is the last time so I do this a lot). I spent a good majority of the movie trying to figure out which sister I’m like because everyone has one and I genuinely couldn’t figure it out. I think it’s hard for me because the sisters are all separated mostly by their talents and I don’t really take after any of those. 

Freedom’s Path ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: I watched this movie for Gerran Howell aka Dr. Whitaker from The Pitt because I am obsessed with him and his gay sad eyes. I notoriously hate civil war movies or really any war movies but I gave this one a chance and It was an incredible movie. I hate that it’s on every streaming service imaginable but still unobtainable because I don’t have a specific extension. If Gerran Howell wasn’t the main character I would’ve 100% given up at this point. Just to get it out of the way, he looked SO GOOD in this movie. I want to have his babies PLEASE PLEASE. He was so attractive that even though his character was kinda a pussy his looks totally made up for it LMAO. Anyways, the movie itself was really beautiful and every actor in this did a really great job. The cinematography really blew me away and i’m hoping the director gets super huge so I can see more of his artistry. 

Da pitt ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: I can’t not talk about each episode on here like come on??? I have genuinely spent my entire weekend laser focused on The Pitt or something related to it. I feel like I'm in a state of psychosis. I am way too obsessed with Whitakers mullet situation and must I say there are LOTS of hucklerobby undertones in episode 2. Also Mel and Langdon crumbs that I was eating up. Zara larsoning that baby was so fucking funny but also seeing robby hold a baby made my ovaries scream out with need. 

🌷bumpin’ that:

So the Heated Rivalry related playlists are still and full swing. I made another because I was simply too obsessed with the song C’est toi by Satine which they used in the scene where Ilya first sees Shane and Rose together. The play list is called “being messy in the city” and I really love it (Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5g5Ee2m20kR9AOB4ZeRId4?si=RlVlbs2rQse1Z3xHytanEg). Also the Heated Rivalry full soundtrack is out and I am in love with it. Can’t get enough of Melt and It’s You but there are so many good ones. I love how much emotion screams out from the soundtrack. It's really beautifully done. 

I must also mention Wall of Sound which is the latest single from Charli XCX’s album "Wuthering Heights”. It's got some very sick production and when I first listened to it I related to it mostly through a lens of my career. The lyrics “Every time I try talkin’ myself backwards, away from  my desires, something inside stops me.” just hit me. I am so excited for this album and the movie I can’t wait dude. 

🌼currently reading:

finishing heated rivalry: Overall I'd give it either 3 or 4 stars mainly because it wasn’t the strongest, most profound writing but I’m also not asking or expecting that. I was taken aback by how the show is such a faithful adaptation to the book. Full-on scenes with complete dialogue made it from the book into the show. I would still recommend reading the book if you liked the show though mainly for more detailed scenes and a little extra fluff between the two. 

The Overs (Hucklerobby fic on A03): I’ve read lots of really good fanfiction but this is one of THE BEST. You can tell the creator puts so much thought and research into their writing. They are also amazing at writing very erotic scenes (chicken pot pie scene 🤤) that make me feel hot with how descriptive they are. I’m only on chapter 7 so far but I’ve been spending my whole weekend reading it. 

🪷grievances & gratitudes:

Grievances: Being bloated & baking cakes

I HATE being bloated. I start to hear evil voices whenever I’m bloated and it makes me spiral. It’s a different kind of pain when you know it's from overeating and not like a hormonal thing so I can’t blame anything other than myself. I also HATE baking cakes. I don’t know why I always make people cakes for their birthdays (I was baking my moms birthday cake this weekend) but I should stop. It is so stressful and I can really only handle baking in very small doses. I find it funny because my grandma was a home baker so she was an incredible baker. None of that was passed down to me. I have always enjoyed cooking more and this poor attempt at a birthday cake has solidified that. 

Gratitudes: A sleeping animal laying on you

I’ve mentioned before but I have a new dog (Kate Hudson) and she is such a sleepy girl. She is also very clingy so she's usually laying on me. There is just something so special when an animal decides you are safe and then falls asleep on you and I’ve never really had a dog that does this. My bestie's cat is the closest I have gotten and now I have it every day. 

🌺brain food:

Make me a fun fuck, marry, kill in the comments PLEASE.

💌 with love, 

Weekly Newsletter 💌 (1.05-1.10)

Hey folks! We’ve officially survived a full week of the new year! I’m not going to lie, I felt like a bit of a failure this week because I realized my winter break is coming to an end and I didn’t accomplish all that I wanted to. It might’ve been ambitious but I was hoping to get some organization done in my bathroom and closet and I basically spent my break on my phone ☹️. I’m also just a little sad that college classes start up in just a matter of days and I don’t get a break until the end of the semester. I’ve also recently caught myself being frustrated with the lack of acknowledgement my newsletters + my instagram close friends stories have been getting. It’s certainly nothing to stress over and I truly do both of these things for my own amusement but sometimes I can’t help but wish I had more of an audience. I’ve always been one to enjoy my own company and really like my personality so I find the things I say and post interesting but it also just feels like I'm talking to a wall sometimes.  

On a more positive note, this week I saw some very attractive guys and that always brightens my week. More specifically I saw a beautiful mustached man in a cowboy hat outside of my window at my job. I don’t usually get involved with guys I find cute and rather just observe, but this guy was so cute I actually had the balls to do something about it. I wasn’t brave enough to actually talk to him but I asked the guy he was talking to who he was. Unfortunately my resident sleuth, my best friend, couldn’t find anything on social media but maybe yours truly will get lucky and see him again. 

🥗this weeks eats:

I am one to give into internet food trends and I am glad I caved on the ice cream that looks like fruit. Oddly enough my grocery store started carrying them and I picked some up. I got the peach flavor and it was so good. Asian ice cream treats are sooooo good. I also had a very good breakfast sandwich this morning that my dad made me before work. He doesn’t usually do that for me so it was extra special.

🌹recently watched:

I’m Thinking of Ending Things ⭐️⭐️⭐️: I went into this movie thinking it was going to be a female Aftersun and was so fucking shocked at what it actually was. It was genuinely such a crazy movie that I 100% had to google the meaning of the whole movie immediately afterwards. I think I would be interested in reading the book sometime in the near future because of how different this adaptation was. I do have to say that Jesse Plemons performance of “Lonely Room” was so fucking good I’ve been thinking about it since. 

Challengers Rewatch⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: You’ve yet to learn this about me but I am NOT normal about the 2024 Luca Guadagnino movie Challengers. Everything about that film is laced with crack from the cast, editing, soundtrack, and cinematography to the directing. I am forever upset that it got so snubbed at awards season. It really changed me as a person.

People We Meet on Vacation ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: I love Emily Henry and the only thing I am upset about is that she's choosing books of hers I have yet to read to adapt into movies. This movie was so good and romcoms are so back. This is the first romcom in a while that I feel like I want to rewatch regularly. It was funny, emotional, sexy, and beautifully shot. It is such an Emily Henry book in a really good way.  I also found myself really shocked at how related I felt to the main character (Poppy). Obviously not having read the book I didn’t know anything about the story or characters. Poppy’s confession that she was scared that Alex was going to think she was too much if they spent more than a week a year together really had me in tears. As a girl with a very loud personality I’ve been told I’m too much by my family more times than necessary and I do really fear people getting sick of me and not sticking around. 

Monsters University ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: In my opinion this is the best Monsters Inc. movie but that seems to be an unpopular opinion. I just think it's more fun and I love how college is portrayed in the media. It’s actually crazy how homoerotic Sully and Mike’s friendship is. They are the OG heated rivalry BAHAHA.

🌷bumpin’ that:

With the weather being unseasonably warm and sunny it’s really beginning to feel like spring to me so I’ve been listening to solar power and essentially just the Heated Rivalry sound track. I finally made a playlist of a lot of the songs from the show but also ones that have a similar vibe  (its called “driving to the cottage” https://open.spotify.com/playlist/73BeBe2u0XeKkY6e8kKxoY?si=vlNkgrkeRPeWDKJ1YUifmA). 

🪷grievances & gratitudes:

Grievances: never feeling like i’m on my own schedule 

Sometimes I get into a rut where I feel stuck on a schedule that’s not really what I want to do. It’s the unfortunate part of being an adult and having a job but I don’t know how many days I wake up and immediately think “I just want to stay home today”. All I’m asking for is like one day a week I can veg out. Especially being a full time student I wish I could have all the time in the world to work on my assignments. 

Gratitudes: my humidifier 

Winter is a hard season for people with eczema (me) and my humidifier is the only thing keeping me from shedding my skin like a lizard. I usually only sleep with it on and I always wake up feeling like I bathed in a hydrating face mask. 

🌺brain food:

Fun fact: Birds are somewhat immune to spice. Basically birds digestive tracks don’t grind up pepper seeds and instead the seeds pass right through making it so the seeds can spread. Interestingly though, birds can only handle so much spice and when it comes to peppers with more than 50,000 scovilles they begin to taste the spice. (source: https://www.audubon.org/magazine/hot-take-seems-birds-can-taste-spice-after-all)

💌 with love, 

Weekly Newsletter 💌 (12.29-1.04)

New years edition ✨

*sorry this is so late*

Happy New Year loves! It is insane how fast the end of 2025 came but I am glad it’s over. If you haven’t yet please go read my personal essay “I might’ve been born again” that I posted a couple days ago. It’s about an experience I went through in 2025 and how transformative it was. It’s my first go around at writing something like this and actually posting it so it would mean a lot if you showed it some love. As for this week, things went pretty smoothly for once. I spent New Year's Eve with my family (big mistake). Every year I wish I could spend it out partying or something interesting but at least I got to drink some wine. Next year I will most certainly try my best to be doing something fun instead of sitting in the living room with my cranky parents (they’re too old to stay up late now). I spent my New Years day watching college football, eating tacos, and drinking pina coladas 😫. It was a foreign concept to spend new years day relaxing instead of vigorously working out like I have the past couple years. It’s such a relief already going to the gym and not panicking about starting. Because of the new year I had Thursday off and being back at work Friday just felt like a Monday but I was kinda excited because this whole week I have been eagerly awaiting my plans of finally doing a home visit with this shelter dog that I am looking into adopting. I felt like a little kid all week because I could not stop talking about it. I think every almost 20 year old single girl goes through the experience of adopting a shelter dog and becoming obsessed with them to the point where others find it annoying but like that’s my baby that I actually birthed 🤷‍♀️ . Anyways, this particular dog has never been in an actual home before so it’s been quite a bit of work to make her comfortable but she is adjusting really well. She’s not bonding as well with my lab which is surprising and really disappointing. I’m hoping that turns around soon. I feel like me and this dog are so kismet which is helping me not be so anxious about this whole process. The shelter director even told me she doesn’t usually let anyone under 21 adopt a dog but because it’s Kate and she's had a really difficult past they want to give her a chance at a future. 

🥗this weeks eats:

Like I mentioned, I had these delicious tacos from a local(?) restaurant and they were exactly what I needed in the new year. There are many foods that actually do not have calories and street tacos is one of them. They’re also a perfectly balanced meal (protein, veg, carbs). 

🌹recently watched:

Revisiting Marty Supreme: I’ve been able to collect my thoughts and have seen countless reviews and people explaining the significance of certain scenes/props, so I feel more equipped to voice my opinion on Marty Supreme. Starting off, I did really enjoy this movie. Above everything I am about to say I had fun watching this movie and it was really immersive. The soundtrack was also amazing. A movie that can make me react in a big way will always be highly rated in my book. I also want to preface by mentioning most of my concern for the movie comes from a place of knowing that there are many people who will watch this movie that have ZERO media literacy skills and will not look into further analysis of this film. That being said, I was disappointed that this wasn’t the underdog story I thought it was and was marketed as. I understand the concept of sacrificing everything for your dreams, but I think many people are missing the fact that Marty Mauser is a terrible person that abandoned everyone in the pursuit of greatness, but expected them to have his back when he came home a loser. The whole “dream big” narrative in the marketing of this movie kinda falls flat once you’ve seen it and that’s where I have been left disappointed. I’ve experienced this with a couple of other movies recently where the marketing and the actor’s interviews don’t match with how the movie plays out at all and I’m left wondering if we watched the same thing. I know actors are really having to fight to get people into the theaters, but I feel as though more effort could’ve been put into amplifying the moral messages instead. Although, I don’t think a director should have to spoon feed an audience all the answers. We are just living through a media literacy crisis and I hate it. The last thing I’ll mention is the potential impact a movie like this could have on the male audience. It sounds dumb but movies have a huge cultural impact; like Joker or The Wolf of Wall Street. Positive role models in movies (especially for men) help shape generations and with the state of men today they are in deep need of that. Superman summer was the first instance I felt a sense of relief that a message of emotional maturity and positive masculinity was being spread to such a wide audience. Movies that feature a male character such as Marty Mauser can rub off on the wrong people if you catch my drift. 

The Pitt: I wasn't going to add any more top this section because it is insanely long already but on Sunday I got sucked into rewatching nearly the whole season of The Pitt. It is so addicting the minute I start watching it it is like a baby watching cocomelon. It is an amazing show if you haven't watched it already. It portrays the positives and negatives for working not only in healthcare but in emergency medicine specifically. Even on a rewatch I was audibly gasping and on the edge of my seat. I am so excited for season two but hate that its coming out weekly because I know theres gonna be some crazy cliffhangers.

🌷bumpin’ that:

Big music week for me! Songs were really hitting me this week which is like crack essentially. I was listening to a lot of Lorde as always. I was also repeatedly listening to Lucky by Brittany Spears because 1. It's a great song and 2. I was listening to the song when I was told that my shelter dog (Kate) was still available for adoption so now she really reminds me of the song. I was also obsessed with claws by CharliXCX because (I think because of Overcompensating) the song just reminds me of like new beginnings. I rang in the new year with Midnight Sun by Zara Larson followed by claws, supercut, and greenlight. I have also had Kansas Anymore by ROLEMODLE on repeat for the past 24 hours and I just looooove it.

🌼currently reading:

Heated Rivalry: I am going through HR withdraws BAD. I started reading the book and I have to say it reads exactly like the show plays out with a few more details here and there which is so incredible honestly. The show truly is one of the most faithful page to screen adaptations we’ve seen in a loooooong time. I am constantly trying to forget that in the book Ilya has a giant bear tattoo on his boob but I am loving the added inner monologue.  

🪷grievances & gratitudes:

Grievances: “New year, new me”

I certainly love the attitude but I hate how the new year profits on people’s insecurities. I am all for change and making yourself better but just because it didn't happen on January 1st doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth something. I started going to the gym one random week in June and have been going ever since. Plus the winter is for rest not for all this bro 🫩. 

Gratitudes: Leaving 2025 behind & the positive attitude surrounding a new year

I feel as though every year we repeat the “20whatever is gonna be our year” and either it comes true or it doesn’t but I love the positivity centered around a new year. I have seen plenty of explanations of the Chinese zodiac for 2026 being the Fire Horse which lowkey made me feel very hopeful for the year to come. I just appreciate the collective positivity after the year 2025 was, I think we need that.

🌺brain food:

💌 With Rebirth & Renewal, 

On June 27th I woke up at around 4 o’clock in the morning. This is unusual for me as I don’t typically invite interruptions in my sleep but this intrusion was oddly welcomed. As a kid I basked in the midnight hours to enjoy time that was truly mine and every so often when I awake at these odd hours I honor my inner child and spend this time so fatefully given to me. So, I picked up my phone and opened instagram (a bad habit I have yet to break) and there it was. In the shortest and simplest explanation, I had been trying (for entirely too long) to find a time to hang out with this old friend from high school and I had finally gotten the confirmation I needed to lay the issue to rest. I had spent the majority of the year up until this point mulling over these forgotten friendships and my own overwhelming loneliness. It was eating away at me like a hormonal parasite; greedy and hurting. It was in the process I began to disrespect myself but cover it up as “just trying to reach out”. I “happy birthdayed” back into conversation with this one particular friend where I became disgustingly overjoyed at the empty promise he gave me. This “promise” of a meet up sometime soon turned into a month of waiting until eventually my birthday came around and he returned the favor “promising” once again that we would find a time after finals ended to hang out. So I waited and let my loneliness overcome me until I became bitter. Though with all the times I was disappointed by others this did not last long and I soon came to my senses, realizing that I let myself get carried away with his promise. So on this fateful morning, I opened my Instagram and saw all my doubts laid out in front of me. Proof that I was being fed lies and being strung on. He simply did not want to hang out with me. A bruise to the ego and a liability listen later, I hit play on Virgin by Lorde. The lyrics, “I might’ve been born again” hit me like shackles being released after months of being tied down by this weight of not being wanted or sought after. A weight that had been suffocating was lifted by the realization that now was my time to start anew. As heartbroken as I felt, I was equally relieved that these ghosts of forgotten friendships could no longer haunt me. I had gotten my closure and the only thing now was to move on. So I continued to listen to Virgin, an album that within mere minutes had changed my life forever, and every song matched how I felt; raw, emotional, clueless, and alive. It’s not new for a Lorde song or album to feel as if it took pages out of my life, but this one seemed to write it out for me. It was the first time in my life I actively felt a shift taking place. It was the most electrifyingly bittersweet experience. 

I carried this day with me for the rest of the year. I made a vow to not let issues of the past harm my present self and in doing so I was able to really evolve and grow. I spent so much time during the first months of the year trying to force myself into making changes and becoming a new person which failed miserably because I wasn’t truly moving forward. I think one of the most important lessons I learned this year is that you cannot neatly schedule change. You must allow it to visit whenever it pleases and trust that you will be ready when it comes. You must also let go of things that are keeping you held in the past like shitty friendships. I also learned this year that one of the best things you can do for yourself is be authentically and loudly yourself. I think this is yet another reason why Virgin was such a transformative album for me. It reflects the most raw and gritty parts of being human and says “everyone goes through this and it's not something to be scared of or hide from others”. I really leaned into lyrics like “I’m ready to feel like I don't have the answers” or “Tonight I just want to fall” because they helped me process that I did not need to be perfect and I was allowed to be messy and wrong which is the harsh reality of getting older.

Just something fun for the new year and to switch it up a little. Let me know if you agree or even maybe add a few of your own in the comments.

🌹 Ins:

Going out in public knowing you look a little rough

Being on a tight budget

Weight training/Lifting heavy

Eating vegetables with every meal because you enjoy them

Liking your own posts

Doing it scared

Envisioning a life wherever you travel to

Getting recipes from a cookbook (sorry Pinterest)

Not having the answers

Listening to country music in the spring

The public library

Physical media and having the devices to play them

Movie theaters giving out posters / making going to the movie theater an event

Judging parents for brining their kids somewhere kids should not be

Kissing

🥀 Outs:

Shaming people for going to the movies a lot

Tracking calories

Calling a coke a "full-fat" coke

Couples out in public

"Content I consumed this week instead of doom scrolling" TikToks

Caring if your belly fat is visible

Waiting until noon to eat your lunch at work

Being important at your job

Pushing religion onto other people / overly religious talk in normal conversations

Having shame for buying sex toys

Weekly Newsletter 💌 (12.22-12.27)

🎄Christmas Edition 🎄

Merry Christmas everyone (Marty Supreme day to those who celebrate)! It has been a roller coaster week and by roller coaster I am referring to a kids roller coaster that looks fun and kinda scary but once you get on it you are sorely disappointed. The week started a little rough so I should’ve seen all of this coming but whatever. We had some family over during the weekend to celebrate Christmas early and by the time they left on Monday I was beginning to feel 13 again when I hated my family and just wanted to be alone. On Tuesday I met with an old friend at the gym to do a workout together which is one of those things I forced myself to do to push myself out of my comfort zone. I handled it better than I thought and I actually had quite a nice time but that is where the good times end for this week. Literally that night I started to feel super sick so I just went to bed but of course woke up the next morning with tons of congestion and a sore throat. Now, one of my family members was sick with strep while they were visiting (😠) so I assumed it was strep and went to a walk-in clinic so I could be sure and get treated. I walked out of this clinic crying because I did not in fact have strep; I had covid instead. In the big 25 testing positive for covid genuinely felt like being sentenced to jail. The nurses at the clinic spoke to me through a crack in the door and then I had to proceed to tell my best friend that we could not see Marty Supreme Christmas Day because I now had to quarantine for 3 days. AND THIS IS ALL HAPPENING ON CHRISTMAS EVE. I was devastated really but also this year has kicked me so hard in the balls I just had to laugh that this was happening to me. To be honest with you, I started to feel better by the time I left the clinic and could almost guarantee I only really had a slight cold. I was just following orders from my mom because she was also certain if my throat hurt then I had strep and it needed to be treated with antibiotics. Can you tell I’m still a little bitter about this all?? Regardless this has honestly been one of the saddest Christmas’s I’ve had in a while. It was 85 degrees with no Marty Supreme. I sincerely hope that 2026 brings more joy and with it very festive holidays because I cannot take another year of holidays not really feeling like holidays. 

🥗this weeks eats:

I feel like nothing I ate this week was because I actually wanted to eat it and more it’s what we had around but I didn’t want to not include this section. I ate some gorgeous mozzarella sticks while watching Marty Supreme but didn’t think to snap a picture (so sorey). I have been on an egg kick recently and having one nearly every morning. It’s very easy for me to get the egg ick but when I’m in the mood for eggs I really go for it. I’ve had some good egg sandwiches (just bread, kewpie mayo, cheese, and a fried egg) and some soft-boiled eggs and those have really hit the spot. I’d also like to update everyone on (what Im deeming) baglegate. I convinced my dad to make more bagels for Christmas morning and it was so good 🤤. 

🌹recently watched:

Marty Supreme 🧡🏓 - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: I didn’t get to see it Christmas Day (managed to see it on Timothee Chalamet’s birthday tho) but nonetheless it was amazing. The score was instantly a hit with me because I LOVE 80’s synths but thought it was so cool to use that sound with a movie set in the 50s. It was certainly not what I was expecting which leaves room for a little disappointment but taking the movie just as it was, it was a really effective story. I can’t think of much else to say about it right now but I can’t wait for people to start digesting this and writing about the message of the movie. I also sincerely hope that Timothee Chalamet gets his Oscar for his performance (although he’s deserved one for so many of his movies). 

Heated Rivalry Ep. 6 🏒 - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: Best TV show in history actually? All around beautiful from the shots to the dialogue. I am a sucker for some domestic fluff between characters that we don’t/ haven’t seen that from yet. It was by far one of the funniest episodes yet as Shane and Ilya were able to be themselves and open up to their softest forms. The phone call scene had me freaking out because Hayden damn well heard every single stroke of that… haha um. *Spoilers ahead* I think they handled Shane’s parents finding out and subsequently Shane’s coming out scene really delicately but also straight to the point which shows how grown Shane has become in his own sexuality. Ilya was a DREAM support system in this episode and I’m glad he didn’t shy away from showing affection towards Shane because my guy really needed someone to ground him (and I get it). I am so sad that we won’t be getting any HR in 2026 but in the meantime I will be reading the book + The Long Game and rewatching episodes till I get sick of them. 

🌷bumpin’ that:

I’ve been constantly just hitting play on A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships by The 1975 because it is such a good cohesive album and just kinda where I’m at in this point of the year. I have also been listening to Hands On Me by Ariana Grande quite literally everyday and I don’t know why other than it’s so catchy and sexy. 

🪷grievances & gratitudes:

Grievances: Couples displaying PDA in public

-I am painfully single and bitter so I become my worst self when I see a really affectionate couple out in public, but recently these couple have been DRIVING ME CRAZY. Just today at the movies me and my bestie go to sit down and to my right see a couple basically in each other’s pants with the cup holder (that’s where your cherry coke goes 😒) up so they can be closer to each other. They are also filling up the gym every time I go which is gross and annoying. Look, I wish the best for these people but some of us aren’t getting any and playing in my face isn’t helping the issue. If you are a couple and in love WALK FASTER when you see me. 

Gratitudes: Life size Tom Welling cut out

-I am eternally grateful for my best friend but today she surprised me with my Christmas gifts and ugh she’s really the best. I am now the proud owner of a LIFE SIZE Tom Welling card board cut out that (for now) lives at the edge of my bed. What more could a girl want? 

🌺brain food:

Life is all about reinventing yourself but never losing sight of who you were in the past. Sometimes that comes in the form of watching gay shows revolving around ice sports just like you did 9 years ago. #imnotnewtothisimtruetothis. 

💌 With Tidings of Joy, 

Weekly Newsletter 💌 (12.15-12.20)

Well hello there 😀. The post semester anxiety has yet to wear off (more on that later) and im still kinda getting over it but I refuse to miss another weekly newsletter. I was going to recap the past two weeks but honestly it was such a blur (like in a car crash type of way) that I cant even recollect what happened. All that I know is I am so very tired of it all. With winter break upon us I feel a lot of pressure to not waste anytime and do what I couldn’t enjoy during the semester but it’s sick and twisted that even that has me feeling exhausted. In truth I haven’t felt like my time has been mine to spend in months. I’ve been working on Christmas gifts for everyone and I’m genuinely really stressed about it. I’ve also been stressed that the holiday season has nearly passed me by and i haven’t even had time to enjoy it. Though, slowly I am getting to a point where I can relax. I went to the gym on Monday and that was the first time in 4 ish months I didn’t have to rush through a workout. I hit a really weird flow state on the elliptical (I was picturing the heated rivalry compilation when they’re working out LOL). Wednesday is when shit hit the fan. In the shortest explanation possible my brother had eaten my dinner that I was looking forward to and I was to a point where only that sounded good so nothing was fixing the issue. This was a situation where one small thing set off MONTHS worth of anxiety and tension so it triggered this really ugly meltdown/ panic attack that had me on the floor petting my dog while hyperventilating listening to Big Star by Lorde. I was certainly feeding the anguish because of the music I was playing but Spotify did the recommended tracks when it played Big Star (so this was not on me) and I genuinely fell to my fucking knees when I heard the first notes. Like I said the semester anxiety had really been taking a toll on me and it all came crashing down with this fucking bagel 😭. I could like physically feel the tension and frustration in my body as a cried though and I just kept thinking “I wish I didn’t have to carry this pain all alone”. The next morning was ROUGH my nervous system was all shorts of fucked up and I had this weird emotional hangover while I watched a couple get into a domestic dispute in the parking lot of my work. This has certainly been one of the wildest weeks of my life this year and It feels so random that this would all happen some random week in December. 

🥗this weeks eats:

I am dedicating this section to something I did NOT eat this week; my beloved steak bagel sandwich. This is a very indulgent breakfast but me and my dad cosmically (and individually) came to the conclusion that we should do breakfast for dinner and have these bagels. It’s essentially the McDonalds steak bagel but because it’s homemade it is soooo much better. I have yet to receive a replacement bagel but the horrors persist. 

🌹recently watched:

I have set out to try and watch a movie every night of break but try as I might, I did not succeed. I hate when watching movies feels like a chore even if I really want to watch something. It remind me of when I was a kid and began to hate watching movies because they were so long (I just really needed a fidget toy). 

The Holdovers ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ ⁃ They make smoking look so delicious in this movie I actually had to pull out my fake sprit halloween cig to cope. This movie is so good and perfect for someone like me who likes my holidays with a side of overwhelming melancholy. Dominic Sessa is so funny in this movie along with the rest of the cast and it manages to make you forget about how sad each of their lives are. I am always one for a positive male role model in a film especially one like this.

Heated Rivalry (EP. 5) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I was going to talk about the episodes that I missed by not posting a newsletter but this is already too long so I am just going to cover ep. 5 here. Such an amazing episode on all levels truly. The story telling throughout this whole series is so effective and there are so many devices at play in influencing that. I think very notably ep. 5 was lacking sex scenes and imploring the fade to black narrative which helps to signal to the audience that Shane and Ilya’s relationship is growing beyond a physical relationship (so don’t tell me smut/sex scenes don’t have anything to do with advancing the plot 🙄). I also really enjoyed, from a hockey fan perspective, how they go about the actual sports commentary in the game where Shane gets injured and the MHL cup winning game. They do a great job at portraying what everything looks like to those watching the game while also providing the context of what the players are saying and doing. Ilya’s Russian monologue was beautifully preformed but the setting of the phone call was giving me HEAVY Normal People flashbacks and I was fighting for my life. I will sat that while I enjoy reading everyone’s thoughts on the show + books I wish I knew less about what was going to happen. I have been putting off reading the books until this season was over but feel like I’ve spoiled a lot for myself by hearing what the book readers have to say about everything. 

🌷bumpin’ that:

I am 15,000 years late to this at this point but I wanted to share a couple things from my Spotify wrapped here so you can fully judge me as a person and so I can share my thoughts because no one on my instagram story cares ☹️.

Top 5 Artists:

Taylor Swift (shocked but not surprised because I can’t not listen to her music even if TLOAS was disappointing as hell)

Tate McRae (not at all surprised, saw her in concert this year and I love her)

The 1975 (wasn’t expecting them to be 3rd but not shocked)

Lorde (Lorde is an artist that I had always known and heard her music but wasn’t necessarily a devote fan of until recently. It unfortunate because I wish I could say Ive been listening to her forever but she found me at the perfect time)

Sabrina Carpenter (she BLEW me away with Man’s Best Friend this year)

Top 5 Songs:

Current Affairs - Lorde 

Sports Car - Tate McRae

Revolving Door - Tate McRae

Miss Possessive - Tate McRae

Purple Lace Bra - Tate McRae

Am I shocked that Current Affairs is my number 1, no not really but also yes? That song has genuine crack in it and is so fucking good but the lyrics are also gut wrenching. The story telling that the sample adds to this UGH Lorde you genius. Addressing the elephant in the room, the rest of the songs are Tate McRae songs LOOOOL. I was NOT expecting that especially with Sports Car and Miss Possessive but So Close To What is such a good album that of course I had it on repeat. Mentioning again that I had tickets to see her before she even released the album so I was STUDYING those lyrics. 

Top 5 Albums:

Virgin - Lorde

Man’s Best Friend - Sabrina Carpenter

So Close To What - Tate McRae

Brat and its completely different but still brat - Charli XCX

The 1975 - The 1975

So top 3 I am certainly not shocked by. I have a little essay in the works to explain the impact Virgin had on my life so stay tuned. I had the pleasure of seeing the opening night of the Ultrasound tour and I think I’m still riding that high but also chasing it. I am a little shocked by spots 4 and 5 because I just wasn’t aware the amount of times I would just hit play on either of those. I had thought my top 1975 album would’ve been Being Funny In A Foreign Language but there are so many gems on Self Titled I can see why that came about. 

🌼currently reading:

Finally able to read during break so I’ve gotten a good amount of chapters into Frankenstein. I need Victor to stop yapping it up about science and his postpartum depression and start telling the captain about how bad of a father he is 🙄. I’ve been reading the most on the treadmill at the gym and it’s humbling how long it takes me to read a chapter but it’s super helpful getting through cardio. I go to my mind palace when I read so time literally slips away in a good way. 

🪷grievances & gratitudes:

Grievances: Having to pick out and wrap my own Christmas gifts

• Many things have changed about Christmas as I get older and finding enjoyment for the season again has been difficult because as a child my parents went above and beyond for our Christmas’s and there was so much surprise that just isn’t there anymore. There’s a part of me that is disappointed that I usually don’t get much for Christmas in a very selfish kind of way, but the bigger issue I have is feeling like there’s really nothing to look forward to when it comes to opening gifts (from family specifically). Like most parents mine ask me what I want and just get it for me (which is already difficult for me because when I ask for stuff I feel like I don’t deserve it) but understandable as my mom doesn’t want to waste money on things I don’t want or need. Although, as time passes on its beginning to become “tell me what you want but also you’re responsible for getting it wrapped or if you want it now you can have it”. It’s exhausting to be the only one in the house that puts any amount of effort into thoughtful gifts and after all of that being told I am doing too much. I am someone who really loves (positive) surprises plus I think gift giving is a valuable form of showing your gratitude for a person. I know not everyone is good at it but I’m just feeling a little dejected this year. 

Gratitudes: Nespresso machine, vibe, boyfriend asmr, erotic audios 

• Now please let me explain LOL. First, as a present to myself I got a Nespresso machine and it was the best purchase in the world. I managed to get is nearly 50% off and I certainly do not regret it one bit aside from the fact the pods are SO expensive. Second, (and I hope I don’t regret posting this LOL) these last three all kinda go together but they all have one thing in common and that is making being single easier. My best friend has had to hear me talk about this at length but If I lived in a different time where these things did not exists I would have been shipped off to the country side and had a ice pick shoved in my brain. There are times where I am frustrated at the fact that after everything I have to do for myself I still have to provide myself comfort and pleasure but at least I can provide those things easier with this godly trio 😫.

🌺brain food:

STOP USING AI

Ever since I learned about the environmental effects that these plants that power different AI programs cause I have been the biggest whistleblower for AI usage. I get so furious when people say “I asked ChatGPT” or “make AI do it for you” because it is so fucking damaging to literally everything. If anyone mentions they use AI around me I cannot stop my face from scrunching up in disgust. It so lazy and brainless. The Environmental and Energy Study Institute explains “Larger data centers can each ‘drink’ up to 5 million gallons per day, or about 1.8 billion daily” which equals the amount of water a town of 10,000 to 50,000 people would use. These data centers are being built in rural areas with people who already have limited access to city utilities. Not to mention fresh water is NOT an unlimited resource so would you rather have water to survive or have ChatGPT guzzle it for you when you ask it to talk dirty to you because you have no actual communication skills to ever get you any action? THINK PEOPLE THINK. 

💌 With Love,

🫩 finals week 🫩

Weekly Newsletter (thanksgiving edition) 💌🍁 (11.24-11.30)

Happy Thanksgiving (week) everyone! I’m hoping this week has been kind and you all had a chance to eat your weight in food as I have so gracefully done. This time of the year warrants reflection as we gather round and share what we’re thankful for. I’m the type of person to take weeks to think of what I’m going to tell my family I’m thankful for because it is important for me to have a sincere answer. Conveniently I wasn’t even asked what I was thankful for this year so I have no one to share this with but you. My answer may come off self-centered but I want to preface this by saying I am always grateful for my wonderful friends and family so that answer feels very surface level. This year I am thankful for the growth I’ve experienced this year (and I’m not talking about my 😏). I’ve seen many different regurgitations of “handling situations better than past me would’ve” recently and it’s been stimulating the thought process that has lead me to this conclusion. Last year was embarrassingly hard time for me. I was a freshman in college (online mind you….), losing touch with friends, feeling horrible about my body and trying but failing to change it, and felt so isolated in my own experience. There’s a different type of loneliness that comes with experiencing something alone. There was a part of me that thought maybe this was just my new phase of life and I would never shed the pain I felt. Truthfully, It wasn’t until about June that I actually started to feel better about my life. I had to let a lot of things go and shed hopes along the way,  but if it wasn’t for those uncomfortable experiences I wouldn’t be as prepared and tough as I am now. I’m still very much working through things but I trust that everything will find its way to me in divine timing and when it is right for me. 

🥗this weeks eats:

I don’t have any pictures because my thanksgiving plate looked so gross with the amount of food that was on it but trust it was yummy. Some highlights were the sweet potato casserole and green chile creamed corn (both made by me 🤤). I also indulged in some salad from my favorite salad place while having some wine and watching Heated Rivalry and wow 🤤.

🌹recently watched:

Strap in because this is about to be a lot…..

Wake Up Dead Man:

Really funny but felt kinda long. Saw this with bestie and the only showing with seats was at 10:45 pm. I was so tired so that didn’t help with the way the pacing felt. Josh O’Conner as a priest LORD HAVE MERCY wow. Missing challengers season BAD. Andrew Scott’s character was so jarring for me because 1. The American accent and 2. He was an incel LOOOOL. Twas a fun movie 🤷‍♀️.

Eternity:

This movie was set out to kill me actually. It’s been hitting me a little hard recently that I don’t have anyone and seeing Elizabeth Olson with TWO men all up on her was a test of my mental fortitude. Callum Turner really took me out the whole movie and that one sex scene and me feeling faint. Miles Teller’s character was really sweet and so old man coded still which I found a great attention to detail. There were plenty of points throughout the movie I just resorted to sobbing because I just couldn’t handle the thought of being loved so deeply.

Zootopia 2:

ZOO OOO OOO. I loooooved this movie and all the characters. The casting really nailed it for me. Nick Wilde is as hot as ever (I said what I said). Fortune Feimster in this movie was SOOO FUNNY “it takes a four way to bust your door way” 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️. Feeling the weight of getting older because half of the kids in the theater weren’t even born when the first movie came out and I really can’t handle that. 

Heated Rivalry: 

• These gay boys have me in a trance dude. Those sex scenes don’t PLAY. I knew nothing of the book before this series came out and I am so sorry I haven’t read it sooner. Already feeling emotionally devastated with the ending of episode 2 and only living to see episode 3 at this point. Both main actors are so good that it really makes this show click and I am just so obsessed. Also as a hockey fan if this helps to grow the game im all here for it but I don’t know how comfortable I feel if the NHL actually acknowledges it. The hockey spaces are barley safe for women so….

🌷bumpin’ that:

 Don’t call a well-fair check on me but lately I have been bumping Couldn’t Be Happier from the Wicked For Good sound track and the “there are bridges you cross you didn’t know until you cross” has really been hitting me. So much so that I damn near wrote an essay on some messy friendship stuff I went through earlier this year and I cried my eyes out when she sang it in the movie. I have also been bumping Slut Era Interlude by ROLE MODEL 🫩. That song is so good just like musically but the actual lyrics of the song make me feel a little sick. There’s a very messy part of me that loves it though and it kinda terrifies me 😀. 

🪷grievances & gratitudes:

I am trying to not put too many grievances because it’s thanksgiving (week) after all but with the amount of trips to the movie theater this weekend I have to say something. People that don’t have basic theater etiquette awaken a different type of anger in me and I get so close to being a a full blown bitch. I love big movie weekends when everyone goes to the theater don’t get me wrong but when my movie going experience is fucked with I get cranky. I don’t mind a little (quiet) chatter or a really loud laugh but getting up constantly and FARTING really loud is unacceptable dude. There are kids that are better behaved than these fucking adults. 

My gratitude’s this week are getting to spend time with family/ getting time off work for the holidays, going to the movies, and going on early morning walks. Very simple I know but that’s literally all I did this week alright. The holidays would not be the same without my family and I really appreciate that Im at an age where I can actually appreciate spending time with them. Im grateful for going to the movies because they really are such a great escape from reality that’s very needed. Lastly, I went on this amazing walk on Thanksgiving so I could get my cardio in for the day and it was so fucking good. I listened to the latest ride episode and frozen my butt off (so worth it).

🌺brain food:

Trying something new this week so I’d really appreciate the participation. I would like to know what you guys are thankful for this year. Make it as genuine, funny, or dumb as you want. 🦃🍁 (p.s. very thankful for the 3 other people who have liked my newsletter so far besides my best friend so thanks 💖)

💌 With Thanks,