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I’m not scared to die I’m a little bit scared of what comes after

Brand New

Intuition

I tried to make a home out of you, but doors lead to trap doors, a stairway leads to nothing. Unknown women wander the hallways at night. Where do you go when you go quiet? You remind me of my father, a magician…able to exist in two places at once. In the tradition of men in my blood, you come home at 3a.m. and lie to me. What are you hiding? The past and the future merge to meet us here. What luck. What a fucking curse. 

Denial

I tried to change. Closed my mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less awake. Fasted for sixty days, wore white, abstained from mirrors, abstained from sex, slowly did not speak another word. In that time, my hair, I grew past my ankles. I slept on a mat on the floor. I swallowed a sword. I levitated. Went to the basement, confessed my sins, and was baptized in a river. I got on my knees and said “amen” and said “I mean”. I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet. I threw myself into a volcano. I drank the blood and drank the wine. I sat alone and begged and bent at the waist of God. I crossed myself and thought I saw the devil. I grew thickened skin on my feet, I bathed in bleach, and plugged my menses with pages from the holy book, but still inside me, coiled deep, was the need to know…are you cheating on me?

Anger

If it’s what you truly want, I can wear her skin over mine. Her hair over mine. Her hands as gloves. Her teeth as confetti. Her scalp, a cap. Her sternum, my bedazzled cane. We can pose for a photograph, all three of us. Immortalized…you and your perfect girl. I don’t know when love became elusive. What I know is, no one I know has it. My father’s arms wrapped around my mother’s neck, fruit too ripe to eat. I think of lovers as trees, growing to and from one another. Searching for the same light. Why can’t you see me? Everyone else can.

Apathy

So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children, both living and dead. Rest in peace, my true love, who I took for granted. Most bomb pussy who, because of me, sleep evaded. Her god listening. Her heaven will be a love without betrayal. Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks.

Emptiness

She sleeps all day. Dreams of you in both worlds. Tills the blood, in and out of uterus. Wakes up smelling of zinc. Grief sedated by orgasm, orgasm heightened by grief. God was in the room when the man said to the women, “I love you so much. Wrap your legs around me. Pull me in.” Sometimes when he’d have her nipple in his mouth, she’d whisper, “Oh, my God.” That, too, is a form of worship. Her hips grind, pestle and mortar, cinnamon and cloves. Whenever he pulls out…loss. Dear moon, we blame you for floods…for the flush of blood…for men who are also wolves. We blame for the night for the dark, for the ghosts.

Loss

Every fear…every nightmare…anyone has ever had.

Accountability

You find the black tube inside her beauty case where she keeps your father’s old prison letters. You desperately want to look like her. You look nothing like your mother. You look everything like your mother. Film star beauty. How to wear your mother’s lipstick. You go to the bathroom to apply your mother’s lipstick. Somewhere no one can find you. You must wear it like she wears disappointment on her face. Your mother is a woman and women like her cannot be contained. Mother dearest, let me inherit the earth. Teach me how to make him beg. Let me make up for the years he made you wait. Did he bend your reflection? Did he make you forget you own name? Did he convince you he was a god? Did you get on your knees daily? Do his eyes close like doors? Are you a slave to the back of his head? Am I talking about your husband, or your father? 

Reformation

He bathes me until I forget their names and faces. I ask him to look me in the eye when I come home. Why do you deny yourself heaven? Why do you consider yourself undeserving? Why are you afraid of love? You think it’s not possible for someone like you. But you are the love of my life. 

Forgiveness

Baptize me now that reconciliation is possible. If we’re gonna heal, let it be glorious. One thousand girls raise their arms. Do you remember being born? Are you thankful for the hips that cracked? The deep velvet of your mother, and her mother, and her mother? There is a curse that will be broken.

Resurrection

Something is missing. So many young women, they tell you, “I want me a hu- see, all of them make me feel better than you.” So how are we supposed to lead our children to the future? What do we do? How do we lead them? Love. L-O-V-E, love. Mmm-mm-mm. Hallelujah. Thank you, Jesus. I just love the Lord. I’m sorry, brother. I love the Lord. That’s all I got. When your back gets against the wall and your wall against your back, who you call? Hey! Who you call? Who you call? You gotta call Him. You gotta call Jesus. You gotta call him. You gotta call Him ‘cause you ain’t got another hope. You are terrifying…and strange…and beautiful. Magic.

Hope

The nail technician pushed my cuticles back and turns my hand over, stretches the skin on my palm and says, “I see your daughters and their daughters.” That night in a dream, the first girl emerges from a slit in my stomach. The scar heals into a smile. The man I love pulls the stitches out with his fingernails. We leave black sutures curling on the side of the bath. I wake as the second girl crawls headfirst up my throat, a flower blossoming out of the hole in my face.

Redemption

Magical 🌱