lillyonarock

As an Intp, I can openly say that it's all too hard. It's hard to be able to fit into the societal norms and its even harder to find love .., i think too much, and most of the times I believe that that is the reality because it indeed is ..thanks to my lack of emotion while judging people's actions and behaviours.

I feel like I've always been a hard child to deal with. Be it my parents or my siblings, I was very direct with what I felt, I often felt like a burden or that no one really ever understood me. I have a very bad tendency to lash out when I feel like the other person lacks basic understanding and when they act on their own insecurities without thinking about my feelings.

I'm tired of taking the burden of others' issues and I'm also not someone who will keep quiet just for the sake of my own peace. And to be honest, I've tried this previously, trying to be understanding,mature and wise. But in the end what I got was immaturity from those around me, regardless of being older than me.

I'm also not too good with narcissistic personalities and to be honest I'm very tired of this ignorance.

"they will never change" this is something I've heard a lot. But I believe that a person can change. If you let patterns repeat they'll not change but if you take the initiative, it will change. It just depends on what you want.

I'm emotionally hurt and I can't take the pressure of this much damage, so I've decided to distance myself from them. It makes me feel bad, but I know what is important right now.

I do not want to be good to one and bad to another. I don't want anyone to stand up for me or love me either. I just want honesty.

I hope i don't stay like this for a long time. I want my light back.

I finished "the song of Achilles" on the morning of ereyesterday. All I can say is that I'm NOT OKAY. I've wanted this book since I was in highschool, and I'm now in my masters' last year. I knew pat was going to die, I knew I was going to have my heart brutally shattered. And it did. I was in so much grief after reading it that i couldn't handle the pain. I immediately picked up days at morisaki bookshop right after in the noon.

All I have to say is that all the stories i read growing up , all the gay fanfictions, all the manhwas and mangas, all the gay tv shows. I now know where the "soul" in them comes from.

I'm so honoured to be able to read the holy book of the gays. Because of the song of Achilles I'm now a bit interested into greek mythology. I also bought "Circe" by Madeline Miller because i trust in her and I want to read all her works. She truly is an inspiration.

I can't say how overjoyed I am to be able to experience what I read. It felt like I was in that world ..seeing patroclus and achilles living the life at pelion, in phthia and in troy first hand.

I still am grieving this book and the moment I closed it I felt a gust of all the emotions that I felt and I'm still grieving their innocence and teenage, the figs, the rivers, chiron's teachings and the rose quartz cave, the lyre, the games and the teasing.

I know everyone in the fandom has at least read it twice. But I don't know if I can open it again anytime soon...maybe after a month or two. I can't bear it, even reading the beautiful scenes is hard for me right now. But I do want to do it justice and will absolutely read it again as soon as im strong enough.

I'm so grateful to the author, all the fan artists and gods that I could ever experience this beautiful journey.

"I have to wake up" I say, as I'm buried in the swamp of your scent and your tenderness. I look up, only to find you sitting on that chair, stirring your coffee. You're smiling at me, "good morning satoru" . The smile that made me forget all my troubles, my grief , my self.

I know you are not sitting on that chair, but I still smile at you , only you. "Good morning my love".

You blush like you used to, but I'm not dumb enough anymore, to not notice. Afterall, what else do I have in this world, to look at?

I wait for you every morning and you come to me every time. Smiling, stirring coffee, sometimes tea, sometimes reading your high and mighty literature that you bought when we went to get the new digimon volume for me.

How long are you going to keep reading... Suguru? How long are you going to keep smiling at me and stirring that damn coffee?

Will you please... come closer to me this time? Will you please... Sit beside me instead of that chair...that damn chair nine feet from my bed, but still an eternity away from me.

Suguru... will you please... stroke my hair and tell me that you love me? Chuckle at my jokes once again?

Will you please... stay with me forever this time, like you promised me?

Will you please.....sit beside me, instead of that damn chair, Suguru.

{This is a tiny snippet of satoru's monologue that I really wanted to write. Again I don't know the artist but credits to them only, it's so beautiful.}

I'll also add the song i listened to while writing! It's really resonant to what I wrote so you can listen to it as well.

I don't know who the artist of this art is, but I can't help but appreciate this one with all my heart. The realness of their relationship and their tragedy is so beautifully shown in this one. The beautiful laughter on suguru's face shows his personality so well.. he's a literal ball of sunshine, he loved satoru so much and wanted nothing more than satoru's happiness and safety. Even in this art, he is so happy to dance with satoru, his one and only love. People might get the wrong idea of suguru being selfish, but I don't think there was anything he wanted more than the well-being of satoru.

Satoru on the other hand is completely lost in the Suguru he once had. The one who laughed at everything he said, every joke he cracked. The one who would lighten his mood up with just his smile. He once again sees the smile and this might be the last. Their last dance....

This song really fits this art imo.

My very own satosugu playlist helps me write the most honest feeling I have for them and the ones they might have had for each other...

I'll attach a link to my playlist, I hope you'll love it , especially if you're desi.

I hope anyone who clicks at it enjoys it. And yes I'm desi.

I'm currently on my first ever book ...even though I've been reading gay fiction for almost 8 years now ....the Song of Achilles has been on the top of my list. I finally got my hands on it and it's actually so so good. The descriptions and the intimacy, it's magical. It's old now ..so much has been taken from it and ..new rhetoric is emerging and i can read it in bl manhwas and see it in shows like young royals ( my favourite queer show, I'll make a post about it later). But the devotion and Achilles being a total green flag is very fascinating to read.

Coming back to Satosugu...yes i want to make something like this...and you'll know it when I tell you about it. I hope to find so much inspiration from my imagination and the nature of love.