LilBit

I have recently been chatting with multiple submissive girls who are basically being ignored by their Caregiver. They did nothing wrong. They were not told they were going to be ignored. They just have been without any contact for no particular reason. 

When you ignore your submissive, whether it is intentional or not, you leave them wondering what they have done wrong. They sit there thinking that there must be something wrong with them that you can so put them from your mind, as they starve for your guidance, love, and support. There is no excuse for it. It’s the age of texting folks. It takes less than 30 seconds to type a phrase like, “Sorry, I don’t mean to ignore you. Just wanted to remind you that I care about you. I’m just terribly busy.” Takes the same 30 seconds to type, “I’m having a hard time with myself right now, and I just need some time to sort it out. I hope you understand.” Any communication of what is going on that requires your absence will mean so much to someone who depends on you so much, and who you have sworn to care for. Don’t ghost on your submissive. Let me say it again for those in the back… DON’T GHOST ON YOUR SUBMISSIVE. If you can’t spare them 30 seconds over a period of several days, you don’t deserve one. 

Daddy makes me cry. Ugly cry. The kind where your breath catches in your throat, and snot drips from your nose, and mascara runs down your cheeks. Chest racking, sobbing, forceful bawling. But, it’s not what you think.

I’ve always viewed crying as an attribute of the weak. As a child, I was told to “quit your crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about”, on a regular basis. I try to never let someone see me cry. I am sensitive to a fault, but I’ll be damned if someone views me as weak.

D knows. He sees when I am carrying too much. He sees when I have something to say, that I can’t put into words for him. So, he breaks me down until he sees whatever switch it is that he sees, knowing that I am just the right size of vulnerable. And then…. he orders me to cry.

“Cry.” The tears well in my eyes, and I fight it.

“Cry, princess.” And the dam breaks, and the emotions spill over, and I am released from all of the things I didn’t realize I was carrying.

As the tears rush forward, so do the words. I am broken, and I am able to communicate FINALLY, because I am in the most vulnerable state in this man’s hands.

This catharsis is what I needed, but I would never recognize it myself. I would continue to pile things on, and shove them down, believing that I am unworthy of my emotions.That they are invalid. Because, every other man in my life told me so.

And then, D picks up each issue off the floor, dusts it off, and fixes it. He acknowledges each one; calling them by name, and lovingly putting them to rest.

This man has been helping me consistently unpack my baggage for years, slowly and lovingly. Which makes me cry happy tears, and those are the best kind. ~p

That is part of my job princess 😘💞

“Dear Future Dominant,

Submissive women think and feel differently. We feel everything. We want everything. The ugly parts of you we want as well. Submission is a great gift that will be bestowed upon you but such a loving soulful submissive. You can not pick and choose what parts are worthy to share with her. Please learn her. Learn who she is first. Place the hands you own on her face as you take her hand on a powerful path. Understand the why of how she holds walls so high. Take each brick and throw them to the ground. Break down and be raw. Dominant’s should be vulnerable too. Understand nurturing. Love yourself before you love her. Make yourself a priority. Allow the submissive to hold you high and help you become the best man you can be. Never stop learning and knowledge is power. Make sure you are transparent in expectations. Laugh. Laugh a ton. Kiss her forehead and smile. Please make mistakes and work from them together.Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Place yourself first so you can become the best man you can be. It is at that point, you can take care of a submissive 100% Give yourself to her. Feel her presence as she kneels before you. Take each breath and understand those same hands around her neck will also be the same hands you will hold her with in aftercare. Be calm. Submissives hide when they feel scared. Never raise a voice, simply because you do not need to. Let her in who you are. Let her see the weakness you may have. Accept unconditional love. Do not have her ever second guess the submission and dominance of the relationship. Smile. Smile alot. Share with her how you need her to be at your mercy. Understand patience. Guarded woman are guarded for a reason. Learn why. Make her a priority. Communicate why you need her over your knee. Share with her you’re most powerful secrets. With a fist full of hair, explain to her in her ear what you need and will take. Never over step boundaries. Make her smile be the largest in the room. You will be the one to benefit 100% to learn her core. Be you. All of you. Just love her–and yourself.

Sincerely,

Writing provided by dominantguide.com - I felt the need to share.

1) Do what you’re told. Not just when you want to, not just when it’s easy, but every single time. If you’ve suddenly decided you’re a free agent that’s a conversation for negotiation in whatever format that takes in your dynamic. Until then, less talking, more obeying.

2) Keep your commitments. If me/you/we have decided on a certain protocol you’re expected to follow through. Nothing sucks the magic out of a D/s interaction faster than when BOTH people let protocols lapse and drift by the wayside. If you act like a part-time sub expect to be treated like one.

3) Try to be just a little less self-centered. The journey of submission is all about YOU, I get it. Truthfully all of us Doms get it, but there is an illusion here that needs to be maintained, and when every check-in boils down to how things are going for you and you don’t bother to ask, “How are you, are you satisfied, are you getting what you need out of me, how can I improve our shared experience?” It makes you look kinda shallow.

4) Don’t compare yourself to other people. Whether you’re poly or monogamous, every time you look at another person and say: “I’ll bet he likes them more than me.” You’re essentially saying “I don’t trust you, I don’t trust us, I don’t really believe that you want me like you say you do.” We are with you for a reason. Not receiving the desire we feel for you is deeply insulting.

5) Sacrifice. This is the deeper side of D/s, it’s where the givers separate themselves from the users. There is nothing that builds a connection faster than doing something unpleasant, when you don’t want to, without being asked, without seeking praise. It’s also very easy to take for granted, which is why you should take your time and don’t give yourself to a Dom who’s a shithead.

6) Own your tantrums. You have feelings, deep intense feelings, if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be a sub. I encourage you to learn to track when the kettle is about to boil so together we can point the steam in a safe direction. When you fuck up though, and I get a face full of hot water, and you say bad things, you need to accept that in the morning you’ll be held accountable for the things you said even if you didn’t really mean them. This can be a tough pill to swallow, which brings us to our next point:

7) Take it with grace. Ritual and submission are amazing tools to refocus the mind and de-escalate emotions, but the collar is not a magic ring, YOU make the magic. You make it by catching yourself, by breathing into your rituals, by transforming frustration and stress into submission and present moment awareness. Each repetition is a form of emotional alchemy much in the same way that CBT thought-stopping is, (that’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, not Cock and Ball Torture, you perverts).

8) Help us to evolve. I’m talking about recognizing that every human being is a little bit lost in their own way, and the difference is that Doms don’t have someone constantly fixating on how to guide us into being better versions of ourselves. Deftly guiding power figures in the directions they need to go is the forte’ of the masterful submissive, and the difference between that and manipulation is that you always have the person’s own interests at heart, even when they conflict with your own. It’s easy to love a Dom as an archetype or a caricature, but to evaluate a whole human being, and desire to kneel for them anyways is the deepest expression of love. You and I may have different toolboxes, but we are building the same house.

9) Stick around. Fact is, most subs vanish as soon as the honeymoon wears off. This phenomenon of women who beg for submission then pull the ripcord at 3-7 months once it’s no longer all about them makes Doms cynical, hard, and reluctant to engage, and further shrinks the pool of the few decent guys who can do this stuff well. I think a lot of this stems from the idea that Dominance is something that’s being done to you, and not with you. If you empower yourself as a co-creator of the dynamic, you’ll be able to make it last longer. I think it might also stem from the fact that a good chunk of lifestylers (both Dom and sub) are emotionally broken jackasses. Sorry, I’m a dick.

10) Cut us some ‘effin slack for god sakes. Being a Dom is a LOT of work, it requires time, focus, and a wide open emotional bandwidth. It takes discipline to hold your ground when things are difficult, knowing that if you repair them with vanilla ‘bargaining’ tactics you will also dissolve the dynamic in the process. As a sub starts to see you as more human, it gets harder. When she/he gets to the “resistance” stage of the relationship, it gets harder. As real life starts to throw you curve balls, it gets harder. Aside from the emotional aspect of things, what it takes to keep things fresh and interesting is an aspect that is hard to appreciate until you’re the one in charge. The thing they don’t tell you about being a Dom is that even if you have the gravitas to make a girl melt, if you don’t have the creativity to constantly invent and reinvent new twists on a very old theme, you’re just a tall dark stranger standing there with your dick in your hand. Sometimes I think this is why geeks end up being better Doms than their smokey eyed, jack-booted, ‘true dom’ counterparts.