there used to be symbolism here

came here because I (surprise surprise) was feeling a lot of things and I didddddd used to write it out when I’ve felt this way in the past right so

Jesus am I justifying writing a stupid post on tumblr to myself right now instead of simply just WRITIBG THE THIBV I CAME HERE TO WRITE IN THE FIRST OLACE I kinda miss a physical journal actually but I haven’t written in my accctual journal in years and because of the time gap I feel that if I actually go write in my journal again the pressure to “catch it up” will …. Okay that IS the thing keeping me from writing in it JESUS OK OK

Came here bc I’ve known all along that this reality could never be the one I always dream of man greed. GREED. the world is going the way it’s going and I’m terrified and frozen and constantly taking in the damn algorithm man but what else am I to do I’m not your fucking hero citizen here I’m afraid to leave my fucking house if we’re getting real honest here. I must be terrified bc I never do it I never actually really really want to and it’s the “want” that’s important there.

if I don’t want to and it won’t hurt anyone ELSE then I will always find a way to not down the thing

know what I mean? that’s how simple of a being I am. (But there’s always a grey area not everything is absolute like that you could do it you’re capable)

Did you not read me? I. DONT. WANT. TO. not really

man I’m not nice to myself today of course I do want to my brain j u s t d o n t bc it’s physically actually diagnostically and medically different

that’s all. I cried a bit and pet my cat and thanks her for listening and helping me feel whatever emotion that was for real instead of compartmentalizibg it like I do

FUCK ICE

me today 6.14.25 in a text to my best friend who’s called me multiple times in the last week to chat but I’ve neglect to respond to: Hey!!!!!! Sending this to you as quick “hi, I’m alive and well, and sorry for my distance, and I’m ok & love you” notification:) and just to immediately pivot to being emotionally vulnerable, it’s become apparent this morning that the “genocidal/political/dictator-y/international-tension of it all” has been taking a toll on my mind and heart and I’ve allowed myself to isolate in response to that state of mind. In defiance of the societal oppression I’m feeling I’m hitting send on this text because connection and finding joy in times as this is a form of resistance. Most importantly I love you ❤️

(I’m listening to and reading the lyrics of Complicated by Avril Lavigne. Nostalgic and loving it rn)