This wasn't a surprise. Caelus makes his way to the Archives often, whether it be to leave gifts behind or doing actual work in looking through shelves. He wouldn't have paid much mind, readily about to give him his usual greeting, but the words get trapped in his throat when he realizes Caelus' shoulders were shaking. He was holding something in his hands, but it was too far for him to catch the words and see what they were specifically. "Caelus....? Are you alright? What's wrong?"
in the span of three years caelus has known what it meant to be brought back to life over and over again. heβd been remade, his heart restarted, but rarely did he see it from the other side. he wanted to be the one to make the necessary sacrifice. this was the script that had been left for him, even without elioβs guidance, or kafkaβs, he knew this was written into his very bones. his blank slate was made to endure the hands of fate over and over and over again, not to watch as it engulfed the souls he had come to consider so, so precious.
he couldnβt do it. it was too painful.
but dan heng had endured this for over one thousand years.
the stellaron could still remember the first archive entry heβd read, authored by dan heng, about their recounted adventure on hertaβs space station. although it felt like caelus was still translating the words through his head in real time, heβd remembered trying to read it in dan hengβs cadence, in a voice that felt so monotonously β¦ well, monotone. a true third party, someone diligently and meticulously recording his own life as if he was watching it through a screen. and for a while, this was how he thought dan heng behaved in turn, acting passively, as if everything else before amphoreus had been a simulation too. but these records, scavenged from the remains of the sceptre, were different β¦
part of him felt like he shouldnβt have been reading this. that while dan heng might not have minded him reading drafts for the archives before, this was clearly not an article. this was personal, dan hengβs doubts and vulnerabilities, his eventual resolve bleeding onto the page like the ichoric blood both had shed as chrysos heirs. the man caelus had met on the herta space station could not move him with a few heartfelt words, not βtil they were backed by the force of the wind, the tide, the mountains. it hurt. it made the thrumming glow of his chest hurt so much, because he had been witness to a dan heng that did not bend to the heartβs whims, but shattered instead. caelus had been there, waiting at the door, ready to pick up the pieces.
where had he been this time, when dan heng was all alone Β Β ?
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β β Β Β β¦ Β Β whyβd you wait Β Β ? Β Β β
caelusβ fracture had not been a clear, and sudden thing, but the sum of accumulated pressure, coal fragmenting instead of turning into diamonds. he had never known what it meant to feel this level of destruction, this loss, this fear, for it to seep into his very being and force the grief of it out in hot, fresh tears. it was such a human emotion, a love letter to the parts of himself heβd thought heβd only ever emulate, and never feel with this level of devastation. he had known this kind of loss before, but it was never so much. he had known β¦ but the risk had never been dan heng. maybe it was only now caelus realised how shaken he would be without a cornerstone of his existence, without the first pair of eyes he laid eyes upon in this life.
caelus has never cried before, and the physical sensation of it was sickening. flushed hot, embarrassed, anger, ashamed, guilty, relieved, overwhelmed by a devotion he might not ever be able to repay. he was elated. he was terrified. he felt so, heartbreakingly human.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β β Β Β why would you do that Β Β ?! Β Β why would you wait that long Β Β ?!! Β Β what if i lost you Β Β ?!!!Β Β β
within a few determined strides caelus was before dan heng, reacting as if he was not still crying, as if his anger could make this mentally unsound decision make sense. out of desperation he practically slammed into the dragon, his embrace a vice, each arm anchored, straining into dan hengβs clothes with no intentions of letting go.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β β Β Β they trusted me to see them through to the end, and it wasnβt enough. cyrene trusted me. phainon trusted me. and, all i could do was write something to remember them by Β Β - Β Β β
the data entry clattered to the floor upon impact, revealing that caelus hadnβt even made it to the end. caelus knew how the rest of the story played out, heβd had to scribe the rest of it himself. each and every loving recount of their lost companions had felt like both annecdote and obituary. the thought of writing one for dan heng, on a different timeline where each chrysos heir had been written out of existence brought on new onslaught of grief.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β β Β Β there arenβt enough words in the universe to describe how much iβd miss you if you didnβt make it. Β Β β
caelus voice was hoarse. it had never been this unstable before, this volatile, feeling like his chest had been scraped raw to expose the heart of him.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β β Β Β there is no star i wouldnβt chase hoping for an afterimage, lightyears away, where you still lived. you canβt justΒ Β Β - Β Β β
he buried his face into dan hengβs neck, eyes squeezing shut, the hands around his companion digging so hard into him it probably hurt. he couldnβt tell. he needed to feel dan heng against him, solid, alive and breathing. here. silent against the pained whines in caelusβ voice, the sobbing collapse of a star that had come too close to imploding. the hurt, the grief, the relief, the love, welling against danheng's tear-stained shoulder in caelus' pitiful little you can't, you can'ts -
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β β Β Β why did you come back to find me ? Β Β β
