Outer H(e)aven

"Rain Light" - WS Merwin

she's so tired :(

And he can tell, which makes it worse

Emmanuel and Sydney's relationship parallels Carmy's relationship with Sydney.

Sydney feels guilty for making her father worry about her; Carmy feels guilty for making Sydney worry about him.

The same way Emmanuel lets Sydney stay with him while her shit is fucked up is the same way Sydney stayed by Carmy's side while his mind was fucked up; he continues to be generally unwell, and Sydney gives him space to do what he thinks is best for him, as much as it hurts her. Even if it's all more self-sabotage.

Sydney blames herself for causing her father's heart attack because she is afraid of being a "disappointment and a waste of space," which are things that we know Carmy is also terrified of. She is blaming herself for breaking her father's heart, and we know Carmy has already caused Sydney plenty of heartbreak.

The most interesting part for me is how Carmen not only nurtures himself in Sydney's love, trusting and relying on her to be there for him (in the same way Sydney trusts her father to be there for her), but he also manages to turn that same coin back to her. Sydney's core wound is with her confidence, and Carmy nurtures her in this aspect, even if he still doesn't recognize his own value or hasn't nurtured his own confidence to rely on himself (instead of his profession). Still, he is sure that Sydney is at this moment already capable of relying on herself. All the things he could see in himself, he sees in her.

Sydney talks about relying on her father in the same breath as explaining all the reasons she doesn't trust herself. Then, Carmy, who has relied on her and has wanted to be her friend and be there for her, tells her just how much he believes in her. That she doesn't need to continue being this unsure, that she is the Bear who has just woken up from her cage, and she can finally take complete control of her life the moment she realizes it. With her firm identity, creativity, and ideas, she is no longer green; all that potential was just waiting for the right occasion to emerge.

And, finally, I also liked how he said that not only can she make herself survive, but that she is the reason everyone in that restaurant, and especially he, can actually survive. All those self-depricating tendencies that exist in both, that in Carmys have converted into self-sabotage and self-harming, Syd is the key for him to survive it.