Life According To mE

There has always only ever been what is

A life plagued by uncertainty and distrust

Where survival was the status quo

Family causing untold damage

While my development slowly progressed

I was born into a hurricane

Never given time to bloom, to grow, to flourish

Before the winds of life knocked me down and threw me around

There was no fertile soil

No calm and sunny days

I never had the right amount of water to thrive

I was either parched or drowning

So you see

There was never a before the trauma

There has only been the trauma

And the surviving of it

Trying like hell to find purchase in a life that has never really been my own

Trying to learn how to thrive in a hostile environment

Endless effort

Leaving me exhausted and aching

How can simple words from another cause the onslaught of thought that cripples me so

Unshed tears form reservoirs behind my eyes

And I know that tonight the dam will break

The tears will cascade down my cheeks

And I will find no solace in the release

Simply resignation

I feel the wear and tear on my soul with each passing day

I find value in helping others make it through their crisis

I find meaning in teaching the next generation of helpers

The next two months at work are full of us being short staffed

While training new staff and interns

While trying to help patients to the best of my ability

And I am so very tired

Soul level tired

It’s not compassion fatigue

I still feel immense amounts of compassion

I am simply exhausted from not doing enough to care for myself over the last eight months

I need a vacation that I can’t afford to take right now

Maybe I’ll just have to settle for a hug

I see the way people look at me with distain and disgust

I acknowledge the reality I live in

I am not beautiful

A fact the world won’t let me forget

So I continue on with life

Knowing I will always be abhorrent in the eyes of others

Knowing that there are entire movements that want to erase my existence

And my therapist wonders why I struggle to love myself

Why I can’t seem to see my own value

But you see

When fatphobia is the status quo

My fat body makes me worthless

Add to that my mentally ill brain