Dreamer

A/N: So Rosè from Blackpink recently released a new song titled “Number one Girl” and this idea sparked in me, so what will happen after he actually said all those words to you? This is for all the girls who thought he was the one, but were left after being said all those sweet words that you thought meant so much.

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It's been quite a while since my ex and I broke up. Many years have passed since our last conversation, and ever since then, all I've felt toward him is hate. I hated that I stayed with him for so long, hated that I gave so much and received almost nothing in return, but most of all, I hated the traumatic memories that I've kept unshared, even with those closest to my heart.

I poured all of myself into this one guy whom I thought would be my forever. I abandoned my male friends, who were like brothers to me, and quit most of my hobbies because he found them strange. I did all of this in hopes of his happiness, and because of that, I truly despised every aspect of our relationship when it ended. He was my world, and when it ended, I felt completely shattered. I was consumed by these painful memories, leading me to resent him and resent what we once had. However, I realized it wasn't all bad, because at one point, we were in love and happy. I was happy…

Though our relationship may not have ended well, I was happy. We were happy together.

I came to understand that my hatred was from the disappointment of the relationship not meeting my expectations. I was so fixated on this disappointment that all the joyful memories became overshadowed by bitterness.

I'm writing this now not because I still love him or have lingering feelings, but as a reminder to myself of the happy times when I was in love with him. To remember that I am capable of falling in love and being loved, that there is a person within me whom someone could genuinely care for. Although it didn't work out, I still have to be grateful for having met him and for welcoming him into my heart.

I do recall thanking him for being my boyfriend, for being the one I used to call home, and for being the shoulder I leaned on during tough days, but what I never did was forgive him. This weight in my heart always lingered, filled with anger due to the bitterness in my mind. However, I've finally come to terms with myself; perhaps it's time to forgive him. Forgiving him doesn't mean I'll reach out to him again, but it means no longer feeling anger when I see him in my social media feed or hear his name. It means not feeling that pang when Facebook reminds me of a picture we took years ago. With that, I can finally release the heaviness in my heart and begin to live lighter.

Wow! Been a while since I last wrote here in my blog. The last that I wrote was about me not being happy with the company I used to work in. LOL. Putting that aside, I also can’t believe that I’ve already been working for almost 6 years! Time does go faster when you’re an adult, work really does eat you up. I’ll be posting up here again soon about my experience with being an adult, and how I’m surviving it. Hopefully I can continue doing this as I don’t want to get too addicted to working. 

“When you’re unhappy and struggling, that’s your signal to leave.” This phrase is most commonly used in relationships, but does this apply for work and career choices? 

Oftentimes when we are in a relationship we wake up realizing that we are not happy with the person we are with regardless of how perfect they are. This too can happen in the workplace, waking up and realizing that you aren’t very happy with what you do. 

Imagine this, you have an amazing boss, family like workmates and the salary is pretty good. But what if you start feeling different about it? Like you have no idea what’s bugging you but you aren’t just happy anymore. Getting up for work gets harder everyday and you start to distance yourself from your officemates. Your inspiration and enthusiasm to do your projects are gone and you just want to stay in bed and rest. You aren’t exhausted, you just start to not feel like doing what you would normally do. Nothing excites you anymore. Work discipline and motivation is fading. It’s like you’re just going in circles.  

You stay a little longer but your email notifications frighten you and every single one of your officemates just ticks you off. These are all unhealthy and it messes up your performance. Time to go,I guess? 

Today marks the 6th month of me being in quarantine, which is quite sad. My social life drained pretty bad because of all these and caused me to question my worth again. Sad to have a love language of quality time during this time, and this is why I’m starting my very own “Happiness Journey” which is inspired by Gretchen Rubin. During the first two months of being in quarantine I started to read her book “The Happiness Project” which inspired me reset myself and find my way to being happy again, although I still have yet to finish her book which is a good time since I’ll officially be starting my own.

Despite being lonely and dwelling on what COVID has taken from me, I have discovered a lot of things about myself and what I’m doing in attracting to trigger the sadness I feel almost everyday. With that, today will be the first day I’ll be changing my attitude and routine to achieve my goal on being happy once again. Part of my journey will be blogging more often so hopefully I can share all the things that I do until the end of it.

Can’t wait to see what will change in my life after this!

Five months. Yes, it’s been five months since I last had that taste of what the outside world used to be. Streets are quiet, malls are empty, playgrounds are filled with leaves and birds, bars are closed, party music are nowhere to be heard, events cancelled and bad news everywhere. This pandemic has took everything almost everything that kept me sane and coping from all the loneliness and stress that fills me up on my daily routine. I miss going home at 4 in the morning from that night out with my friends, the loud music, the busy streets, the hassle commute and the late night work hours.

Not only that, interacting with people feels a lot more different, reading between the lines of every email, every comment, and every chat could never be so difficult. Are they mad? Do they really want to talk to me? Am I annoying them? Is this the right time to send the message? I never thought hitting enter or send could be so traumatizing.

I also never thought that staying at home could be so terrifying, doing the same routine over and over again. It was good at first, I got to read a lot more books, exercising became a habit, enhanced a skill and spent a lot more time with my pets. But there’s work, set up and environment became different, what I once called my home is now also my workspace. The idea would’ve been great, working from the comfort of my own home used to be a dream, but who would’ve thought that working from home could be so exhausting. I wake up a little later than usual, start my work and realize that it has already ended... way pass than what I signed up for. Days became faster, deadlines are stricter, creativity is nowhere to find, no colleagues to bug, nowhere to go after a long stressful week, holidays don’t feel like holidays and home doesn’t feel like home anymore.

I go to bed every night thinking how long this could go on and how others could call this the “new normal”. If they think that staying home, losing your job, getting scared after going to the grocery and loosing your sanity is normal then they must live with such privilege. This really is not for everyone. And I still hope that we get back to what used to be normal.

Just came across this tweet a few days back where this girl was talking about how some people have big dreams but can’t afford to make it happen (I feel sad for not being able to find this tweet again). I agree with this thought of hers, not everyone is as privileged as others to afford to follow their dreams right away. I gotta say I can relate to those kind of people. We hold back to the things we want because we can’t afford it. And I hate the fact that some people judge those who don’t follow their dreams, I mean pwede naman na hindi pa nila kaya gawin, diba? Hindi naman lahat ng tao mayaman para maabot yung gaano kataas na pag-aaral. I know it’s all about YOLO and everything but some people are just being practical about how the world is right now. Everything is not cheap and everything has a price. I also hate that other people keep holding on to the finances of their parents and always get what they want. It doesn’t happen like that when you get to the real world. It’s not always in a snap that your parents can give you what you want. They don’t poop out money. There will come a time where you have to sustain yourself. Super hanga nga ako sa mga tao na nakaranas na mawalan ng lahat. They really know how to handle life. But if you’re the person who has everything all plated out for you, then good for you. You’re one of the lucky ones who can be successful in a snap. Some of us need to take time and some of us don’t really get to have it. Because that’s life.

I do just hope that those who can afford the luxury of being able to reach their dreams to not look down on those who can’t. Don’t judge someone who sacrifices their dreams to be stable, they’re just thinking of how to survive the life they have now.

I hope some of you guys can relate to this ‘cause not everyone is as lucky as the others and I just wanted to point that out. I also hope that others won’t take this post the wrong way, I’m not bashing anyone or trying to hit someone with this post. I’m also not hating on those who are fortunate enough to follow what their hearts desire. I hope everyone understands. :)

Sorry if this is in taglish, I just wanted to be able to express what I really wanted to say and that’s the only way possible for me.

[Picture not mine]

Before heading out to my thoughts on Arakawa under the bridge here is a short summary of what it’s all about.

[Disclaimer: For the nth time I am no expert on wiring reviews I just want to share my thoughts or feelings about this anime and hopefully it can help fellow anime lovers in finding what anime to watch]

Kou Ichinomiya is the son of a wealthy businessman who holds firm belief in his elite status. As such, he is determined to avoid becoming indebted to anyone; but one day, after a run-in with some mischievous kids on Arakawa Bridge, he ends up falling into the river running underneath. Luckily for him, a passerby is there to save him—but now, he owes his life to this stranger!

Angered by this, Kou insists on paying her back, but this may just be the worst deal the arrogant businessman has ever made. The stranger—a stoic, tracksuit-wearing homeless girl known only as Nino—lives in a cardboard box under the bridge and wants only one thing: to fall in love. Asking Kou to be her boyfriend, he has no choice but to accept, forcing him to move out of his comfortable home and start a new life under the bridge!

(Credits to myanimelist.net)

Honestly I watched this anime out of curiosity. When I found it back then I was like, WTF is this and why are the characters like that. And immediately watched it. And when I was watching it I was like, WTF am I watching!? Arakawa under the bridge was really random and weird but it was hilarious I couldn’t stop watching it. It’s the kind of anime where it has no particular story but has a flow, I hope you guys get it. It’s as if someone was high making it. But I do like how the main protagonist is sane and he can see that everything around him was bizarre! He questioned the system that was happening under the bridge and the people.

This anime is really good for those who are having a bad day, every episode is just so funny. The art is also really good! I don’t really have a comment on the flow of the story because it was just really random. The humor of it did reminded me of School Rumble. It was just so random but it was good. If it does have deep meaning to it though let me know. I might just understood it the wrong way. Or I just over analyzing things.

It’s a two thumbs-up for me. But it you’re the type who likes serious dramatic anime then this isn’t for you. You might just judge it.

Another blog post again from me about the reality of how my adulting life is hurtful and hard. Today’s entry is a little related to my previous entry, please feel free to read it before continuing with this one (shameless plug).

I’ve been thinking lately on what I’ve probably gotten wrong with the interviews I’ve been through. As stated in my previous adulting blog I’ve already gotten through a final interview with a company (this was probably about a few weeks ago). Unfortunately I didn’t get in. Sad, I know. After sulking for days about it I’ve realized what I did wrong. And it actually applied to all of the interviews I’ve encountered. The question “Tell me something about yourself”, the starter of all interviews. For some people it’s probably the easiest question ever. And I feel that it should be. But no, not for me. It opened my eyes to how much I have absolutely no idea who I am as a person. I’m 20 years old and I don’t know who I am. It took me 19 years to actually figure out what my hobby was. Dude! 19 years and I have absolutely no idea what I like doing when I have free time. And pinterest actually made me realize it. I feel horrible about this. I feel lost. I mean at this age I should at least know what I like to do. So here’s what I did, I tried to fix this problem of mine, I made a list of things I actually do and enjoy. As a person who actually likes to journal I know that I should constantly do it. But there aren’t rules to doing a journal, right? That’s why I’m thankful for pinterest for introducing to me a ton of things I could journal about. Anyway, going back to this thing I did, as I was making the list it me realize that I actually have a lot of things that I like doing. I mean watching anime and movies is an actual hobby (not joking guys). I think being 20 and still being confused is all good. It’s still such a young age. There really isn’t much about growing up too fast. Age really is just a number and we should not stress about it. I’m 20 and confused but I’m slowly getting to know myself better.

That’s about it for now. ‘Til my next blog, bye!

[Picture not mine]

Hello hello! I’m actually really excited to write about this anime. Just remembering it gave me the shivers. But before I get to it here is a little summary.

[Disclaimer: this is my third anime review and again I’m not an expert of making/writing reviews I just want to express what I feel about the anime]

Satoru Fujinuma is a struggling manga artist who has the ability to turn back time and prevent deaths. When his mother is killed he turns back time to solve the mystery, but ends up back in elementary school, just before the disappearance of his classmate Kayo.

(Credits to animenewsnetwork.com)

Now for my thoughts, this anime is two thumbs up for me. If I actually have more than two thumbs I would put them up for this show. The story is really unique or I just got used to watching really cheesy anime’s. But Erased is really one of a kind. The whole concept of it is just mind blowing. The plot twists at the end and how things turned out to something you would never think would actually happen, happened. You would have moments where you’ll be maybe it’s him but think otherwise (I’m gonna try and make this review not spoil any of what happened in the anime, I promise you!). I actually watched this anime all in one day. I would watch one episode after another. Every episode was very thrilling, it’ll get you to eagerly want to know who the bad guy is. I’m actually quite speechless for this anime from the storyline down to the artwork. The artwork and graphics was really on point. For the ending, it was okay for me as well. Not a cliffhanger, it ended well and I think it was the best idea that they ended it like that.

Shall I repeat myself for giving it a two thumbs up? It really is guys and you definitely have to watch it. It’s only twelve (12) with twenty-three (23) minutes for each episode. I know you’ll like it even if you’re not the type who actually likes mystery animes. I’m the type of person who mostly watch shoujo animes but this anime made me want to watch more of the mystery genre.