We’re All Sisyphus

If I'd sat here long enough, and parsed it all apart, I think I could have guessed that part of it is that he makes you sad. He makes me sad, too. He wasn't always like this, ya know. They never are but when we first met he was... more like you are now, honestly. He was gentle and kind; he wanted to build a life. He made me feel safe once. He didn't really drink much back then. He'd party with friends or his brother but it never made me worry. The last 5-6 years have been unkind to him and now he has become unkind to me. He is unkind to me. It's a lot to admit. It's a lot not to feel deep, crushing shame about, and god I do feel shame. For staying and trying to love an alcoholic who hasn't been kind, for being my mother, for being trapped by circumstances because I trusted him. For trusting him.

Could it have been different between you two? Maybe. But I don't think so. You're right that you got here when I needed you most and he was never going to enjoy watching someone else make me truly happy because he knows that the man he is right now doesn't, and can't, make me happy like that. I want rehab to work. I want him to go to therapy and start learning and processesing and being better because all those things will be good for him. It remains to be seen if they'll be good for me. I wish I felt more hopeful. When you ask people what the opposite of love is they often say hate. But hate is love soured with anger. Hate can be undone. Enemies to lovers aint a classic trope for nothing. No, the opposite of love is apathy and when he left this morning I just felt.... relief and nothingness.

I fear I am every bad thing he has ever said I am. I fear still needing out sooner rather than later and not being able to go. I fear waking up mostly alone for the rest of my life. I fear I will never be healed enough to completely trust anyone ever again. I fear that all of it will make you leave.

Yes I want to marry you.

Yes I want to be your wife.