COFFEEBERRYLILI

Jemanden zu Lieben ist wie Anfangen zu rauchen. Du weißt das es dich umbringen kann , wirst aber trotzdem süchtig

I have a confession to make. Last week i walked into a liquor store and bought a nip of pineapple vodka. I had been thinking of drinking for a few days. Fantasizing about the numbness. I wanted to be drunk and not feel everything that i was. I wanted my mind to be quiet, i wanted relief. I walked into the liquor store with my heart and thoughts racing. I knew that i didn’t belong in there but I got a thrill of being so close to substance. I had a plan to drink and go out into NYC and find the real drugs. I figured the alcohol would quiet my sober thoughts. Make it easier to make the very painful decision to use. Relapse for me isn’t simple it causes me extreme emotional distress because i fucking want it so bad while wanting to never have it again at the same time. I walked out of the store and took it out of the bag. A tear came down my face as i opened it. I held it up to my mouth, paused and smelled the vodka. FUCK! I had a life altering decision to make in about 3 seconds. I don’t know how i found the strength but I threw it hard onto the cement so the bottle broke. I felt as broken as the pieces that I stared at on the ground. I walked away, holding back the hysterics because I was in public but I was fucking scared. I’m terrfied of my addict mind at times because I know addiction will kill me if i let it.

“The best way to get things done is simply to begin.”

I feel like when we were growing up, we were told that addicts and alcoholics were these bad people with no real direction in life. We were taught to “Just say no to drugs!” And if you didn’t, you would end up looking like you were 68 instead of 28. They left out the part that worst thing about addiction isn’t losing everything you have but losing yourself.