life between lines

Wednesday

I’ve started a new workout challenge and hope that my commitment is relentless enough to keep my streak running. I will try to show up for myself everyday and even when I achieve nothing for the day, this act alone will carry me through the lackluster lackadaisical passage of time. I’m listening to Blue and Sentimental on Spotify because Pyperbleu is also playing it. I adore and love Annabelle so much. She’s by far my favorite YouTuber because of her genuine unassuming personality, mature thoughts, creativity, dorkiness, cuteness, exquisite sense of style and aesthetics. Watching her clips is like watching an art piece unfolding, melting away the tensions in your body and replacing that with a palpable sense of calmness and clarity. Oh how I crave for these states of being these days.

I listened to Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur during my evening stroll yesterday. Poems that are dedicated to heartbreak, resentment and healing, they moved me tremendously and set me free. I feel in love again, starting first with myself. Let the process begin.

“I’m undoing you

from my skin”

"don't mistake

salt for sugar

if he wants to be with you

he will

it's that simple"

"you cannot leave

and have me too

i cannot exist in

two places at once

-when you ask if we can still be friends"

"do not bother holding on to

that thing that does not want you

-you cannot make it stay"

"accept that you deserve more

than painful love

life is moving

the healthiest thing

for your heart is

to move with it"

“we began with honesty let us end in it too - us”

“if you were born with the weakness to fall you were born with the strength to rise”

“people go but how they left always stays”

“you look at me and cry everything hurts i hold you and whisper but everything can heal”

“Let it go, let it leave, let it happen. Nothing in this world was promised or belonged to you anyway.” 

“i will tell you about selfish people. even when they know they will hurt you they walk into your life to taste you because you are the type of being they don’t want to miss out on. you are too much shine to not be felt. so when they have gotten a good look at everything you have to offer. when they have taken your skin your hair and your secrets with them. when they realize how real this is. how much of a storm you are and it hits them. that is when the cowardice sets in. that is when the person you thought they were is replaced by the sad reality of what they are. that is when they lose every fighting bone in their body and leave after saying you will find better than me. you will stand there naked with half of them still hidden somewhere inside you and sob. asking them why they did it. why they forced you to love them when they had no intention of loving you back and they’ll say something along the lines of i just had to try. i had to give it a chance. it was you after all. but that isn’t romantic. it isn’t sweet. the idea that they were so engulfed by your existence they had to risk breaking it for the sake of knowing they weren’t the one missing out. your existence meant that little next to their curiosity of you.”

“did you think i was a city big enough for a weekend getaway i am the town surrounding it the one you've never heard of but always pass through there are no neon lights here no skyscapers or statues but there is thunder for i make bridges tremble i am not street meat i am homemade jam thick enough to cut the sweetest thing you lips will touch i am not police sirens i am the crackle of a fireplace i'd burn you and you still couldn't take your eyes off of me cause i'd look so beautiful doing it you'd blush i am not a hotel room i am home i am not the whiskey you want i am the water you need don't come here with expectations and try to make a vacation out of me”

Tuesday

I feel slightly better today, my head clear, my heart light. I’m on my last day of 2-week shred challenge and though I don’t see a drastic change in the way my body looks, I feel stronger, lighter, more nimble and full of love for myself especially since I develop a liking for green eating. So I shall continue with my workout routine and maybe try a new challenge. I also want to slowly and steadily incorporate meditation into my way of life and bring about calmness and mindfulness that I can draw from in desperate time. 

I talked to H about my current affairs and confided in her my frustration and sadness. I’m glad I did that. Talking out loud your troubles to someone that genuinely care for you is cathartic and healing at the same time. She repeatedly told me that we both deserved the best and that she would not let me settle for a second-graded person. She has always been my number one advocate, a tiny figure but packed with wisdom and kindness and the best thing is she won’t hesitate to tell me the truth, even the ugly ones that I tend to ignore as I am carried away with good feelings. What a blessing to have our paths crossed some 12 years ago. I hope we will be by each other’s side for many more years to come.

Monday

I’ve been swinging like a cute erratic pendulum - on one hand, I want to give QT his own taste of poison, i.e. the silence treatment which might fit well in his plan, on the other hand, I want to confront him and shed some lights on this recent change of hearts. Do I think either option will make any difference to the current situation and outcome? I don’t think so. Since I don’t talk about this with anyone else, I resort to taking advice from the internet of course with a pinch of salt. The majority is of the opinion that there’s no point wasting energy and time with the person that is not courageous and mature enough to handle a difficult conversation and set things straight, that prioritises his feelings over others. So probably 6 years of age difference doesn’t really amount to anything. This is me being bitter, frustrated with a propensity for cynicism, and envious with the love birds around me. But this is also me giving myself time and space to heal and learn from this experience but still hold onto that irrational optimism that true love does exist.

Saturday

I have been gathering my thoughts and feelings since a mild episode of obsession descended upon me since last weekends. I don’t like this bit of processing a quasi-breakup, all because neither of us dare or care to say the words. So I’m still in denial and I know I need to get out of that headspace and acknowledge the presence of uneasy feelings that build up in my chest and unrelenting questions that pop in my mind if I want to move on without closing up my heart entirely. It’s harder this time because it’s been a while since I clicked with someone so well, though not all the time, but by far the best. I realise I have been in love multiple times but not in relationships because if the later, it doesn’t have to be this hard and I don’t need to convince myself that I am not being taken for granted every now and then. If this is the way QT chooses to end things between us, i.e. ghosting me, he’s no longer the man I adore and think of so highly. It will be such a shame that he leaves someone with true feelings in the lurch while there is a better option to part ways on amicable terms. I think we owe each other at least that. So when the time is right (which I hope should be soon), I will stop investing in this bond between us that already starts to fade into oblivion. 

Saturday

‘Tis the linen season.

After my morning workout and partial French practice (the bare minimum effort to continue my streak and I can always complete the lesson by EOD, not ideal but as long as I can keep the momentum going), I put on my favorite beige linen top from Uniqlo, blue jeans, straw hat, brown shoes and ton-sur-ton lipstick. I felt so full of life being in the sun and couldn’t help smiling to myself as I spot the light dancing on the patio, glistening on the trees and trailing my happy feet. Except for mushroom which I recently have developed constant craving for (I eat it everyday), I decided to buy other types of legumes (taro, eggplant, squash noodles), fruits (lychee!) and consumables (quinoa, ginger tea latte mix), all of which set me back by $45. I probably will not renew my Instacart subscription given the proximity of grocery shops around my new place and I’m still very much into the physical pleasures of faire les courses. 

I indulged myself with Formacha milk tea yesterday after the evening walk because it was either that or a tub of Haagen Dazs matcha ice cream and I convinced myself that the former was a healthier option and wouldn’t run the risk of calling onto me like a siren from the freezer compartment. And since I’m in such a good mood this morning, I find it hard to say no to a good cup of coffee. I ordered one Americano to go with strawberry scone from De Mello Cafe and am slowly devouring both while writing this.

Friday

On a hot day, my room is stuffier than the kitchen for some reason. I think it has to do with the lack of ventilation so I leave the sliding door half open. I have watered the tomato tree and put it near the big window pane in the kitchen where the sunlight is more toned down. That’s what I tell myself, I may need to check in the plant once in a while. I finished Atomic Habits yesterday and forgot to cancel my Amazon prime trials. I’ve just checked again, apparently I still have today to change my mind. There is a very slim chance I can finish the remaining season of Downtown Abbey in less than 15 hours so I may succumb to paid subscription this one time (I hope). But I also hate the idea of yielding to temptation and overindulgence. 

Thursday

I’m just gonna jot down a quick note because gods forbidden, I have an 8AM call in 15 minutes. Our sleep was brutally interrupted by the blaring fire alarm at 3AM. This is the second time within a week that we were set in an alarmed state (first incident was when G and H attempted to make popcorn on the stove which quickly turned into a smoky experiment), reinforcing my preference for owning a landed house for better chance of survival if anything ever happens. I’m not sure which one is more conspicuous, the flashing light or the piercing sound. We watched the fire trucks come and go and it seemed like the opposite building also had the alarms triggered on some floors though we initially thought it was the reflection of our alarms on their windows. After 10 minutes, the concierge announced that everything was alright and I went back to sleep and mildly resent the disruption to my dream. I was dreaming about QT.

Wednesday

According to Fitbit, I had a somewhat good sleep last night though I’m pretty sure I had fervently tossed and turned  in my bed the whole night. I can still feel the essence of last night dreams encasing me, inches away from my skin, letting me breath but with some force of restraint. I drew the blinds when it stopped raining and the sky resumed its benign look. At one point, I turned off all the lights and stared at the dark sky, at the lightning streaks that crisscrossed the canvas like an artist’s abstract work, setting ablaze one corner then another then altogether. It was so fascinating to observe from the comfort of my bed. As I closed my eyes and drifted into slumber, I could see light puncturing the thin layer of my eyelids. It reminded of that afternoon in Punggol Waterway when I and T took shelter in a hut during a pouring rain. We wanted to ride around the park, check out Coney Islands and see a waterbody so we took 1.5-hour northbound train ride to the last station of the purple line. I remembered checking the weather forecast beforehand and decided to take chances. A little rain wouldn’t hurt. Until we realised that we were the tallest objects in the open space. From our hideout, we had unobstructed view of the lightning striking from afar and with the added sound effect of rumbling thunder, we got quite nervous at first but as we waited out the rain, we might as well enjoy the view. I turned on my Spotify playlist. I wonder if it was a summer tune.

Tuesday

I wake up to a cloudy day and if I still have any bit of sleepiness within me, it evaporates the instant my feet touch the cold hardwood floor. My sleep score shows some improvement, which makes sense since I went to bed early last night and had a quite uninterrupted sleep. I finish the first workout and save the remaining 3 for the late evening. I want to slowly enjoy my morning and go through my already ambitious routine, there’s no need to introduce the pressure of limited time versus forever growing repertoire of endeavors into the equation. I like wearing my bluetooth ear pieces while prepping breakfast so I can listen to a quick recap of current affairs. By the time I sit down with my french toast, I already transition into the Discover Weekly playlist from Spotify and drop them into my playlists that correspond to my various moods.

On a business note, we receive the official announcement that the NA office won’t open until at least September 8. Well I guess my birthday month will be a month of celebration and reunion. It’s high time that I got a decent work desk or else my back will suffer from this extended state of new normalcy. I have my eyes on an IKEA design but it’s gonna take at least 6 weeks to get it delivered T.T

Monday

When darkness falls, my window panes become an almost black canvas, tainted by the light noise from the windows of opposite structures and the top of CN tower blinking from afar. When I turn on my standing lamp, my silhouette assumes a higher definition and soon enough, I’m hypnotised by my very own movement of torso and limbs, every part that extends in and out in accordance with an impromptu dance or simple stretch and flex. My short-haired silhouette looks lighter than before though I can’t say for sure that how physics work. I wonder if my silhouette looks back at me with the same curious and adoring eyes.

Sunday

Here I am distracting myself with journaling while the caramelized short ribs are slowly cooked on the stove (I followed the recipe by Vanh Khuyen and was glad to re-purpose the nylon bags I reluctantly hoarded from the market until I find a greener solution). I need to flip them over every 5 minutes so the alarm is about to sound off anytime now. The dish should last me a few meals next week and I’m already salivating at the thought of it though it will be super hard to portion control. I made aglio olio pasta with prawn, broccoli and mushroom yesterday, another comfort dish. I did another round of groceries shopping (faire des courses) this morning (man, I feel like I sure know how to pamper myself with food since quarantine) mainly to get fish sauce, olive oil and honey and somehow my grocery bag was extra weighed down with a snack, a garlic butter bar, a peanut butter jar (can’t deny I love how that rhymes :D) on the way back. 

After browsing through different kinds of shears on Amazon and DIY haircuts on Youtube, I decided to prolong this overdue endeavor no longer. I grabbed my normal scissor, my heavy duty kitchen scissor, the tiny hand mirror and several elastic bands. After estimating the length I aimed for, I took a deep breath and gave them a rather tormenting snip. The right side suffered a minor misshapen as towards the end, the elastic band came off and so a section of my hair was cut at a slant angle and in no way even or relevant with the rest. With lots of arm twisting and attempts to conjure the images of how my hands looked from above, behind, sideways, I could sense something resembling that of a mildly crooked straight line. I was super happy with the result and spent no more than 5 seconds to requiem for 10cm of hair that went into the bin. The bathroom floor was littered with hair of all lengths and I did my best to clean up as the vacuum cleaner went sparky on me (it worked the next morning. i’m glad that I called help from my housemates). I took a shower and applied Moroccan oil to my damp hair. I called my mom and showed her my masterpiece. I guess it if turned out badly, I could always have the option to tie it into a bun to look humanly presentable. It’s not like my life depends on the symmetry or geometry of my hair so I took a chance and walked away a happy man.

Saturday

Where do I even begin? Yesterday came like a whirlwind with lots of things to take in. Good things, I must clarify. For lunch, I had the last batch of Thai green curry with also my very last noodle packet. I managed to plow through the entire 4 clips of day 3 workout. I smelled hideous and dripped with sweat at the end but felt invigorated at the same time. After finishing my dinner bowl (oven-baked cauliflower, mushroom, carrot, pork belly, brown rice flakes, pumpkin seeds mixed well with chimichurri sauce), I headed out for a walk. Still afresh from afternoon rain, everything looked so lush and vibrant as they elegantly swayed in the wind as if being caressed with the slightest touch. I took pictures of bushes of leaves and tiny little white flowers, a peony flower (I guess) in the shade of pink, an interesting-looking joint of leaves seen from below. I discovered a residential section that was rather isolated with its own generous patches of green where kids could freely roam about on their bikes and it made a lovely walk from one end to the other on any day. My heart jumped at the sight of maple trees with their signature symmetric leaf’s shape. I could already see a hint of yellow dotted on the green canvas, reckoning that autumn was contemplating its move. I did a quick run to the grocery stores and felt like trying something new this weekend so I bought garlic naan, salami, kale from the marketplace and different types of mushroom from the fresh market this morning and will attempt to make pizza later. Let’s see how that’s gonna turn out.

Because it was Friday, I decided to treat myself with a scoop of pistachio gelato from an ice cream shop on Mt Pleasant. As I was fishing out my phone to make payment, I got a call from CC. She wanted to personally deliver the goods news that our ultimate goal for the year had been achieved, a feat that I couldn’t believe we managed to pull off (partially yes, but not entirely) given the ever changing circumstances. I wanted to imprint the flavor of pistachio with this wonderful feeling and my super big grin in between spoonfuls of sweetness. It was not the best gelato in my books of favorites but it was part of this celebratory moment and hence, was good by default. We also said goodbye to the EY folks, one of whom was about to embark on another journey. I felt very much humbled and blessed to call them colleagues and friends and will always cherish the fond memories of the past year. I can’t wait to see the things we will accomplish this year. 

Friday

SpaceX launch was cancelled yesterday due to weather condition. Note to self to read more about space and man’s attempt to decipher and venture into it.

Thursday

My french toast is not toasted enough as the eggy coat is not fully cooked. The slice of bread was rather big and the mushroom kinda soaked up all the garlic butter in the pan. Maybe I can be more generous with the butter tomorrow to allow more cooking time. It’s still yummy nevertheless and this fool-proof breakfast has already got me off on a good start.

It’s a slightly chill morning, a welcoming feeling on my skin as the past 2 days have been so hot that night becomes my knight in armor (QT showed no appreciation of my pun). I’ve switched to Chloe Ting’s workout and am curious to see if there will be any transformation after 2 weeks. Provided I don’t go bonker with my wishy washy diet. It’s super hard to summon my willpower sometimes. I hope as I’m more diligent with my writing routine, this habit will permeate into other areas of my life too.

We had a night call with our colleagues in HK. K is such a ball of fun. I love his energy and sassiness, which further re-affirms the blessing of working with great minds and kind souls. 

Wednesday

Tuesday

Slow day at work yesterday. I finished my review queue so now I can focus on the upcoming projects and see how I’d like to do it differently this time. I cooked a big batch of Thai curry chicken and ate two bowls of rice for dinner because it was so good. I should do more exercise than just the abs workout if I want to keep other body parts in check as well. I had fancied for a run yesterday but the hot weather and the thought of squeezing myself into running pants while I could still taste my dinner every time I burped wasn’t very charming. Is it supposed to be though? Je dois faire du sport.

I finished Lost in Translation right before bedtime and I thought it would have taken me longer. Turned out the book was full of illustrations and a short paragraph to explain the untranslatable words. This rekindles my polyglot dream now that I’m aware of such beautiful notions in other languages. I’ve been making decent progress with my French, I can pick up certain words from listening to songs or news and blabbering with QT in my broken French does help a lot as he corrects me or breaks things down for me. Oh I stumbled upon a blog named “The Present Writer” and have a feeling that I will like what I read.