Life of S

My last blog post (a whopping four months ago) ended with, “And maybe I’ll even get the motivation to blog between now and then.” “Then” being ~graduation~. Well, I’ve since graduated college and wrote no post between “now” and “then.” But that’s okay, because I FREAKING GRADUATED. Yippee! That sacred day, I got an email from the government telling me I officially entered my grace period for paying back my student loans. They truly wasted no time whatsoever. After the whole shebang, I made the trek back home, which went swimmingly, and I laid low for a few weeks--relaxed, read, played with the pups, unpacked, and caught up on some much needed sleep. There was a week in that roughly 4-week period where I went out 6 out of 7 consecutive nights. That was seriously out of character for me, but I had to get it all out of my system before I really started adulting. And finally my loafing about the house ended and I went back to work. Literally the day before graduation, I received news that I had been selected to be an intern at this amazing small press. This news couldn’t have come at a better time. With graduation looming over me, I was starting to freak out a bit about my future, what I would do if nothing I applied for worked out, how I would make money, etc. But then that happened and I was elated. I couldn’t contain my excitement and I did a little happy dance. In the midst of graduating and returning home, I began applying for jobs, and one day I received an email from a previous employer asking me to come back to work for them. The pay was good (and better than the jobs I had applied for), plus the job was focused in marketing and I was happy to use my creative skills. The internship has been going quite well. I recently completed my first design project, and have been jumping at ever opportunity given to help out the staff. I’m already learning a lot, which is great considering I came into it was a pretty solid base knowledge. There are four interns total and we all have overlapping days with each other. It’s a bit odd for me, because my last internship I never even met the one other intern. It’s strange to see my competition, to see and hear where these other young people came from academically. I like to think I came into this internship with more direct publishing knowledge and experience, but I also don’t want to underestimate them. Just because I came in with the experience doesn’t mean they’re any less. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m not as amazing as I think I am. And the marketing job is floating along nicely, too. I’m in the office only two days a week there, so I need to be extra productive during that time. I have the ability to work from home on some projects, which helps. I enjoy what I’m doing there--redesigning and updating their website, putting together a customer publication, and assisting in all of the little things. It’s great experience for me, considering I didn’t get a degree in marketing and there are so many jobs out there in that field. Plus, this company has shown such an interest in me as a person and worker that they’ve said they’d love to continue working with me after my internship ends. In an ideal world, the press I’m interning with would see me as so valuable they’d love to keep me on. But the chances of that happening are so slim that it’s silly to even think about. So this other company is a perfect fall back. I’m comfortable there because I’ve worked there now for 3+ summers and I’ve already made lots of connections with various people and departments. It wouldn’t be ideal, but I’d be making okay money and would be continuing to develop my knowledge of marketing. In recent weeks, I’ve also been contemplating starting in on some type of passion project. I keep going back and forth between different ideas. Part of me really wants to start a blog, and this seems like the best fit right now the more and more that I think about it. But I also really enjoy making books, binding them myself, and starting an etsy shop where I sell them would be a fun hobby too. This, however, is pretty spendy and risky (there’s no guarantee anybody would buy it, and then it’s almost like wasted time and money). Which is why a blog seems more appealing. Sure, I’m still spending money (to buy a domain, theme, etc.) and spending time (to write the posts), but at the end of the day I’ve got a portfolio of writing to showcase and I’m honing my craft. It’s a better fit from a writer’s perspective, but also when thinking about jobs and resumes and portfolios. Starting a blog is also incredibly daunting for me though. In the past, I’ve started blogs on a burst of inspiration--one night where I really felt the need to showcase my writing and my ideas and creative work. In those cases, I would create the blog quickly and for free, write a few posts throughout a couple of weeks, and get disinterested within a matter of a month or two. It’s always been difficult for me to keep up with a blog. In all of those times, I had been a student where I had classes to attend but also piles of homework and extracurricular responsibilities. Now that I’ve graduated I have a bit more free time in the evenings to focus on other things--like a blog or website or just plain ol’ reading a good book. I’m not writing anymore because I’m not in school, and a blog would be the perfect remedy for that. The other factor in why my blogs have always failed in the past is that I was never deliberate enough with them. I dove right in without thinking them through, without a strategic plan. The idea of a blog has been bubbling for a short while now, and I’m starting to get some momentum in a theme, target audience, and mission. I do have a vision for what I want this blog to be. It’s something I’m passionate about. Something I think is important and that would contribute to the lives of the people who will read it (if anybody, but hopefully). It’s timely and a subject I hold dear. It would require research and knowledge about a subject I’m unfamiliar with, but that’s also part of the identity of the blog. I’m not supposed to be an expert in the subject, because I’m discovering and growing right along with my readers. Maybe that’s a silly plan to not be starting a blog centered on a subject I’m knowledgeable about? I’m not sure. But I think the way I want to do it opens me up to more discussions and growth and initiative and will really show possible future employers the kind of research and analysis I’m capable of. It may not give me a voice of true authority (I claim to be no expert), but it puts me on the same level with my intended reader, which can only help camaraderie. And along with the research, knowledge, and initiative, I want this blog to be personal. I don’t want it to just be facts and statistics and analysis. It needs to be about me as much as it is about the broader subject. That’s the only way for people to truly relate and understand and start to *maybe* make changes in their own lives. It starts with empathy and spans outward from there. I think this idea for a blog has true potential and it’s starting to round itself out. I don’t want to rush into it this time, though. I want to take my time fleshing out ideas, getting together a strategic plan and calendar, putting together a website, and (possibly) investing in a professional domain and theme. I want to write a few sample posts to see what it would be like to write weekly, how difficult it would truly be in the midst of work and general tiredness. And, of course, I need to figure out a kick ass blog name (actually the hardest part for me). There are so many moving parts, but I’m confident and hopeful that I can get them all moving at the same speed. So far, adulting is okay. --S

I’m getting really bad at this blogging thing. Not that anybody even reads these posts. I really just write and post for myself. So it’s been two months since the last, long post. Before that post it had been two months, too. I guess two months is my thing now. I feel like not much has really changed except that I’m now back at school. The last semester. Thank god it’s almost over. I’ve mostly loved the last few years and I always say that I miss school when I’m at home on break, but I’m seriously looking forward to leaving this place. I think I’m just really looking forward to the next stage in my life, even if that’s still hugely undecided. I’m just ready for a change. I’m ready to be home for good. To be able to see my family and pets whenever I want. Or at least to have that ability to go back home. It’s crazy to think that I went away so eager to leave them all behind. Sure, I was a bit sad about not being able to see them, but I was also extremely happy to have no obligations to them. I had full freedom. I still do, and I will for the rest of my life. I guess with age my perspective has change. I see that family means more to me than I had thought when I left. They’re the ones who are always there for you, cheering you on from the sidelines and being a shoulder to cry on when things don’t go well. I had taken that for granted before, and now that I haven’t had that for 3 some years, I realize how much it meant to me, how much that mattered. FaceTime and texting isn’t the same as the real thing. So far this semester has been incredibly busy. I feel like I say that every semester, but this semester has been even more crazy than the past 6. I’m still taking 6 classes like always, but two of the six are my senior capstone courses. The amount of work required by each of those so far has been unprecedented. I did not expect to be doing quite so much work outside of class. So classes have been a bit of a challenge, but I’m making do the best that I can. Then, there’s my shitty shitty job. Oh how I hate it. I’m working at a grocery store in the deli department. I slice people’s meats and cheeses and make sandwiches for them, like a Subway. It sucks and it’s also incredibly ironic considering I’ve chosen to not eat meat. Slicing meat is the worst--and not just because of the being vegetarian thing. Slicing cheese is the second worst. Making sandwiches isn’t half bad. If all I had to do all day was make sandwiches, I’d be okay. Then, there’s dealing with customers. *eye roll* The standards for treating customers at this place is ridiculous. If a customer is within 10 feet, you’re required to say hello, acknowledge their presence. If they come up to your counter, you need to address them within 10 seconds. If they want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you need to make them one even though we don’t make PB&Js. We have to be peppy & smiley, which is (of course) just my cup of tea. I hate it. I hate it so much. I’ll be quitting soon, though, which is what gets me through the day. One day at a time, I tell myself. The only reason I’m still working there is because the extra money does help. What with a car loan to pay, I realize I need to have some sort of income to support that. I also realize that school comes first, along with my mental health, and between hating it and being mentally exhausted most of my days, I think quitting sooner rather than latter is a necessity. I can get by with what I have. It’s possible, it just may mean being more particular about what I do spend my money on. There have been no developments in my friend or boy arenas. I’ve very much just been sticking to myself these past few weeks. And honestly, it’s not solely out of desire; I’ve seriously just been way too busy. Even so, a lot of my friends at school graduated last spring so there aren’t even as many around. I’m just laying low, relaxing when I can, and am enjoying being by myself. I like that I’m not somebody who needs another person to function in public. I can hold my own in a public space by myself. Hell, I went to the beach for several hours the other day and I was alone. All I needed to occupy myself was a good book. So that’s my life in a nutshell right now. A few short months away and I’ll be a college graduate. Maybe I’ll find the motivation to blog between now and then, but we’ll see.

Man, it’s been awhile. I haven’t necessarily felt a need to blog about shit. But actually it’s because I’ve been too exhausted to. Skimming through the past couple of posts finally makes some sense to me. No energy. Sad. Weight gain. Little motivation. Off-putting attitude. Depression? Nope! A thyroid hormonal imbalance! I went to the doctor a few weeks ago because this weird lump/bump thing was developing on my lower neck. That bump is still there, and I’m still trying to figure out what that is. But going to the doctor and hearing about all my symptoms, she decided to run some blood work and ordered--among other things--a thyroid test. Lo and behold, I was producing more THS (thyroid-stimulating hormone) than normal (aka, hypothyroidism). An over-production of THS leads to fatigue, weight gain, feelings of sadness, sensitivity to cold, weakness, and irritability--all these things I had been experiencing for the past several months. I was glad to finally have a medical basis for all of these shitty symptoms. With one tiny hormone pill each morning before breakfast, I can finally get back to my normal self. It might take a bit of time to get there, but I soon will. Summer is basically already half over (absolutely crazy). Time goes by so fast, it seems, always. I’m working roughly half the week at a garden center, doing what I always do. The other half I’m at the internship. Both of them can be summed up as meh. The garden center job is fine. I’m making more money than I have in the past which works perfectly considering I’m working there less days of the week. The problem is there is hardly anything for me to do. After all of the shitty filing jobs, there is sometimes still nothing for me to do. Not good. I like being busy, working in a fast-paced environment. My first summer working there was like that and I thrived. Now, I need to kick myself just to stay awake (or maybe that’s due to the thyroid thing?). I am getting to do some solid experiential things though, like building an employee newsletter and writing short marketing clips. After this summer, I’m honestly not sure I want to go back to worth there. I love all the people, but the job has just gotten to the point of almost being unnecessary. Perhaps I could find something closer to home? And the internship? Well, it’s meh for a variety of reasons. I’m not sure if I just have high expectations for what an internship ought to be or if it really does suck as much as it does. I do a lot of list projects, wherein I literally just google all day and transcribe information I find onto an excel document. Anybody could do what I’m doing. It’s bull. Very important to their business, but not something I can put on a resume. I don’t feel like I’m learning anything. Which, I should be, right? That’s literally the purpose of an internship--to learn about the industry and company you’re working in and for. Nobody has told me what their business is all about (even though I already know because I do my research). Nobody has explained how they charge their customers. Maybe I need to be asking more questions? I already have a fair amount of experience in this industry just based on my schooling. But there has got to be way more for me to learn. I want to be able to put real things on my resume after this internship, and right now there are only a couple of things I can think of. *long external sigh* In other news, I’ve become a vegetarian. Something I never thought I would ever say. But after reading an enlightening and eye-opening book, I realize there’s no way I can ethically and morally eat meat again. I’m still trying to figure out the logistics of it, but I’m starting out slow. (It’s only been a month after all.) I’m still eating fish and eggs, but over time I plan to phase those things out. I need to get my bearings first, eating without chicken, beef, turkey, sausage, etc. I think the ultimate goal is to become vegan--at least as far as my diet. Right now, I’m in search of vegetarian recipes. The hard part is finding foods that are healthful and not full of empty calories, starch, carbs, etc. I think the reason people think it’s so impossible to live on a vegetarian diet is 1) they’re misinformed, but also 2) they think all we eat are chips, cookies, cakes, pastas, etc. Things that don’t carry a lot of real benefit. But it’s not true, and I’ve come to love so many fruits, veggies, and grains I previously thought were nasty. Like mushrooms, for example. So delicious, I’m mad I never ate them before! It’s going on two months since I had a lick of meat, and though I do occasionally get a craving for something meaty, I’m holding on strong. There are so many other delicious foods to be eaten; I’ve barely scratched the surface. In other other news, developments have been had in the boy department of life. Strange things that I’m actually surprised I haven’t been more crazy-minded about. I met a boy on Tinder. (Yes, tinder. So judge me.) He’s super nice, sweet, enjoys doing lots of the same things I do, adventurous. We started out texting, of course, and eventually we met up. We got along well in person. He was fun to talk to and we vibed well, I thought. By our third date, I became less certain. I still enjoyed his company and I still wanted to hang out with him more, but I became less certain that I saw him as a romantic interest. He was constantly commenting on how well the weather was, just to fill silence. He neglected to ask me any questions about my family, life, etc., even though I asked him lots of those types of questions. My interest waned slightly, though I still think he’s a rad person and I totally want to hang out with him again--just not in a relationship context. It’s going to be my burden to broach the subject (which sucks because that shit is hard). I’m convinced I kind of already screwed it up because of a few text exchanges about how I don’t like to cuddle which is totally not true. I just wanted to make it clear I didn’t want to do that with him. *rolls eyes at my own stupidity* But whatever, I still mentioned I wanted to hang out with him again and he said he’s down, but doesn’t know when he’ll be free soon. So it’s 100% on him now. Ever since the cuddling message exchanges, it seems like he’s pulled away slightly. Even from the beginning I feel like I’ve definitely been the one making more of an effort. Whatever. Even if we do never see each other again and he never does text me, there’s really nothing lost. Then there’s summer boy. Remember him? From like two years ago? Well he made an appearance (albeit virtually) for a brief period. It all started when I posted a selfie that he liked & commented on. In short hand, he basically asked me where I was and for how long I’d be home. So I told him I was home until mid-August and that I’d be back for good in December. Maybe an hour after I told him that, he texted me. Pleasantries, how are you?, what’s new in your life?, what you been up to?, yadda, yadda. The texting was short and very much like catching up with someone you haven’t talked to in years. Then came my birthday wherein he texted me to say happy birthday. He invited me to come over to this huge music bash thing they were hosting at his place. I declined because I’m 100% not ready for that shit. But then I did something stupid and opened myself up to more invites. *rolls eyes again* This whole exchange was odd and strange. Facebook tells me he has a girlfriend still. I’m not really certain what his intentions were/are. I’m not thinking too much about it at the moment. Chances are he’ll forget about me once again. Lots has changed recently, which I’m sure you know by the length and juiciness of this post. To add another thing to the list, I quit my job being a trip leader at school. I sent the email a few weeks ago and got the obligatory “okay, good luck!” email back a few days later. It makes me sad to quit because I loved that job so much, but money matters and what with having just bought a car I need to find something that will offer a more consistent paycheck. Ultimately, I quit because of money. An added bonus was that now I don’t have to worry about my off-putting demeanor, decision making, and thoughts from a sub-par supervisor. I think quitting was definitely for the best, both for my wallet and mental sanity. I think in the end the job was causing more stress than it was worth. And yeah, another thing! I bought a car! My very first vehicle. Exciting times, growing up and all. I have a monthly payment of $230 or something like that so I’ll definitely be needing to have some type of income for the next five and half years so that I can pay that. And then in a few short months I’ll be graduating college and I’ll be out in the ~real~ world. Oh boy. Thinking that I’m going to be stepping away from academia and into the workforce is pretty intimidating. It’s such a different step and transition and I just hope it goes smoothly. I’m not too worried. I have a plan, which is more than most people. I’m confident I’ll find my way. Life always has a way of working out. --S

It makes me sad looking over some of my previous posts. I’m still sad. Maybe even more so than a few months ago. I think I just mask it and avoid those emotions by launching myself into other sorts of work and thoughts. It’s there, though, lingering in my subconscious. Tonight we had an awards banquet for work, and something about being there just made me want to cry. I know it’s a silly notion. Award banquet! Fun! But no. Because only a few select people won awards, and given everything that’s been going on at work recently, it felt odd being there. Almost like I didn’t deserve to be there. I’ve been thinking about quitting recently, mostly because of financial reasons, but also because I’m just not having fun and I’m not progressing. There’s something about this new professional staff hire that just irks me. I sense that something is off about her, that in some sort of way she doesn’t like me, but I can never seem to quite put a finger on it. Maybe our energies just don’t quite mesh all that well together, or maybe she does resent me for some reason. Either way, she’s a smaller factor in why I want to quit. At work, I’ve been told that I often come across as being a bit rude and unwelcoming. This new supervisor woman made us start doing verbal feedback after each shift--what we did well and what we could improve upon. After my only two shifts this semester, my verbal critiques pertained to my tone and attitude. Now, I’m naturally a dry and sarcastic person, and I recognize that sometimes I can be a bit intense and sharp. But the way that she’s zeroed in on these critiques makes me think that something else is going on. It goes back to the notion that she just doesn’t like me. Are other staff members being critiqued so harshly? I really doubt it. It’s one thing to be criticized for something that’s easy to fix--like acquiring certain skills. But changing ones personality is something completely different all together. I’m not bubbly. I’m not always going to have a smile on my face. I show my emotions, because faking seems horrible unnatural. There are times when I need to sensor those emotions, but how does one change that when wearing your heart on your sleeve is intrinsic to who you are as a person? I feel like I’ve been, in a way, attacked at work. Suddenly, I’m hearing all these things that I’ve been doing wrong. I’ve overstepped the authority of the leader, I’ve not been as peppy as they’d like me to be, I’ve made decisions that I believed in given the situation that turned out to be wrong. It’s been challenging these past couple of weeks. My judgement has been questioned over a one-time incident. My personality and demeanor has been criticized, making me feel inadequate simply because I’m different. I don’t know what to think or do anymore. A strong part of me wants to quit and not come back for my last semester. Another part realizes that it’s risky to quit. What if I don’t have luck finding another part-time position? I just don’t know what the right call is, and I have to make this decision soon. In a different area, I’m falling to sadness as well. A few summers ago, I lost quite a bit of weight. I lost it unhealthily, but I was finally starting to like my body and how it looked. In high school, I always made myself believe that I was attractive and had a nice body, when in reality I was a bit chubby (brought on by stress eating and being relatively sedentary). Freshman year didn’t help, when the options for on campus food sucked. I wasn’t super active, either, which just manifested in putting on more pounds. Even at my heaviest, I wouldn’t call myself fat. But I had a bit of chub in my stomach area and my upper arms were always a source of contention too. But then summer came along and I had too much pent up anxiety over a boy to bother to eat regularly, so I lost weight. Again, not healthy. But finally I was at a point where I felt good about myself--maybe not emotionally, but physically at least. And ever since I got over that romance, I’ve been eating more (as I should have been), I’ve been trying to eat healthier, yet I’ve put on weight in my stomach again. I wore a dress tonight that when I bought it, you could barely see my stomach. Tonight, I could. I poked out, and luckily it was a black dress otherwise my stomach chub would have been much more apparent. It was disheartening seeing that, and even if I haven’t actually gained that much weight, it makes me really sad to see my body changing for the worse. I want to get back to that skinnier self of a few summers ago. I felt healthy, and I liked feeling the skin wrap around my hip bones. I liked feeling the divet from my lower abs to my hips, to my thighs. It felt good. And now, it just feels depressing. I hate that I feel this way. I want to be somebody who embraces curves of all forms and who loves her body. But I can’t be this person. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever been that person. It’s saddening to see the progress I made, and then for it to all gradually go away. It’s a shitty feeling and I hope nobody ever has to go through something like that. So yeah, life’s been a bit of a struggle lately. I’m excited to get away from here for a while in a couple of weeks. To see my dog, to see some old co-workers and friends, and to (fingers crossed) be starting an internship at a company I really admire. Despite all the bad, there’s a lot of good that’s been happening lately, too, and I just have to keep thinking of this stuff. It’s the good things that carry me through. --S

Man, the past few weeks have been BUSY. I feel like I haven’t really had time to breath in about a month. It’s pretty much been nonstop school work, work work, internship work, fraternity work since I got here in January. Life kinda just blew up in my face. I’m managing to get things done though, which is always good news. I’ve really just been putting a diligent step forward and have been hunkering down to get the work done. Blegh. I like being busy, but sometimes I just can’t deal. The past two weeks have been hell for that reason. Soon enough, I’m sure my life will start to calm down slightly. I can’t wait until that corner is turned. --S

I’m not sure if I haven’t been very social because I’ve just been exhausted and sad. Or if it’s because mercury retrograde is currently happening. I didn’t realize it was in effect until a few weeks ago, and as soon as I found out everything started to make sense. My last week of break I had little energy, didn’t feel like doing a whole lot with friends/my family. And then getting back to school I’ve had very little desire to go out and hang out with people. Mercury retrograde? Or something else? I’m a bit scared that it’s actually something else. I don’t know, though. I’ve still got the motivation to get stuff done--like schoolwork and internship stuff. But I haven’t felt like being around other people. Not really. I’ve been getting headaches recently too. For awhile I thought it was because of the antibiotic I was on. But now, I’m not so sure, because I’ve been off of it for half a week and I’m still getting one ever so often. Nothing major, like a migraine. But just really annoying little bursts of pain. An ice-pick headache? I went to the gym today, too. Not because I wanted to but because I felt like I needed to. I think I’ve gained some weight over the past months, since summer. What’s sad is the only reason I lost weight was because I was so anxiety-ridden over a boy. And now I’m gaining weight because...??? Maybe because I’m sad. Part of me thinks this is it. I don’t like the way I’m going right now. It scares me. I’m sort of worried about myself, but nothing is severe enough to really make me take action. I’ve still got a positive outlook, I think. But I’m just...different. Who knows? Maybe it all just is mercury retrograde. --S

This winter break has really sucked, all things considered. I’m stuck doing a job that I despise, I had to put my dog down only a week after I got back, and it seems like my friends are slipping away from me. The dynamic in the friend group is changing--or maybe it’s not changing, but I’m changing. In the past, I’ve always felt like I’ve been one of the main people in the group. I’ve always been on the inside crowd--more or less--and it was always a fun time. To an extent, I think I still am. I never really saw our group as “clique-ish” but I’m realizing now that it is and likely has been for some time. Most of my friends went to a party last Saturday night, and even though I know now that it was more of an invite only deal, it still hurt to not even know about it until the next morning. I woke up to see snapchats of them they had posted to their stories, one of my guy friends even snapped me asking where I was (which I didn’t see until I woke up). It was a crappy way to start my day, and I hastily posted a tweet about how they forgot to invite me. The next day, at my friends 21st birthday bash, it was brought up and they had said the host personally texted them and invited them. The air that night was built up in palpable tension and I didn’t say anything directly about not being invited. After a while, the tensions lifted, but the confusion and hurt still hasn’t quite waned. From that, I realized that I’m beginning to be on the outs. I’m away at school and I rarely talk to my friends back home. Once in a while on social media maybe, but that’s it. Friendship is a two-way street, and while I’m not putting forth much effort, nobody else is either. The silences on both sides are telling me something: I’m outgrowing my friend group. None of them have the same interests as me. Some of them are vain and like to get drunk at every opportunity. A few seem shallow and superficial, only talking to you because they don’t want to be hated. Others have moved on entirely, living in a different city full time and not giving a fuck about what goes on with us. We’re all at this weird crux in our life where things are going to rapidly change--inevitably. I graduate in a year and I’ll start stage two of young adulthood. They’ll follow behind only a semester later. We’ll all be thrown into the “real world” around the same time, but will we make the leap together? A few months ago, I probably would have said yes to that question. Now I’m not so sure. I can feel a shift in my demeanor lately. I’m a bit quieter than usual. I want to throw myself into books and writing--despite sometimes finding that difficult. I’m pursuing activities that interest me, skills I want to get better at (namely, climbing, which I’ve been doing a decent amount of over break). At this point, I’m more future-oriented, thinking about how a year from now I’ll need to be looking for a big girl job. I’m constantly reminding myself that I need to get an internship this summer and that I need to start gathering up application materials. There’s a lot going on for me right now. *mental sigh* While the friend thing has been a bit of a downer, my job over break is even more infuriating. I thought I’d be doing a project of legitimate purpose and importance. Instead, I’m working on a project that seems more like busywork. The company I work for has all these duplicate customers (17,891 to be exact) and it’s been my job over break to sift through them all and get rid of as many as possible. The problem? There are all these rules that need to be followed, which makes sifting through the duplicates harder than just pressing a simple button. On top of that, the system takes forever to load, so a good half the day is spent just waiting on the computer. To my knowledge, there aren’t any precautions in place to prevent the duplicates from piling up again, so why the hell am I even getting rid of them now? It’s repetitive, boring, and a waste of my hard work ethic and brain power. The company is losing money by hiring someone to complete this, which will, by the way, take months to complete given the amount of duplicates. The total number of duplicates I’ve removed? 490.  Fucking stupid. But whatever. As my dad so often reminds me, at least I’m making money. And my wonderful old pal, Luke, died a week after I got back from school. My parents took him to the vet the day after I got back because he had been having a hard time breathing. They diagnosed him with pneumonia and gave him some super strong antibiotics that should have cleared up his issues. Five days later, he still hadn’t gotten any better. My parents called, and they were told to bring him to the emergency vet in the next town over. He ended up staying the night there in an oxygen filled kennel so he could breath better. They took some cell samples and sent it off to be analyzed. Later, they determined it was cancer. He apparently slept through the night and was doing okay in the morning. But then his health took a nose dive. I got a call around noon that he had to be put down, so I left work early and headed straight to the emergency center and met up with my family. We were all there in various stages of grieving. The deed hadn’t been done yet, but the sadness was already settling in. Half an hour later, my childhood dog was running around, chasing squirrels, up in doggy heaven. I remember feeling relief after he was out of his misery. He had looked so bad when they brought him in. His eyes drooped, he was gasping for air, and he was drugged up with some pain medication so he appeared somewhat out of it. We had to hold up a little oxygen tube next to his mouth. He smelled up sickness. The odor coated our fingertips, but none of us cared because Luke was dying. This would be the last time we’d ever see him, our playful, loving dog. When the doctor came in and put in the sedation serum, his body slumped, his panting ceased, his tail stopped wagging. A moment later, she checked for his heartbeat and declared that he had passed. All of our hands touched his body, knowing we’d never be able to feel his soft brown fur again. We snuggled into his body, feeling his warmth. I placed my finger along the bridge of his nose, a place he never allowed me to touch, and the moment felt special, sacred. Even now I can see his body so vividly, just laying on the ground in the doctor’s office. When I think about it now, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dead body--especially of a person that I’ve been particularly close to. I expected him to move, to perk right back up, look me in the eyes, give a little bark, stand up and start sniffing ferociously around the tiny room. But he just laid there unmoving, unfeeling, unhearing. After awhile, we left. There was nothing left to do except sign a few papers and go home. The house felt different afterwards. We looked at pictures of the crazy fellow and reminisced about the good times with our beloved dog. Our cat knew all along probably, and he didn’t seem much different. But our other dog, Jojo, is a sensitive little beast and knew all to seriously what had happened. She had no idea that the last time she’d ever see her best friend would be the prior afternoon. When we walked through the door, she looked around and lingered by the door, hoping and expecting Luke to be ambling in after us. But he didn’t, and she resorted to curling into a little ball on the couch. She didn’t eat for a few meals and got an upset stomach occasionally. She knew what had happened, and I think she’s still grieving his absence. In our own ways, we all are. So yeah, my break has pretty much sucked. And the question begs to be asked: am I ready for ILM or am I done with MSP? It may sound like the same thing, but I take one was being more optimistic while the other is more pessimistic. In the past, I’ve always said that I’m ready to go back to ILM. It’s hasn’t been because of any particular negative thing in MSP, but more that I’m ready for a change of pace (an aspect of college I really love). I described it to my mom before as I’m not happy to be leaving, but I’m not sad either. More like a middle ground emotion. Now, I find that I’m more done with MSP. Usually winter break feels too short. I want to stay longer and wished I had more time at home with family and friends. Now? I want to go back to school, because it has become a home for me. My friends there understand me and have interests in the same things I do. I have independence and freedom from my parents and homelife. In ILM, I’m settled and in MSP I’m the opposite. It really makes me wonder about graduating in a year. The plan was to always come back to MSP, to work and live with my parents until I get on my feet. But how long of that until it becomes troublesome and annoying? It may be a necessary evil, but at what cost? I don’t know what the future will hold, but I hope it’s good to me. --S

So far, things have been going swimmingly. I can’t believe it’s already almost November. I think fall break helped speed October along, and then Thanksgiving break will make winter come all the quicker. School has been going well, pretty typical in all honesty. I’m still taking 18 credits and it really isn’t too difficult. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m taking mostly writing/reading courses or if I’m just good at managing my time. Maybe it’s a combination of both? (I have been told I have superb time management skills, so maybe it is that.) Either way, I’m happy with the way this semester is turning out. I like having an extra class because it does keep me busier than I normally would be. It makes the longer breaks all the sweeter. My job is pretty much over. The season has started to really slow down, which is fine with me because now I have more time to do things on the weekend and during the week I don’t feel as stressed. I would have liked to work more, but because of weather and other things, I really didn’t work all that much in October and I’m not working at all in November. Makes me bummed, because I do like my job and having at least a minor income is always a nice bonus. I’m not working as a trip lead for the money, but it’s definitely nice insurance. I’ve been climbing a lot lately. I’ve gone every day for the past week, which is seriously making me a better climber. I feel like I’ve gotten to that point where I just crave being on the wall, trying to routes, testing my limits and trying to get past them. Climbing has become my social time, and it’s a great stress reliever from school and other things. I’m just dipping my feet in climbing 5.10′s, and it’s proven to be difficult but not impossible. I’m starting to work on getting to the top in a fluid manner, instead of taking breaks along the way. My arms have started to become more defined, and I’m able to actually use my upper body strength to pull myself up. It’s pretty awesome, and it’s honestly something I’ve never really experienced in other sports or my life in general. It’s a great feeling. Friends are all good. My roommate is awesome, as always. We’ve gotten closer throughout this semester, and I’ve opened up to her about my past relationships and my home life and all of that mushy, gooey stuff. I liked having a new perspective about everything and she was a great listener--something I’ve lacked in the past. Mostly, I hang out with people at the climbing wall, where I’ve met some cool people. (Like I said, it’s become my social hour.) I am excited to go back home though. I don’t have any plans for paid work over winter, which I think is fine. Taking a solid break to really just focus on myself, focus on growing in certain areas of my life, will be enormously beneficial to me. My only tentative plans are to hang out with freinds & family, climb (I really am thinking about getting a 1-month membership to a gym), and developing my book making skills in the form of journals as Christmas presents. I have a feeling winter will be going by super fast, just like this semester has been going. It’ll be nice to be home, too--to be able to see my dogs and to hang out with my family. I miss them, and I won’t be able to see any of them for Thanksgiving, which makes me really quite sad. I wish I could go home, but financial limitations have gotten in the way. I don’t plan on going anywhere for Thanksgiving. I just remember last year being even more sad on Thanksgiving than if I had been by myself. Going home with someone else for a holiday is weird, because they celebrate differently and it’s not the same. Anyway, all in all this semester is going by well. I just wanted to have a post where I talking about what all was going on. I’ve had this blog since I was in high school, and I’ve posted often enough for me to really want to look back, to see what younger me thought about everything, to re-read through the drama and the self-doubt. It’s interesting, that’s for sure. --S

I feel like I’ve been in a funk the past couple of days. I’m not really sure what it is. But I’ve got some suspicions. I just found out (decided?) yesterday that I’m not going to be spending Thanksgiving with my family. From the middle of summer at least I’ve been telling my dad and stepmom that I wanted to go with them when they head to the northeast US for Thanksgiving. I thought I made it pretty clear that’s what I really wanted (needed?). And when push came to shove, it didn’t work out. Partially, it came down to money and ease of getting there. I also think it could have worked out if we had starting planning it sooner. Really, though, I’m not even sure if that would have worked out. It seemed like such a feasible idea at the time, but I guess putting it into practice was more difficult than we had thought. I also feel like I’ve been in a funk school-wise. I’ve been keeping on top of things, but not as much as I’d like to be. Or maybe it’s not as much as I have been in the past. I just feel like I’ve got a lot going on right now in my school life (even though when I break it down it doesn’t seem so bad), that it’s difficult to keep motivated. On top of that, I haven’t really been hearing that much from my family back home. My mom called me after my trip that I went on for five days where I had limited service. But my dad and stepmom haven’t really been one to call or text to ask how I’ve been doing. I’m trying to see how long it’ll take them to just call for the hell of it, just to see what I’m up to and how I’ve been doing. My stepmom texted me yesterday telling me that one of my dogs has been somewhat sick, but she didn’t ask any questions about my trip or classes. And liekwise, my dad called to tell me something about my computer and he didn’t really ask many questions either. It’s strange, because I feel like my dad was one to be calling at least once a week to see how I’ve been doing and for whatever reason it’s been the opposite this semester. I’m not sure if it’s been him, or if I’m just feeling a bit homesick at the moment. Well, after looking at my phone records, I’m pretty sure it’s my first assumption, and the fact that he just hasn’t really been calling to see how I’ve been doing. I get that it could be a two-way street, but it’s my dad. Shouldn’t he want to know? He’s been pretty consistent in the past. And now I don’t know what the deal is. I don’t know what’s causing it, but I really do feel like I’m in a funk. Maybe I’m just sad that it doesn’t seem like a lot of people from home are super interested in seeing how I’m doing. I don’t know. I don’t really know anything when it comes down to it. --S

I’m frustrated because I’m single and I don’t know how to handle a fond likeness for a boy. I feel like this has been the problem of my life. This time it feels real. At least for me. Who’s to say about him. I’m still feeling those four shots and one beer I drank a bit ago, so this post is probably not the most logical. But still. I can’t help thinking we’d be great. Funny, smart, attractive, similar interests. Ugh. So hard not to get ahead of myself. In all honesty, he’s just a pretty good friend right now. He recently got out of a relationship and is probably still getting over her. I get it. I don’t know. Like I said, trying not to get ahead of myself. For me, writing it down makes it seem more real. Makes it seem more doable. I need to go to bed and sleep off the drunk. Goodnight, world. --S

I have this friend here at school (don’t my stories always start out like that?!) and she’s honestly always gotten on my nerves a bit. Some days it’s worse than others, some days we both get along like peaches. Lately, the annoyances have been more prevalent. From the beginning, I’ve always felt she’s been pretty self-centered. There are times when it’s just in the way she phrases things. Like, “I’ll do it when it’s most convenient for me,” or, “I would prefer to go at this time because of blah, blah, blah.” It’s not to say that she isn’t right sometimes, but it’s just in the way she brings up and approaches the subject. A lot of times, she’s quite complainy too. We’ll get lunch or dinner sometimes and she’ll go on and on about a certain person or problem she’s been having. Like, last week when we had dinner she seemed incredibly conflicted over a quite small issue: She was invited to a wedding and wanted to go but didn’t think she’d have enough time after work to get there (even though she had about 2 hours) and couldn’t find someone to take her shift. Like, really? You mean to tell me you don’t have time when you’ve got plenty of time to make it just in the nick of time. While it doesn’t give you much wiggle room, the solution is simple: Be proactive and scurry as fast as a mouse being chased by a cat. While it’s these little things that really annoy me, there’s been a recent pattern of events in her behavior. At the beginning of the semester, we met up and figured out certain group exercise classes we’d both be able to go to on a weekly basis. We picked out two different ones that we could go to each week. Max time spent going to these 2 classes a week? An hour and twenty minutes. Max hours spent going to these classes together since the beginning of the semester six weeks ago? An hour and twenty minutes. Every single time I’ve asked her if she’s still set to go to these classes, she’s said she can’t or she thinks she’s too busy or has some excuse not to go. I’ll admit that I had to cancel once due having another obligation. But every other time has been on her. While I do understand that everybody is busy and might not have time to go every week, I do not enjoy that she committed to going every week at the beginning of the semester. I thought we had made pretty solid plans, but in her eyes the plans are much more loose. The thing that put me over the edge were tonight’s developments. On Monday, we went to one of our scheduled classes and made plans for tonight’s class and extra things we could go do--like have dinner. When I texted her today to see if we were still on, she said she might have to skip on the stuff before the class cause she had to take care of some things. Fine, whatever. I decided to go through with what we had planned anyway (climbing!) and had a good time at the wall. I texted her to let her know I was there in case she wanted to come early. No response...until 20 minutes before our class: “Hey, sorry, but my mom is in town tonight so I can’t make our class either!” WHAT?! Did you just find out that your mom is in town? Did she not tell you she was coming into town? And you’re doing something with her at 8 o’clock in the evening when you’ve been doing meaningless other things for the rest of your afternoon. Again, WHAT?! Needless to say, I did not respond. She could be sorry all she wants, but I seriously do not like people that constantly cancel plans they make with people. Especially when it feels like the person just doesn’t want to do the activity. So frustrating. I suppose there are always people like this. She’s just one of them. Even if there are these instances which are really upsetting and annoying, at the same time she’s really helped me out a lot too. She was the one who helped me move all of my stuff in during move in (since my parents couldn’t fly down). And she’s driven me to the store multiple different times. So I do owe her for that. But on the whole, I’ve never really been her biggest fan. I think it’s mostly a personality thing. Our just aren’t super compatible. It happens. *shrugs* --S Update: After re-reading this, I find that I’m ranting about a kind of small issue in the grand scheme of things, but I’ll be damned if it still doesn’t make me upset.

But it’s fun, mostly, so it’s okay I guess.

I found out yesterday at my advising appointment that I’m graduating a semester early. I had a notion that this might be the case at the beginning of the school year, but my adviser confirmed it for me yesterday. Now, all I can think about is how soon I’ll be just another person tasked with facing the “real world.” All last night when I was trying to fall asleep I kept thinking about this scary and thrilling thought. I don’t know where I’ll end up, likely at home for at least a little while, but I hope it’s somewhere I enjoy. I can see myself living in my home state all my life, but a part of me really wants to travel and to experience living in a different state. I went (am going?) to college in a different state, but it’s not enough. I love it here, but I want more. I want to learn the ins and outs of an entirely new area. Maybe I’d be able to now if I had the means to. For the majority of my college career, I’ve been telling my dad I want to get a car. I accepted the fact that freshman year I wouldn’t have one for obvious reasons--being so far from home, the expenses of tuition, and generally not needing one. Sophomore year, I also accepted this fact, but I started to fight it a bit more. I had conversations with my dad that ended in me crying because he kept saying “no, no, no.” While I completely see where he’s coming from, his one-mindedness is what really gets to me. Multiple times in conversations last year and more recent ones, I would tell him I understand his logic. His car speech has gotten so familiar to me that I can predict what he’s about to say. He’ll start rambling about car payments, insurance, gas, and my next line will be, “And what if something breaks?” To which he replies, “Exactly!” The way he talks to me, it’s as if I’m not aware of the expenses and commitment a car is. I fully understand, partially due to him force feeding me all of the information. Constantly, he’s telling me “no” because “I’m in college.” But really, what does that even mean? What really gets me is that in a year and a half I’m going to be graduating and my need for a car will be the same as it is right now. While I can get by this year without a car, having one for my very last semester as a undergrad would be amazing. I’d be able to have the freedom I never quite had before. I’d be able to explore the town I’ve been living in for three years. While it seems like a small thing, it’s important to me. I have a nature to explore and experience new things and places. The same ol’ same ol’ gets boring, especially to me. Some people have a natural tendency to stretch their legs in new places and I am one of those people. While, yes, I am in college, isn’t that what college is all about? About exposing yourself to new people and places? Like I said, he’s pretty one-minded. I don’t think he understands where I’m coming from because he’s not like that himself. He likes his solidarity, the comfort of his home, of what is familiar. In a lot of ways, I’m the opposite. I don’t know how to make him see my side of things. It’s been an ongoing struggle, mostly because I respect him and want to do things he approves of. He’s financially smart, whereas I’m just learning, so it’s hard to go against someone like that. Maybe I’ll have a car. Maybe I won’t. It won’t be the end of the world, either way. And in a year and a half I’ll be graduating. Getting thrown to the big dogs. Frightening and thrilling to be sure. --S

I have a feeling this semester is going to be exhausting. It’s already been that way (but it’s also been incredibly fun & exciting), and I don’t feel it slowing down anytime soon. While I’m looking forward to this semester, I have a feeling it’s going to be incredibly challenging for me. Taking 18 hours, working a part time but physically demanding job, tackling additional responsibilities, and maintaining a social life is going to be a modified version of hell--the taxing, exhausting, unpleasant side, but muted and with a twist of enjoyability. We had our training trip last week, which was fun but tiring. There were some interesting moments, some awkward ones, and definitely some high-adrenaline ones. Now we’re in the midst of our rec training, which has also been a pretty enjoyable time considering it’s boring ol’ run of the mill training. I’m realizing that I got pretty damn lucky with the people I’m working with. Everyone who works in the program is really relaxed, knowledgeable, passionate, and helpful. They’re all open-minded and aren’t quick to judge. We all have quirks and it’s reassuring knowing that everybody is accepting of everybody else. It’s a great work atmosphere & I’m glad I can be a part of it. On top of the amazing people I work with, my gut is telling me that my roommate situation is going to be 100x better this year. I’m still living with one of my friends (similar to last year, but not the same girl), but she’s very different than the previous. My friend I’m living with this year is quite independent like myself. She’s smart and ambitious and motivated to get involved and to meet other people, similar to me. We share a lot of common interests and she really wants to go explore and discover new people, places, ideas, & things. It’s a total 180 difference from last year’s roomie--a total 180 positive change. The other four girls I’ll be living with seem pretty okay too. One of them messaged me to get to know me a bit and she seemed nice and interested in actually forming a relationships beyond the typical “hey, it’s your turn to take out the trash.” While the solitude was nice last year, the noise and chatter will be fun this year. I’m still taking my solid 18 hours, which I’m nervous about. I have a feeling I was nervous about taking so many classes all last year too, but this year feels different. It feels like I’m taking on more roles and responsibilities and it feels like my classes are going to be more challenging. Four CRW classes, 1 ENG class, & 1 PSY class is a lot. Lots of reading & lots of writing. It’ll be good to be getting back in the swing of writing (which I’m so diligently starting now), but given everything else I’ve got on my plate, 6 classes might be too much. My plan is to stick it out at least for the first week to see how all my classes look, and if I really feel strongly that it’ll all be too much by the end of add/drop period, then I’ll quit one. I don’t like being a quitter, but my sanity might depend on it. I’m usually right about my predictions for the semester, and I have a feeling I’m spot on about this one as well. --S

It’s been a while, and not much as shifted in dynamics. I’m still happily floating along through summer. though it’s drawing to a close. Looking back, it’s been so incredibly busy. My parents kept saying to me that I was always on the go, running off to do something with friends with each second of free time I had, and at the time, it didn’t really feel that way. But now, I can start to feel the exhaustion stacking up, the constant movement running me down. These past few days have been somewhat rough since I’ve just been pretty tired, feeling sluggish even though I haven’t really done much physical activity. I think these sluggish days have been my body’s way of telling me I need to take a break. And I will, but in about a week and a half. My last few days left at home will be pretty busy, packing, saying goodbyes, last family outings and dinners. And then I’ll be thrown straight into 5 days of camping, kayaking, surfing, and stand up paddleboarding. Which, don’t get me wrong, will be so awesome and fun. But it’s also going to be physically and mentally taxing. I’ll be trained on how to better teach each of these areas, and will be working on gaining more technical skills. The physical acts are tough, and on top of that I’ll be working my mind. Yet at the same time, I’m so excited to be seeing everyone again. I left in a really good spot, and I feel like I’ll be going back into the year in an even better place (at least hopefully). I met some awesome people last semester and I hope I continue to foster those relationships while creating new ones. I’m looking forward to all the suprises, curve balls, ups, and downs, this year will bring me. And I hope I can take them gracefully one at a time. It should be fun; the adventure is just beginning. --S

is usually a fun thing to do with friends. You’d think most people would be psyched to go camping in the woods over the weekend with no responsibilities but hanging out with each other surrounded by woods, the smell of smoke wafting through the tent, watching the setting sun dip below the tree line. You’d think. But no. My group of friends are all flakey as ever when it comes to committing to go camping. While they all say yes initially, most everybody is making half-hearted statements which leave me feeling like shit. I know I’m probably taking it more personally that it is, but it still kinda blows when you’re super excited about doing something and everyone else is mellow about it. I know I like the outdoors and I talk about it a lot. Sometimes I think I’m too overbearing, and other times I feel like I brag too much, kind of like showing off. I try not to at least and when I feel like I do, I try to tone it down or stop talking about it all together. I need to find friends who have the same interests as me. I think maybe that’s one of the reasons I was in such a great place after spring semester was over. I had spent that entire three months meeting like-minded people and I was in such a happy place--job-wise, friend-wise, school-wise. It was nice to feel appreciated and to share in that excitement. And now, at home, there are a lot of talkers. They say the want to camp. They say they want to hike. They say they’d want to come with, “Oh, yeah, totally!” And then don’t back up their statements with actions. It’s annoying, and makes me feel shitty. All of this is probably the PMS talking, and just the general fact that it’s been a long day, but I do think there’s an ounce of truth to it. I bought 2 campsites, and now I’m thinking we’ll need to cancel one of them since there’s a lack of people. Disappointing, but whatever. Their loss. --S

I’ve been home for going on a month now and things have been okay. There isn’t really anything overwhelming in excitement to report. The drama with my friends from home has been pretty average. I haven’t kept in super close contact with my friends from school, but I know that’s just because it’s summer. It’s kind of nice knowing that we don’t have to talk every day to still consider each other best friends. I feel like that’s how you know a friendship is strong--when you can go days without saying a word yet still find your way back to each other. I started working at the garden center again. It’s nice working there because it’s gorgeous being surrounded by plants (even though technically my job is in an office).  It’s especially lovely when the days are bright and sunny, like today. The work is pretty ho-hum and standard. It’s quite similar to what I was doing last summer. Just as hectic and slightly less disorganized at the least. Overall, things are pretty average. I’m not walking on sunshine like I was at the beginning of May, but I’m not all sulky like I was in the fall, either. I’m in that happy middle place of contentment. We’ll see where the rest of this summer leads. I’m excited to see how everything will develop over the coming weeks. --S