GARAK.

"It's not your fault," he sighs, leaning in heavily. Garak presses his face into Julian's neck and takes a deep breath in, then another, using his partner's familiar scent to comfort himself. "Something to return my appetite would be helpful," he murmurs. He hasn't wanted anything in weeks now - mealtimes have felt like a chore. "I don't even want Delavian chocolates. But... I don't suppose there's very much literature on Cardassian pregnancies or relieving their symptoms for you to use." A pause, while he takes another deep inhale of Julian's scent. "Can we go back to bed now?"

A part of him wants to back away, to hiss at Julian and refuse to accept touch, but the promise of comfort right now is too much to resist. Instead of answering with words, he goes to Julian and presses himself into his arms, wrapping his tail around his leg. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I- this is hard for you as well. I just- I just don't- feel well. I'm sorry."

No, he doesn't want Julian to risk arrest, he wants his own brain to start working again so he can think of a way to reduce the risk. But apparently, all he can do is freak out like some kind of animal being threatened. He lashes his tail again, but doesn't argue with the request to give it a day. Garak laughs bitterly, however, at Julian's attempt at reassurance, eyes flashing with pain and memories. "If the sort of other doctors that have treated me in the past touched me again now, they would kill our child and sterilise me, at best. Forgive me if I say that in my experience, it does mean that something awful."

The look on Julian's face deeply distresses him. He can see that he's upsetting his partner, and yet everything Julian says gets him even more worked up. He gets up and begins to pace, tail lashing behind him from one side to the other, on the verge of bursting into tears. "I don't know! Do it underground, make a case to do it legally, steal an identity to do it under, teach me to do it, find a legal loophole-- I don't care!" He's shaking violently now, eyes wild and frightened.

He can't dwell on that, though, any more than he can afford to dwell on his own apparent fertility. Instead, he has to present his findings. After almost two hours of work, he turns to face Garak directly, his jaw clenched almost painfully, and takes both of his hands. "It'll take interventions. It's legal, to do some genetic modification to prevent birth defects, and that's what this will be. But I-" He chokes a little and takes another steadying breath. "I can't be the one to do it. My reproducing at all is somewhat of a legal gray area. I'm under enough suspicion that if I touch their DNA, even for perfectly legal reasons, the consequences could be horrible. I don't want to make you see another doctor. You know I don't want to do that. But- but if we want this baby to be born and to survive, you have to. I'm- I'm sorry, darling. I didn't think this was possible. I have no idea how this is possible."

Julian turns to him, eventually, and the look on his face fills Garak with dread. He allows his hands to be taken, and he listens, but as soon as Julian starts to talk about another doctor, he pulls away, that protective-defensive-threatened feeling building in his chest. He's hissing again before he knows it, curling one arm around his abdomen and backing off, tail tensed, as though Julian is about to physically pull him towards another doctor right now. "No, no, no, no, no other doctor. Nobody else. Nobody else. I won't let them touch me."

"Can I?" It's not often that he's this careful about giving Garak a choice in his medical care, but this isn't a vaccination or a straight-forward injury. This is more personal and more important and Julian feels helplessly unprepared to make these choices for him, even if he'd wanted to.

People are going to find out anyway, he knows, but where there's a choice that might provide a little more privacy, Garak prefers to take it. "Your office," he agrees quietly, hand still resting on his abdomen. "And- and perhaps I can provide additional encryption?" He doesn't really feel up to focusing on the task, but he also doesn't like the idea of not doing everything he can to minimise the risk.

When the scan is finished and the image appears, Garak can do nothing but stare, for at least thirty seconds. He can't answer Julian's question, can't look away, can't do anything but look. That's his child. His child, who has been growing inside him without his knowledge, utterly dependent on him and on his body to keep it safe. His hand moves slowly to his abdomen, and when he finally manages to tear his gaze away from the image, it's to look down at himself. "I don't know," he says quietly. Then, "are you?"

Little touches from Julian's hands are always grounding. Even panicked like this, the touches create little pools of warm focus, fading into his awareness. They soothe him enough to get him out of his tunic and onto the biobed without much trouble. He lays back, assuming a 'relaxed' position with very little of the genuine relaxation, looking for all the world as though he's expecting to undergo an extremely painful procedure, but he has a little more success with slowing his breathing, now that they're here. "J-just. Tell me what you're looking for, Doctor?"

The infirmary is quiet at this hour--not empty, but quiet--and they have very few witnesses to Julian selecting the appropriate equipment and nudging Garak into a room that he locks firmly behind them.

The sight of even a few other people is somehow unexpected. Garak shrinks back to the edge of the room while Julian gets the equipment, eyes darting between the three other people, until he's guided into a private room, at which point he manages to take a small, more controlled breath. "Will they know?" he asks, eyes flicking towards the door. "The equipment... could they work it out?"

Garak captures her and holds her up in the air, then spins her around and brings her back down, wrapping his arms exaggeratedly around her in a big hug. "A less squirmy daughter? I'm afraid we don't have one of those in stock here at Garak's Clothiers, my dear. How long until your next shift? Perhaps you could get some sleep early, before Kestra's bedtime? I'm sure I can keep her entertained long enough for you to nap."

"I want it now," he says immediately, jerking upright again. He's still very much struggling to regulate his breathing, but once it occurs to him that there's something they could do right now to gain more information, he tends to become focused on that. "Can we go now? Please, we need to." It must be the first time Garak has ever volunteered for any kind of scan or medical test, and the most willing he's ever been to get out of bed, but it's also the first time there has been another life developing within him that he's desperate to understand.

Julian doesn't say a word as he swings the half-asleep toddler up over Garak's head and plops her down in his lap. He did check for loose pins first, of course, but in the absence of any, he doesn't see a reason for discussion. Instead, he rolls himself over the back of the couch as well, ending up with his legs sprawled awkwardly over the armrest and his cheek pressed up against Garak's thigh.

"Hello, my dear," he greets Kestra as she's deposited in his lap, pressing several kisses to her head. "What's Abba doing, hmm?" he asks her, watching his husband join them on the couch in a rather interesting method. "He's forgotten how to sit normally, you say? Oh, yes, I see... well, I think we'd better refer this to Dr. Bashir. Doctor, what cure would you recommend for someone who has forgotten how to sit normally?"

He leans heavily into Julian's hug, forcing himself to relax his tensed shoulders. Unfortunately, that just turns agitation into panic instead, like the whole universe is closing in on him. It's not long before he's started to tremble, pressing his face down against Julian's shoulder, taking short, rapid breaths. "I c-can't--"

"Hi, darling. Can we talk about this?"

"I don't understand," is what he says first, when he finally manages to speak. Now that he's begun to think perhaps he really is pregnant, panic is rising quickly. "A-are you sure? Do the scan again. Please."

He probably should have waited till morning, rather than pushing to have this conversation in the middle of the night when they're both exhausted, but it's too late for that now. "I'm not going anywhere," he says, because that needs to be said too. Even if this is the result of Garak having sex with someone else, have they ever even talked about exclusivity? "I'm with you no matter what. Through whatever this is. You don't need to worry about that."

Perhaps Tain had decided it could be useful for an agent to have such a trait. Garak isn't sure whether to laugh or cry. "I'm sorry, my dear. I really didn't know." Guilt has welled up now, sitting painfully in his chest along with the crushing panic. "Is it- will the- the child be... healthy? A human-Cardassian child... what if it needs things my body cannot give it?"

"Hi, darling. Can we talk about this?"

"I don't understand," is what he says first, when he finally manages to speak. Now that he's begun to think perhaps he really is pregnant, panic is rising quickly. "A-are you sure? Do the scan again. Please."

Garak strokes Julian's back for much longer than he expects to manage. His back and hips don't even hurt from sitting at this angle, and he has so much more energy than he's used to! He can sit here as long as he likes, relieved to be able to do something for his partner at last. Of course it would be this that works to soothe him. It reminds Garak of the first time Julian did this for him -- it had been the first time anybody had touched him so gently, and he'd nearly cried. He doesn't speak, not wanting to rouse Julian from what Garak knows to be a wonderfully relaxed half-consciousness. Instead, he continues a while longer, and then slowly lowers himself to lay half on and half beside Julian, stroking along his back and his side.