Blessed Mess

I like the rain.

I wish it would rain all day everyday.

Sounds depressing, but it’s not.

Rain washes away the dirt.

Rain makes things shiny.

Rain washes away the old,

I’d love to be rain.

I’d be a menace if I was.

I’d get in everybody’s ear

I wouldn’t care about their rain coat or umbrella.

I’ll find away to get in their ear.

I want to cry.

But I am so sick of crying.

I want things to change,

I want things to be different.

But I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m so lost and confused.

So hurt and angry.

I’m screaming on the inside,

Hoping that one day somebody will hear me.

It’s always my fault.

Even when it isn’t,

Even when the Lord knows it’s not my fault

It is always my fault.

I need peace.

I need to escape.

I need to be free.

I miss the old me.

I miss the free me.

I miss the happy me.

Truth be told,

I self sabotage.

A lot.

But in reality even with my self sabotaging it seems that things never work out anyways.

Maybe I’m not worth keeping.

Maybe I’m disposable.

Maybe nobody cares for me the way I care for them.

Maybe nobody ever will.

I always expect the worst.

I expect everyone to leave me.

I expect everyone to lie to me.

I expect everyone to not have genuine Intentions.

People only care about what I can do for them.

Nobody cares about me.

I don’t blame them for not caring about me.

I always know.

But I ignore it in hopes that maybe this could be something real.

That just maybe this time I found my person.

That this time everything won’t be one sided.

That this time I’m not being used.

That this time I actually matter.

But in the end it never goes the way I want.

Nobody cares enough to stay.

No matter how much I do,

How many times I put them over myself,

How many times I show them nothing but unconditional acceptance,

I must confess,

I don’t think I’ve ever had a person that I felt like I could bare my soul to.

I’ve had/have friends, but when I tell them things I know they judge me.

They don’t have to say it, I can feel it.

I’ve always felt it.

I’d rather turn myself inside out on a Tumblr post instead of telling them how I feel.

Nobody knows me here.

Nobody pays attention to me here.

Nobody hears me here.

I’m just talking into a lonely void that may never be filled.

But yet that makes it feel like a safer place.

Nobody can judge me the way that they do.

Nobody can judge me the way that I do.

I don’t have to worry about what I say.

I wonder what it’d be like if I would of been able to express my feelings like this when I was 11 sneaking on here to escape reality.

What if I knew that this safe place was not just for everyone else but also for me.

But nothing is ever for me.

I’m always on the outside of things.

I overthink.

I’m impulsive.

I make mistakes.

I’m very opinionated.

I pretend to be strong when I’m weak.

I overfeel everything.

I go bout situations the wrong way.

I say the first thing that comes to mind.

I tell you I’m right when I know I’m wrong.

I put 2 and 2 together and get 16 sometimes.

I tell you I don’t care when we both know I do.

I’ll say one thing and mean the other.

When I don’t understand situations I overthink them until I can make it make sense to myself.

It’s harder for me to trust people.

It’s hard for me to believe that anyones intentions are genuine.

I need reassurance sometimes.

But my intentions are always genuine.

When I know I’m wrong even after I said I’m right, I come back to apologize.

I’ll never leave you with the feeling of not being heard.

I’ll show that I always care no matter what was said.

I’ll forgive you before I forgive myself.

I’ll feel 10x more for you then you ever will for me.

I’ll always be here after I said I wouldn’t.

I’ll give you all the chances in the world to break my heart over and over.

It sucks but that’s how I am.

I’m human, a flawed human.