ORYX

No one with my name has an acting reel on YouTube... depressed.

Pope renounces religion and declares God is dead. Hops on Instagram. Posts photos of bible burning, the Apple logo replacing crucified Jesus’s head, etc. #yolo #thereisnoheaven #partybro  

I’m truly popular: in one day, Mr. Gap, Mr. Old Navy, Mr. Crew, Mr. Fandango and Mr. Twitter all emailed me. 

Rap Album - “My Mom Is the Only Person That Texts Me”

Walking down the street aimlessly, a homeless man shouts at me, “Please get me some chili, the chili in there is really good!” I walk into the restaurant, order the chili, sit down, eat, finish, and leave a small tip on the table. Walking out of the restaurant, I think, “Damn, that was so good chili.” My day continues...

Critique: Solid idea. The implications and consequences of such an idea are horrifying. Plumbers would be better employed than they already are. Alleyways would be stickier. 

I’m just going to smoke a lot of weed and watch Magic Mike with my hands down my pants. Dongs flopping everywhere.

Rap album - “Too White For Ralph Polo Lauren”

I think the closest I’ve come to committing suicide was when I tried to eat a peanut butter sandwich after smoking weed. Halfway through trying to swallow it with my dry mouth, I thought, it might be better to just choke to death... seriously... no more work, no more responsibilities, no more bills, no more taxes... absolute abyss. It might not be so bad. There is no “be” after death, just nothing. Then I remembered I had a bottle of water next to me. 

Novel title - “Too Far Down the Porn Rabbit Hole”

“Who has your childhood friend?” Password Reset. I wonder if my childhood friend has me as an answer to this question as I have him...

At a young age, he had already cultivated such a disdain for the world. “It’s a wonder he hasn’t killed myself yet, the miserable cunt”, the spectator quoth.

IF the girl from Gladiator was my sister and it was Roman times... I’d probably fuck her. I get you, Joaquin. 

I saw a guy on the CTA with a shirt that said, “Fuck Calm, Rock On.” And, I thought, this guy’s shirt gets me and my social anxiety and my love for soft rock tunes. 

I feel like I’m one step away from being a cat lady. Cats are the purrfect Buddhists. No attachments whatsoever. 

True story: crush three Advil and mix it with cocaine, then snort. It has the same effect as Viagra. 

I remember my first girlfriend. She smelled like a wet dog on a rainy day. Not that she was a bitch or anything, she was 10. She just had a great, big puppy at home who’d always make a mess of things named Beethoven.